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let me be sentimental for a second

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yesterday i was looking through old text messages on my phone and came across the conversations i had with my dad

among the highlights were him saying it "broke his heart" to know i had been at the mission, "if we knew you better you wouldn't be there," stuff like that.

you know, he offered to let me stay with him and my step-siblings and step-mom and it was great at first

but it was also hard because i wasn't used to living in a house with so many people and i like never had any privacy because if my brother didn't want to do something(usually fishing, he lives to fish pretty much) my youngest sister did, and obviously i didn't want to be mean and say 'no' all the time.

i get pretty easily annoyed because i feel like i have to do certain things. "hey wanna go on a bike ride?" "...sure...." i feel like if they ask me to do stuff and i say no to often, they won't ask me anymore, for fear of no. growing up 'no' was like my least favorite word because i hated not being allowed to do things if i wanted, like if i wanted a toy at the store and my mom said no... I dunno. I try to be a good big brother. I know me leaving and moving in with Darin hurt them badly, so I'm trying to make it up to them.

anyway, since I've been back, I've realized that I missed them more than I could ever have imagined. I just didn't realize it because I was chasing, what my dad would call, a 'temporary solution' by getting high and drunk.

i remember the day i messaged him asking if i could stay the weekend, "well it's kinda hard to trust you won't be smoking weed or drinking since every chance you've had you've lied and done it anyway" and i pretty much pleaded and begged, "oh, you can go through my duffel bag and everything." I'm trying so hard to regain trust in him and my step-mom, and I think, slowly, it's working.

For pete's sake, I'm getting baptized this weekend; for y'all who don't know what that means, it's 'born-again'; I know not many here are religious so I won't go too much into this, just know this means I'm fully a different person. No more drinking, partying, anything; I had 4 years to myself to party and do whatever I wanted; I'm ready to let someone else take control. I can't do this thing called 'life' on my own.

It just breaks my heart that I did all this. Dad almost kicked me out when I came back to the house, in his words, 'ripped' one night. He told me once he kicked one of my older sisters out because she was smoking and didn't put her cigarette out all the way, so it started a fire. That opened my eyes.

I know he wouldn't want to kick me out and it hurts that, after all these years, all I wanted was a relationship with my father, and as soon as I get one I almost ruin it for a cheap high; ain't no high worth being homeless. I'm just so grateful I was given another chance; I definitely don't deserve one. But that's the way things are.

I'd been so used to getting taken advantage of by, oh, everyone in my life that I was sure they were just putting on a show. In a way it was a relief for my dad to see me high; it was like "Yea, this is me. Still love me now dad?" I thought that was the only life I could live. Oh, how wrong I was.

Anyways I just wanted to say all that. Thanks for reading. Have a swell day.


  1. Rembrandt Q. Einstein's Avatar
    Hope you do well for yourself.