OPENING SCENE: LISA IS SEATED IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH A BLANKET DRAPED OVER HER. ON THE SCREEN, A COMMERCIAL WITH 2 GIRLS LISA'S AGE ARE PLAYING WITH DOLLS.
Girls, are you tired of dolls that give you unrealistic standards of what beauty looks like?
GIRL 1: (holding up doll with a gooey, clay head)
My mom says my Boie Botox doll hurts her self esteem.
GIRL 2: (holding up doll with whore-ish make up)
My mom says this one leaves funny powder stains on the carpet!
Well, kids, we at Good'Ole Playthings have a doll that's properly proportioned to the average adult female anatomy AND it doesn't look like it should be turning tricks near the bus stop--It's called the Little Miss Adequate.
CUT TO LISA AS SHE LET'S OUT A HAPPY 'GASP!'.
Yes, the Little Miss Adequate will teach your daughters it's okay to be happy with what mother nature gave you, whether you wanted it, or not!
MARGE TIREDLY ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.
Lisa, I know your excited about your upcoming 9th Birthday next weekend, but it's 5:30 in the morning. You should really go back to bed for a few more 'yawn' hours.
I know, mom, but I had to watch the latest batch of Saturday Morning Commercials before Congress limits the commercial airtime devoted to toys to 4 hours a day. (Lisa hands Marge a sheet of paper) These are the toys that would make a 'special' little girl very happy!
MAGGIE WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND POINTS TO HERSELF.
Maggie, uh, I actually meant me.
MAGGIE SHOOTS A SNEER AT LISA AND TURNS AND WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.
CUT TO MS. HOOVER'S CLASS.
Welcome back from another 'hum-drum' weekend, students. I hope you had a much better weekend than I.
RALPH: (raises hand)
Did you find true love?
No, I found out how much I'm upside down on my house. Anyway, class, as you know it's the Iowa skills test this week and I need you to be on your academic best so the school can continue to receive funding for essentials like, books, water fountains, and electricity. Lisa, since I know you are going to raise your hand to volunteer, I need you to hand out the test booklets and answer sheets.
CUT TO LISA AS SHE IS FILLING IN THE LAST CIRCLE ON THE TEST.
LISA: (puts the test down on Hoover's desk)
First as usual!
Fine, whatever. Just sit quietly and...
LISA TURNS AROUND TO SIT AND SEES RALPH, WHO SITS TO THE RIGHT OF LISA, GIGGLING WITH A TINY BIT OF DROOL ON HIS LIPS. THEN SHE NOTICES JANEY, WHO SITS TO THE LEFT OF LISA, GIGGLING WITH A BIT OF DROOL ON HER LIPS.
Hmm...Ralph seems normal, but did this test crack Janey's brain?
...pass the time away on your phone, or draw cartoon rabbits.
CUT TO THE SIMPSONS DINNER TABLE.
So, kids, how were your days?
I got another hour of detention, again, but on the plus side, a new hot little number really likes me...or she just likes me because I let her use my eraser.
Well, I completed the first part of the Iowa test and that gave me time to concentrate on what toy I want for my birthday on Saturday.