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Thread: Let's post some AMERICAN DAD! one-liners



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  1. #331
    Meanest City In America SpringfieldGood's Avatar
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    "I dreamt of Paris again last night."

    "I got beat up by a taco!"

    "DAVE, ANTIDOTE!"
    WE'RE GONNA HAVE FAMILY FUN

  2. #332
    The Devil Himself.... Nicky's Avatar
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    Stan:I still can't believe it, over 100,000 orders.Our dream is finally coming true.*beat* Why are they throwing tortilla chips in front of you?

    Francine:Because it makes me feel like a princess.
    Avatar drawn by Telso.

  3. #333
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    Heaven gun, it's time for you to preach to the choir.
    Remember kids, Kariba is cool!

  4. #334
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    I wouldn't even do coke off of that picture! Who am I kidding, I would, and I'm about to.

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  6. #335
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    I'm the baby!...I'm the drunk baby!

    Gin is close, my "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy. Not to mention my "Petronar." Get it? Like sonar?.... Steve, THIS IS ME SOBER.

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  8. #336
    Pin Pal musa's Avatar
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    Stan: All right, we may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother. Just stay close so we don't open ourselves to an ambush.
    Hayley: Dad, that is so ignorant.
    Stan: Hey those people are extremists! That's not ignorance that's fact. Quick cover your mouth. That's how they enter your body to lay their eggs!

  9. #337
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    How could asbestos hurt you? It's got 'best' right in it!

  10. #338
    coughing up snot Insomnia's Avatar
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    "I'm Steve Smith. I wrote Roger the Alien."
    "I'm Steve Smith. "I was never molested on the set of a mustard commercial when I was nine."

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  12. #339
    Pin Pal musa's Avatar
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    Stan: No, no I can do this. I promise I will find us something to eat within the hour. But I can't promise anything.

    Steve: Dad, are you positive this is what the invitation said?
    Stan: Yes, yes trust me.
    [they open the door and the black people gasp]
    Stan: Whoops.
    [they drive away]
    Francine: You made us look like complete racists back there.
    Hayley: Did you even read the invitation?
    Stan: Of course I skimmed for keywords which where 'black' and 'face'.
    Steve: It says "Black people changing the face of America". What a boob.
    Stan: What was that Steve?
    Steve: I uh, asked Hayley if I can squeeze her boob.
    Stan: I love it when you kids get along.

    Francine: Stop it you're not fat! Now come on I made your favourite pot roast.
    Stan: Get that away from me. [shoots the pot roast to pieces] Die calories die!

    Hayley: I'm exhausted.
    Francine: I'm starving!
    Stan: Steve has a charley horse.
    Steve: Huh?

    Stan: Kids do you want to play 20 question until we die. I'm thinking of a person.
    Steve: Ronald Reagan?
    Stan: Damn!

    Francine: Damn it, I'm tired of you being at each other's throats. You used to be best friends, both of you in the living room now!

    Francine: Stop bickering. Time is precious, we have to make the most of our 24 hours together.
    Stan: Your is mother is right we should all spend time as a family and watch the entire first season of 24 on DVD.

  13. #340


    Roger: [Sobbing] I need this now more than ever for its intended purpose. 'Sons of Tucson, New on Fox?' When was this on? I watch Fox. I never saw this. [Runs off crying]

    What do you think they put in the Bug Juice?
    Bugs?
    No they don't. Come on...shut up.

  14. #341
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    Steve: You'd really like Debbie if you got know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
    Stan: There's MORE of her?!?


  15. #342
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    Steve: How was your day?
    Stan: It was great. Great.
    Steve: Great, great. What's uh, what's that on your shoulder? Looks like a strand of Big League Chew except that looks like grape and you only chew original.
    Stan: Oh that, uh, uh....
    Steve: I was at the softball game, Dad! I saw you with him!
    Stan: Look I'm sorry alright? I'm weak I have needs.
    Steve: No I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not the son you want me to be!

  16. #343
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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  17. #344
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    JENNY!

  18. #345
    Pin Pal musa's Avatar
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    FREDDIE!

  19. #346
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    "One's true value is determined solely through the eyes of others." That's from Genesis. Their first album, I think.

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  21. #347
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    "Bush Comes To Dinner" is surprisingly excellent for an episode about Bush.

    Bullock: Which is why it's better to put too many bullets in the head than too few. So, let's review...
    Sanders: Mr. Bullock, Dick just shot me with a curare dart.
    Dick: He started it...
    Bullock: Okay, people, again, the curare darts are not toys. They're for temporarily paralyzing your enemies. Or just chilling out to some Zeppelin.


    Stan: Look at him clear that fence! Didn't even scrape his junk.


  22. #348
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    Are you allergic to vaginas, Steve?

    My wine fridge! I had my cocaine in there!
    Last edited by Sam; 08-29-2013 at 05:36 AM.


  23. #349
    Pin Pal musa's Avatar
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    So if you're in the metrics you would have taken the red pill instead of the blue pill and would have never seen the world for what it is and the movie would have been only 20 minutes long. I want you to think about that. You're not gonna think about that. You won't understand what I'm saying.

  24. #350


    Matthew! Matthew. Matthew. Matthew. Matthew! Matthew. Matthew. MATTHEW! MATTHEW! MATTHEW! Matthew! Matthew! Math...you...can...under...stand...is...what. I. Teach. In. This. Class.

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  26. #351
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    Set this jar of jellybeans on my desk, I hear it'll make me a more approachable boss. If you ever eat one, so help me, I'll destroy you.


  27. #352
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee....

    Today, Mortimer James! I add the middle name when I'm disappointed in him.


  28. #353
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    Stan: Kids you wanna play 20 question until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
    Steve: Ronald Reagan?
    Stan: Damn!

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  30. #354
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    What is this, Old Man Day? What a terrible holiday that would be. Thousands of pigeons would die from overfeeding.

  31. #355
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    You're over, Paddington! So take your little rain slicker and your little boots and go DIE IN AN ALLEY.

  32. #356
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    They're Sun Fresh chips, they're healthy for you, healthier than regular chips...

    Oh! No, they are not!

  33. #357
    Pin Pal musa's Avatar
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    Francine: He couldn't get the money together, so I lowered the price.
    Roger: Well that makes sense you set the price too high. It's hard for him with you not working. Not contributing.
    Francine: Okay....
    Roger: I can't for Stan to ride in here and give me hugs.
    Francine: In the mean time I bought you your taco.
    Roger: Oh thank God, I'm starving! (Takes something out and sees it's a taco) Yeah, this is Taco Bar and I said Taco King.
    Francine: Aren't they the same thing? Anyway Stan's coming....
    Roger: Have I commited some crime? Did I clean the toilet with a washcloth and then jam it in your mother's mouth?


  34. #358


    Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!
    Current Season Rankings: 6 > 3 > 8 > 4 > 7 > 10 > 5 > 2 > 9 > 11 > 13 > 1 > 12 > 15 > 24 > 14 > 20 > 22 > 17 > 19 > 23 > 18 > 21 > 16

  35. #359
    Curiouser and curiouser MindQuad's Avatar
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    I ran out of tissues and started using my handy tube sock to dry my tears...I think my eyes might be pregnant.

  36. #360
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    Mmm. Look at that bulge. Best part of waking up is bulgers in your cup, MMM!

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