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Thread: Let's post some AMERICAN DAD! one-liners



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  1. #91
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    I can't believe your father would do something like this!

    I can.

    Yeah, I guess I can too. I don't know why I said that.


  2. #92
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    Francine: Uh, I'm actually kind of hungry.

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  4. #93
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    Well, it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns.

    GLOCK, 17 shots. Pen-gun, mightier than the sword. Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun. AR-15, MK5, MAC-10, paprika.

  5. #94
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    Cops already? What are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?

    You're thinking about donuts now?!

    No, I'm just sayin' the cops got here fast.

    What the hell do fast cops have to do with a Krispy Kreme?!

    BECAUSE COPS LOVE DONUTS!!!

    YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!!!


  6. #95
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    Stan: Uh double cheeseburger, small fries and Mr. Pibb. Not the largest the one right under that.

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  8. #96
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    The perfect tree! *cuts with axe* The perfect cut. *falls on him* Perfect... amount of... blood... filling lungs. Wait, now it's too much.

  9. #97
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    Meter maid: "Who the hell are you? You're just a nobody." (laughs)


  10. #98
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    Klaus, I'm in trouble. I spent all week taking revenge on a guy, and that guy turned out to be a runaway alter ego of mine, and now he's taking a hit out on me!
    Calm down. Calm down.
    Don't tell me to calm down, this hit man's a pro. Look, I found this in Sidney's address book. Look at this card. Premium 80-pound matte card stock, the letters are raised, I'm a dead man!!

  11. #99
    Azarath metrion zinthos! Sweet_Potatoes's Avatar
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    I'm loving this thread! My favorite quotes from everyone in the family:

    Roger: I know what you have to do now, Steve. You have to kill yourself.
    Steve: What? Why? Nobody saw!
    Roger: God saw. Heaven saw. Your aunt Sadie, Great Gram Gram, Star Trek's James Doohan.
    Steve: Scotty saw?!
    Roger: Scotty watched the whole damn thing.
    Steve: Starts crying.
    Hayley: You know what Roger? This whole thing is your fault! I am going to kick your ass!
    Roger: Oh, you think you got a shot, pornstar? Well bring it!
    Hayley: Punches him in stomach.
    Roger: Oh, I wasn't ready! This is how Houdini died!

    Hayley: What's the matter, Dad? "The Man" got his boot up your ass?

    Francine: Oh, I don't vote. It's too confusing! I just go in the booth, draw the curtain, count to 10, then come out, shout "Democracy!" and run to my car.

    Stan: I'm sure you'd all make fine Stan Jrs, but I can't stand the thought of running around making you grilled cheese for the next 18 years.

    Jeff: I dated three strippers in the past, and two of them wound up dead, and the cops always come to the boyfriend with the van. That's profiling, man, and it's wrong!

    Klaus: You know what I think? I think you only talk to me when there's no one else to turn to. I think you don't really care what I think, and you just need to hear yourself talk. I think you're a selfish bastard, and I think you should go to hell!

    Steve: Unhand me, inebriated temptress!

    Roger: If I eat one more piece of vomit pie I'm going to pumpkin.

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  13. #100
    Comic Book Me Shaunbadia's Avatar
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    Stan: "Oh my God! MOVE. THE HELL. TO FRANCE!"
    How to remaster


  14. #101
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    Roger: Can you turn it down a notch? You're ruining my buzz.
    Stan: You're drunk?!
    Roger: Hell yeah man!
    Stan: That's it!

  15. #102
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    That's it! I'm gonna study fish who aren't complete assholes!

  16. #103
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    Okay, let's play Highest Number.
    I'm not familiar with it.
    Whoever says the highest number wins. You go first.
    Thank you. Six thousand.
    Seventeen thousand.
    Huh! Well played.

    ALSO

    I'm gonna go hit the juice bar. You probably wouldn't like it, it's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters, it's more about juice.

  17. #104
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    Roger: Oh Franny, it's so awful the way they treat you.
    Francine: I'm just trying to do something nice for--
    Roger: Damn it! I still can't cry on cue, I'm going to work on it. What, no dinner? You're a terrible wife and mother!

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  19. #105
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    Mom, Roger stole my band!!

    Aww, that's awful, you must need a hug... CONSUELA!

  20. #106


    "Hey, I made it into the episode! Pay me, bitches."
    "Haha, me too!"

    What do you think they put in the Bug Juice?
    Bugs?
    No they don't. Come on...shut up.


  21. #107
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    Francine, is the President in there with you?!

    Who?! Klaus?

    No. The President!

    Klaus is here with me!

    I'm in here, Stan. I'm fine! Thank you!


  22. #108
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    "Oh, you stupid stupid bitch... doesn't even know...
    she is going to get the best bottle of wine in her stupid bitch life."

    - Roger speaking of Francine and dinner wine.


  23. #109
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    Daddy, will you read to me?

    Who the hell are you?

  24. #110
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    Hayley: Oh mom, I'm having so much fun with Bill.
    Francine: Yeah he sure looks like your dad.
    Hayley: I think he might be the one. I mean if he dumped me I don't know what I would do?
    Francine: You will be fine!
    Hayley: No, I'd go maximum crazy. I'd murder Bill, burn down the neighbourhood, rape Roger...
    Francine: Hayley!

  25. #111
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    "AMERICAN DAD" RELEASES DVD, SMALL GIRL FROM BASEMENT

  26. #112
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    Caution: Objects in mirror may be sadder than they appear.

  27. #113
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    This one from Twill Orgenbone and His Boy Jabari:

    Francine: It's five in the morning. What are you doing?
    Roger: Well I'm getting ready to go to the dig site.
    Francine: Come on, Roger what are you really doing?
    Roger: Well, why don't I show you!

  28. #114
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    Whoever heard... of a sad clown?

  29. #115
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    UNCLE INSISTS:
    "CREEPY IS THE NEW QUIRKY!"

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  31. #116
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    This one from Frannie 911:

    Stan: My study!
    Roger: And my Turkish bath. Have a fig.
    Stan: You are so dead!
    Remember kids, Kariba is cool!

  32. #117
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    I'm such a softy. *says while holding sniper rifle, ready to shoot his wife for making more money than him*

  33. #118
    coughing up snot Insomnia's Avatar
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    Principle Lewis: Barry you do the announcments now
    Barry sits down and takes a drink of water than grabs hold of the mic
    Barry:You fucking fuckers are going to do what I say or I will stick my goddamn boot so far up your asshole you will rue the day you crawled out from your mothers twat!!!
    Lewis: Barry!
    Barry:*crying* I made a swear


  34. #119
    Azarath metrion zinthos! Sweet_Potatoes's Avatar
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    Stan: Funny, when you tell the truth, you don't have to flush. Your ass has betrayed you.

    Francine: Pistachios rhymes with Mustachios!
    Roger: Oh, honey, you tire me....

    Francine: The cable's out and I just got my period, so there's nothing to do but talk and talk and talk

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  36. #120
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    Francine: Stan I've had it. I wanna go home! Has Bullock called back yet?
    Stan: Not yet. I'll keep trying. Oh I invited the fellas for a feast after work, so I figured you'd whip something up. Or as they say in this country. (claps)
    Francine: Forget it! You may keep me locked in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country (finger snaps)
    Stan: Fine! I'll cook it myself. (whips out a machete and faces a goat) Now how do I do this without getting hair everywhere?



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