Let's post some AMERICAN DAD! one-liners

**RembrandtQEinstein** · 12-07-2010, 09:51 AM

...because there are just so many. here, i'll start:

Stan <to Donald Sutherland>: "You lanky, Canadian, Kiefer-spawning bastard!"

**RembrandtQEinstein** · 12-07-2010, 12:24 PM

Francine: I've been a bad girl this year. Why don't you come and put a big lump of coal in my stocking?
Stan: Damn your clumsy Christmas-sex metaphors.

**NoOneFamous** · 12-07-2010, 01:38 PM

Steve: I'll do my best, dad!
Stan: I want you to better than your best, son. I want you to do fine.

**D4C** · 12-07-2010, 04:27 PM

...Wait a minute... How long have you been standing there?

This whole time.

...'kay... Now Steve I-

....

**Old painty-can Ned** · 12-07-2010, 04:37 PM

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
Stan Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

**Redem** · 12-07-2010, 07:19 PM

Francine: I'll do it.
Terry: What?
Francine: I'll carry your baby.
Greg: Really?
Francine: It makes perfect sense. I live right across the street and both pregnancies were a breeze for me. Doctor says I have a big spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again

**Postmaster** · 12-09-2010, 03:37 AM

Francine: Tonight was so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do, sis.
What? I've never called you "sis" before?
You're right. It is oddly clunky and expositional. I mean, I know you're my sister, so who am I saying it for? Weird. Anyway, it wasn't just the restaurant or the Parade of Homes, it's just... everything. I mean, I love Stan, but... I don't know. I guess I just always pictured myself with somebody who was, well, a "somebody." So what's going on with you, sis? Are you enjoying being three years younger than me?

Stan: You should've heard Francine on the phone. She thinks she married a nobody.
I appreciate you saying that, bro.
I've called you "bro" before. That's what we are, we're half brothers.
Well, I don't care how they say it in New Glarus, Wisconsin, where you live on a lake and have nothing in common with me.
Well, then, maybe we should just stay estranged until you can find a dramatic enough reason to show up on my doorstep unannounced!

Stan, I gave up on all that years ago. I have a new dream now. You want to know what it is? You really want to know? My dream is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, limo-riding bastard! He's not even an actor. He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up, squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with me, and then I'd break his heart... And watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!S
Stan: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest, most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. *cut to them on the plane* And we're totally gonna make it happen

**Flimpson Tide** · 12-12-2010, 03:08 PM

Street Racer: Where's my money?
Stan: If you're smart, in U.S. savings bonds.

**Paul** · 12-14-2010, 06:56 PM

Francine: Oh god, he's looking at me. Say something.
(Francine claps)
Francine: That wasn't saying something, that was doing something! ... CLAPPING! ... Attagirl.

**Flimpson Tide** · 12-23-2010, 08:19 PM

"I am a shepherd...
All right! Let's go screw some sheep!"

**Kayla** · 12-28-2010, 01:50 AM

steve: bye mom, i'm going to the mall to try and figure out how the piano store stays in business.
roger: hold up steve, i'm going with!
francine: woah roger, you know you can't leave the house.
roger: everyone else gets to.
francine: well everyone else isn't an alien, now are they??!!
roger: woah! somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning!

steve: seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger: i can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!
klaus: i wish he'd get sick like E.T.

**Little Nellie Kelly** · 12-30-2010, 08:08 PM

I'm not sure if I'm exactly right, but I think it goes something like this -

"Where did they go? The black people that just did this?" - Roger

**Flimpson Tide** · 01-01-2011, 03:59 PM

"I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!" - Steve

**Charlie** · 01-10-2011, 07:09 AM

[Roger in masquerade costume]
Francine: It doesn't matter how you treat people when you can blame it on Professor Edelstein or AT&T operator Chalanda Dykes. Speaking of which, that credit for my friends and family plan still hasn't shown up on my bill.
[Roger in call centre costume]
Roger: That credit was generated after your last statement, it will show up on your next bill.
Francine: Oh ok, thank you.
Roger: Thank *you* for choosing AT&T.

**Tomacco** · 01-11-2011, 09:44 AM

"I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso til I catch me a man!"

**Flimpson Tide** · 01-16-2011, 06:37 AM

"Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty."

**Safe as Milk** · 01-16-2011, 05:16 PM

Woman: "Stan, this is my daughter, Mary."
Mary: "Oh, a baby, I love babies! Jesus was a baby!"
Stan: "Yes he was, and he was also a murder victim."

**Redem** · 01-19-2011, 09:03 AM

*conselor speaking to a bunch of anorexic girls*

conselor : They are healthier way to get back at daddy, like marrying a black guy

**Safe as Milk** · 01-21-2011, 04:55 PM

time to KICK IT

**Flimpson Tide** · 01-21-2011, 08:15 PM

"Wow, porn! This is the best Black History Month ever!"

**Sniper Squirrel** · 01-22-2011, 09:30 PM

"Yurhujva, she moved back to Croatia with the rest of the Jina family"

**Flimpson Tide** · 01-27-2011, 03:01 PM

"Lavate las manos!"

Roger convincing Steve that a worn down crack house is Hogwarts is one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television.

**rocio** · 01-29-2011, 01:35 PM

Roger: I was having fun, but I saw you and my fun went soft.

that's probably my favourite line ever

**Jakebert** · 01-30-2011, 09:48 AM

"I got you some Sun Chips. They're better for you than regula...oh, no they're not."

**Christopher the Chef** · 01-31-2011, 11:29 PM

Originally Posted by Sniper Squirrel

"Yurhujva, she moved back to Croatia with the rest of the Jina family"

From what episode is this from?

Who is Yurhujva? It doens't sound croatian at all.

**Safe as Milk** · 01-31-2011, 11:37 PM

Stan (while stoned): Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? WAIT.....It's a CHEETAH. Chee-taaaaahhh...Chee-tooos...There is so much beauty in this world.

**Flimpson Tide** · 02-02-2011, 07:29 PM

"Never cry over a whore, Steve. Never. (sobs) Mama..."

**NoOneFamous** · 02-04-2011, 08:56 AM

Roger: The bomb is disarmed! *everyone cheers* .... thats what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb!

and then...

Roger: The arm is disbombed! ... dammit.

**Safe as Milk** · 02-07-2011, 12:52 AM

Sharri: You know what I wonder? Why I didn't listen to my mother. "Don't marry a mountain man magician." That's what she said.
Buckle: I joined a synagogue for you! Just do the trick!
Sharri: You wanna do a trick? Here's a trick: Put a baby in me!

**Flimpson Tide** · 02-16-2011, 07:47 PM

Stan: I spy, with my little eye, something big.
Steve: Is it the desert?
Stan: YES!!! ...You were right, that wasn't fun.

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Let's post some AMERICAN DAD! one-liners