THoH Short: "The Brain Drain"

[The Governor]

OPENING SCENE: LISA IS SEATED IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH A BLANKET DRAPED OVER HER. ON THE SCREEN, A COMMERCIAL WITH 2 GIRLS LISA'S AGE ARE PLAYING WITH DOLLS.

TV:
Girls, are you tired of dolls that give you unrealistic standards of what beauty looks like?

GIRL 1: (holding up doll with a gooey, clay head)
My mom says my Boie Botox doll hurts her self esteem.

GIRL 2: (holding up doll with whore-ish make up)
My mom says this one leaves funny powder stains on the carpet!

TV:
Well, kids, we at Good'Ole Playthings have a doll that's properly proportioned to the average adult female anatomy AND it doesn't look like it should be turning tricks near the bus stop--It's called the Little Miss Adequate.

CUT TO LISA AS SHE LET'S OUT A HAPPY 'GASP!'.

TV:
Yes, the Little Miss Adequate will teach your daughters it's okay to be happy with what mother nature gave you, whether you wanted it, or not!

MARGE TIREDLY ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM.

MARGE:
Lisa, I know your excited about your upcoming 9th Birthday next weekend, but it's 5:30 in the morning. You should really go back to bed for a few more 'yawn' hours.

LISA:
I know, mom, but I had to watch the latest batch of Saturday Morning Commercials before Congress limits the commercial airtime devoted to toys to 4 hours a day. (Lisa hands Marge a sheet of paper) These are the toys that would make a 'special' little girl very happy!

MAGGIE WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND POINTS TO HERSELF.

LISA:
Maggie, uh, I actually meant me.

MAGGIE SHOOTS A SNEER AT LISA AND TURNS AND WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

CUT TO MS. HOOVER'S CLASS.

MS. HOOVER:
Welcome back from another 'hum-drum' weekend, students. I hope you had a much better weekend than I.

RALPH: (raises hand)
Did you find true love?

MS. HOOVER:
No, I found out how much I'm upside down on my house. Anyway, class, as you know it's the Iowa skills test this week and I need you to be on your academic best so the school can continue to receive funding for essentials like, books, water fountains, and electricity. Lisa, since I know you are going to raise your hand to volunteer, I need you to hand out the test booklets and answer sheets.

CUT TO LISA AS SHE IS FILLING IN THE LAST CIRCLE ON THE TEST.

LISA: (puts the test down on Hoover's desk)
First as usual!

HOOVER:
Fine, whatever. Just sit quietly and...

LISA TURNS AROUND TO SIT AND SEES RALPH, WHO SITS TO THE RIGHT OF LISA, GIGGLING WITH A TINY BIT OF DROOL ON HIS LIPS. THEN SHE NOTICES JANEY, WHO SITS TO THE LEFT OF LISA, GIGGLING WITH A BIT OF DROOL ON HER LIPS.

LISA: (thinking)
Hmm...Ralph seems normal, but did this test crack Janey's brain?

MS. HOOVER:
...pass the time away on your phone, or draw cartoon rabbits.

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS DINNER TABLE.

MARGE:
So, kids, how were your days?

BART:
I got another hour of detention, again, but on the plus side, a new hot little number really likes me...or she just likes me because I let her use my eraser.

LISA:
Well, I completed the first part of the Iowa test and that gave me time to concentrate on what toy I want for my birthday on Saturday.

tbc

[leprechaun_dan]

Good script XD

[Gatorgod]

..draw cartoon rabbits?

[Ray Jay Jonah]

Great

[The Governor]

LISA:
Well, I completed the first part of the Iowa test and that gave me time to concentrate on what toy I want for my birthday on Saturday.

LISA LOOKS DOWN AT HER PLATE AND LETS OUT A HAPPY 'SIGH' AND THEN SHE SUDDENLY LOOKS UP WHEN EVERYTHING GOES QUIET.

LISA:
Mom?

MARGE IS STARING AT HER FORK IN AWE.

MARGE: (mentally challenged)
'giggle' Oohhh shiny, shiny...f-fork! (Marge moves the twines-end of the fork towards her eyes) What's this end for?

LISA:
Mom, no!

LISA JUMPS TOWARDS MARGE AND KNOCKS THE FORK OUT OF HER HAND.

MARGE:
Wow...it falls on floor!

ACROSS THE TABLE HOMER IS STARING AT HIS LAP WHILE BART HAS IS TRYING TO TAKE A SIP FROM HIS GLASS BUT MISSES HIS MOUTH AND POURS THE MILK DOWN HIS SHIRT.

LISA:
Mom!? Bart? Dad!? What's going on!?

HOMER: (Lifts up his cellphone)
Quiet honey, daddy's texting Lenny! (pauses) Oh, stupid phone! I accidentally sent Lenny a picture I meant to send to Marge...and it was a kinky picture! (crying) I'll be the laughingstock at work!

LISA:
Dad! Something's wrong with Mom and Bart! We've got to do something!

HOMER:
Don't forget Maggie.

CUT TO MAGGIE AS SHE'S RAMMING HER PACIFIER INTO HER FOREHEAD WITH A FRUSTRATED LOOK ON HER FACE.

CUT TO DR. HIBBERT'S OFFICE. BART'S SITTING ON THE EXAMINATION TABLE AS DR. HIBBERT REMOVES THE TONGUE DEPRESSOR.

HIBBERT:
Well, Mr. Simpson, I can't find anything physically wrong with Bart and the nurse should be back with the test results on your wife any moment.

HOMER:
'phew' That's good, because the plant just cancelled my health insurance.

MARGE AND THE NURSE ENTER AND SHE HANDS HIBBERT THE PAPERWORK.

HIBBERT:
Well, Marge checks out, but may I ask--what on earth prompted you to want to stick a fork in your eye!?

MARGE:
I don't know--I just couldn't help it.

BART:
Well, mom. There's been a lot of time when I'm near Lisa and my mind goes blank and I end up hurting myself.

LISA:
That's because you had too much sugar and / or caffeine, Bart--

SUDDENLY MARGE LET'S OUT A SCREAM AND POINTS AT DR. HIBBERT AS HE TRIES TO SWALLOW A MOUTH FULL OF TONGUE DEPRESSORS AS THE NURSE RUNS TOWARDS AND JUMPS THROUGH THE GLASS WINDOW AS SHE SCREAMS: "I love birdies!".

MARGE:
Someone get another Doctor!

DR. NICK ENTERS.

NICK:
Hi, everybody! I was just walking by when I overheard--

MARGE:
Help Dr. Hibbert!

NICK PICKS UP HIBBERT AND GIVES HIM THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER AND HE SPITS THE DEPRESSORS ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

mtc

[Ray Jay Jonah]

Good!

[Jakro]

Solid stuff so far. Would be intested to see how it all turns out.

[Friz]

Man, if by the end of this a giant brain leaves for no raisin, I'm calling shenanigans.

[The Governor]

HIBBERT STEPS BACK FROM NICK AND LOOKS AT THE FLOOR, GIGGLING.

HIBBERT:
Man, that's the last time I try to eat all those puddin' pops at once!

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOUSE. HOMER AND A ANGST-FILLED LISA ARE SEATED TOGETHER ON THE COUCH.

HOMER:
Honey, I know you're a little worried about all the weirdness, but maybe a nice daddy-daughter night on the couch watching the good ole' boob tube is the cure! I know, I tee-vo'd this:

CUT TO THE SCREEN AND THE TITLE "The Tea Party Tips: How to make that Cross Burn Brighter!"

LISA QUICKLY TURNS OFF THE TV AND THROW THE REMOTE ACROSS THE ROOM AS IT HITS THE WALL AND BREAKS INTO A DOZEN PIECES.

HOMER:
Lisa! That's the third remote this month!

LISA:
Sorry, dad, but this idealogical step backward in America makes me want to, to---

MARGE WALKS BY STARING BLANKLY AS SHE CARRIES A LOAD OF LAUNDRY. STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD, SHE WALKS INTO THE RECORD PLAYER AND FALLS BACKWARDS SPILLING THE LAUNDRY ALL OVER HERSELF.

LISA:
Mom!

HOMER AND LISA RUN TO A DAZED MARGE.

MARGE:
Wh-what happended!?

THE DOORBELL RINGS. HOMER ANSWERS AND IT'S PROFESSOR FRINK WEARING THE SAME HEADGEAR AS DOC BROWN FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE AND HE'S ALSO CARRYING A PKE METER FROM GHOSTBUSTERS.

HOMER: (pointing down the street)
Uh, the nerd convention is five miles that way.

FRINK WALKS AROUND HOMER AND POINTS THE PKE METER AT LISA.

FRINK:
Hot science! I've found the source!

LISA:
Source? What 'source'?

FRINK:
Ms. Simpson, I first discovered your mental presence one week ago...

BEGIN FLASHBACK. FRINK IS SEATED AT HIS DESK AT THE SPRINGIFELD OBSERVATORY TURNING KNOBS AND SPEAKING INTO A MICROPHONE.

FRINK:
Attention aliens! This is Proffesor Frink in Springfield, USA! I behalf of myself, I invite you to come down to visit us! Unfortuently, I cannot guarantee our government will be as open and caring to any illegal aliens, n-ghey!

VOICEOVER FRINK:
There was no luck finding alien life, but my equipment picked up a signal I didn't think was possible--it was the same pattern as an alpha brain wave, but somehow amplified 10 million times the strength!

RETURN TO THE PRESENT.

LISA:
That's fine and dandy, but what does this have to do with me?

FRINK:
'sigh' Lisa, it's not easy for me to say this...but I tested this alpha brain wave...and what I've found is extremely disturbing, n-ghey! It appears you are the source of the brain wave, but it gets even stranger...

HOMER, MARGE AND LISA WORRIDLY LOOK AT FRINK.

FRINK:
Lisa, the brainwave you're emitting is like a fish net, except instead of delicious fish, it's absorbing the brain power of those around you and I'm guessing it is making your brain stronger while making those around you dumber and dumber...

RALPH WALKS UP TO FRINK.

RALPH:
Hi, Lisa. I like sitting next to you. I sometimes like to use my nose as an eraser!

FRINK:
Ralph, I told you wait for the right dramatic moment to make my point more resounding!

RALPH:
You make many good points, like all 9 of them on Lisa's head!

FRINK:
You see, Lisa, this is what months of close proximaty will do to a fragile, young, innocent mind...'sigh'...

BART ENTERS.

BART:
So, dear sister it looks like YOUR brain power isn't the result of hard work! Hmph! Now they can't say I'm the only cheater in this family!

LISA:
It's not cheating when you are unaware you have an unnatural advantage, Bart!

BART: (Mockingly)
Mom, Dad! Lisa's trying to use me to into Yale and she was the reason I nearly failed last quarter!

MARGE:
Professor Frink, this is awful...in a good way, but what'd you think could've caused this?

FRINK:
Well, I ruled out radiation because we're all exposed to it and, frankly, we'd all have super powers, but I would like to take Lisa back to my lab for further research, n-gey, and I want to make absolutely certain she poses no danger to the public.

tbc

[Ray Jay Jonah]

That was awesome.