View RSS Feed

Financial Panther

Bagel Wars IV: Donutopolis' Revenge

Rate this Entry
It's been quite a while since I posted the last Bagel Wars installment, so here are the other three to provide a refresher.




As the bagels continued to terrorize Donutopolis, Queen Éclair mulled over her options. She knew her planet's military would stand no chance against Bagelodonia's disciplined units, so she decided on a radical course of action. One of the few similarities between the two civilizations was the idea that no Earthling could know about their sentience, for Earthlings were bound to stir up a storm of epic proportions if they were to know. However, the queen knew that desperate times called for desperate measures, and she decided to enlist the help of who would surely be Earth's number-one donut supporter: U.S. President Donald J. Trump.

The queen knew she didn't have much time if she wanted to save the planet. The problem was that Earthlings could not receive interplanetary pastry-mail, so the queen came up with another idea: She would send a message to Donutopolis' Earth embassy and inform them of the plan.

Once the members of the embassy, under their human disguises, received the information, they sprang into action. They knew Trump enjoyed the cream-filled triple-chocolate calorie burster. One of those donuts shed its human form and climbed onto the truck that would be delivered to the bakery that supplied Trump with his donuts.

When the donut finally arrived on Donald's plate, it uttered its plea.

"Please help us, sir!" cried the donut. "I know we are but delectable treats for you to enjoy here on Earth, but our planet is in an extreme crisis! We are being overrun by bagels, and our troops are being destroyed left and right!"

"Say no more," Trump said. "I will personally go to your planet and supply you with top-of-the-line weapons. You can count on me."

Trump climbed into his personal spaceship that he purchased with the taxpayers' money and flew to Donutopolis under the guidance of the helpful donut. The donut took him to the military leader, General Sprinkles, and Trump provided him with needed weapons.

"First, take these long-range cheesifiers," he said. "They require little skill to use; simply aim them at a group of bagels, and it will engulf them in cream cheese, causing them to suffocate. I use them on all my food to make it easier to stomach, but you need them more than I do."

He also provided the general with AK-47s.

"These are guns," said Trump. "I really like them. They're loud, but they get the job done."

The general thanked Trump, and he called the military in to give them the weapons.

A cataclysmic battle ensued, with the bagels' de-icers and the donuts' cheesifiers causing mass casualites on both sides. There looked to be no end in sight. But then, a horde of Earthlings rushed onto the scene. Someone had spilled the beans about the conflict between the planets, and those from Earth wanted a piece of the pastries.

"Oh lord," said the bagels' General Banana Nut. "I think we need to join forces and stop these meddlers."

"Agreed," said Sprinkles. "These planets belong to us."

Both militaries knew many of their weapons would be useless agains humans, but Sprinkles remembered the guns Trump had supplied them with. Donutopolis blew away the humans, and Trump was very proud.

"You know, I think I'm going to stay here," Trump said. "Earthlings don't like me, and as long as you let me consume some of you every now and again, I promise to be the best leader you'll ever know."

The donuts agreed that was more than fair, and Trump began his reign as Donutopolis' leader.

Meanwhile, the Bagelodonians had a newfound respect for the military strength of the donuts and decided to call off the attacks on the planet. King Pumpernickel offered a truce, which the donuts accepted. They knew they would never be able to live on the same planet, but Pumpernickel and Trump developed a camaraderie. Pumpernickel knew Trump would never touch anyone on Bagelodonia for fear of nutrition, and Donutopolis' new military might kept the bagels at bay. Trump knew this was the place for him.

"I'm home," he said.