"Ten Little Isotopes" - A murder mystery

[Jims]

• Fanscript #3. Here's #1 and #2, if you're interested.
• Treehouse of Horror episode.
• Non-canon.
• Parody/homage of the novel And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie.
• Lots of deaths. Lots and lots and lots.
• No spoilers from that book, although a bunch of elements are borrowed.
• Completely different solution than that book, however. Why do a mystery if the solution has already been written for you?

This should start sometime next week; I'm almost done with the plotting. For now, here are some notes that I found scribbled on some scraps of paper.

A Nursery Rhyme

Ten little isotopes swimming in some brine,
one dissolved completely and then there were nine.

Nine little isotopes gaining too much weight,
one went back for seconds and then there were eight.

Eight little isotopes floating up to Heaven,
one split his halo open and then there were seven.

Seven little isotopes doing magic tricks,
one permanently disappeared and then there were six.

Six little isotopes learning how to drive,
one's tore his seatbelt and then there were five.

Five little isotopes digging for some ore,
one dug to China and then there were four.

Four little isotopoes singing songs with glee,
one hit a sour note and then there were three.

Three little isotopes chasing a kangaroo,
the kangaroo punched one, and then there were two.

Two little isotopes sneakily on the run,
one got caught by cops, and then there was one.

One little isotope swimming in the sun,
he got hung up in the heavy current, and then there were none.

People of Interest (or, two lists compiled into one!)

• Abraham Simpson
• Agnes Skinner
• Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
• Barney Gumble
• Bart Simpson
• Clancy Wiggum
• Cletus Spuckler
• Dr. Nick Riviera
• Edna Krabappel
• Helen Lovejoy
• Homer Simpson
• Jasper Beardley
• Lenny Leonard
• Marge Simpson
• Moe Szyslak
• Patty Bouvier
• Selma Bouvier
• Seymour Skinner
• Snake
• Waylon Smithers

The killer is on that list. Place your bets.

[Ray Jay Jonah]

I'm guessing Bart, Jasper or Homer

[hammster]

I'm placing my bet on Lenny.

[Granto]

it's kurns stupid! disregard



i'm going with W and S. Waylon Smithers

[Zombies Rise from the Sea]

I'm betting most of my money on Edna Krabappel and some of my money on an additional bet for Jasper Beardley.

[hammster]

Wait wait... I think I know who it is. It's either Lenny or... or... erm... let's say Moe.

[Jims]

Act One

EXT, Springfield Harbor

As the sun begins to set on the Springfield Harbor, a small crowd of people are gathered around the docks. They are each climbing aboard a conspicuously small motor boat. Among the group are, in alphabetical order: APU, CHIEF WIGGUM, DR. NICK, EDNA KRABAPPEL, HELEN LOVEJOY, MOE SZYSLAK, PATTY BOUVIER, and PRINCIPAL SKINNER. The old SEA CAPTAIN, is standing on the dock, nervously glancing at his watch.

PATTY
Is it time to go yet? I'm tired of waiting.

MOE
Nah, the Captain said we have to wait for one more passenger.

HELEN
Well, I hope they arrive soon. I've never been to an Isotope Island party before! I heard that, at last weekend's party, Krusty the Clown got so drunk, he racked up a $20,000 liquor bill for the party host!

MOE (smugly)
Yeah, that was a good weekend for business.

APU
Who was the host?

HELEN
The Springfield Fund for Needy Children. It was a fundraising banquet.

Awkward silence.

EDNA
...Well, I've never been to one of these island parties either. Ever since Burns bought it, he's been renting it out to people, and there seems to be a huge party going down every weekend. Never got invited to one until now.

SKINNER (smoothly)
So, is there a chance this could turn into a Couple's Retreat?

EDNA
Sure, Seymour. You'll be sharing a room with Patty.

PATTY (waving her hand dismissively)
I'm good, thanks.

WIGGUM (pointing)
Look, a car is approaching!

A brown Geo Metro automobile pulls up to the Springfield Docks. NED FLANDERS gets out of the car, followed by HOMER and LISA SIMPSON. Homer grabs an old-fashioned suitcase from the trunk.

HOMER
Daddy's going to be at a party tonight. Be good for the Flanders family while I'm gone, and see if you can get me those tax returns I requested. If you can't, I suppose I can settle for some Social Security Numbers instead.

NED (obliviously)
I'll keep a close eye on this one, Homer. Rod and Todd agreed to help out with watching Maggie, so we everything should be fan-diddly-tastic! Isn't that right, kids?

Ned leans his head into the car, where Rod and Todd are setting out some blocks in front of Maggie's carseat, spelling WWJD.

ROD & TODD
Yay!

Maggie brusquely knocks the blocks away, sending them flying out the window.

LISA (reassuringly)
I'll see you when you get back, Dad. I can take care of myself.

Homer leans down and kisses Lisa on the forehead. Suitcase in hand, he makes his way to the docks, where the boat is waiting for him. As he climbs aboard, the boat dips considerably into the water.

PATTY (as Homer approaches)
Figures that Fatboy is the one who's late...

HOMER
Sorry, everyone! Flanders was driving so slow we were getting passed by semi-trucks in a school zone.

MOE
Hey, give him a break. The man drives a Geo.

The old Sea Captain abruptly unties the boat from the dock. He climbs aboard, starts the motor, and the boat begins its trip across the Springfield Bay. The trip is relatively uneventful, with everyone in the boat staring dumbly at the water around them. Eventually, a small speck in the distance becomes visible.

WIGGUM
Look, it's Isotope Island!

HOMER (in awe)
Wow... It's so much smaller than I imagined it... (pause) Wait. Now it's getting bigger... (pause) Bigger again. (pause) Oh my God, the island keeps getting bigger and bigger! This island must be haunted!

PATTY
We're just getting closer to it, you idiot. There's no such thing as a haunted island.

As Patty says this, the full island comes into view and the occupants finally get a good look at it. They are shocked to see quite possibly The Most Haunted-Looking Island ever. It won 3 Spookies during last year's local awards season, and for good reason. It's got everything. The billowy fog around it... The large Victorian-era mansion at the top of a hill... Towering cliffs surrounding the house... A rickety shack in the distance... Sharp jagged rocks on the beach... It's even got an old McCain/Palin sign stuck in the front yard.

DR. NICK
A haunted island? What is this, a Scooby Doo mystery?

HOMER
I hope so! Those mysteries are fun!

The boat arrives at the sandy shore, and the passengers begin unloading.

[Ray Jay Jonah]

NIIICE!

[Aqua]

I like, I like.

[hammster]

I like this alot.

[Jims]

EXT, Isotope Island

The nine guests are unloading their suitcases and bags from the motor boat. The moment that last bag is removed, the Sea Captain revs up the motor boat again, and departs for shore. Approaching them from the direction of the house is WAYLON SMITHERS, hurrying along down the hill to greet them all.

SMITHERS
Welcome to Isotope Island, everyone. I'm glad everyone could make it. Hopefully the seas weren't too rough? Follow me and I'll show you to your rooms.

The group heads up the hill toward the mansion with their bag, having a Walk-n-Talk with Mr. Smithers.

MOE (surprised)
Smithers? I didn't know you were hosting this party. If I knew that, I would've brought a different set of clothes.

SMITHERS
Oh, I'm not the host. I merely work here during a few weekends whenever Mr. Burns books a party. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and general maintenance on the property.

HELEN (sharply)
Then who is our host?

SMITHERS
I'm not sure. Mr. Burns handles all the bookings, and in this case, he didn't tell me who the host was. I assumed the host would speak up when you arrived. Are any of you hosting?

Silence.

SMITHERS
Ah well. Perhaps they'll be arriving by a later boat. In the meantime, we'll just get settled here and have a nice dinner.

Smithers opens the front door of the mansion and everyone shuffles inside. Probably the best way to describe the interior would be "hit or miss". The general upkeep of the place leaves something to be desired, as the wallpaper is mostly a grimy lime green color, while the shag carpeting would make even a 1970s interior decorator blush. On the other hand, it seems that Mr. Burns has thrown in some surprisingly expensive furniture, which clashes with the general crappiness of the place. There's something odd about seeing a genuine Van Gogh painting on the wall obscured by peeling wallpaper chunks hanging down.

HOMER
Wow, nice place! I wish I had string cheese wallpaper! Classy stuff!

Homer pulls a strand of peeling wallpaper down, causing an entire section to fall down. Homer attempts to discreetly hide it behind a collection of Fabrege Eggs.

SMITHERS (nervously)
Eh hem... I'll show you your rooms. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Smithers leads everyone up the stairs to the second floor and into their rooms. Edna Krabappel's room is closest to the main stairway, so she is shown her room first. Typical of the rest of the building, the rooms are generally a wreck, save for the random bits of luxury. She immediately notices a pipe in the ceiling is leaking water into the corner of the room. She grabs the Ming Vase on her dresser and places it on the floor to collect the water.

She places her suitcase on the nearby desk, and begins unpacking her things. As she does so, she notices a framed poem on the wall. She reads it aloud.

Ten little isotopes swimming in some brine,
one dissolved completely and then there were nine.

Nine little isotopes gaining too much weight,
one went back for seconds and then there were eight.

Eight little isotopes floating up to Heaven,
one split his halo open and then there were seven.

Seven little isotopes doing magic tricks,
one permanently disappeared and then there were six.

Six little isotopes learning how to drive,
one's tore his seatbelt and then there were five.

Five little isotopes digging for some ore,
one dug to China and then there were four.

Four little isotopoes singing songs with glee,
one hit a sour note and then there were three.

Three little isotopes chasing a kangaroo,
the kangaroo punched one, and then there were two.

Two little isotopes sneakily on the run,
one got caught by cops, and then there was one.

One little isotope swimming in the sun,
he got hung up in the heavy current, and then there were none.

EDNA (rolling her eyes)
Sounds like the author of this thing went to the Ralph Wiggum School of Poetry...

A gong chimes downstairs, the sound bellowing throughout the house. Edna peeks her head out into the hallway. Wiggum, coming from his room next door, is at the head of the stairs.

WIGGUM (calling downstairs)
Smithers, stop playing the gong! We're trying to unpack!

The rest of the guests explain the concept of a "dinner gong" to Wiggum, as they head downstairs to dinner.

INT, Dining Room

All nine guests are sitting around the dining room table, thoroughly enjoying their dinner of steaks and mixed vegetables. Dr. Nick is knifing his way through his steak vigorously, like one of his surgery patients. Helen Lovejoy has barely touched her food, as she is too busy gossiping to Wiggum and Homer next to her. Homer is pretending to listen to her, as he deftly succeeds to steal the steak off her plate. Apu, being a Hindu, doesn't eat steak, and is instead munching on a Caesar salad. Patty and Moe are deep in the middle of a "What's wrong with your face?" argument. Edna Krabappel is listening earnestly to both sides of the argument, in order to get an informed opinion.

Smithers has come in with a bottle of red wine, and is pouring everyone a glass of wine. Skinner keeps standing up several times in an attempt to get a toast started. The others repeatedly ignore him and keep chattering away.

MOE
I don't really understand why they call this place Isotope Island. I mean, it's owned by the same guy who owns the Power Plant, but that's about the only thing it has in common.

HOMER (enthusiastically, in between bites of steak)
Yeah, they should've called it Craphole Island instead!

PATTY
No one would go to an island called Craphole Island.

HOMER
They would if it had a Craphole Amusement Park.

PATTY (with a smirk)
Well, you got me there.

SKINNER (standing)
Now, that we all have our wine, I'd like to propose...

EDNA (cutting him off)
I vaguely remember this island being called Isotope Island when I was a schoolgirl. There must've been a reason.

SMITHERS (entering the room)
I believe it got that name due to the extensive radium testing that happened on this island in the 1950s. Everything on this island got exposed to some kind of radioactive isotope at some point.

Awkward pause.

SMITHERS (hurriedly)
...But I'm sure all the radioactivity is gone by now.

EDNA
Either way, they really kept that theme going strong. Did you guys have that "Ten Little Isotopes" poem framed in your room? It's not Shakespeare, but it's cute.

MOE
Yeah, I had one of them poems in my room too!

As Moe says this, Smithers is standing at the stereo system in the corner of the room. In his hand is a packet of CDs, presumably as background music for the dinner guests. He slips the first CD in the book into the player, but a very different kind of recording plays.

VOICE
Attention everyone, please!

Everyone stops what they're doing as they listen to The Voice. It is a digitally modulated voice, one that you would regularly hear as telephone operators or text-to-voice computer programs.

HOMER
We're all ears!

VOICE
Each of you have been charged with the following crimes...

HOMER (putting down his utensils)
Ah, crap. These dinners always seem to turn out this way.

VOICE

• Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, you are responsible for the death of regular Kwik-E-Mart customer Jasper Beardley.
• Patty Bouvier, you consciously had your older sister and coworker Selma Bouvier killed.
• Principal Seymour Skinner, you deliberately murdered your own mother, Agnes Skinner.
• Edna Krabappel, you are directly responsible for the death of a student, one Bartholomew Simpson.
• Helen Lovejoy, you deliberately and vindictively brought about the death of Marge Simpson.
• Waylon Smithers, you purposefully sent Lenny Leonard to his pointless death.
• Dr. Nick Riviera, you callously sent Cletus Spuckler to the grave, among countless others.
• Chief Wiggum, you engaged in vigilantism by cold-bloodedly executing Snake.
• Moe Szyslak, you are morally and ethically responsible for the death of Barney Gumble.
• Homer Simpson, you calculatedly murdered your father, Abraham J. Simpson.

Awkward pause.

HOMER
Well, at least we're all equally being called out.

VOICE (abruptly, quickly)
...Homer, you're also responsible for the death of Frank Grimes Sr.

HOMER
(annoyed grunt)

[Jims]

EDITOR'S NOTE: Please bear with me as we get a lot of exposition out of the way. With 10 murder accusations, there's a lot of stuff to clear up.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The voice recording immediately ends, transitioning into the next track on the playlist, "Summer Girls" by LFO. All of the guests look shocked. Shocked by the recording, not the song afterwards. Although both interpretations are probably equally valid.

SKINNER (standing up)
Smithers, what is the meaning of this recording that you...

HOMER (interrupting him)
Shhhhhh... I love this song!

Smithers turns off the stereo, ejects the CD, and shows it to everyone. The label on it reads "MR. BURNS MIXES IT UP" in black magic marker with a crude drawing of Burns wearing a clock around his neck. Everyone gets up out of their chairs and examines it.

SMITHERS
I had no idea that was on the CD! I was just instructed to play some music toward the end of dinner. It just looked like one of Burns' mixtapes.

MOE
Wait a minute, so you think an old fossil like Burns would know how to put together a mix CD?

SMITHERS
Hmmmm... I hadn't thought of that. I barely even looked at it.

HELEN
This is just beyond ridiculous, these accusations. Marge Simpson was my friend. I had absolutely nothing to do with her death.

WIGGUM
Same with me. I'm an officer of the law, not some criminal. If anything, I'm above the law!

Everyone immediately looks at him, awestruck by such a stupid comment.

WIGGUM (sheepishly)
...Eh, maybe we should sit back down and talk this over.

HOMER (sitting down, as everyone else does so)
There's one thing I want to know. Why is everyone picking on my family? The guy says you (pointing to Edna) killed my son, and you (pointing to Helen) killed my wife. If there's one thing that annoys me, it's people killing my family members. That, and watching "Glee". But the family thing is Number One!

EDNA
What's wrong with "Glee"?

HOMER
Hey, don't change the subject.

EDNA (defensively)
Don't look at me... You know what happened with your son, and I had nothing to do with it. I can't be watching your son constantly on every field trip we take. If he wants to wander away from the group into Downtown Springfield unattended, then it's his fault, not mine.

WIGGUM
If he's your most biggest problem, then why didn't you keep a close eye on him?

EDNA
Have you ever tried to watch that kid? I'd like to see you try.

HELEN
Well, like you, I'm being accused of something I had absolutely nothing to do with. Like I said before, the whole town knows that Marge Simpson was my friend, and I was very sorry to hear about her suicide. But you can't force someone to hang themself. You just can't.

MOE
Oh, I dunno... Have you ever started a game of Beer Pong at an AA meeting? Good times.

HELEN (ignoring him)
Besides, as her husband, Homer, shouldn't you know more about her death anyway?

HOMER
Well, actually I do know a little. I remember someone was spreading horrible rumors about her, but she didn't want to go into details. You don't know anyone who likes to gossip, do you, Helen?

For once in her life, Helen doesn't have anything to say for herself. Homer clearly isn't satisfied.

DR NICK
I just want to say that I performed hundreds of operations for a few satisfied customers! Many of my patients couldn't afford surgery at a traditional hospital, and I performed a service! Supply and demand!

SKINNER
Was Cletus one of your patients?

DR NICK
Oh yeah, very sad. He came in because he had the bronchitis. I know because I removed one of his lungs to give a diagnosis! Putting it back in was the difficult part!

SKINNER
You're a licensed doctor, though, right?

DR NICK
You bet! I've been driving since I was fourteen!

Everyone looks unamused.

DR NICK (pointing his finger at Apu)
Ah, but at least I'm not poisoning the entire town with tainted meat products!

APU
Oof, I'm so tired of that news story. My Kwik-E-Mart store has been selling meat products for decades and what happens? One bad shipment of meat and everyone blames us.

SKINNER (dryly)
...Apu, almost the entire town was infected by E-coli.

HOMER
Gawd, I was on the toilet for several days! Got so much reading done that week.

Awkward pause, naturally.

APU
But only one person died from it, and he was a very old man. If Jasper hadn't died then, he would've just been neglected to death by the retirement home! I did my job, and that's all I can do.

WIGGUM
I can relate to that, Apu. You all probably heard about the Costingtons store robbery a few months back? Well, when I got there, it became a shoot-out. I ended up taking out Snake, who was the ringleader of the gang.

APU
I remember reading about it in the newspaper. Snake had been on a crime spree for months! Three times in the same week did he rob my Kwik-E-Mart!

PATTY
Did you get anything for stopping Snake, Wiggum?

WIGGUM (thickly)
I got a promotion.

PATTY
I thought you were already Chief of Police?

WIGGUM (smugly)
Yeah, but now I get Mondays off.

PATTY
So?

WIGGUM
I hate Mondays. Just like Snoopy.

[Jims]

EDITOR'S NOTE: Still not a very jokey script, mostly because of all the exposition so far. It should get more upbeat once we get some more heads rolling. Hopefully, this chapter should give more hints about some of the deaths so far. We'll go over most of these later, but it will be more "showing" and less "talking".

---------------------------------------------------

SMITHERS
If I could just speak up for a second, I wanted to clarify something. While I was indeed involved in the death of Mr. Leonard, it was something completely out of my control. There was a critical situation at the power plant in the reactors that would've resulted in a meltdown. I advised sending Lenny in to fix the problem.

SKINNER
Was he the most qualified person to do it?

SMITHERS
Of course. Unfortunately, things went badly in the reactor, and Lenny didn't make it back out. Luckily, we were eventually able to contain the problem and no other lives were lost.

MOE
Yeah, good thing you didn't take out Carl too, or else my bar would be almost out of business... Especially after Barney's accident. You think Homer alone could support the business? It's either that or welcome new customers into the bar. And then I'd have to learn their names...

PATTY
So, did you kill Barney or what, Moe? What's your story?

MOE (matter-of-factly)
Oh, Barney? That was just his alcoholism catching up with him. The guy drank for three straight hours and then tried to drive himself home in his Plow King. He ended up trying to plow the snow on the ice of Lake Springfield... Got halfway across before the ice caved in.

HOMER
It's people like him that prevent the rest of us from driving our snow plows on the lake anymore!

MOE
I tried taking away his keys, but it's hard to keep them away from an angry drunk like Barney. This guy makes drunk Mel Gibson look like Charlie Sheen.

APU
Uh... I'm confused about that metaphor.

PATTY
Don't worry, it's not your fault.

MOE
And you're saying it was my fault? That I could've stopped him from driving?

PATTY
I was talking about your metaphor. But, yeah, you were probably wrong there too.

MOE
Well, what about you, Patty? Why'd you bump off your twin? Got tired of being "The Ugly One"?

PATTY
Were you born stupid, or have you just been hanging out with Homer too much? Me and Selma got along great. We watched McGuyver reruns almost every night together.

MOE
So how did she die?

PATTY
If you must know, she was run over by Hans Moleman in the parking lot of the DMV. He had come in for his tenth driving exam this year, and lost control of the vehicle. Selma was killed instantly.

HOMER
You mean Moleman did it? Aw, man... I forgot to send him a Thank You card...

PATTY (grimacing at Homer)
Ha ha, very funny. At least I was only accused of one death. You seem to kill more people than the Springfield mob, Homer.

HOMER
That's not fair! Grimey didn't count! I tried to be his buddy, and he completely flipped his wig!

PATTY
And Grampa?

HOMER
I have no idea what happened with that. Remember that huge barbecue I hosted a few months back? I think all of you were invited. Well, the following day, he just fell over dead from kidney failure. He'd had kidney problems before, so it wasn't a complete surprise. But I have no idea what his death has to do with me.

WIGGUM
So you're saying there's no link between you and your dad's death?

HOMER
That's right. I loved that guy... The way he used to tell long-winded stories... How he used to fall asleep at the dinner table... His life insurance policy...

WIGGUM
Wait, what was that last thing?

HOMER (pointing)
Look, Smithers is burning the house down!

Everyone looks at Smithers, who is obviously not burning the house down. Everyone turns back to Homer again.

HOMER (pointing)
Look, Smithers isn't burning the house down!

For some reason, everyone looks at Smithers again.

WIGGUM
He's right, he wasn't burning anything!

HOMER
Well, I've told my story... That should be all of us.

WIGGUM
Not quite, Simpson, one of us is holding out on us. Don't you have anything to say, Principal Skinner?

Everyone turns to him. Principal Skinner stares back at them defiantly, for what seems to be an eternity. Then, he finally speaks.

SKINNER
I have nothing to say.

Everyone grumbles disappointedly.

MOE
Aw, come on, Skinner! We all told our bits! What did you do to your mom? Poison her? Stab her? Setup her dead body in a basement rocking chair?

Skinner merely glares at him, not uttering another word about the subject. After a couple more tense moments, everyone gives up on him.

HOMER (suddenly)
Hey, I just thought of something! Maybe this is one of those Mystery Parties, where everyone has to figure out who did the murder!

DR NICK
What murder?

HOMER
That's what we're trying to find out! Who gets murdered?

Homer looks around the table dramatically at everyone. Everyone looks condescendingly (but still dramatically!) back. Several people take this moment to take a much needed drink of wine from their glasses. Yet another awkward pause occurs.

DR NICK (putting down his glass)
Well, it's obvious none of us have been murdered...

HOMER
That's one question down! Now who's the murderer?

PATTY (throwing a cloth napkin at him)
Just be quiet already...

HOMER
That's exactly what the murderer would say! Who's with me?

A loud crash is heard from one side of the table. Dr. Nick has fallen out of his chair and has landed on the ground facedown.

HOMER
That's one vote! Who else agrees?

Wiggum and Skinner immediately get out of their seats to assist Dr. Nick back to his seat. Skinner tries lifting him up, but he drops like a sack of potatoes.

HELEN
What's wrong with him?

SKINNER (feeling Dr. Nick's pulse)
Oh, nothing really... (pause) Wait a minute... He's dead.

Everyone gasps predictably.

PATTY
Are you happy now, Homer? You got your murder you wanted.

HOMER (sadly)
I blame myself. (pause) Well, me and the murderer. (pause) Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably more his fault.

[Jims]

The entire group is staring down at Dr. Nick's limp body, still unbelieving of what just happened. Clearly, no one really knows what to do with a dead body. A doctor would probably know, but then again, he's the one who's dead. Then again, even Dr. Nick probably wouldn't know. So the whole thing is a wash, really.

WIGGUM (looking over the body)
How did he die?

SKINNER
No idea... One moment he was sitting there normally, the next moment, he collapsed.

MOE
Maybe he shot himself!

SKINNER
With what? I didn't hear a gun.

MOE
Maybe he had a silencer!

SKINNER
OK, then where's the bullet wound?

MOE (still selling it)
Maybe he missed and it went into the wall!

SKINNER (fed up)
THEN HOW DID HE DIE?!?!

Moe hangs his head in shame.

HOMER
Maybe the food was poisoned?

HELEN (rolling her eyes)
Hmmmm, perhaps the dinner steaks was bought at the Kwik-E-Mart...

APU (unamused)
Very mature, Helen.

SMITHERS
I was in charge of all the food, and I can tell you quite certainly that it was not poisoned. If the food were bad, then everyone would be sick right now!

SKINNER
Did anyone see Dr. Nick do anything specific, right before he died?

Everyone pauses to consider.

EDNA (suddenly)
Wait! I remember he took a few sips of his wine! That was a minute or so before he died! I remember because I was having some of my own at the time and looked across the table at him. Maybe his wine was poisoned?

WIGGUM (picking up Dr. Nick's half-full wine glass)
There's only one way to find out...

Everyone watches in horror as Wiggum begins to drink the wine.

WIGGUM (suddenly stopping)
What? You really thought I'd drink it? Give me a little credit.

SKINNER
What I'm confused about is what anyone here has to gain by killing Dr. Nick. It doesn't really make sense.

WIGGUM
Maybe it was suicide! He listens to the recording... Hears the accusation... Slips something into his drink... And then boom! Dead!

SKINNER
Does Dr. Nick seem like the suicidal type to you?

Everyone at the table considers this. The grand majority seems unconvinced by this suggestion. Still, it's sometimes easier living the lie...

WIGGUM
Sure. He was always... Moody... And depressed... And, um, a doctor? Doctors kill themselves all the time! Yeah, that's right!

Everyone nods their heads in agreement vigorously. Everyone except Skinner, who still doesn't seem convinced. Despite this, he shrugs it off, unwilling to continue the argument.

SMITHERS
Either way, we must alert the authorities. Did anyone here bring a cell phone?

HELEN (shaking her head)
No, no, no... You don't understand... The party invitation I got specifically said not to bring any cell phones!

Helen fumbles through her purse and eventually produces a small invitation card, signed by Montgomery Burns. The main paragraph isn't very important (it just has the basic time/place info, RSVP info, etc). However, there is a note at the bottom that reads, "P.S. Please do not bring any cell phones."

SMITHERS
So you all decided to come to this remote island with no way of communicating home?

Everyone hangs their heads with shame.

HELEN (indignantly)
It would be incredibly rude to go against our hosts' wishes!

MOE (sheepishly)
Um, ahem... About that... How do I put this... Well, I brought my cell phone anyway. I'll call the police.

Moe whips out his cellphone (previously seen in the episode "Moe Gets a Cell Phone") and begins dialing.

MOE (showing everyone his phone)
Wait a second... Damn. I don't have any signal. See? No bars.

PATTY
Who's your phone provider?

MOE
AT&T.

Everyone grumbles discouragedly.

[hammster]

I'm still really enjoying this. This is seriously one of the better fanscripts on the site and it slowly getting funnier. The dialogue is pretty strong, which is unusual for a fanfic so kudos for that. Some of the jokes in the very first segment felt ever-so slightly strained but it feels like you've hit your stride now so well done.

I'm gunna go and rewatch the episode 'Moe gets a cellphone' now because of this.

[Jims]

Thanks hammster. I kinda agree with you about some of the jokes in the first scene. I'm very much more comfortable with "dialogue humor", with characters bantering back and forth (which is why Patty Bouvier is a godsend)... I have more trouble writing non-coversational gags, like visual humor and whatnot.

Short update for today.

-------------------------------------------------------

SMITHERS
The boat is coming tomorrow to pick everyone up, so I guess we'll have to sort everything out later with the police. For now, we should probably take Dr. Nick's body out of the dining room.

SKINNER
Why? Aren't we supposed to leave a crime scene alone?

SMITHERS (nervously)
Um... I'm supposed to look after this place for Mr. Burns and he wouldn't be happy having a dead body lying all over his dining room carpet...

APU
It would also make lunch tomorrow kind of awkward!

WIGGUM (reassuringly to Skinner)
Don't worry, I've seen the crime scene already, so that should be just fine! After all, I'm Chief of Police!

SMITHERS
Let's take the body up to his bedroom.

Homer, Skinner, Apu, and Smithers all assist in lifting Dr. Nick's body. Eventually they get him propped up, hanging on the shoulder of Homer.

HOMER
This is just like "Weekend at Bernie's"!

Homer reaches over and grabs Dr. Nick's jaw.

HOMER (lip-synching)
Hi, everybody!

WIGGUM
Hi, Dr. Nick!

Everyone else has the correct response, which is "horrified".

SMITHERS
Let's go.

The four men carry Dr. Nick's body up the stairs, and the rest of the party (Edna/Helen/Moe/Patty/Wiggum) follow behind. They reach Dr. Nick's bedroom, which is annoyingly the farthest away from the stairs, and they gently lay his body on the bed. They close the door behind them as they exit.

HOMER
So, what does everyone want to do now? Maybe a board game? Charades? Let's not let something like a suicide ruin the party!

Blank stares from everyone.

HOMER
...Buzzkills.

The groups then disperses in several different directions, with pretty much everyone going back to their rooms. Apu and Skinner are the last two people remaining in the hallway. As Skinner is about to enter his bedroom, he hears a voice behind him.

APU
Principal Skinner, do you really think Dr. Nick killed himself?

SKINNER (pausing)
Frankly... No. He just doesn't seem like that type.

APU (considering)
...I agree.

SKINNER
It doesn't matter if it were in his food or his wine, someone deliberately poisoned him.

APU
I can't believe Helen Lovejoy suggested that bad Kwik-E-Mart meat was involved with his death! The nerve of that woman!

SKINNER
I don't think she was serious... That's just her way of dealing with this situation.

APU
I'm just really tired of that news story. It's following me around!

SKINNER (interested)
By the way, what actually did happen with that E-coli scare that you had? I remember reading about it in the newspapers, but I'm curious to know what you think.

APU
Oh, believe me, Principal Skinner, I remember that day well...

Cue flashback.

[Jims]

INT, KWIK-E-MART, LOADING DOCK

A large semi-truck is unloading several cardboard boxes into the Kwik-E-Mart storeroom. The side of the semi-truck says "GRANDMA GERTIE'S MEAT COMPANY", with the slogan "WE SLAUGHTER WITH LOVE" printed below. Apu is taking the individual boxes from the unloading area and putting them in the walk-in freezer, as Manjula supervises. Apu opens the freezer, and is greeted by a wall of cardboard boxes. Every shelf inside is being used. There are so many boxes stacked on the floor that Apu cannot even enter the freezer.

APU
Looks like this shipment's going to be a tight squeeze!

MANJULA (scolding)
Apu, you said you were going to buy a second freezer for the Kwik-E-Mart so you replenish your inventory quicker!

APU
I know... I know... It's just that money is tight right now, and new freezers are expensive. The store needs to make more money first.

MANJULA
If that's the case, then we'll have to squeeze for whatever extra profits we can get.

Manjula leaves the room, heading back into the main convenience area. Apu tries squeezing the cardboard box into the freezer, but it just goes flying back at him. Seeing the 20+ boxes of meat behind him, Apu sighs. Using the dolly, he carts the boxes into the regular storeroom with the non-refrigerated products. He shrugs his shoulders as he exits the room.

Almost immediately, the storeroom door opens again, and Apu appears. He's having second thoughts about his idea. He goes to the thermostat, turns it down to 55 degrees Fahrenheit (the lowest it will go), shrugs his shoulders, and then exits again.

CAPTION - "TWO DAYS LATER"

Apu enters the storeroom again, and grabs a couple of the boxes of meat. He then enters the convenience area of the store, stocking the display freezers with the individual products (hamburgers, steaks, etc). Re-stocking complete, he goes back to the register to ring up some customers' items.

Several nondescript denizens of Springfield enter the store, purchase meat products, and leave. We see a few Simpsons regulars also buy these products, like Krusty the Clown, Professor Frink, and Jasper. Finally, Homer comes up to the counter with 20-30 packages of hamburger patties.

APU
Hello, Mr. Homer. Do I suspect these hamburgers are going to be for your upcoming barbecue?

HOMER
That's right. It's going to be a huge party! You're coming, right?

APU
Most certainly.

Homer and Apu make more small talk as Apu rings up his total. Homer pays for the items, and departs.

CAPTION - "ONE WEEK LATER"

SPINNING NEWSPAPER - HEADLINE "KWIK-E-COLI" - SUBHEADER "HUNDREDS SICK FROM TAINTED BEEF, ONE DEAD". STORY IN BOTTOM-LEFT CORNER - "GOOD MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE PUKING".

INT, KWIK-E-MART

Naturally, Kent Brockman and his Action News Crew have attached themselves to this story. He is currently interviewing Apu. Homer wanders through the store in the background looking through the various freezers.

KENT BROCKMAN
Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, what do you say to the allegations that poor storage conditions caused an E-coli breakout around the town?

APU (shaking his head vigorously)
What a horrible suggestion! I still maintain that the Kwik-E-Mart has strict policies for storing inventory. What happened must be the fault of the shipping company!

BROCKMAN
So you deny any wrongdoing?

APU
Absolutely. I can guarantee that, from now on, every product that you purchase here will be of the highest quality!

BROCKMAN (narrowing his eyes to slits)
From now on? What about before?

Homer approaches the register, standing right behind Brockman. His arms are, once again, full of hamburger packages. He is dropping several on the floor, but doesn't notice and/or care.

HOMER
Kent Brockman? I didn't know you shopped here! Are you in line?

BROCKMAN (moving)
Go right ahead.

HOMER (putting his meat on the counter)
(and no, that's not what she said, you dirty-minded reader)
Thanks.

APU (looking at the camera, stiltedly and robotic)
Hello, Mr. Homer. I see you have chosen to purchase some of our high-quality meat products.

HOMER
Yeah, give me some of those lotto tickets too.

Apu grabs a generous number of them and begins ringing up the total.

HOMER (leaning on the counter)
You know, Apu, I think you did this whole E-coli thing just so I'd have to buy another hundred bucks of hamburger. Do you know how much meat we had to throw away? It broke my heart, man. Marge caught me rummaging through the garbage four times!

BROCKMAN (cutting in, with his microphone)
Excuse me, sir, did you just admit to going through your garbage for food?

HOMER
That's right.

BROCKMAN
Did you also just say you're buying another hundred dollars worth of food from a store that gave you food poisoning?

HOMER
That's right.

BROCKMAN
Are you aware you're on camera right now?

HOMER
That's right. (pause) Wait, what?

BROCKMAN
Why don't you shop at a different establishment?

HOMER (sheepishly)
I'm not allowed at the supermarket anymore. What kind of America refuses a man his right to ride in a shopping cart? That's what I want to know.

BROCKMAN (turning to the camera)
A personal question from... Well... A questionable person.

Flashback fades out.

INT, ISOTOPE ISLAND MANSION, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Skinner is staring a Apu, who appears to be lost in thought.

SKINNER
Well?

APU (startled)
What's that?

SKINNER
You said you remember that day well, and then you got quiet.

APU
I'm very sorry. I was going to tell you about how I stored the meat products correctly in the walk-in freezer. It must have been in that awful shipment already!

SKINNER
You're probably right.

Apu's stomach suddenly growls loudly.

APU
Oof, that dinner must've been a little light. There wasn't much to that salad they served me. Excuse me for a moment.

Apu heads downstairs into the empty kitchen in search of some grub. He opens the refrigerator, but is unsatisfied by any of its offerings. He begins looking through the kitchen cabinets and drawers, searching for a dry snack. The only things he finds are a large assortment of pots and pans, various cooking utensils, and a surprisingly extensive collection of knives and meat choppers.

As he gives up on his Quest for Grub, he hears someone in the dining room. He goes to investigate. It's Smithers, who's clearing the dishes from dinner. Smithers is being surprisingly rough when handling the dishes, and he is muttering under his breath.

SMITHERS (straightening up)
Oh, hello Apu. I didn't know anyone was down here.

APU
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Smithers. I was wondering if you knew where any chips or some saltines or something would be? I searched everywhere in the kitchen.

SMITHERS
Those kinds of things are stored in the pantry in the basement. The stairs should be adjacent to the kitchen.

APU
Thanks.

Apu goes back into the kitchen and opens the door to the basement. He stands at the top of the stairs, looking downward into the dark basement. The spooky aura emitted from the pantry is clearly making Apu have second thoughts. The light from the kitchen is lighting up the passageway somewhat, so he can make out a couple of the pantry's features. About to take his first step down the stairs, he notices a mini-freezer at the very bottom of the stairs. He pauses for a moment to think.

APU (thinking, via voiceover)
Hmmm, maybe a new freezer wouldn't have cost that much...

Without warning, he feels a sharp shove into his back. Apu attempts to grab the stairs' railing but misses. He tumbles down the stairs face-first, unable to stop himself from falling. The sheer momentum of his body crashing down the stairs makes stopping himself impossible. And, unfortunately, he is gaining more and more velocity as he approaches the bottom...

Apu slams head-first into the side of the pantry freezer.

[hammster]

This is a really enjoyable read. More people should be reading.

[Jims]

This is a really enjoyable read. More people should be reading.

I agree! Geez, people, you better read this script, or I'm going to... Well... Um, I guess I'm not going to do anything. But I really could I wanted to! *shakes fist angrily*

(I can't even get Simpsonfan to comment about what an awful writer I am, which is in itself extremely sad.)

No update tonight... Reworking the next scene a little bit. It's hard to make "finding Apu's body" more interesting.

[Zombies Rise from the Sea]

Don't worry. I'm reading this script and I enjoy it so far...

[Jims]

Hey, thanks, Monsieur Zombies. I really appreciate it!

----------------------------------------------

Smithers is dashing up the stairs in a full sprint, a frenzied look on his face. He knocks loudly on several of the bedroom doors, hoping to get their attention. Homer is first to open his door, already clad in his pajamas (complete with nightcap!). All other guests eventually emerge from their rooms.

HOMER (yawning)
What's wrong?

SMITHERS (hurriedly)
A terrible accident has happened! Follow me and I'll show you!

Smithers leads them all into to kitchen, directing them to the pantry stairwell. The group gazes down at Apu's crumpled body at the foot of the stairwell. Taking charge, Chief Wiggum gingerly makes his way down the stairs and inspects the body.

WIGGUM
He's dead. Looks like he broke his neck.

SKINNER
What happened, Smithers?

SMITHERS
I have no idea. I was clearing the table in the dining room, and suddenly I hear a crash in the direction of the pantry. At first, I thought one of the shelves had collapsed... It had happened during the last party. So I didn't investigate right away. But on second thought, I decided to check it out... And, well, there was Apu.

EDNA
Did you see anyone else down here?

SMITHERS
Not a soul.

Awkward silence.

HOMER (casually, stroking his chin)
Soooooo... What do you think? Accident?

WIGGUM
Oh, yeah... Definitely a textbook case.

MOE (nodding sagely)
Of course.

HELEN
Certainly.

EDNA
Absolutely.

SMITHERS
Without a doubt.

PATTY (gesturing toward Homer)
I hate to admit it, but I agree with Fatboy.

Skinner remains silent. Everyone prompts him to respond. A brief moment later, he takes the hint.

SKINNER (unconvincingly)
Oh, yes, ahem... Well, uh... Yes, I agree with that general assessment.

WIGGUM
Then we agree. Let's take his body upstairs.

HOMER
What? That wasn't part of the deal.

EDNA
We can't just leave him down here! His body is going to reek tomorrow. Let's just throw him in with Dr. Nick in one of the bedrooms.

HOMER
Up two flights of stairs? Ah, man... This place is turning into Classy Fat Camp.

HELEN (diplomatically)
If everyone helps out, I'm sure it won't be too bad...

HOMER (turning from her)
Don't talk to me.

Everyone begins the difficult task of trudging the body up two flights of stairs into Dr. Nick's bedroom. They place Apu's body on the queen-sized bed, right next to Dr. Nick's cadaver.

HOMER
Don't they look cute together like that, eh, Smithers?

SMITHERS (groaning uncomfortably)
Excuse me, everyone. I must finish clearing away the dishes.

Smithers goes back downstairs in the direction of the kitchen. He has wheeled a small cart full of dishes to the sink, which he is dumping all of the dishes and silverware into. Smithers starts the hot water stream, but turns it off almost immediately. Then he turns it on, then off again. On, then off again.

Homer comes running out of the upstairs bathroom wearing only a towel.

HOMER (from upstairs, calling down)
Hey, knock it off! I'm trying to take a shower!

Smithers sighs.

SMITHERS (to himself)
I don't feel like doing these tonight. I'll deal with them tomorrow.

Smithers exits the kitchen through a side door that leads to an old-fashioned servants' quarters. Although "quarters" is probably too generous a word, as its basically a tiny dilapedated room with a mattress-less bed and a several water pipes lining the walls and ceiling. Smithers can barely stand up in the room, let alone walk around. So, he lies on the bed. He looks over at a note he taped to the wall. It says.

TO DO TOMORROW MORNING
MONITOR ELECTRIC GENERATORS' LEVELS OUTSIDE
WATCH FOR BOAT ARRIVAL
MAKE BREAKFAST

Smithers sighs again.

SMITHERS (thinking)
I should've never agreed to work here. I should've just continued working at the plant... Why did Mr. Burns send me here?

Mini-flashback. A brief one, I promise.

INT, SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

Mr. Burns is sitting in his office chair behind his giant oak desk, with Smithers standing stoicly next to him. Lenny is standing on the other side of the desk.

MR. BURNS
Lenny, well done. You did a bang-up job running over those protesters. Keep up the good work, and someday, maybe you'll have my job.

LENNY
Really?

MR. BURNS
No. But you never know, you could be the next Smithers!

LENNY
All right!

Smithers moves uncomfortably as Lenny leaves the room. We then montage to The Adventure of Burns and Smithers (now starring Lenny!). Lenny keeps popping up wherever Burns and Smithers go, in an attempt curry Burns' favor. He drives them around in a cart around the main floor... He pulls out Mr. Burns chair in his office before he sits... He lays on the floor as Burns' footrest... He let's Mr. Burns throw paperweights at him for twenty minutes... He opens all of the doors for Mr. Burns when he approaches. At a set of double-doors, Smithers attempts to assist by opening the other door. However, Mr. Burns pays him no notice and walks through the side held open by Lenny. Cue dramatic music sting.

Flashforward a couple days, and the plant is in the midst of a meltdown scare. Sirens are going off, alarms are sounding, etc. Smithers, Lenny, and Carl are in one of the control rooms frantically trying to figure out what the problem is.

SMITHERS
We're going to need someone to go into the reactor chamber. Any volunteers?

CARL (raising his hands like a schoolchild)
Ooooooh, pick me! I helped install some of the newer components! I'm thinking it has something to do with the coolant valves.

SMITHERS (after a split-second of thought)
Lenny, you do it. We need Carl in here to monitor the gauges.

LENNY (looking around)
What gauges?

SMITHERS
Get in there.

Lenny uncertainly opens the door to the reactor core, and goes inside. As radioactive steam (if such a thing exists) fills up the reactor chamber and our screen, we transition back to Smithers' bedroom.

SMITHERS (thinking)
Eh... It was worth it.

[Jims]

Short update tonight. The upcoming dream sequence has a ton of short scenes, so the length is getting a little out of control (even though the animation time wouldn't take that long). May as well cut it in half.

----------------------------------------------------

INT, HELEN LOVEJOY'S BEDROOM

Sitting in the corner of her bedroom at a desk, Helen Lovejoy is writing in a small diary notebook. Her eyelids are heavy as she continually scribbles line after line of her personal thoughts.

HELEN (voiceover, as she is writing)
...Luann really wanted to go to the party, and I told her it was bad luck that she couldn't come. Honestly, I didn't mind too much, because she probably would have brought her sad sack husband. I do miss having Tim here, though... Tonight should have been wonderful, but it turned out awful! I don't mean because of Dr. Nick and Apu's deaths... Both were shocking and horrible, of course, but I couldn't believe the terrible accusation about Marge and I.

Helen yawns. Her eyelids are barely open now.

HELEN (still writing)
After all... Marge was my friend.

Helen closes her eyes completely now, but her hand keeps moving across the page...

Marge was my friend.
Marge was my friend.
Marge was my friend.
Marge was my friend.
Marge was my friend.
Marge was my friend.

Helen continues writing this line drunkenly (or sleepily), until she finally deviates.

Marge was a bitch.

Helen rests her head in her arms cradled on the desk. If she wasn't sleeping before, she definitely is now. Off to a dream sequence...

[Jims]

This is mostly a montage of different moments highlighting Helen and Marge's relationship. It's like "Mean Girls" but with grown women. And no Tina Fey.

SCENE #1, SPRINGFIELD PRESBYLUTHERAN CHURCH

It's Bake Sale Day at the Springfield Church, and everyone has brought in their goods for sale. Helen, looking rather proud of herself, is sitting behind a table with a tray of delicious brownies in front of her. Marge arrives with a plate of Rice Krispie Treats, and sits next to Helen behind her dish. The sale begins and we see several residents of Springfield approach the table.

Every single one of them grab one of Marge's Rice Krispie Treats, tossing a couple bucks into the basket as they pass. Eventually, Marge runs out of treats, while Helen's brownie pan is still completely full. More people approach the table but they see the Krispie Treats are gone, resulting in them leaving without purchasing anything. They still toss a couple bucks in the basket next to Marge. An awkward moment passes.

MARGE
I'll buy a couple brownies.

Helen smiles graciously, although the look in her eyes is unconvincing.

SCENE #2, CHURCH SANCTUARY

As Reverend Lovejoy sits in his office doing a crossword puzzle, Marge is running around the church doing random oddjobs. She's dusting off the pews, shining the collection plates, washing the stain glass windows, and rotating the Bibles (whatever that means?).

SCENE #3, CHURCH SANCTUARY

Marge is reading a scripture during church, and the congregation is uncharacteristically hanging on her every word. After church, the congregation goes through the receiving line to greet Reverend Lovejoy and Marge, who was worship leader. Helen squeezes herself in between the Reverend and Marge. Each of the congregation members greet and chitchat warmly with Reverend Lovejoy and then pass on to Marge, completely snubbing Helen.

SCENE #4, OUTSIDE THE CHURCH

Helen and Marge are walking around outside, for whatever unimportant reason. Helen trips momentarily.

MARGE
Oops... Sorry. I stepped on your foot.

Helen grimaces.

EXT, THE SIMPSONS BACKYARD

The Simpsons are hosting a barbecue in their backyard. Numerous tables and chairs have been spread throughout the yard, with a series regular filling each seat. Helen Lovejoy is sitting with her husband, and they are having a discussion about the Old Testament with Krusty the Clown. Helen looks rather bored with this, so she does a little People Watching.

Homer Simpson is at the grill flipping burgers as he chats with Chief Wiggum, who is standing next to him. He is cooking the burgers in batches, checking the burgers' temperature for each group. For this particular batch, he glances furtively at Wiggum as he takes the temperature. When he finishes the batch, he gives them to Marge, who plates the burgers and delivers them to each table. Grampa's table is the next one to be served.

All of our other "Isotopes" regulars are there. Principal Skinner has found his way to Edna Krabappel's table, although neither are talking very much. Dr. Nick and Dr. Hibbert are sitting together, with Nick pointing to several of his body parts and Hibbert shaking his head disapprovingly. Smithers is mashing up Mr. Burns' potato chips into a fine paste-like substance. Apu and Moe are playing a game of horseshoes against Patty Bouvier and Sideshow Mel. Or at least they're trying to play, except Moe inexplicably keeps throwing the horseshoes into the Flanders' yard.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (still conversing with Krusty)
...That certainly is one interpretation of the passage. (turning to Helen) What do you think, dear?

HELEN (distracted)
What? Oh, yes, Tim... I completely agree.

A horseshoe abruptly lands in the middle of their picnic table. Moe sheepishly retrieves it.

TITLE CARD - "1 DAY LATER"

INT, LOVEJOYS' KITCHEN

Helen is sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of lemonade as she drums her fingers impatiently. Presently, Reverend Lovejoy enters the room.

HELEN (concerned)
How was it? Did you make it in time?

REVEREND LOVEJOY (gravely)
I was too late. Grampa Simpson had died in the hospital already. Kidney failure.

HELEN
Oh, Tim...

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I was able to comfort Homer and Marge, though. They asked me to do the funeral next Wednesday.

Pause.

HELEN (considering)
It's an odd coincidence how he died one day after the Simpsons had their barbecue... Very strange timing.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Coincidences do happen, Helen.

HELEN
...You're probably right.

INT, VAN HOUTENS' HOUSEHOLD

Helen Lovejoy and Luann Van Houten are lounging in the living room, both sipping out of china teacups like the gossipy Victorian spinsters they wish they were.

HELEN
You know, it was really strange how Grampa Simpson died exactly one day after the Simpsons barbecue...

LUANN
Especially a week after they took out a life insurance policy on Grampa's life! They claimed it almost immediately! They certainly needed the money. Between you and me, I heard they were taking out a third mortgage on their house...

HELEN (surprised)
Really? That is odd... I hope there wasn't something wrong with Grampa's hamburger during the barbecue. I mean, I don't want to suggest anything, but it would certainly be tempting to someone like Marge, with all that money waiting.

LUANN
Marge? I thought Homer was cooking the burgers.

HELEN
Most definitely. But it was Marge who was delivering them... Homer couldn't have known who was going to get each of the hamburgers! Marge was the one handing them out. If Grampa was poisoned, she would be the only one who could have done it!

LUANN (considering)
Mmm hmmm...

HELEN
...Not that I'm saying he was poisoned, of course.

LUANN (quickly)
Of course.

The two women exchange knowing looks.

We then montage to several scenes of Helen gossiping people up about Marge, in various humorous situations. For example, she's chatting with Dr. Hibbert as he takes her blood pressure (her excitement causes it to read 180/110)... Calling up Dr. Marvin Monroe's radio program... Hassling Carl while he's trying to bowl... She shows up during a Krusty the Clown comedy sketch (and gets hit by a pie)... She's somehow gotten on the police radio channel in the middle of a chase scene... She's talking to Ralph Wiggum, who is systematically shoving mini-marshmallows up his nose... She even calls up Hans Moleman, who is talking on his cell phone while driving (and he then crashes his car into a fire station, exploding into flames). My fanscript promotes no cell phone usage while driving.

I've run out of humorous scenes for secondary characters, but you get the idea. She talks to pretty much everybody about Marge.

EXT, EVERGREEN TERRACE

Helen Lovejoy and Luann Van Houten are jogging along Evergreen Terrace. They are passing by The Simpsons household. The yard is in complete disarray, with several bags of trash sitting on the doorstep. All of the curtains have been drawn.

HELEN (eagerly)
What happened here?

LUANN
I'm sure I don't know. I haven't seen Marge Simpson in three days now.

HELEN
I saw her at the grocery store the other day, but didn't feel like talking to her. It seemed like everyone was giving her the cold shoulder. Even the cashiers could barely look at her!

LUANN (surveying the yard)
I'm don't even know if she's leaving her house anymore...

HELEN
Oh well... Let's keep jogging. Gotta keep that heart rate up!

The two women continue on their path.

INT, LOVEJOYS' KITCHEN (AGAIN)

Reverend Lovejoy is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a newspaper. Helen is moving about the kitchen, getting breakfast ready.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (startled)
Oh my goodness... It says here that Marge Simpson has committed suicide! She was found hanging in the attic!

HELEN
That's horrible!

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Indeed. A real tragedy.

HELEN
Yes, so sad... Anyway, what do you want for breakfast?

[Jims]

INT, HOMER'S BEDROOM

Homer enters his bedroom, closing the door behind him. It's been a long day full of experiencing mysterious deaths, and these kinds of things would take a lot out of anyone. Before he lies down, he notices the Isotopes poem on the wall.

HOMER (reading)
Nine little isotopes gaining too much weight,
one went back for seconds and then there were eight.

Pause.

HOMER
Hmmmm... That situation seems familiar but I can't remember... Something about a pantry and a dead body... Ah well. I'm sure I'll remember tomorrow.

With that, Homer lies in bed, clicks off the oddly-shaped lamp next to him, and falls asleep. We are whisked away to yet another flashback.

EXT, SIMPSONS' BACKYARD

Once again, we're back at the barbecue. Homer is at the grill, flipping hamburgers happily, as he chit-chats with various party guest who approach. There's currently no one conversing with Homer, although Chief Wiggum is hovering about from a distance. Marge is standing at a nearby table, with a pile of paper plates, buns, and various burger toppings.

MARGE (observing her table)
Looks like we're low on paper plates. I'm going inside to grab another pack. Grampa's table is next, and it's a table of 4.

Marge departs as Homer plops four burgers on the grill. As they begin cooking, one of them grows lips and begins talking to him...

BURGER (in a thick New York accent)
Listen here, you. If you're going to save your house and collect that life insurance, this is your opportunity.

HOMER
How so?

BURGER
Just undercook all of us. Raw meat is bad for ya, you know? Grampa takes one bite out of me and he's finished.

HOMER
Undercook all of you? That doesn't seem fair to the other burgers...

BURGER #2 (cockney British accent)
Cheers! I don't give a monkey about all that!

BURGER #3 (sullen teenage voice)
Eh, whatever... I don't care...

BURGER #4 (Southern accent)
A little red meat does 'em good!

HOMER
But what about the other folks at the table? They'll get sick too!

BURGER #1 (gesturing, if that's possible for a burger)
Who care about 'em?

Homer looks across the yard, and sees Grampa sitting with the Ned, Rod, and Todd Flanders. Ned waves at Homer with his usual warmth/naivete.

HOMER
Nevermind. Let's roll!

Homer takes the temperature of the burgers. Each of them read well below the recommended cooking temperature, whatever that is. After he removes the thermometer, Wiggum approaches the grill.

WIGGUM (cautiously)
Simpson, are you talking to the hamburgers?

HOMER (casually)
Oh yeah, it's my secret technique.

Marge returns from the house, her body almost completely obscured by the huge pile of paper plates and hamburger buns she has retrieved... All we can see is her hair! She's balancing the tower of burger supplies carefully, but several individual hamburger buns go flying everywhere, littering the yard. She eventually makes it, and piles all the supplies on the table.

MARGE (observing the grill)
Wow, that was a quick batch! You must've really cranked up the heat!

HOMER (shifty eyed)
Uh, yeah...

Not realizing the burgers are undercooked, Marge sets a paper plate out for each and gives each a hamburger bun. Because she made such a mess, she has to fumble through the entire pile to find an open pack of plates. The tower of supplies wobbles ominously.

Marge then takes all four burgers directly to the table occupied by Grampa and the Flanders family. She hand each of them their plates, turns, and departs back to the grill. From a distance, Homer watches as Grampa begins his meal.

HOMER
Y'know Marge, I think everything's going to be fine...

MARGE (uncertainly)
I hope so.

Grampa takes a huge bite out of his sandwich...

[Capt Hammer]

Oh my god, I love it. Your dialouge is some of the best I've ever seen for a fanscript and the story is amazing, certainly worth the read. Especially the little notes in the script (The that's what she said line made me laugh) Please Keep Writing!

[Jims]

Thanks, O Captain of Hammers! I really appreciate the feedback and readership!

Sorry about the delay. It was mostly due to 1) Thanksgiving and 2) reworking the order of scenes. I feel that the story is moving a little too slowly, so I moved a couple of scenes to later in the script. Not to toot my own horn, but I really like how this next segment turned out.

--------------------------------------------------

INT, MOE'S BEDROOM

Moe is sleeping peacefully (at least by Moe's standards) in his bed. You would think this would be the opening for yet another dream sequence, but it's not. Moe's slumber is interrupted by the loud dissonant ring of an alarm clock sitting next to his bed. The clock currently reads 5:00 AM.

MOE (smacking the snooze button)
Yeargh, another day of work...

Moe gets out of bed and looks at his dreary surroundings.

MOE
Oh yeah, I'm still at that party. (looks at alarm clock) 5 AM?!?! I thought I set this thing for 9 o'clock last night!

Moe deftly hops back into bed and pulls the covers over him. He begins dreaming happily again for another minute until, yet again, an alarm clock goes off. Once again, Moe smacks the alarm clock on the desk next to his bed. However, this time, the buzzer noise does not cease ringing. He listens for a moment, slides open the desk drawer, and finds a battery-powered alarm clock inside. The time reads 5:01 AM.

MOE (silencing the clock)
Fine, I'm up! I get the hint already...

Moe goes to the wardrobe closet to get some pants. Upon opening it, yet another alarm clock goes tumbling to the floor. As it hits the floor, it begins ringing. The time shows 5:02 AM. With a great sweep of his leg, Moe sends the clock flying into one of the bedroom walls, smashing it to pieces. He quickly puts on his pants and heads downstairs to the kitchen.

Upon reaching the kitchen, Moe rummages through the refrigerator looking for something to drink. After sifting through tons of fruity drinks, he eventually extracts a bottle of Admiral Morbid's Rum and a can of Buzz Cola. As Moe prepares his Rum & Buzz drink, voices begin floating through his head. We continue watching Moe mix his drink, but we get a bunch of voiceovers in his head. Remember, all the stage directions are still on the island.

Moe gets a small highball glass from the cabinet.

BARNEY (voiceover)
Gimme one more, Moe.

MOE (voiceover)
One Rum & Buzz comin' right up.

LENNY (voiceover)
You sure can put 'em away, Barney!

Moe fills half the glass full of rum.

BARNEY
Bottoms up!

Barney burps loudly via voiceover.

CARL
Hey, Barney, you need a ride home? I've only had a couple.

Moe pours in the Buzz Cola.

BARNEY
Nah, man, I'm cool.

LENNY
You really shouldn't be driving, Barney.

Drink in hand, Moe opens the front door and finds a wooden rocking chair on the veranda to sit in. He rocks back and forth sipping the drink peacefully as he watches the sunrise in the distance.

BARNEY (belligerently)
Give me my keys back, Lenny!

CARL (scuffle can be heard in the background)
Hey, toss 'em here, Lenny!

MOE (voiceover)
Yo, no playing Keepaway in the bar. (snapping his fingers) Give 'em here.

In the kitchen, a drawer is being opened...

BARNEY (slurring his words)
Guys, I told you, I'm fine...

CARL
Prove it, alky. Count to 10 for me.

BARNEY
1... Um, 1... 2... 3... 5... 8... 13... 21... 34...

The front door opens silently...

LENNY
Pathetic.

BARNEY (still slurring)
Just give me my keys back, Moe...

POV shot from behind Moe's rocking chair. A meat cleaver approaches...

BARNEY
Just give me my keys back, Moe...

The meat chopper is raised in the air...

BARNEY
Just give me my keys back, Moe...

Squealing tires and the sound of ice breaking...

[Jims]

INT, HOMER'S BEDROOM

Homer is sleeping. His alarm clock isn't. It reads 10:30 AM and the buzzer is ringing quite loudly. He reaches past the oddly-shaped lamp on the desk and hits the Snooze button. He appears to be well-rested, as he is surprisingly agile in getting ready for the upcoming day. He travels down the stairs and into the kitchen.

In contrast to the previous scene, the kitchen is now rife with activity. Helen Lovejoy and Principal Skinner are standing at the stove cooking up some breakfast. Patty Bouvier, Edna Krabappel, and Chief Wiggum sit at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and chitchatting mildly.

SKINNER
Hey, Simpson. Helen and I are making scrambled eggs and pancakes.

HOMER
Ugh, what an awful combo!

HELEN
I think what he means is...

HOMER (cutting her off)
Pancakes.

Homer heads over to the kitchen table. Halfway there, he turns back around and faces the cooks again.

HOMER
By the way, why are you guys cooking the breakfast? Where's Smithers?

SKINNER
Smithers never came in to get breakfast started, so Helen and I took the initiative. Haven't seen Smithers at all, actually.

HOMER
Haha, he's sleeping on the job! Finally I get to wake him up and tell him to get to work!

With a ridiculous amount of ecstacy, Homer goes over and knocks on the door to the servants' quarters several times. Getting no response, he gingerly pries open the door and peeks his head inside.

HOMER (singsong)
Oh Smithers... It's time to wake up...

But Smithers isn't in his room.

HOMER (closing the door)
Damn.

Homer takes the remaining seat at the kitchen table. A conversation is already in progress between Patty, Edna, and Wiggum.

EDNA
...I think that the boat is coming around lunch time, although Helen said it would be in the afternoon because the Sea Captain is probably hungover from his alcohol addiction.

WIGGUM
I had no idea he had a drinking problem! He always seemed like he had it together...

PATTY
The only reason he's a drunk is because he caught his First Mate was riding on another captain's dinghy...

WIGGUM
Who'd you hear that from?

Patty nudges her head in the direction of Helen Lovejoy.

HOMER
Haha, "dinghy"!

PATTY
I can't wait until he arrives so I can get off this god-forsaken rock of an island. Mr. Burns is going to be pissed when he finds out two people died here.

EDNA (taking a sip of coffee)
Yeah right... He'll probably charge the party host a couple Body Removal Fees.

PATTY (grumbling)
It would be really nice if the host would show up to his own party...

Patty reaches into her pocket and extracts a pack of cigarettes, lights it, and begins filling her lungs with flavor country. Edna grabs her own pack of cigarettes from her purse, and Patty gives her a light.

EDNA
Y'know, I'm seriously wondering if there even is a host. I swear if I find out this whole thing is some prank reality show, I'm going to snap.

HOMER
That would be a pretty stupid twist!

EDNA (blowing smoke across the room)
You know it.

Helen Lovejoy approaches the table with a huge plate of pancakes.

HELEN
Here are the pancak... What's going on here? Are you two smoking at the breakfast table?

PATTY (opening the pack of cigs)
That's right. Want one?

HELEN
I like my lungs the way they are, thankyouverymuch. Poison yours all you want. If you had any sort of manners, though, you'd take it outside before the whole room smells like a bowling alley.

PATTY (blowing more smoke into the room)
I dunno... I think the smell of nicotine and pancakes smell great together. Speaking of which, can I get my pancakes already or are you going to lecture me for two hours?

With a "hrumph" from Helen, she plops all of the pancakes onto the plates of Homer and Wiggum.

HOMER (digging into his pancakes)
Mmmmmm... spite...

Patty makes a move out of her chair, presumably to confront Helen at the grill.

EDNA (grabbing Patty's shoulder)
Eh, let's just smoke outside.

Patty acquiesces and the two women exit toward the front door, leaving a trail of smoke behind them. Opening the front door, they are greeted with a less-than-cheerful sight. Moe is sitting in his chair, looking quite as usual... Well, except for the large meat chopper blade lodged in the middle of his head. Other than that, he looks pretty good, at least by Moe standards.

Two half-smoked cigarettes fall to the ground in unison.

[Jims]

A transitional scene that I wanted to get out of the way. I'm getting kind of annoyed with the script because I'm so satisfied with how the last couple of scenes will go that I just want to get there already! My eagerness to write them is pushing me along. My eagerness is making me think the story is moving too slowly and I have to prevent myself from hurrying past stuff.

---------------------------------------------------------

INT, DR. NICK'S BEDROOM

Our crew is clumsily placing Moe's body on the rug in the center of the room. Everyone then immediately goes back downstairs to the dining room to have a meeting. Upon arrival, the entire group argues loudly with one another while they take their seats.

HOMER
I'm telling you, he could've slipped and falled on a meat cleaver...

PATTY
You're such a moron. I hope you're the next one bumped off, Homer!

SKINNER
If I remember correctly, I suspected murder even after Dr. Nick's death! It takes a meat cleaver to the head to finally convince all of you!

HELEN
Sorry if I'm not constantly assuming murder all the time like you, Skinner!

EDNA
This is why I hate it when Seymour is right. He's gloats about it for days.

Impatiently, Wiggum unholsters his police-issued handgun and fires it in the air. Everyone immediately silences themselves.

WIGGUM (officially)
Listen, everyone! I'm the Chief of Police, and I'll be in charge of this investigation. The boat's coming later today, so all we can do is wait this thing out.

Wiggum pauses as everyone nods in docile agreement.

WIGGUM
The murderer is someone on this island, and he...

PATTY (interrupting)
Or she!

Edna and Helen both give Patty annoyed "This is not the time for arbitrary feminism" look.

WIGGUM
...And he or she could be in this very room. (pause) In fact, the more I think about it, the more likely it seems that the murderer is sitting among us. They're probably sitting here, looking around the table, deciding who their next victim is... The eagerness to kill is probably insufferable right now, and that person views us all as game to hunt. This person could be sitting right next to you poisoning your glass of water as we speak...

Wiggum glances ominously around the table, much like the teller of a ghost story would. The other faces at the table look less than amused.

HOMER (theatrically)
Ooooooo... I'm sooooo scared! I better not drink this glass of water, or I'll be poisoned!

WIGGUM
If you're so confident, Simpson, then you drink it.

Homer gingerly picks up the glass, considering this proposition. Despite his bombastic airs about him, he seems uncertain about the idea.

HOMER (not convincingly)
Wait a second... This isn't my glass! You must've left yours in front of me, Patty.

Homer swaps his full glass of water with Patty's empty one.

PATTY (rolling her eyes, lifting the glass)
No one would be stupid enough to poison you, Homer. It would take several hours for your brain to realize you should be dying.

Patty takes a sip of water.

PATTY
See? Nothing wrong.

Patty suddenly drops to the floor, her body writhing in pain. The spasms stop after a couple of moments as she lies on her back with her eyes closed. Helen shrieks loudly as the group rushes over to Patty.

HOMER
Ding, dong, the witch is dead!

Patty opens her eyes.

PATTY (angrily)
I'm not dead, you oaf. I was just screwing with you. I told you there would be nothing wrong with the drink.

Patty gets back up and the rest go back to their original seats, somewhat disappointedly. For some odd reason, Homer looks most disappointed.

PATTY
I don't know why everyone's acting so paranoid, when it's completely obvious that Smithers is the murderer. I mean, Moe gets murdered last night and Smithers is nowhere to be found.

WIGGUM (diplomatically)
Doesn't mean he's the murderer.

PATTY
What else could it mean? That he left momentarily to get a Squishy? Bad news, buddy. One, the boat hasn't arrived yet. And, two, he already killed the owner of the Kwik-E-Mart.

HOMER (solemnly)
Aw, no Squishies for anyone... Those were Bart's favorites...

EDNA (standing up)
Well, I'm not going to sit around here and wait for Smithers to come kill all of us. There's got to be something we can do about it!

HELEN
I agree.

SKINNER
Me too.

WIGGUM
Well, then, you know what that means...

PATTY
We split up into search groups and get killed, one by one?

WIGGUM
Exactly. We each get killed one by one.

Awkward pause.

WIGGUM (hurriedly)
No, wait! I mean, we search the island. We've got to find Smithers.

[Jims]

Really had fun with this segment; I must be in a good mood or something tonight. Or maybe the two characters are easy to write?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

EXT, ISOTOPE ISLAND

The crew is gathered around the front porch area where they found Moe's body.

WIGGUM
Okay, so me and Homer will search the grounds outside. Krabappel and Skinner will search the upstairs bedrooms. That leaves Patty and Helen to search the main floor and pantry areas. Any questions?

HELEN
What do we do if we find Smithers hiding somewhere?

WIGGUM (confidently)
Don't let him murder you.

HELEN (still puzzedly)
Oh... Well, okay.

The group departs in their separate directions. We stay with Homer and Wiggum outside, who are now roaming the front yard looking for Smithers in improbable places. My favorite places they look are "under rocks" and "in the clouds above".

WIGGUM
I can't believe I have to instruct people to not be murdered. You'd think that would be obvious to everyone by now... Then again, not everyone can have my natural survival instincts.

Finished searching the yard, they turn the corner of the house. Attached to the side of the mansion is a patio area with several electrical generators hooked up to various plugs and outlets. Since there can be no power lines to an island, these generators provide all of the island's electricity. At the base of one of the generators is a sheet of folded-up paper. Wiggum picks it up.

WIGGUM (reading)
Hmmmmm, this appears to be some sort of checklist. "Monitor electric generators outside"... "Watch for boat arrival"... "Make breakfast"...

HOMER
What could it mean?

WIGGUM
It means whoever left this here was going to monitor the generators.

Wiggum takes a pair of small sunglasses out of his pocket.

WIGGUM (flipping them on)
Looks like this case just got a little more electric.

HOMER (disinterestly)
...Yeah.

WIGGUM
Hey, where's the enthusiasm?

Wiggum pockets the note and they move on to other endeavors. A few yards away from the mansion is a rickety shack as foreshadowed in the very first scene of the story. One may think that this rickety shack was mentioned early on because the rickety shack plays an important role in the narrative, but it could be because the author has a thing for writing about rickety shacks. Or maybe this is all a red herring. Or maybe both are true.

The important thing is that the two men approach the ambiguously-important rickety shack. Homer pulls on the handle but it won't open, mostly due to the imposing metal padlock on the handle.

HOMER
Do you have the key?

WIGGUM
Why would I have the key?

HOMER
Eh, thought there might be an outside chance.

WIGGUM
Maybe there's a Hide-A-Key around here! Everyone in Springfield has those things, you know. If you drive down Evergreen Terrace, almost every house has a suspicious-looking rock on their porch!

HOMER
Hmmmm, I should think about getting one of those.

The two men look under several rocks near the rickety shack but a key has not been hidden under any of them. Neither is Smithers.

HOMER (pointing up high, at the back corner of the shack)
Hey, that looks like a window!

Homer reaches above his head and can just barely prop open the wooden flap covering the opening. It's one of those annoying wooden windows that open upward that you see on a barn, kind of like those old-fashioned garage doors from the 1960s. Even if Homer could fully open the window, he certainly wouldn't be able to see inside.

HOMER
Give me a boost, Chief!

Wiggum kneels down and Homer uses him as a stepping stool to get a good view of the window. Homer carefully lifts the wooden flap so he can see inside the rickety shack. Just as he is about to get a glance, he goes tumbling back to the ground. It's hard to tell who's more at fault: Wiggum for collapsing or Homer for being such a fat bastard.

WIGGUM
There's gotta be a better way to get inside, one that doesn't involve being stepped on.

HOMER
Are you sure you don't have the key?

Chief Wiggum throws Homer an exasperated look.

WIGGUM
Maybe if we had a stepping stool or a ladder...

HOMER (saluting)
I'm on it, Chief! I'll go find one!

Homer goes rushing off into the direction of the house, leaving Wiggum all alone near the rickety shack.

[Jims]

INT, MANSION FOYER AREA (MAIN FLOOR)

The group has split off into pairs, with Chief Wiggum and Homer heading outside while Krabappel and Skinner go upstairs. We stay with Patty and Helen as they explore the main floor of the house. They start with the living room, which doubles as the music room. A grand piano sits in the middle of the room, covered by a large white sheet. Although they are both in the same room searching drawers and closets, they are working pretty independently of each other.

HELEN (pulling off the sheet)
Wow, what a great looking piano! Do you play, Patty?

PATTY (curtly)
Nah.

More silence as the two women continue searching the room. Helen is looking behind the curtains while Patty is opening and inspecting the contents of a nearby closet.

HELEN
So, um, what do you think about this whole thing?

PATTY
Not much.

HELEN
Oh, come on! You have to think something about it! Three people have died! I want to know.

PATTY
Of course you do.

They move onto searching the kitchen.

HELEN (anxiously)
I feel so bottled up on this island. So much has happened, but no one really wants to talk about it! No one ever approaches me and asks me what I think. Don't you want to know what I think?

PATTY
Not really.

HELEN
Why?

Patty ignores her and continues rummaging through the kitchen drawers.

HELEN (impatiently)
Why?

Patty closes the drawer.

PATTY
You want to know why? Because you're a horrible little woman who spends more time worrying about other people's affairs than dealing with your own! You try to fool people with this "innocent minister's wife" crap, but the whole town knows what you are. You're not a person; you're just a mouthpiece. A horrible scheming little mouthpiece. So, you want to know why I don't want to know what you think? Because I already know! It's whatever I want to hear!

Helen tries to take these news impassively but the expression of malice on her face is clearly visible.

HELEN
Why are you saying this? Does your, um, "lifestyle decision" make it a requirement to lash out at anyone remotely religious? Because guess what? I don't even care about all that!

PATTY
You really don't get it. I heard that recording yesterday that said you were responsible for my sister Marge's death. If that story's true, and I really think it is, then you and me have a big problem.

HELEN (incredulous)
What? How would you know whether it's true or not?

PATTY (looking down)
Oh, no reason.

Very very quickly, Patty flashesback to a brief moment. She's sitting in the passenger seat of a driver's education vehicle, with Hans Moleman at the wheel. Hans Moleman is driving along practically blindly, as usual. Needless to say, Patty's foot remain close to the passenger-side emergency brake that are installed in driver's ed vehichle. We're looking forward from the backseat of the window and we can see through the windshield.

The car is approaching Selma Bouvier, who is walking across the DMV parking lot...

PATTY
Look, we don't have to pretend to like each other. Let's get through this ordeal and then we don't have to see each other anymore. We still need to search the dining room and the pantry.

Patty opens the door to the pantry. The stairs look as trecherous as ever. Both women can also observe the brown smudge against the mini-freezer at the bottom of the stairs.

PATTY (motioning to the stairs)
Ladies first.

HELEN
No, thank you.

PATTY
What do you think I'm going to do, push you down the stairs?

HELEN
It worked so well when you did it to Apu yesterday!

PATTY
I didn't kill him. (beat) Of course, it really doesn't matter what I say to you.

HELEN
Right, because I'm such a horrible person who makes up lies.

PATTY (impatiently)
I just want to get this over with. Just go already.

HELEN
If you're so confident, then you go first.

PATTY (squinting her eyes suspiciously)
No.

Both of them continue standing at the top of the stairs, gridlocked by their stubborn sense of suspiciousness and paranoia. Hey, at least we finally found something they could agree on.

PATTY (sighing)
Whatever. I'll finish the rest of the main floor... You search the pantry by yourself. Hopefully Smithers is waiting for you down there.

HELEN
Very funny.

Helen makes sure Patty is at a safe distance as she climbs her way down the stairs. Patty goes to search the dining room.