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  1. #1
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Father In London

    For a long time I've had this idea of an animated show about a father who lives in London, with one wife and two kids. I just thought the name "Father In London" sounded really good and catchy. What goes for the jokes about England, they will be there, but not very frequent.
    Anyway...

    Johan
    This is the main character, the father in London. He is, albeit still a bit politically incorrect, highly moralist and will stop at nothing to get his will through. He believes the society is a nuisance and often tries to get the wheel going to have some changes made. He often goes too far though, and gets into trouble easily. However, he is still a truly loving father and although he is broken down by Samantha's sarcastic comments against him, he supports her to no end and will do anything in his way to help her out. He is stereotyping a bit, but never means any harm and isn't racist or homophobic about it like Rachel is.
    His work is doing commercials for rabbit soup.
    Fun fact: He is seen with a cigarette in every single scene.

    Rachel
    Rachel is more of a... anti-moralist. She cares about her kids too, but teaches them stupid things, especially when it comes to Carl. She teaches him racist lessons because she thinks she "knows how black people work", but it's always meant to be well-intentioned. She sometimes accompanies Johan in what he does, but only because she thinks it's fun, not to actually give him any good help. She is known to be racist against Irish.
    She works as an actress, but isn't very successful.
    Fun fact: She is older than Johan, while it often is the opposite in many sitcoms.

    Samantha
    Samantha is ambitious and very good at painting. She's happy with her family, but occasionally will have a grudge with her mom because of Rachel's stereotyping of how "girls and boys are", which can create some problems. She often has to look after Carl and most of the time is the only one who has any idea what he's up to. She on a daily basis dryly makes fun of her father, but she never does it to hurt him, just because he does very questionable things.
    Fun fact: She had her lips made bigger by plastic surgery.

    Carl
    He mostly has a positive attitude, but like any kid can express other emotions. He is very explorius and will sometimes go off doing things like running off in the wild or maybe even visiting dangerous quarters. He's good at picking up stuff people tell him, but is not good at reading signals and is oblivious when it comes to strangers.
    Fun fact: He is adopted from Chile.

    Some other recurring characters
    I don't have many of them yet, but I have some.

    Wick
    He is very energetic when directing, but never double-checks the material, so the commercials always turn out really crappy. He always has trouble with Johan, who complains about every idea he has for promoting rabbit soup.

    Gregren
    He is your typical Irish drunk and will often ramble on about random stupid stuff and often forgets Johan's name. It's also lesser known that he lives a depressing life and drinks to try and escape reality.


    What makes this different from regular sitcoms:
    The wife is older than the husband.
    The daughter is not treated like shit.
    There are only two kids.
    The husband doesn't visit the bar himself, he happily lets his wife join along him.
    They are not married.
    They don't have a pet and are not planning to get one either.

    I hope you'll enjoy it once I post the script for the first episode, which is about Johan getting crazed over techno music and thinks every single person listening to it does drugs and wants to put a stop to it, but with dire consequences.
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-01-2018 at 01:58 PM.
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  2. #2
    Edgy McEdgeEdge LukeMM95's Avatar
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    I think this could have potential if you do it right. A big area you'll have to work on are the father and mother characters. You'll be walking a fine line while trying to make two politically incorrect characters likeable (especially since you described one as a bigot). Make sure if one of the characters does go a bit too far, that they get punished for it in some way or at the very least learn some lesson. If you don't, the show could turn ugly.

    I'm looking forward to reading your first script.
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  3. #3
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LukeMassMurderer95 View Post
    You'll be walking a fine line while trying to make two politically incorrect characters likeable (especially since you described one as a bigot). Make sure if one of the characters does go a bit too far, that they get punished for it in some way or at the very least learn some lesson. If you don't, the show could turn ugly.
    The difference is that Johan is not very serious when he's being incorrect, while Rachel thinks that it's how things really work when she stereotypes.
    Not many episodes will have her learning a lesson (one of those exceptions though will be when Samantha is revealed to be a lesbian) but she not too seldom gets a "what the hell"-look from others when she says something weird.

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    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Okay, I'm not done with it yet, but I've gotten a far bit, so here's what I've crafted together for now!
    NOTE: There are not really "chapters" or anything, just things like "Later..." and such.

    FATHER IN LONDON episode 1: Technocally, It Sucks

    Johan is in the kitchen sipping tea. He is calmly reading the newspaper when suddenly loud, obnoxious music starts playing in the background.
    Johan: Son of a- Okay, calm down, Johan. It’s just… music. You can read the paper anyway. Hey, looky here, another bombing in Irak…
    The music is playing even louder.
    Johan (trying to over-voice the music): Lots of people dying…! Thousands of victims!!
    The music plays even louder.
    Johan: TEARS SPILLED!
    The music plays even louder.
    Johan: AND OBAMA TOLD THE SOLDIERS TO- Hey, turn that bloody crap off!!!
    He puts down the newspaper and walks into the living room.
    Johan: What on earth is this cacophony?!
    Samantha: Oh, this? It’s just techno.
    Johan: Oh yeah? Well, technically, it sucks! How can anyone like this?
    Samantha: It wasn’t my idea; Carl is the one who suggested it.
    Carl (making dance moves): This is what the coko-people like!
    Johan suddenly stares at him in shock and turns off the music immediately.
    Johan: What did you say, Carl?
    Carl: Turn it back on, Jo! It’s fun!
    Johan: Look, I told you not to call me Jo! You want Snoop Dog coming up with a rhyme to it? Come on, tell me what you just said.
    Samantha: He said, “This is what the coko-people like”.
    Johan: I expected this li’l feller to answer, but that’s fine too. Wait, what the hell?
    Samantha: Common music at raves, you know?
    Johan: You are doing drugs?!
    Samantha: No, I only said that-
    Johan: You are selling drugs to people who do drugs?! Or maybe you are making them??? Oh, you are in a whole heap of trouble, you two!
    Samantha: Jesus, dad! We are only listening to the music!!
    Johan: Yeah… Yeah… Still not a good way of source though. But perhaps I could…
    Samantha: Could what?
    Johan: Hey, I’ve got it!
    Samantha: Got a bulb shining over your head?
    Johan: If I just changed their music to something far less hippie inducing, I could make them stop mixing with amphetamine, LSD, needles or whatever the heck they use…
    Samantha: Nice idea.
    Johan: Thanks.
    Samantha: For a retarded clown fish, that is.
    Johan: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that and go ahead with the procedure.
    Samantha: Don’t you have a job to go to?
    Johan: Sure thing, almost forgot about that!
    Rachel (from the kitchen): Screw the job, Johan! They only underpay you, anyway!
    Johan: I get 60 000 pounds a month! How the hell is that a below average wage??
    Rachel: We could be richer than our neighbors!
    Johan: We already are.
    Rachel: Well, you do commercials for freakin’ rabbit soup! How is that worth making a living for?
    Johan: At least those rabbits had a whole lot of sex before they died! Now, I enjoy speaking with you, but I’ve got to… go to work. Sorry.
    Rachel: Heyhey, it’s fine.
    They briefly give each other a kiss, then Johan puts on his outer clothing and walks out from the door.
    Johan: Bye!
    Samantha, Carl and Rachel: Bye!
    He closes the door, and then as he walks in the middle of the garden, he turns to the audience and says:
    “See, this is how un-American we are. We don’t hesitate to say a damn good-bye. And we don’t just give a petty kiss on the cheek, what are we, gay?!

    Later, at work. Johan is eating a sandwich in comfy chair. The director suddenly calls for him.
    Director: You are up, Johan McField!
    Johan: Just a minute, I’ve got eat the rest of this… sandwich. Hey, what the blazes do you stock in these?! It feels like my teeth are falling apart!
    Director: Johan, you are British.
    Johan: Sharap, racist. Fine, I’ll get to it. I don’t like the taste anyway.
    He puts the sandwich on the chair.
    Director: Well, let’s start.
    Cricket sounds are suddenly heard.
    Johan: What the hell was so awkward with what you said?
    Director: Oh, that’s just the crickets seeping from your sandwich. Okay, action!
    Johan: Hold on, where’s the script?
    Director: You need a script for a commercial? When I say action, I mean action!
    Johan gets up on the set and the camera starts rolling. There’s a rabbit beside of him.
    Johan: Oh look. There’s a rabbit! What on earth should we do with this little feller? Feed it? Play with it? Let it out in the wild? HA! People need food, and…
    The director suddenly turns on techno music.
    Johan: Wick, what the devil are you-
    Director: I thought this might bring more younguns to buy our product. Sharap and concentrate!
    Johan: Well, like I said, we need food, and what’s better than a fluffy lit… tle… (the techno is turned up louder) … sweetie-cheek animal, eh? I say we… (the techno gets even more overbearing for him) … put it in the pot and… Ah, BURN IN HELL, YOU PERKY BITCHES!
    Director: CUT!!
    The director drags Johan by his arm and takes him off the stage.
    Director: Jesus Christ, Johan! Have you gone bonkers today?!
    Johan: Maybe… Just maybe… I wouldn’t be as cranky if you turned that techno-crock off, dunderhead!
    Director: But I just explained to you that-
    Johan: I don’t care! You want to see your kids putting some lizardly substance inside of them? I sure don’t!
    Director: I have no idea what you mea-
    Johan: Like I’m supposed to rely on what you understand!
    Johan takes the sandwich and throws it on the radio.
    Director: What are you doing?! YOU ARE WRECKING MY RADIO!
    Johan: Fear no more, wicked Wick. It’s all ogre now.
    Director: Huh?
    Johan: I’ve got to go.

    Back at home. Johan is in the bathroom putting bandages over himself. Rachel steps in and stares at him confused.
    Rachel: What the hell are you doing with those bandages??
    Johan: Oh, this? I’m going on a party and I need to be prepared.
    Rachel: What, you are worried you’ll catch HIV?
    Johan (chuckles): No, Rachel! I just fear the needles!
    Rachel: What?
    Johan: I’m going out on rave. I don’t want those… claws reaching in on me… with their… “medication”!
    Rachel: Johan, you are such an old-yeller! If you are so damn scared of drugs, why are you going on a rave in the first place?
    Johan: To get rid of that electronic monstrosity.
    Rachel: What for?!
    Johan: I have reasons to believe my kids are involved in a drug cartel and I want to put a stop to it!
    Rachel: How can you be so certain?
    Johan: What do you think? The devil cast shameful music, and people take it to their minds and commit sinful deeds!
    Rachel: What do you care? You are not even Christian.
    Johan: Yeah, but I might be converted into one!
    Rachel: Well, if you really have to go… Can I come with you?
    Johan: Hm? Yeah, sure. Forcing you to stay home would make me a chauvinistic son of a bitch.
    Rachel: Johan, you take care of the kids eighty percent of the time. You even hide behind their desks to make sure they don’t cheat on tests!
    Johan: Eighty percent is not enough. Oh, hold on! I’ll get a babysitter.
    Rachel: Why can’t I fix it?
    Johan: You don’t remember?
    [Flashback follows]
    It knocks on the door, and Rachel opens. A creepy-looking man is standing there.
    Rachel: Oh hi! Johan, kids, get over here!
    Johan, Samantha and Carl come forward.
    Rachel: This is our new babysitter Craig. Craig, meet Carl and Samantha.
    Samantha: Hi.
    Carl: Hello, stranger!
    Craig: Hey, kid, have you got a fancy dick like all blackies?
    Johan, terrified, slowly closes the door.
    [Flashback stops]
    Johan: I’ll call up someone.

    A while later.
    Johan: Your mother and I will be gone for a couple hours. Have fun with your babysitter!
    The door is closed, and Craig (disguised is a woman) is aside of the kids.
    Disguised Craig: Hello, kids, I’m Angela. It will be joyful to look after you.
    Samantha: I recognize you.
    Disguised Craig: SHARAP!

    Even later, just outside the entrance to the rave. A guard is standing beside the door.
    Johan: Here it is… Are you ready? Can you take the pressure? The terror? The evilness lurking around?
    Rachel: Why wouldn’t you? You are the only one close on chickening out.
    They walk up and the guard stops them.
    Guard: Hold it! How old are you?
    Johan: 33.
    Rachel: 36.
    Guard: Pathetic… All right, step in.
    They step in through the door. Bright colors are flashing and loud techno music is playing.
    Johan: Christ! I can feel my ears throbbing!!!
    He stares at somebody in front of him dancing. He steps up to the person.
    Johan: Hey, there. Having fun?
    The person: WHAT?
    Johan: HAVING FUN?
    The person: OH YEAH, YOU BET!
    Johan: NO, YOU DON’T!
    Johan suddenly starts searching through the person’s pockets. He finds nothing.
    Johan: OH, I GET IT. YOU’VE ALREADY INSERTED IT! BUT DON’T WORRY. I SHALL SAVE YOU, MY BOY! Come on, Rachel, we have a bit left to go!!!
    Johan and Rachel walk past him.
    The person: What the hell just…
    Johan keeps searching, then finally sees the stereo.
    Johan: There we go…
    He starts running and then takes a grip of the stereo.
    DJ: Whoa! You’ve had enough, old goat!
    Johan: Speak for yourself!
    Johan gets the stereo off the table and is about to step on it, but is stopped.
    DJ: Cut that out! I don’t want to lose my job, old goat!
    Johan: Old goat? OLD GOAT?
    Johan knocks him with the stereo in his head.
    Meanwhile, Rachel is talking with a few teenagers.
    Rachel: This stuff isn’t good for you, okay? Here, have some booze.
    The teenagers laugh, then takes the booze and start drinking it. Johan arrives with the stereo.
    Johan: I stole their white trash-crap, honey. Let’s get out of here.
    They escape through the exit, but are stopped by a bunch of stoned people.
    Stoner #1: Hey, where are… you going with that bloody stereo? I, like… Huh, man?
    Johan: Oh, I’m just giving it some fresh air.
    Stoner #1: Makes sense!
    Stoner #2: What about you though?
    Johan: What?
    Stoner #2: If the stereo gets air, what do you get yourself?
    Johan: Oh, surely you must understand that I too get a- Uuuuh, I mean… Oxygen, of course.
    Stoner #3: What the fu… What do you take us for, bear humpers? Because, Christ, I don’t understand… what you… what you are babbling about, you… rascal…
    Johan: Well, you see, the point is… Hey, look, it’s Tommy Chong!
    Stoner #3: Where?
    Johan (whispers): Run, Rachel!
    They quietly run away and when the stoners turn back to them, they are gone.
    Stoner #1: Damn it.
    Stoner #2: What?
    Stoner #1: We could have gotten an autograph from Dermot Morgan!
    Stoner #3: Dude, he’s dead! And he doesn’t even look like him! And he’s Irish, for criminy’s sake!
    Stoner #2: Screw it, let’s get some crocodile.

    They have run past them, and just walks.
    Rachel: Johan, what the hell should we do with it now?!
    Johan: Burn it.
    Rachel: You can’t burn a ster-
    Johan: Burn it. We’re going to burn it.
    Rachel: We can’t burn a freaking stereo!!!
    Johan: We have to do something, or else we came here for nothing!
    Rachel: Just throw it in the composter and leave it be.
    Johan sees a composter and throws the radio in there.
    Johan: Let’s go!

    Johan opens up the door with his keys, so he and Rachel can step in.
    Johan: Hello, Carl and Saman! We are home!
    Rachel: “Saman”? Why do you always have to shorten here name to something Turkish?
    Johan: It’s cool, Rachel.
    Samantha comes out of her room.
    Samantha: Hi!
    Johan: Did the babysitter treat you well? Hey, wait a sec… Where is she?
    Samantha: Whom you call “she” has left. Well, you see, he, uuuh… He left in disappointment since he realized that Carl didn’t have such a big… Uuuuhm… Carl’s five. That’s all I need to tell on that matter.
    Carl: Hiya, dad! Hiya, mom!
    Rachel: “Hiya”? What are you, an Indian?
    Carl: Did you find the spooky tecla-monsters, dad?!
    Johan: No, not “tecla”, Carl. I said techno.
    Carl: What the hell is that?
    Johan: Man, where did you learn that word?
    Carl: That’s what the babysitter said when he looked down my-
    Johan: That’s enough details! Also, yeah… It went fine. We stole the radio playing the drivel and threw it in a container.
    Samantha stares at Johan in chock.
    Johan: What? It’s not like I threw a container in a radi- Okay, that doesn’t work.
    Samantha: What do you possibly hope to achieve with this?! You steal all the radios, throw them in container, and then what?
    Johan: What do you mean? You did get that music from a rave, didn’t you?
    Samantha: No, Carl bought it with his own cash.
    Johan: WHAT?!
    Johan turns to Carl.
    Johan: Carl, for your own sake… Please. Do not… consume… crap-tunes.
    Rachel: I bought Snoop Dog-CD’s to him for present, but he hasn’t even touched them!
    Johan looks confused at Rachel:
    Johan: Why did you buy Snoop Dog-tracks of all things?
    Rachel: What’s what his kind likes, right?
    Suddenly we see somebody hiding behind a table, recording their voices on tape.
    Guy behind table: So sweet vengeance.
    Johan (from afar): Did you hear something?
    Guy behind table: Crap!
    Johan: Did you hear that sound again?
    Guy behind table: Son of a-
    Johan: Did you hear it once more?
    Guy behind table: Oh, for Christ’s… I’ll sneak out of here.
    Johan: I can swear I heard someth-
    Guy behind table: SHARAP, BLONDIE!
    Johan turns around and sees the guy crashing out of his window.
    Johan: That was peculiar!

    A few days later. Johan is in a music shop.
    Johan: I’d like to buy everything electric you have here.
    Cashier: Any kind of genre you are thinking about, like House, Skrillex…?
    Johan: Give me all of it.
    Cashier: ALL?
    Johan: Do you have a dick in your ear? OF COURSE!
    The cashier walks around collecting all the CD’s with electronic music on them. He then puts them on the desk.
    Cashier: Here you go, sir.
    Johan: Jesus, that’s a whole lot!
    Cashier: People really dig it at this time of period! I think it’s pretty awesome myself. You want to hear recommendations from me?
    Johan: No thanks.
    Johan pays for the CD’s, then opens up a box of matches and turns all the CD’s on fire.
    Cashier: WHAT THE HELL?!
    Johan: I paid for it, didn’t I? This is not illegal.
    Cashier: You bought every single techno-CD from my store just to burn them up?!?! JUST HOW WICKED OF A DOLT ARE YOU???
    Johan: It’s sad how you don’t see it’s actually the other way around.
    Cashier: These cost me millions!! I’m going to lose my job for this!
    Johan: Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten one in the first place. See you later!
    Johan walks out of the store satisfied, but the police soon arrive.
    Johan: Oh… Hi, officer. Nice shiny day, isn’t it?
    Officer: Whatever you say. I was considering going into the ol’ music store buying some Transwave albums!
    Johan: All sold out.
    Officer: But they imported those just yesterday!
    Johan: You know how it is, don’t you… Accuzyme-humper?
    Officer: Huh?
    Johan runs away.

    Johan is sitting in an armchair reading “50 Shades Of Grey”.
    Johan: This is… This is crap. Why the heck did he… Why does she… Screw it!!!
    He tosses the book in the trash bin and turns on the radio.
    Announcer on radio: And here we give you the smash-hit of the day, folks! A jam-packed, wondrous piece of techno! We call it “The Mixes Of The Holiest Of Molies”! Roll it up, Dennis. (the song starts playing) “J-j-j-j-Johan! J-j-Johan! Take out the… Take out the…” (random techno noise) “… trash! … trash! … t-t-trash!” (techno noise) “No problemo!” “No problemo!” “N-no… no-no-o-o-o problemo!” (techno noise)
    Johan: What in the living hell am I listening at?!
    The song: “Hey, Carl, time to get to…” (techno noise) “… s-s-schoo-o-o-o-ol!” “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh Rachel, you make me orga-”
    Johan turns the radio off.
    Johan and Rachel are both staring at the radio.
    Johan & Rachel: What the hell was that?!
    Johan: They even recorded our sex life! You know the moment when I put in your-
    Samantha are staring at them disgusted.
    Johan: What? Those damn conservatives aren’t teaching you that in school?
    Rachel: How did they get a mike in here?
    Johan: Oh my God… Rachel, I think I understand what’s going on…
    Rachel: Really?
    Johan: The electro zombies are claiming revenge on me now! They are… They are coming after us! They are here already! You’re next! You’re next! You’re next…!
    Samantha: Dad, what on earth are you rambling about?
    Johan: Sorry, I think I… got off the rails there.
    Rachel: Well, this is an invasion of privacy; we have to call the police!
    Johan: I’m afraid that won’t do good, Rachel. They will likely tape the entire interrogation they’ll have with the cops and mix it up to another techno song!
    Samantha: I don’t think they’d make money off on that.
    Johan: You never know!! Nope, I say we track them and kick their asses!
    Samantha: It’s more likely it will turn out the other way around.
    Johan: Please stop foiling my plans. They are exquisite! Hey, hold on… What if they are taping up material for a new song… right this second?!
    Samantha: Hey, how likely do you think it is that-
    The radio suddenly starts playing up a new song.
    Announcer on radio: Hoppla-hoy, people! We’ve got another fantastic hit from the anonymous slightly creepy guy who broke into our office and pointed their guns at our heads to make sure we play the goddamn song! We call this newbie “Confidential Confidentionalization”!
    Samantha: What a two hundred percent retarded name.
    (the song starts playing on the radio)
    “Wh-what on ea-ea-ea-ea-earth are you… Talking! Talking! Talking! About? (random techno noise) I say we… say we… track them down! Dow-dow-dow-down and kick their-”
    Johan turns the radio off again.
    Samantha: Son of a damn. I suppose you’re right on this one! But do you know what’s even stranger?
    Johan: What?
    Samantha: Who turned the radio back on?
    Johan suddenly stares at the radio in great chock.
    Johan: Oh my God… Oh my God! JESUS CHRIST!
    Johan grabs a baseball bat and smashes the radio to bits.
    Samantha: What the hell are you doing?!
    Johan: This is a work of evil. And the object of evil has to die.
    Rachel: Johan, what will we do??
    Johan: There’s not much we can do, just hope nobody will enjoy that drivel.
    Somebody knocks on the door.
    Johan: I’ll… I’ll go get it.
    Johan walks up the door and opens it. An Irish drunk is standing on the doorstep.
    Johan: Oh, it’s only you. Hello, Gregren.
    Gregren: How, how a’ ye duin’? Listen, I heard your song and I have to hand to ye… It was a bloody riot! Me and me pals have listened to it a hundre’ bloddy times an’ we love it! Can I get ye autograph?!
    Johan: We’ve met each other at the bar hundreds of times, for God’s sake.
    Gregren: Yeah, but still!
    Johan: Fine… But you have to give credit to Rachel too! Those S.O.B.’s had us both!
    Gregren: Yeah yeah, whateve’ ye ach saying, mate!
    Johan: Can you give me a pen, hun?
    Rachel gives him a pen and Johan puts his autograph on a piece of paper, which he gives to Gregren.
    Johan: Here it is, go home.
    Gregren: By holy McScott! I thank ye, Peter!
    Johan: My name is Johan.
    Gregren: Pehan?
    Johan: Johan!
    Gregren: Ye saying yer name is… Jopetran?
    Johan: What the Christ, just go home!
    Gregren: Must say I’m veeeechy thankful you gave me ye-
    Johan: Go home, you idiot!
    Johan slams the door shut.
    Rachel: What a Fumblin’ Dumblin’.
    Johan and Samantha stares at her.
    Rachel: What? Let them stay there with their bloody Loch Ness-lake.
    Johan is pondering.
    Johan: We have to find out where they are.
    Rachel: Johan, are you nuts?! They’ll kill us for stealing that radio!
    Johan: No, they will only kill me, so everything will be… so-so. We go back to the club and try and sight them. When we do, we follow them to find out what they are up to with the drug-enlaced brains.
    Rachel: Right… Right now?
    Johan: Sure, why not.
    Rachel: Wait, we need a babysitter.
    Johan: We can’t afford to hire one again, so… Samantha, you are in charge. But don’t do drugs!
    Samantha: Why would I??
    Johan: You are 12, you are curious; there you have it! Bye now!
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-17-2016 at 07:12 AM.


  5. #5
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    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-17-2016 at 07:12 AM.

  6. #6
    Edgy McEdgeEdge LukeMM95's Avatar
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    Okay so I read it. Here's my honest response:

    I can still see some potential here but your script was very hit and miss. At the moment it kind of feels like a mix between a classic British sit-com and American Dad, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I just thought there were times when Johan felt a little too much like Stan Smith. The dialogue a lot of the time sounds identical to that of a old-fashioned sit-com, so much so that I can here the laugh-track playing after every punch line. Again, not a bad thing but it just feels a little run-of-the-mill. The humour is something you should really work on. Most of the big gags seemed to misfire and some I don't even understand. If Johan purchased all the CD's before burning them, then how exactly is the store owner losing money? There's the line about conservatives teaching sex ed in schools. Wouldn't it make more sense if they were liberals? Also if you're going to make a paedophile joke, it's best you go for the more subtle route. Dark humours great, but if you go too far with it, you either kill the joke or it becomes unpleasant.

    Still the story could work and seemed to be nicely paced for a half hour comedy. Try to set the scene better though. If you're writing scripts, it's best you use proper formatting. For example, at the beginning of each scene you should write:

    INT(interior)/EXT(exterior). *Insert location (e.g living room, office, etc)* - *Insert time of day (e.g. Morning, Evening, etc)*

    Here's an example:

    INT. Living Room - Day

    By doing this, you're helping the reader know exactly where the scene is taking place. Hope this helps.

  7. #7
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    @LukeMassMurderer95 Interesting that you compared Johan to Stan Smith, because I never had him in mind when writing the script. Now that you mention it though, I guess there are some similarities. Would you still say there are some differences between them?
    This was pretty difficult to write, so thanks for your constructive opinion. As for the pedophile joke (you are probably talking about the most crude one), I wanted him to say something clumsy that would make Johan regret he made him come over immediately. If his line was too subtle, Johan probably would only be confused and let him in anyway. Don't worry about me talking it to the biggest length though. I would never let any sicko molest Carl.
    As for the conservative-joke, I made fun of the ideology's old-fashioned views and figured that they would probably give out very sparse information on sex, but maybe I've got it wrong?

    I thought I was describing enough to make sure anyone knows what the current location is, but I'll take your suggestion with me.

  8. #8
    Edgy McEdgeEdge LukeMM95's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GhoulSpookerSnospisEht View Post
    @LukeMassMurderer95 Interesting that you compared Johan to Stan Smith, because I never had him in mind when writing the script. Now that you mention it though, I guess there are some similarities. Would you still say there are some differences between them?

    I'd have to read more before I can point out there differences. At the moment, I mostly saw similarities in how they overreact to small things and go to great lengths to accomplish stupid things that they believe are right.

    As for the pedophile joke (you are probably talking about the most crude one), I wanted him to say something clumsy that would make Johan regret he made him come over immediately. If his line was too subtle, Johan probably would only be confused and let him in anyway. Don't worry about me talking it to the biggest length though. I would never let any sicko molest Carl.
    I think it's just a case of how you wrote it. Having Craig just blurt out that he's out for a "fancy dick" isn't really funny as it is cringey. If Johan is too slow to pick up on subtle hints, maybe you should have Samantha point it out to him by whispering into his ear. Or just end the flashback early so how the family dealt with him is left to the audience's imagination.

    As for the conservative-joke, I made fun of the ideology's old-fashioned views and figured that they would probably give out very sparse information on sex, but maybe I've got it wrong?
    I think I might have misread the joke. I do find the line a bit odd though, since Johan comes across as quite conservative, in a overly-protective kind of way.

    I thought I was describing enough to make sure anyone knows what the current location is, but I'll take your suggestion with me.
    It will just make your script appear more professional and visually pleasing. If you plan on writing scripts, it's best to learn how to format them properly.

  9. #9
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Is this show ever going to happen?
    Maybe!

    I started animating it yesterday and thought I might show you a preview image:


    What is Johan staring at in shock? Don't miss the episode Technocally, It Sucks!

    As for the script, it's mostly the same aside of some different dialogue rephrasings. I've been wanting to do something with Father In London in YEARS, and now finally might actually produce a whole episode. The first sentence has already been recorded and 64 frames have been drawn. Stay tuned for further updates.
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-13-2016 at 04:30 AM.

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  11. #10
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    i thought threads for your shit were no longer allowed


  12. #11
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Rude
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-13-2016 at 04:29 AM.

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  14. #12
    AddminisGator Gatorgod's Avatar
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    I read it and I liked it!
    cant wait to see the first clip!


  15. #13
    nsfw pilcrow's Avatar
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    The first sentence has already been recorded


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    nice river city ransom inspired av gator

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  18. #15
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OldSchoolerSimpsons View Post
    Technocally
    lmao


  19. #16
    Voice of Rachel Matty's Avatar
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    I never knew about this one. So is the father Swedish? Have you ever been to London yourself?

    Can't wait to hear OSS do some British accents.

  20. #17
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Small update.

    8 sentences (and 3 lines) have been recorded. I've drawn 137 frames. There's a long way to go, but I can't give up just yet. There are 23 pages to animate and I'm not even done with the first one.

    And this will not be until forever, but here are the plots for the rest of the season:


    Damn It To The Industries

    The episode originally meant to be the pilot. When a new oil company starts up and begin poisoning the city, Johan takes matters into his own hands and decides to put a stop to it.

    School For Fool

    Carl is 6 and is about to begin his first day at school. Unfortunately, he is accidentally sent to an ultraconservative school, which makes Carl go through hell. Johan then forces Samantha to return to the first grade in order to help Carl out. But will that in contrary only make things worse?

    A Little Black C... arl

    The story of the circumstances around Carl getting adopted from Chile.

    CPerson

    Johan becomes friends with someone who has CP, which makes them both targets for ridicule and prejudices.

    Quest For Coms

    Johan and Rachel are about to have sex, but realize they don't have any condoms left. Johan then decides to buy new ones, but it proves more difficult than he thought.
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-13-2016 at 04:30 AM.

  21. #18
    Administrator Sam's Avatar
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    fuckin CPerson

  22. #19
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    181 frames have been drawn. Yeah the progress is really slow, but the work is still on-going!

    Johan is not very pleased over his daughter listening to techno...

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  24. #20
    Voice of Rachel Matty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OldSchoolerSimpsons View Post
    Quest For Coms

    Johan and Rachel are about to have sex, but realize they don't have any condoms left. Johan then decides to buy new ones, but it proves more difficult than he thought.
    Based on your own adventures in condom buying?


  25. #21
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    302 frames have been drawn, which is a solid number but far away from how many there are left. I'm still stuck on the first page!

    Anyway, here is a still of one more of the characters you will meet.

    Unlike Johan, Carl has gotten quite the hang of techno...

  26. #22
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    This has by far been the most productive day so far.
    I drew 88 frames, just to finally be done with the first page. And guess what? Now I am!
    On to page 2!
    (There are 394 frames in total)
    Last edited by OldSchoolerSimpsons; 01-19-2016 at 03:06 PM.

  27. #23
    Voice of Rachel Matty's Avatar
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    Has Carl gotten the hang of walking around on a hockey stick?

    Any NHC-ers doing voices for this production?

  28. #24
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    I'm doing the voices for Johan and Carl, but I really need female voice actors for Samantha and Rachel. There are also various other characters, including recurring characters Wick and Gregren, that haven't been given voices yet.

  29. #25


    i can do the voice for rachel in dan mintz style

    You're BoJack Horseman, no cure for that.

  30. #26
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    Just for the hell of it (and because I had a lot of free time on my hands), I this day drew 88 more frames!
    I definitely won't be able to keep up this pace constantly, but if I can be this productive more often, I might be done with the episode in about 6-7 months.

  31. #27
    太った猫😊 The Goode Family's Avatar
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    shouldnt u be studyin

    Quote Originally Posted by ilovebender.com View Post
    I love women.

  32. #28
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    You are a lifesafer, torm! When you said that, I thought "Hold on, maybe I should..." and checked my star marked mails (which I have for important ones), and guess what? Today is the introduction day for the continuation course! Thank God I was reminded! I gotta set my alarm clock immediately.


  33. #29
    The Blue Files OldSchoolerSimpsons's Avatar
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    But I still am proud of drawing 176 frames in only 2 days.

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    chuck jones you ain't



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