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okay guys here is the final part of the episode Enjoy
MARGE: Maggie Watch your Language
MAGGIE: But I didn’t swear Mommy Honest
MARGE: Oh you didn't, Sorry Maggie
MAGGIE: Its Okay
MARGE: Now I think its time for Bath and Bed Young Lady
BART: That sucks Maggie
MAGGIE: I know Bart but I look on the bright Side at least I get to play with Mr Ducky
BART: Right your Duck
MAGGIE: Yes Bart he is my Bath time Friend
MARGE: Bart you have to leave now because I have to get Maggie ready for her bath
BART: Okay I understand
Bart leaves the room
MAGGIE: Mommy! Why does Bart have to leave because I have to take a bathy
MARGE: Because he's a boy and your a girl and i'll explain more when your in your teen years
MARGE: Lets get you ready for your bath
INT, THE SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM
Homer is sitting on the couch watching Law & Order
HOMER: Go get those bad guys
Then Bart enters the room
BART: Dad! Maggie is taking a bath so can I watch TV With you
HOMER: Sure Boy, Sit next to your old man
They both watch Law & Order
BART: What else is on
Bart changes the channel to MTV
BART: This is more like it
Pan to the TV
On the screen Beavis & Butt-Head are trying to make pudding
BUTT-HEAD: Hey Beavis, Hand me that huh thing to stir things
Beavis Picks up the mixer but he accidentally turns it on
BRAVIS: How do you stop this Crazy Thing
Butt-Head laughs at Beavis
Pan back to Bart and Homer
Bart and Homer are laughing at Beavis & Butt-Head
HOMER: They are stupid
BART: Yeah Man, they are
Then Maggie enters the room wearing only her Pink Bathrobe she stands at the side of the couch looking at Bart and Homer
MAGGIE: What are you guys talking about
BART: Mags! We just saw Beavis & Butt-Head
MAGGIE: I'm Sorry Bart but I don't know who they are
BART: A Cartoon about two Teenage Boys who do stupid things
MAGGIE: Sounds a lot like Daddy
HOMER: (Annoyed Grunt), Maggie Daddy thinks that was very hurtful and Daddy will forgive Maggie if you say your Sorry to him
BART: Don't do it Maggie
Maggie thinks about what Bart and Homer said, She decides to do the right thing
HOMER: Yes Sweetie!
MAGGIE: I'm sorry I said those hurtful things to you
HOMER: Its Okay Sweetie
Marge enters the room
MARGE: Maggie why aren't you wearing your Pyjamas
MAGGIE: I was going to but then I thought it was best to see what Daddy was doing
MARGE: I know something else you can do, go to your bedroom and put on your Pyjamas
MAGGIE: What A Crock
Maggie goes to her bedroom complaining all the way
HOMER: Marge I know what your thinking and it wasn't my fault this time
BART: Nor was it mine
INT, MAGGIE'S BEDROOM
Maggie is now wearing her Pink Pyjamas, she is sitting on the edge of her bed holding a storybook
Then Lisa enters the room
MAGGIE: Lisa will you read me a story please
LISA: Of course I will but first you have to get into bed
Maggie gets into bed
Lisa reads a story to Maggie, she reads her the three little Pigs
MAGGIE: Funny that the wolf didn't blow the house number three down (Laughs)
LISA: Now you go to Sleep Maggie and i'll see you in the Morning
MAGGIE: Goodnight Lisa
LISA: Goodnight Maggie
Lisa turns on Maggie's Night-light and turns out the main bedroom light and closes Maggie's Door
Pan to a Shot of The Simpson's House in the Dark
Fade to Black
Fade to Credits
Right then - not bad set-up there, summer-themed episodes are quality. Work does need done to it though - Your conflicts are based too heavily in mild insult/generic apology. Maybe try different types of conflict, such as family members having difficulty with characters other than those they see in everyday life (such as, for example, someone in a shop). Also, I can't really see Homer playing volleyball etc. And perhaps work on making the dialogue flow better, and let the characters engage in conversation a little more.
There were several good jokes in here though, and Bart and Homer on the sofa, Maggie's house number three line, the discussion following Homer strangling Bart, and Homer on the high-dive were all great. You've improved a lot, and a lot of this script is okay, but the dialogue in particular needs improving. At times you have quite a surreal humour which is good, but you really should stop the nudity stuff because it can make a nice set-up very awkward. You're doing some good stuff at times though so just keep working at it.
Last edited by Company Picnic; 07-30-2011 at 06:09 PM.
Keep the faith
Well you're getting better, I can tell you that. The plot does seem to be interesting and it plays off well enough but I feel like this revised version isn't revised enough to feel like the previous script. It does contain a lot of signs of surreal humor and attempted genius but the heavy faults is the dialog, the way the characters act and the way plot progresses.
For one, it feels like most of these conflicts aren't really fleshed out at all, it's just goes like this.
A: I'm sorry I did a really bad thing and for that I apologize.
B: That's okay and I accept your apology.
A: Yay! Everything is okay now.
I wish it would work like that in real life, just apologize like that and all is forgiven. Anyways, there are a lot of conflicts like this and there are little attempts at fleshing out beyond what I just typed out above, I mean there are so many times Maggie can apologize and the guy can accept the apology. These people are characters too, they have fights, they somethings don't accept their apologies and they also tend to disagree. You might want to analyze human behavior a bit more, just so you can improve the believably factor a huge lot.
There are also the usual grammar errors and it's still a big issue; if you ever want to be a professional then you've gotta improve the grammar and improve the structure of the sentences. A little side note here; you seem to use too many fade outs for your transitions; kinda makes it feel like it's a cheap direct to TV movie to be honest and it doesn't seem to fit the TV show well. It's not an important factor but I would like less of these fade ins and fade outs.
You're getting there with the characters but they still feel like somewhat of a mess. Everytime I read Bart and Lisa I read them as the kids they were and not the older people they are (since this does take place in the future), additionally, I didn't feel for Marge; she just seemed to be more generic then usual, like her only purpose was to tell Homer, Bart or Maggie when they did something wrong. These characters do need to be fleshed out and given more screen time. I mean you can do anything you can put your mind to in a script. Which brings me to my last point.
The character of Maggie to me comes across as a shell for your feelings, your desires and well, basically what's on your mind. I can tell from reading the scripts that Simpsonsfan wants to live in a world where everything around him goes in a good way, he gets the ice cream he wants, he gets the life he never had and who can blame him; he's living in undesirable living conditions. I can also tell that Simpsonsfan is also Autistic due to the stuff I said above. It's understandable to use these scripts as a way to let out how you feel but when you put it up on the internet for everybody to see then it's a different story. I'm sorry if I did something wrong by bringing this up but this is how it came across for me (due to the stuff he said before and previous scripts.) Also please, please get rid of the nudity aspect of Maggie; it just does nothing for her character, leads to awkward scenes and it seems to be harming your scripts rather then helping.
So yeah... You're improving, you're getting there; if you keep taking our advice and improving your craft then hopefully you'll become a good Simpsons script writer in no time.
there was no nudity in this script, i have looked at it page by page and no nudity is in there even if there was it would be highly cencered.
okay guys the next Episode from Season 6 is Maggie Gets a bird
Sitting in the padllin' pool, that's a paddlin'!
Originally Posted by Simpsonfan
this is an old episode was aired last summer
disco fuck yourself
I don't want to watch no rerun!
Originally Posted by Teddy
I Always Want To Be Eaten
then don't come in the thread?
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