Fanscript: THoH XX (from 2009)

[Patches O'houlihan]

I'm reposting this since I doubt any of the newer members in the past 3 years even knows this exists. And here we go...

COLD OPENING.

SCENE: AUTOPSY ROOM. HOMER'S STANDING IN A WHITE LAB COAT ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.

HOMER:
Hello all you crazy fans in TV wonderland! As you can see, I'm standing in an autopsy room surrounded by dead bodies. To my left, Bart is helping me push the gurneys around to make room for the technical equipment that'll I'll have him haul in next.

CUT TO BART WHO'S REALLY PALE AND LOOKING EXTREMELY TIMID.

BART:
D-Dad...I wanna go home. This place is s-scaring me and I think the cooler in back just broke down...

HOMER: (laughs)
You see? Taking children to the morgue is like taking them to summer camp, they want to go so much, but when they get there, they want to go home.

BART: (slightly shivering in fear)
But Dad, I didn't want to come here at ALL and why are we even here?

HOMER:
You see, Bart, Fox promised me a spin off where I play a coroner who has a sidekick named Mindy and we solve mysteries at night. It's called "Morgue and Mindy". Besides, you can't spell "Dead" without "Dad," right Son?

SUDDENLY ONE OF THE BODIES UNDER THE SHEET SITS UP BART LETS OUT A SCREAM AND THEN FAINTS. LISA PULLS THE COVER OFF AND GIGGLES.

HOMER:
Good one, Lisa! And now on with the Halloween Show. (serious) Followed by the debut of "Morgue and Mindy" at 8:30/7:30 Central.

CUT TO AN OVERHEAD SHOT OF HOMER AS HE DRAWS A Red "X" OVER EACH ONE OF THE CLOSEST DEAD BODY'S EYES WHICH REMAIN VISIBLE AS THE SCENE FADES OUT REVEALING: "Tree House of Horror XX".

TITLE: "AND SO I MADE OUT WITH AN AX MURDERER"

SCENE: THE FAMILY IS STANDING IN LINE AT THE RECENTLY OPENED Sarina Alta HISTORY CENTER.

MARGE:
Do you think this murder museum is a bit much for the children? I mean with all the video games, laser tag, and stuff show on basic cable can warp a persons's mind.

HOMER:
Nah, ever seen the History Channel? Everything has something to do with Hitler. Man walks on the moon...it's connected to Hitler. The History of Nascar? You bet there's a connection to Hitler. Don't even get me started on the basis of black holes. They should call it the Hitler Channel--

MARGE:
Hrrmmm....

LISA: (reading the brochure)
It's sad to know our town's most famous woman Sarina Alta is one of the worst serial killers in our state's history.

BART:
Cool! So what's level is she?

LISA:
Bart, despite being an evil person, she wasn't a computer game....but if you want it in gaming terms, she'd be a level 70 Feminstien.

THE TOUR GUIDE ENTERS.

TOUR GUIDE: (WHO'S VERY, VERY CHIPPER)
Welcome Springfieldians to our humble little museum of horrors! While not as fancy as the Ed Gien museum in Wisconsin, we'll do our best to provide the best in giving you the specifics behind her horrible crimes.

EVERYONE FOLLOWS THE GUIDE INTO THE LOG CABIN.

GUIDE:
This here is a replica of the Cabin Sarina lived in back in the 1860s. As you can see it fits the basic scheme of any sort of rustic cabin from that era and over there in the glass cases are Sarina's collection of axes she used to turn her family into sushi.

EVERYONE BUT MARGE LETS OUT AN OOH AND AHHH AND ONE PERSON SNAPS A PICTURE.

GUIDE:
Now who here wants to hold an ax?

HOMER: (nudging Marge)
C'mon Marge, you know you wanna....

MARGE:
Homer...I'd rather not.

AS MARGE GAZES AT THE AXES, SHE SUDDENLY HEARS A WOMAN CALLING TO HER SAYING: 'Marge, you want to hold us...hold us...hold us...'

MARGE HANDS MAGGIE OVER TO HOMER AND WALKS OVER TO THE AX COLLECTION AND SLIDES THE GLASS OPEN AND TAKES OUT THE LARGEST AX UPON HOLDING IT, HE FEELS A STRANGE ENERGY FLOW FROM THE HANDLE INTO HER BODY, THEN A SUDDEN JOLT THAT KNOCKS HER OUT. WHEN MARGE AWAKENS, SHE'S LOOKING UP A DR. HIBBERT AND THE FAMILY.

HIBBERT:
'laughs' Good morning, Mrs. Simpson! It appears you had a nasty bump on your head last night.

MARGE: (dazed)
Wha..? Last night? The last thing I remembered was--

MARGE SUDDENLY HAS A FLASH IMAGE OF SARINA ALTA SMILING AT HER.

MARGE:
...I don't know.

HOMER:
Well, Maggie's been up all night at your bedside keeping watch.

HOMER HANDS MAGGIE OVER TO MARGE WHO TICKLES HER BELLY UNDER THE CRAWLER AND MAGGIE HAPPILY GIGGLES.

BART:
Woah, mom, you had us all worried back there. You're lucky, when you fell that ax missed your head by an inch!

MARGE: (her tone changes to a slightly sinister tone)
Yeah, Bart, do you happen to have it? I'd like to have another 'look' at it again, heh-heh...

MARGE GIVES A COLD, EVIL GLARE AT BART AND BART NERVOUSLY LEANS BACK A BIT.

MARGE:
And Lisa, since you're so smart, tell me...how did history remember the great "Sarina Alta" of Springfield?

LISA:
Mom? Uh, I thought you weren't interested in--

MARGE: (snarling)
Tell me!

LISA: (nervous)
Well, she murdered her family, killed the next door neighbor, and all the pets disappeared. When the town found out she was shot by firing squad and then hung, but I'm not sure about which came first.

HOMER:
I like the part about killing the next door neighbor. Ahhh, too bad she wasn't alive today, I could use a more Flanders-chopping woman in my life!

MARGE: (under her breath)
Be careful what you wish for..."Homie."

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOME. MARGE IS IN THE KITCHEN CHOPPING ONIONS WITH LARGE 12" KNIFE WHEN HOMER AND BART ENTER.

HOMER: (sniffs the air)
Hey, Marge, what's that smell? It smells like a fancy resteraunt, but without the hoity-toity air of snobbishness!

MARGE: (sinister)
Let's all pretend this will be our last meal as a family! We'll enjoy our time together instead of watching that damn telebox, or whatever you guys call that square thing.

MARGE LAUGHS AS SHE PUSHES THE ONIONS INTO THE POT OF BOILING WATER AND SHE PLAYS WITH THE KNIFE AND SMILES EVILY AT HOMER AND BART.

BART:
Mom, are you feeling okay? You sound even more out of touch--

MARGE:
No, Bart, let's just say that bump in my head has brought out your REAL mommy, heh, heh, heh...

HOMER:
Honey, does this mean I've been married to a fake Marge all this time?

MARGE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING AND JUST WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

HOMER:
That's odd, boy, normally she'd say (doing Marge impression) "hrmmm! That's not right you sexy super stud beast! Let's go upstairs and talk about it". (normal) Or, something to that effect.

BART: (rolls eyes)
Now you're sounding even more out of touch than she is, Homer.

CUT TO MARGE AS SHE'S IN THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM AS SHE PEERS INTO THE MIRROR.

MARGE: (talking to her reflection)
Well, Sarina, of all the bodies to inhibit, you had to pick the wife of an oafish lug with the ugliest children on the planet. Heh, it doesn't matter, my time in this 'body' is short and I must rid myself of this wretched 'family' in order to become an immortal!

SUDDENLY THE CAMERA PANS TO MARGE'S EYES AS WE HEAR HER THOUGHTS.

INNER MARGE:
No! You won't harm my family! I-I won't let you!

MARGE:
You can't do anything but take the fall, Marge. When I'm done with them, you'll be arrested and burned and tortured like I was!

CUT TO THE HALLWAY AS LISA IS SHOCKED AND LISTENING THROUGH THE DOOR WHEN SARINA/MARGE OPENS IT.

S-MARGE: (angry)
You!? You''ve been listening in haven't you!? Well, you're the first one on my cutting block and I'll enjoy finishing you off.

LISA SCREAMS AND RUNS FOR THE STAIRS AS SARINA/MARGE LUNGES AT HER, BUT MISSES AS LISA SLIDES DOWN THE BANISTER AND RUNS OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

S-MARGE:
'hmph' No matter, I'll track her down in due time...I think I can handle a boys, night in, however...

OUTSIDE, A STORM IS APPROACHING AND A FLASH OF LIGHTNING FOLLOWED BY THUNDER AND THEN THE POWER GOING OUT. NOW IN THE DARK, HOMER AND BART APPROACH 'MARGE' AS SHE'S STANDING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, BOTH ARE HOLDING CANDLES.

BART:
Mom...? What was all that noise?

S-MARGE:
Guys, let me show you something...

SARINA/MARGE WALKS OVER TO HOMER'S TROPHY CLOSET BY THE STAIRS AND REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT AN AX SIMILAR IN SIZE TO THE ONE FROM THE MUSEUM.

HOMER:
Oh, my god, Bart, she wants me to chop firewood!

S-MARGE:
No, I want you both to DIE!

SARINA/MARGE LUNGES AT HOMER AND BART AND TAKES A SWING, MISSING BOTH, BUT KNOCKING OVER A TABLE LAMP AND BREAKING IT. HOMER AND BART SEPARATE AND S-MARGE IS LEFT TRYING TO FIND THEM IN THE NEAR DARKNESS.

CUT TO LISA WHO'S AT THE SARINA ALTA MUSEUM. SHE'S POUNDING ON THE CARETAKER'S DOOR IN THE POURING RAIN WHEN THE TOUR GUIDE ANSWERS.

GUIDE:
Yes....Hey, you're that girl who's mother passed out yesterday. How's she doing?

LISA:
I think my Mom's been cursed with Sarina's spirit, or something but my mom tried killing me and I heard her say that she was planning on killing my dad and brother, too!

GUIDE:
Hmmm, let's not jump to conclusions. Grown-ups fight all the time and--

LISA:
Stop being condescending, damnit! This is serious! I need to know if Sarina was planning on returning from the dead after Springfield executed her, or something, but please you've got to help me!

GUIDE
Well, we could call the police, or take the law into our own hands.

LISA:
No! I want my mom to come out of this unscathed.

CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE LOG CABIN AS LISA IS READING ALL THE VARIOUS BOOK TITLES ON THE BOOKSHELF, FINDS ONE AND SHE FLIPS THROUGH IT TO THE BACK.

LISA:
I think this is it! This was Sarina's diary and according to the last entry, she willed her soul after death to live inside her murder weapons--Her ax collection.

GUIDE:
So when your mom touched the ax, her spirit traveled into her.

LISA: (embarrassed)
Well, I guess she was also trying to find a family that was as annoying as hers, but we have to go back and save my dad and brother!

GUIDE:
Let me get one thing...

THE GUIDE REACHES INTO HIS DESK DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A .44 MAGNUM.

GUIDE:
This is for when diplomacy fails and it makes me look like a tough guy!

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOME. HOMER IS COWERING IN THE GARAGE IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR.

HOMER: (thinking)
I've gotta save that meatloaf Marge made before she went crazy...oh, and the boy, too.

SUDDENLY THE REAR PASSENGER SEAT WINDOW SHATTERS AND S-MARGE IS LOOKING AT HOMER.

S-MARGE:
Get ready for that Axe Effect, honey!

HOMER:
Ahhhhh!

HOMER RUNS OUT THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CAR AND BACK INTO THE HOUSE. MEANWHILE, BART IS HIDING IN A KITCHEN CABINET BY THE SINK WHEN HE HEARS THE 'CLICK-CLACK' OF MARGE'S SHOES ACROSS THE KITCHEN TILE. SCARED HE, BUMPS A FRYING PAN AND THE FOOTSTEPS CEASE.

BART: (thinking)
Oh, I'm done for...I can't believe mom's going to kill me. I always thought dad was going to go chop-socky on me.

SUDDENLY, S-MARGE OPENS THE CABINET DOOR TO BART'S HIDING PLACE AND PULLS HIM OUT AND SETS HIM ON A KITCHEN CHAIR.

S-MARGE:
Okay, Bart don't be scared and if you move, it'll only make things that much more messy!

S-MARGE RAISES UP THE AX AND IS ABOUT TO MAKE A MOVE WHEN HOMER COMES STORMING FROM THE LIVING ROOM AND COLLIDES WITH MARGE IN THE DARKENED KITCHEN, CAUSING HER TO DROP THE AX AND SEND HER FACE FIRST INTO THE MICROWAVE, WHICH LET'S OFF A 'DING' WHEN MARGE'S FACE HITS IT BEFORE SHE HITS THE FLOOR.

HOMER: (opens microwave)
Aww, I was hoping for popcorn!

BART:
Dad! You saved me!

HOMER:
That's odd, we both came from the garage but I was running. How did she beat me here?

LISA AND THE GUIDE FROM THE MUSEUM COME RUNNING IN. BOTH ARE DRENCHED FROM THE RAINSTORM OUTSIDE AND THE POWER COMES BACK ON.

GUIDE:
Well, that was convenient.

LISA:
Oh my god, Mom!

HOMER REACHES INTO THE UTENSIL DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A RUBBER SPATULA AND POKES MARGE WITH IT.

HOMER:
Yep, she's out cold, but now what do we do?

CUT TO S-MARGE WHO'S IN A PADDED CELL AND IN A STRAIGHT-JACKET. HOMER, BART, LISA AND MAGGIE ARE ALL STARING AT HER THROUGH HER CELL DOOR.

LISA:
This is terrible. We tried every therapy and even the Dr. Phill's Home Insanity Fitness test and we all failed. I can't believe we even tried getting Sarina a job at her museum, and she still wanted to kill us!

BART:
Dad, is Mom ever going to be not-possessed ever again?

HOMER:
Who knows? Maybe one day when you three rugrats are all grown-up and moved out of the house, or maybe if we change religions.

THE TRIO LEAVE AND WAVE GOODBYE TO SARINA/MARGE.

S-MARGE: (screaming)
Lousy, stupid family. I'll kill them once I figure a way out of this place!

ZOOM IN TO MARGE'S FOREHEAD AS MARGE'S THOUGHTS ENTER.

MARGE's THOUGHTS:
Well, Sarina it looks like it's just you and me. So, Sarina, do you want to know all the great, and WONDERFUL adventures me and my family have had over the years, well, it all began when...

THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AS S-MARGE IS BANGING HER HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND IS GNAWING AT THE STRAPS ON THE STRAIGHT-JACKET.

(END FIRST SHORT)

[Patches O'houlihan]

RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL.

SCENE: The Morgue.

HOMER IS AGAIN FACING THE CAMERA, BUT THIS TIME HE HAS VERY UPSET LOOK ON HIS FACE.

HOMER:
It appears my spinoff has been cancelled even before it was suppose to air after our wonderful Halloween special. The bastards at 20th Century Fox really have their heads up their--

HOMER IS INTERUPTED BY A TEST-PATTERN SCREEN AND A CONTINUED 'EEEEEEEE' SOUND WHEN SUDDENLY IT STOPS LEAVING LISA TO ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.

LISA: (nervous)
Well, Fox would like to apologize for my Father's behvavior. In the meantime, it's my turn to shine in our next story...starring me, Lisa Simpson (under her breath) who should get her own show.

ANOTHER TEST PATTER APPEARS, BUT THIS ONE IS RIDDLED WITH STATIC AND A MESSED UP HORIZONTAL ALIGNMENT. SUDDENLY IT GOES TO BLACK AND IS REPLACED WITH A SIMPSONIZED VERSION OF JIGSAW FROM THE MOVIE "SAW". THE TITLE "SEE SAW" APPEAR.

CUT TO KEARNY AS HE'S LYING ON HIS BACK. HIS ARMS AND LEGS ARE TIED TO THE CORNERS OF A LARGE METAL TABLE MAKING LIE IN THE 'X' SHAPED GESTURE. OVERHEAD, THE CHARACTER JIGSAW IS LOOKING DOWN ON KEARNY AS HE AWAKENS.

JIGSAW:
Hello, Kearney.

KEARNEY:
Uh, hi...whoever the hell you are.

JIGSAW:
Would you like to play a game for your life? The rules are simple--you must choose what limb you want to loose because you've spent so much time at Springfield elementary, you're stretching the tax payers thin. Think of this as a tax cut for the middle class. You have 30 seconds to decide.

KEARNEY:
Wait a minute, this is age discrimination!

KEARNEY LOOKS AT EACH ONE OF HIS TIED LIMBS AND BACK ON THE TV SCREEN THAT HAS A TIMER NOW ON IT, THEN BACK TO HIS 'SHACKELS'. BY EACH ONE OF HIS WRISTS, THERE'S A 'RELEASE' TETHERED TO TWO SHARP BLADES. NOW SWEATING PROFUSELY, KEARNY'S UNABLE TO DECIDE WHEN THE TIMER HITS 00:00.

CUT A SILLOUTTE OF HIS BODY SUDDENLY BEING PULLED IN HALF.

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOME. EVERYONE'S AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE AND HAS BAGS UNDER THEIR EYES, INCLUDING MAGGIE. MARGE TURNS THE TV ON AND KENT BROCKMAN APPEARS.

KENT:
....and late last night the body of local Springfield man-child Kearn Kerns was found in the High-school wood shop, pulled into two separated halves. The police are baffled.

CUT TO WIGGUM.

WIGGUM:
Well, Kent, what you see is what you get. A lot of blood, a moderate amount of gore and a video tape. It looks like the scene of a "B" Movie set, but with a bigger budget. Unfortunetly, there's no suspects in custody, but a lot of high schoolers are thrilled for having the day off. (Yelling off screen) Lou! Just because the 11th grade has the day off doesn't mean you can, too!

CUT TO KENT.

KENT:
And that's the top story, which we'll be repeating every 2 minutes for the next three hours--

MARGE TURNS THE TV OFF.

MARGE:
Kids, I want you both to stay home from school today!

BART:
Yes! Viva la violence! When I grow up, I want to be a serial killer, too!

HOMER:
Bart, if you do, be sure to give me the movie rights so we can pay for your lawyer.

MARGE:
Stop it you two, there'll be now serial killings in this house!

LISA:
Aww, mom, I was going to work on my school project today and I needed to use the library.

MARGE:
Lisa, you'll just have to settle for that "B" this time.

BART TRIES TO SNEAK OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

MARGE:
And Bart, when I said stay home, I mean STAY HOME. There's no DVD renting, Game buying, or biking around with Milhouse.

BART:
Ohhh....

CUT TO NELSON AS HE'S LYING ON HIS BACK IN A GREASY, DAMP FLOOR IN A GARAGE. STRAPPED AT THE NECK, WAIST AND ANKLES, HE'S HOLDING A TWO OLD-SCHOOL ATARI 2600 CONTROLLERS WHICH ARE DUCT TAPED IN EACH HAND WITH JUST ENOUGH MOBILITY TO PRESS THE TRIGGER BUTTON. TWO HIS LEFT, A SMALL TV SCREEN COMES ON.

JIGSAW:
Nelson Shumway Muntz...you have been laughing at everyone's distress since the second grade with your trite "Ha Haw". You've also been priding yourself at picking on people half your size and making them do your homework but now it's time to have sometHing bigger than you be the intimidation. In each hand there's a controller--

NELSON LOOKS AT THE CONTROLLERS. THE ONE IN THE LEFT HAND HAS "HA" WRITTEN ON IT AND THE ONE ON THE RIGHT HAS "HAW" WRITTEN ON IT.

JIGSAW:
The 7 ton truck above will start coming down on the truck lift above you and in less than minute it will crush you because the tires have been removed. One of the controllers stops the lift, while the other causes all the pressure to be released instantly. You must push the correct button. Live, or die, you must choose.

THE TV SHUTS OFF.

NELSON: (watching the underside of the truck drawing closer)
Awww...crud.

NELSON CLOSES HIS EYES AND PRESSES THE 'HAW' BUTTON AND THE TRUCK STOPS AND THE SHACKLES ARE RELEASED. HAPPILY NELSON GETS UP AND TURNS TO THE TV.

NELSON:
Ha haw, I showed YOU!

NELSON TAKES A STEP BACK AND STEPS ON THE "ha" CONTROLLER BY ACCIDENT AND THE TRUCK FALLS ON HIM. HE HAD LESS THAN A SECOND TO BE SURPRISED.

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOUSE. MARGE IS WATCHING THE 'OPAL' SHOW.

OPAL:
Well, for all the housewives who are at home because they have rich, sugar-daddy husbands, or jobless due to the economy--

MARGE:
'sigh' I'm neither, I'll never fit in--

OPAL:
--today we have a special program involving home decor. Today we ask: "Are your mini-blinds the correct shade of medium to dark green? We have several experts lined up who will--

OPAL IS INTERRUPTED BY KENT BROCKMAN.

KENT:
This breaking news is just in. Local thug Nelson Muntz, terror of the lethargic homeless kids in Springfield, was found crushed under a 1980 GMC tow truck at an abandoned garage in downtown Springfield.

CUT TO THE DUSTY OLD INTERIOR OF THE GARAGE AS WIGGUM, EDDIE AND LOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CRIME SCENE.

WIGGUM:
Two murders in one day. To quote Keanu Reeves: "Whoa!" But, have no fear citizens of Springfield, we'll have this wrapped up before we have to break into any important programming. If this happens again, we'll be sure to interrupt a commercial about something nobody wants!

MARGE:
Kids! Come quick! Another one of your schoolyard friends bit the dust!

HOMER AND BART COME RUNNING IN.

MARGE:
Hey, where's Lisa?

BART:
She told me she was sneaking out to do her school project.

CUT TO THE TV. WIGGUM IS PLAYING THE 'JIGSAW' TAPE IN THE BACKGROUND.

WIGGUM:
It appears this is our main suspect. This gypsy looking fellow with a funny jawbone and strangely red, spirally cheeks.

LOU:
Ah, chief, that's a puppet of some sort.

WIGGUM:
Lou, are you sure? I could've sworn he was Turkish, or something. Ah, well...anyway, (to tv audience) if you have any information leading to the arrest and conviction of this bully killing psychopath, there's a $50,000 reward.

EDDIE: (whispering)
Who's offering this money, chief?

WIGGUM: (out of the corner of his mouth)
I've got dibs on reproducing that puppet and selling them around next Halloween. We'll make enough cash to to quit the force on top of paying out the reward money!

CUT TO LISA AS SHE'S WALKING TO THE FRONT DOOR AS MARGE IS STANDING UNDER THE CHANDELERE.

MARGE:
I forbade you to go anywhere, young lady! You deliberately disobeyed me and you missed dinner!

LISA:
Mom, you don't understand! I need to express myself through my work and if I don't, who knows what I'm capable of?

BART COMES RUNNING IN.

BART:
Murder, Leese?

LISA:
'gasp!' No! I'd never kill anyone, Bart...unless they tried murdering a pony with my saxophone.

BART:
Now there's an imagination.

MARGE:
Lisa, you are hearby grounded until they catch that Turkish puppet thingy that's killing all the bullies in this town.

LISA:
But...but...

MARGE AND HOMER WALK AWAY IGNORING LISA'S PLEAS.

LISA:
'sigh' Bart, I'm going to bed.

BART:
But it's only 5:30.

LISA TRUDGES OFF TO HER ROOM. SHE SLAMS THE DOOR AND FLOPS DOWN ON THE BED. JUST THEN HER CELLPHONE RINGS. SHE READS THE CALLER ID.

LISA: (answering)
Millhouse? 'sigh'...what do you want? I'm not in the mood to talk--

MILHOUSE INTERRUPTS.

MILHOUSE: (crying)
Oh, Lisa. I need your help...bad! The person who beat me up told me to call you and said if you don't come save me, I'll die a horrible, horrible death.

LISA:
Oh, my god, Milhouse! I'd really like to help you, but I was just grounded--This isn't some lie to get me to go out with you?

MILHOUSE: (pleading)
Please, Lisa! I don't know how much longer I can hang on!

LISA:
Where are you, Milhouse?

MILHOUSE:
I'm at the old quarry.

CUT TO MILHOUSE AS HIS CELLPHONE IS DUCT TAPED TO THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD. HIS WRISTS ARE TIED TOGETHER AND HE'S DANGING ABOVE A ROCK CRUSHER AS A CONVAYER BELT CARRYING SMALL ROCKS IS DUMPING OFF ROCKS JUST BELOW HIS FEET.

BACK AT THE SIMPSONS HOUSE, LISA HOPS OUT HER BEDROOM WINDOW AND SLIDES DOWN A ROPE, MAKES IT TO HER BIKE.

CUT TO THE ENTRANCE TO THE QUARRY. LISA HOPS OFF AND RUNS ACROSS THE OLD RICKETY ROPE BRIDGE, THROUGH A NARROW STONE PASSAGEWAY AND IS SHOCKED TO FIND A TV/VCR COMBO PLUGGED IN IN FRONT OF THE CAVERN ENTRANCE WITH A NOTE THAT READS 'TURN ON'. SHE TURNS IT ON.

JIGSAW'S FACE APPEARS. LISA LET'S OUT A GASP.

JIGSAW:
Hello, Lisa. If you are reading this, our close friend--

LISA:
He's not my close friend!

JIGSAW:
--is holding on for dear life. Lisa, you have spent your whole life caring for every living thing around you, except for your fellow man and when times became truly hard, you only looked out for yourself. Now is the time to choose--if you cannot make the ultimate sacrafice, your friend will die the most horrible death.

LISA PUSHES ASIDE THE TV AND RUNS DOWN THE DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR AND FINDS MILHOUSE DANGLING ABOVE THE SPINNING METAL SPIKES OF THE ROCK CRUSHER. SHOCKED LISA LOOKS BELOW MILHOUSE'S FEET AND SEES A METAL PLATE THAT IS THE SAFETY COVER TO COVER THE SPIKES, BUT BETWEEN THE COVER AND THE SPINNING SPIKES, HER SAXOPHONE RESTS.

LISA:
Oh my god!

LISA TRIES TO RETRIEVE THE SAXOPHONE, WHEN SHE TRIES TO PULL THE SAX BACK, A ROPE ATTACHED TO IT IS TIED TO BLADE THAT'S HOLDING MILHOUE'S WRISTS IN PLACE STARTS PRESSING AGAINST THE ROPE.

MILHOUSE:
Lisa, whatever you did, don't do it again!

THE ROPE FRAYS, REVEALING WELTS AROUND HIS WRIST.

LISA:
Oh, what am I going to do!? If I help Milhouse, my saxophone will be lost forever, but I can't let him die, even if he is a dork....

CUT TO LISA SHE'S LOOKING UP AT MILHOUSE AND THEN AT HER SAX, THEN SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH....

CUT TO LISA AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE QUARRY. SHE'S HOLDING ONTO HER SAXOPHONE AND WHEN THE LIGHT OF THE SUNSET HITS IT, SHE NOTICES A SPLOTCH OF BLOOD NEAR THE BOTTOM THEN WIPES IT OFF ON HER DRESS.

LISA: (hugging the sax, giggling)
There, just like new. I don't know what I would've done without you in my life.

AS LISA LEAVES THE QUARRY, THE TV SHE KNOCKED OVER IS UPRIGHT AGAIN WITH A NOTE THAT READS: "FINAL VIDEO." LISA TURNS IT ON.

JIGSAW:
Hello, Lisa. Just as I surmised, you are content holding onto your saxophone and letting Milhouse die in the quarry--

LISA LOOKS NERVOUSLY AROUND.

JIGSAW:
--so, it is time to say that my games have reached an end and your life will become much more interesting as we grow closer. So, let me leave you with a final parting gift. Lisa, there's an old saying---the brighter the picture, the darker the negative.

JIGSAW BEGINS TO REMOVE THE MASK.

CUT TO LISA. WE SEE HER REACTION AS SHE STEPS BACK IN HORROR AND TURNS TO RUN, DROPPING THE SAXOPHONE AND AS SHE FINISHES CROSSING THE BRIDGE, TWO SQUAD CARS ARRIVE AND LOU AND EDDIE GRAB LISA AND HANDCUFF HER.

LISA: (crying)
No! You've got the wrong person, this can't be happening! I didn't do anything!

CUT TO THE TV SCREEN AS IT IS LISA HOLDING THE JIGSAW MASK.

TV LISA:
It's okay, Lisa, I've been here all along, you knew it was only a matter of time before you couldn't suppress me anymore.

CUT TO LISA INSIDE THE SQUAD CAR, CRYING AND HITTING THE INSIDE OF THE COP CAR WINDOWS.

TV LISA: (voice over)
With Nelson, Kearny and Milhouse out of the picture, there will be no one to get between us, Leese.

AS 'TV LISA' LAUGHS, THE TAPE BEGINS TO BE EATEN BY THE VCR, THE PICTURE TWITCHES AND THE SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK.

THE END.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

[Patches O'houlihan]

OPENING SCENE -- BART IS ALONE IN THE MORGUE ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.

BART:
"ahem"...Since my father and sister decided to play a prank on me, I've decided to get even--*I* was the one who got Homer's spinoff canceled! How? Let's just say I have a lot more power at Fox than Homer will ever have! (laughs evily) Now, it's time for the pilot episode, of MY spinoff...heh, heh, heh...

THE TITLE "Morgue and Mindy" HAS A LINE THROUGH IT AND WE SEE THE TITLE OF THE NEXT SHORT IN FLAMING LETTERS WHICH READS: "King of the Hell".

THE FAMILY IS SEATED ON THE COUCH AND EVERYONE, BESIDES LISA, IS ENJOYING SOME FRIED CHICKEN WHILE WATCHING TV.

CUT TO TV SCREEN WHERE A SLUTTY, `20YR OLD IS DRESSED IN A PINK HALTER TOP AND "GREEN DAISY DUKES" STYLE SHORTS.

VIKI:
Mom, I've only been with four guys and I'm not even a junior yet in high school! I'm practically a virgin!

MOM:
Viki, never underestimate the power of positive thinking! And besides, prom is coming up, so don't forget those boxes of condoms. I'm far too young to be a grandma because it would ruin my mystique on the runway at Pop's Tops.

BOTH MOTHER AND DAUGHTER LET OUT SCHAMATZY LAUGHS.

VIKI:
Aww, thanks mom, there's no limit to what a girl can do when she has great self-esteem!

TV ANNOUNCER:
And that's what's coming up next in Fox's after school special about being accepted, Family Girl.

CUT TO HOMER.

HOMER:
Wow, isn't this the show that Reverand Lovejoy told us to boycott? I mean what's so bad about it? It's funny, it's relevent--

MARGE:
Homer, you thought the song "Ebony and Ivory" should've been the theme song for the 2008 election, but nobody likes that song!

BART:
Aww come on, this show isnt that bad, mom, it's got a sense of mystery as we don't know which one of Viki's mom's six boyfriends is her real father.

HOMER LAUGHS BUT THEN SUDDENLY, HE'S CHOKING AND MARGE IS HITTING HIM IN THE BACK WHEN HOMER FALLS OVER AND MAKES A HORRIBLE GAGGING NOISE.

CUT TO A RAINY DAY AT SPRINGFIELD'S CEMETARY.

REV LOVEJOY:
...And that was the life and times of one Homer J Simpson. And I'd like to also add that since Homer's passing, the local food shelf now has a chance to supply the rest of the needy people in Springfield with groceries.

MARGE: (crying)
Goodbye, Homie.

CUT TO PATTIE.

PATTIE:
I'd like to say, I'm sorry Marge, but as God closes one door, another one opens and for this sad--but GLORIOUS--day--

MARGE:
Pattie! How could you! I just lost my husband and you can--Where's selma?

PATTIE:
She's at home crying because Ricard Dean Anderson's character gets killed on Stargate SG1. I know it's a TV show, but to us, Mr. Anderson's character was more real to us than your marrige to homer.

MARGE:
That's it, you two can both GO TO HELL!

CUT TO HELL AS HOMER'S LOOKING IN A POOL OF WATER AT MARGE YELLING AT PATTIE.

HOMER:
Heh, heh...wait to tell that hag off, Marge!

THE GIANT, NON-FLANDERS DEVIL WALKS UP TO HOMER.

DEVIL:
Homer Simpson, you've been here for a week and do you feel THE TORMENT yet?

HOMER:
Nah, it's not as bad as having to put up with the boy, there's free heat, and I can play all the rigged card games I want. Not to mention the 145 women you call 'wives' aren't too shabby....although their claws kind of hurt my--

DEVIL:
Silence! It appears my worst isn't working on you.

HOMER:
No, but to honest, you suck at your job. Hell, no pun intended, I can even do a better job than you.

DEVIL:
Really.

HOMER:
Yes, really, in fact, I'll make a deal with you...If I can do your job on earth better than you, you have to bring me to life as I was, not a flesh eating zombie.

DEVIL:
And if I win?

HOMER:
Eh, use your imagination.

DEVIL:
Okay, but you should know that if you make a deal with the devil--

HOMER: (bored)
Hey, moron, I'm dead and in hell, what more can you do?

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM. BART'S WATCHING AN ITCHY AND SCRATCHY EPISODE ENTITLED: "The Stem of all Fears". ITCHY IS BEING CHASED BY SCRATCHY AND ITCHY DUCKS UNDER A TABLE, SCRATCHY JUMPS ON THE TABLE AND SCRATCHY RUNS OUT THE ROOM, LOCKING SCRATCHY IN. ON THE ROOM DOOR, A SIGN READS "age regression device" AND BEAM HITS SCRATCHY AND HE TURNS INTO KITTEN AND THEN DISAPPEARS. SCRATCHY WALKS IN AND TAKES A THE TINY SAMPLE LEFT OVER FROM SCRATCHY AND SELLS IT TO A LAB, THE LAB USES IT TO CURE ANOTHER CAT THAT LOOKS LIKE SCRATCHY AND THEN ITCHY SHOOTS THE CAT AS IT EXITS.

CUT TO BART LAUGHING AND THEN A RED MUSHROOM CLOUD APPEARS IN FRONT OF HIM, REVEALING HOMER WITH A PITCHFORK AND GOAT LEGS.

HOMER:
Hey, boy, I've come back.

BART: (bored)
Great, could you move out of the way, Homer, you're blocking the TV.

HOMER:
Aren't you glad to see me, son?

LISA AND MARGE, with MAGGIE, ENTER.

LISA:
Oh my god, dad, you're the devil!?

HOMER:
Just for a couple of days. Me and him made a bet to see who could ruin mankind the most.

LISA:
Well, you did work at a nuclear power plant.

HOMER:
That was just a warm up and with Halloween just one day away, I'll be sure to do some damage.

MARGE RUNS OVER TO GIVE HOMER A HUG, BUT WHEN SHE TOUCHES HIM, SHE GETS BURNED.

MARGE:
Wow, Homer, you're hot.

HOMER:
Thanks, honey.

MARGE:
Yeah, uh, in some ways, but I'm not sure how we can have a fullfilling relationship if you are satan. I'd hate to have to bring this up in a marrige counciling session....

HOMER:
Well, Marge, I'd love to stay and show you how much of a demon I can be, but I've a lot of work to do!

CUE SONG: "Big Time" by Peter Garbrial starts playing.

CUT TO HOMER HAS HE STANDS ON A STREETCORNER AND WAVES HIS PITCHFORK LIKE A MAGIC WAND. SUDDENLY THE CROWDS OF PEOPLE AROUND HIM START RIOTING AND STOREFRONTS ARE BROKEN INTO AND CARS START CRASHING WHILE WOMEN AND CHILDREN RUN FOR COVER. HOMER HAS A SMUG LOOK OF CONFIDENCE ON HIS FACE BUT THEN LOOKS UP TO SEE A BANNER ACROSS THE STREET WHICH READS: "Springfield's 23rd Annual Riot Day."

HOMER:
Doh!

CUT TO HOMER AS HE MAKES HIS 'MUSHROOM CLOUD' ENTRANCE AT THE CHURCH AS LOVEJOY AND FLANDERS ARE CLEANING UP. NED SUDDENLY GETS ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYS WHILE LOVEJOY ROLLS HIS EYES AT HOMER.

LOVEJOY:
Ned, I told you something was odd about Homer!

NED TAKES A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVE IT TO HIM.

CUT TO HOMER AS HE SITS IN THE THIRD PLACE CHAIR AT A HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST (next to GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE WHO'S DRESSED UP AS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS) WITH HIS GOAT'S LEGS CROSSED AND POINTY TAIL SCRATCHING HIS HEAD AS HE STARES AT MARTIN PRINCE, WHO HAS JUST WON FIRST PRIZE FOR BEING DRESSED UP AS A DEVIL. MARTIN HAPPILY WAVES AROUND HIS CHECK FOR 200 DOLLARS. ANGRY, HOMER POINTS THE WAND AT MARTIN AND HE GOES UP IN FLAMES AND A TURNS TO A SMALL PILE OF ASHES.

END COLLAGE OF SCENES AND MUSIC.

CUT TO BART AS HE'S WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK AS JIMBO, DOLPH AND KEARNY THREATENING APPROACH.

KEARNY:
Hey, loser.

BART:
'sigh' What? Are you gonna 'wail' on me again, or make stupid threat? Yo, dad!

HOMER APPEARS.

HOMER:
What's wrong son?

BART:
These are the guys who have been bothering me. Care to show'em who's boss?

HOMER:
Well, the devil isn't allowed to truly love someone, but you're my son, but violence against other's who are half your size is--

BART LET'S OUT A SIGH AND GRABS HOMER'S PITCHFORK AND POINTS IT AT THE BULLIES. A BOLT OF LIGHTING HITS THEM AND THEY'RE TURNED TO COCKROACHES.

BART:
Heh, heh....

CUT TO AN EXTREME LOW ANGLE VIEW AS THE BULLY-ROACHES SEE BART'S FOOT COMING DOWN ON THEM AND THEY LET OUT A TINY, SQEAKY 'OH NO!' FOLLOWED BY A WET CRUNCH.

HOMER:
Woah. You didn't even burn your hands on that pitchfork. Maybe this is one of those 'Excalibre' type of things and that trick on the bullies, fantastic.

BART:
Aww, thanks, dad.

HOMER:
You know, being that devil has made realize that I can't do any worse to the world than it already it. It needs someone who can really cause the chaos, namely you, son.

BART:
Really?

HOMER:
Yeah, and if you get the job, I won't have to worry about buying you a car when you're 16.

CUT TO HELL AS HOMER AND BART BOTH APPEAR. SATAN WALKS UP TO THEM AND BART LETS OUT A 'GULP' OF FEAR.

BART: (scared)
Huh, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Devil, sir. I have both your CDs.

DEVIL:
Huh? Anyway, Homer have you given up yet?

HOMER:
I've decided to change the rules. I have found one much more worthy to hand this pitchfork over to and he will do a much better job than either of us can over do.

DEVIL:
Well, I've had my eye on Bart, but his soul--

HOMER:
C'mon, C'mon, I want to get back to Marge, tonight she makes that wonderful tuna loaf.

DEVIL:
But you can't go back, Homer, you sold me your soul--

HOMER:
...for that stupid fried chicken I choked on. I take it you don't really trade favors for souls all that much, do you?

DEVIL: (shy, embarassed)
No, not really, it's more a tease and an urban legend.

HOMER:
So, do we have a deal?

DEVIL:
Fine, fine. So, Bart, are you ready to get hardcore evil?

BART:
Pfft, nobody who's really cool uses the word "hardcore" anymore. And if you really want to be noticed, stop being subtle with the "convincing the world you don't exist" crap. Everything's so obvious these days.

HOMER:
So, uh Bart, or Satan, can I go back home now?

DEVIL
Fine, I was getting tired of your whining anyway and to make sure Bart won't have any one to superceed him, I'm making sure you're 100 percent sterile.

HOMER:
Thank you!

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOME AS MARGE IS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN WITH LISA AND MAGGIE WHEN THE DEFAULT HOMER APPEARS.

LISA:
Dad!

MARGE:
Homie, you're okay!

HOMER:
Well, I got out of the deal with the devil and because of my wheeling dealing, I can say Homer Simpson is nobody's bitch!

HOMER PICKS UP MARGE.

HOMER:
And now, for something I've been DEAD set on doing!

CUT TO THE OUTSIDE VIEW OF THE SIMPSONS HOUSE. WE HEAR MARGE LAND ON THE BED VIA THE BED SPRINGS.

MARGE:
Woah, okay you sexy beast lets....uh, Homer where's your um...thingie?

HOMER:
What are you talking about Mar--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

CUT TO BLACK.

BART WALKS OUT ONTO THE BLACK SCREEN AND FACES THE AUDIENCE.

BART:
...And if you want to sell your souls, remember to use Craig's List! I'm always in the mood for a bargin!

BART SLOWLY FADES OUT WHILE SNISTERLY LAUGHING.

FIN.

[TheOttoThe]

I rather liked this, beat anything the simpsons made in the past few years. Perhaps I shall make my own halloween special.

[Prune Tracy]

Seriously, how have you not been picked up as a writer yet?

[Patches O'houlihan]

You have to become a member of the writers guild of america to be a writer for a TV show and I really don't have any desire to move to Los Angeles. Also, with the current state of the Simpsons, how would I know if my script wouldn't be rewritten by the staff 80 percent and come out looking like every other episode?

[Prune Tracy]

You have to become a member of the writers guild of america to be a writer for a TV show and I really don't have any desire to move to Los Angeles. Also, with the current state of the Simpsons, how would I know if my script wouldn't be rewritten by the staff 80 percent and come out looking like every other episode?

Well, I'm not an expert on the business aspect of it. :P Maybe you should just rewrite Season 23 for the NHC, it'd be 10 times better than the one I've seen.

Editb4 10 x 0 = 0

[Patches O'houlihan]

Well, I'll keep it short:

SEASON 23 INTRO would have a banner that reads: "SHOW CANCELLED!"

The End.

[Patches O'houlihan]

I did one other THoH short, also in 2009 called "Suck" which is my parody of Twilight.

You can read it here.

[bradbradford]

The Morgue and Mindy joke was cringe-worthy....

Hahaha but I liked some of the other stuff in the opening. I will read the whole thing eventually and get back to you good sir.