"Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 3)" - A fanscript

[Jims]

Some notes:

This is an alternative solution to the "Who Shot Mr. Burns" mystery. The fanscript is going to take place partly in the timeline that Part 2 took up, as well as what happened afterward. Every single component of my solution is backed up by a kind of evidence either shown or overlooked in the original solution of "Who Shot Mr. Burns". If I say that something exists, there's some sort of evidence of it in the original episodes.

I do take some liberties in filling in some of the gaps that the episodes do not cover, but they hopefully will not contradict what is actually shown in the episodes themselves. The point is that, in theory, everything in this script could have happened (if I don't mess up the continuity in some unforeseen way). Think of it as doing a "Trilogy of Error" to the episode.

This script begins the evening after Waylon Smithers is revealed to be innocent in Part 2. Hey, they didn't show that stuff, so I can do whatever I want with it.

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INT, The Simpsons home, master bedroom

HOMER and MARGE are lying in bed, preparing for sleep. Marge stares at the ceiling with a worried expression, as Homer simply stares at Marge invitingly. Marge is too preoccupied with the ceiling to notice.

HOMER (seductively)
Let's snuggle.

Marge groans dismissively, which unfortunately means "No" in wife-talk.

HOMER (smoothly, in a bad Southern accent)
How about I just whisper sweet nothings in your ear?

Another dismissive groan. Marge rolls over, facing away from Homer.

HOMER (desperately)
Wanna play backgammon?

MARGE (turning around to face Homer)
Does it bother you at all that Smithers was cleared of the shooting today?

HOMER (pausing)
A little. It means I lose the Fantasy Burns-Shooter pool at work. I had Smithers.

MARGE
It also means that the shooter is still at large. It could be anyone... Even someone in this very household.

HOMER (disappointed)
Damn, I should've bet on them.

MARGE
Doesn't that thought bother you? Even a little?

HOMER
Well, it would mean being nicer to the kids so they don't shoot us. And we'd have to raise their allowances.

MARGE (sighing, giving up)
Nevermind. Go to sleep, Homie...

HOMER
Oh, I get it now. You want to play a game of Clue. I'll be Colonel Mustard!

Marge instead closes her eyes so she can sleep. We are then whisked away to Marge's dream world.

EXT, Town Hall

Marge's dream world is also a flashback to the time of the shooting. The scene is entirely in gray-scale. With the sunblocker in place, Mr. Burns is leaving the town hall meeting, cackling with joy. Marge walks to the parking lot with Maggie. She approaches the car, reaching through the already-open window to unlock the door, and puts Maggie in her car seat. Suddenly, BART approaches.

BART
Hey, Mom.

MARGE (startled)
Hi, Bart. Are you ready to go home?

BART
Mmmmm... Maybe in a minute or two.

MARGE
Why's that?

Bart brandishes Grampa's Smith & Wesson from his pocket.

BART (matter-of-factly)
Oh, I just have to shoot Mr. Burns. It'll only be a second.

MARGE (confused)
What?

BART
Mr. Burns. He's coming. I have to shoot him soon.

MARGE
You're not shooting Mr. Burns.

BART
You never let me do anything. You'd totally let Lisa or Maggie shoot Mr. Burns. You never let me shoot anyone.

MARGE
Well, maybe if you'd clean your room...

BART
How 'bout I shoot Mr. Burns now and then I'll clean my room when we get home.

MARGE (firmly)
You're not shooting Mr. Burns. Now give me the gun.

BART (exasperated)
But I need this gun to shoot Mr. Burns. Then what would I shoot him with?

MARGE
Why do you have to shoot him?

BART
Mom, please stop distracting me. You see, I need to shoot Mr. Burns.

Marge quickly bends down and grabs Bart's shoulders.

MARGE (angry)
Stop saying that! You're not going to shoot Mr. Burns!

BART (grimly)
...But I've already shot him.

Bart points across the parking lot, where Mr. Burns is already stumbling around with a gunshot wound. The gun in Bart's hands is smoking. Bart leans in close to Marge to whisper something in her ear.

BART (whispering)
And now you're an accessory.

A gunshot rings out.

A sick expression appears on Marge's face, and she stumbles away from her son to get some help. There is no visible gunshot anywhere on Marge, but she is limping along as if she were. She desperately inches her way around the corner of town hall, heading toward the entrance. She continues toward the main square of town hall, looking for anyone who can help. As Marge stumbles along, she bumps into Mr. Burns, who is also stumbling (due to his gunshot wound). She casually pushes him to the ground and continues on her course.

Marge collapses onto the sundial face-down.

[Bella Drape 'er]

Wow that was really good.

I mean the start didn't have much going for it, except from this line from Homer: "It means I lose the Fantasy Burns-Shooter pool at work. I had Smithers." That last bit is very Homer-esque and it was a clever amusing line.

I didn't like the fact that Marge would suspect her own family of shooting Mr Burns, I would have thought she would have had more faith in her family, blinded by her love for them.

From the murderous Bart dream things were brilliant, Bart so persistant in wanting to murder Mr Burns and the re-workings of the Mr Burns stagger and sundial scene were just genius ideas.

Overall, this fanscript has started off pretty well, apart from my slight niggle with Marge's characterisation, it's a solid A for now. Keep up the good work Jims!

[D'ohmer]

This is great! It's funny and I really like the dark tone to it.

[Jims]

Thanks for the comments.

Regarding the Marge suspecting Bart thing, it is kind of weird to begin with, but there's going to be a very specific reason why she would suspect him. One of the convenient things about "Who Shot Mr. Burns" is that Bart (among many characters) never does get an alibi for the shooting. Right now, it's definitely going to seem like a random and arbitrary choice.

Like the "Curb Your Simpthusiasm" script, I have the whole plot outlined already in terms of what's going to happen in each scene, but all the dialogue and jokes are being written off the top of my head. In my outline, I had "dream sequence where Marge sees Bart shoot Mr. Burns" and that's it. In terms of the execution of the scenes, I'm making that up as I go.

[Bella Drape 'er]

Regarding the Marge suspecting Bart thing, it is kind of weird to begin with, but there's going to be a very specific reason why she would suspect him. One of the convenient things about "Who Shot Mr. Burns" is that Bart (among many characters) never does get an alibi for the shooting. Right now, it's definitely going to seem like a random and arbitrary choice.

Like the "Curb Your Simpthusiasm" script, I have the whole plot outlined already in terms of what's going to happen in each scene, but all the dialogue and jokes are being written off the top of my head. In my outline, I had "dream sequence where Marge sees Bart shoot Mr. Burns" and that's it. In terms of the execution of the scenes, I'm making that up as I go.

Oh ok. Glad you've got some sort of plan for this.

And I don't mind that you're doing the execution as you go along, I know it's more fun and easier this way.

[Gatorgod]

This was very interesting,.. You've giving me a new outlook on what might've been on that fateful night.

[Jims]

INT, The Simpsons household, master bedroom

Marge and Homer are both still sleeping in the darkened bedroom. Homer is sleeping peacefully, while Marge is tossing and turning in her sleep. It almost seems like she's having a nightmare about Bart shooting Mr. Burns. The alarm clock reads 3:00 AM. The bedroom door opens slowly, and Bart quietly sneaks into the room. He tiptoes across the room, heading straight toward the bathroom.

Bart yawns as he approaches the sink and then immediately begins searching through the medicine cabinet. He is carefully inspecting the label of each and every pill bottle of the shelves, dismissing each of them. Some of the rejected items read: Super Daytime Cold/Flu, Red Bull multivitamins, Coffee-flavored downers, and Pixy Stix nasal spray.

BART (muttering under his breath)
This cabinet is an insomniac's nightmare...

Bart eventually spots a box of Krusty-brand Koff Medicine PM liquid-gels (Now with less rum!) in the top shelf, and removes two tablets from the plastic packaging. He fumbles with the packaging, having to eventually use his teeth... Because seriously, why do they make those things so impossible to open? Especially when you're tired? Because of this, Bart drops both tablets onto the bathroom floor.

He crawls on the bathroom floor to retrieve them. One of them rolls across the floor toward the laundry hamper, and comes to rest when it hits a box sitting next to the hamper. Bart picks up the pills, swallows them, and takes a look at the box. Bart realizes it's the Cuban cigar box that Grampa's Smith & Wesson was in. But the gun is missing.

BART
What? I thought Mom buried this.

Unsure what to do, Bart places the box back where it was on the floor, and creeps out of the master bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He crawls into his bed, waiting patiently for the PM medicine to kick in...

INT, Town hall (gray-scale edition)

Like Marge, Bart's dream transports him back to the day of the shooting. Mr. Burns, having blocked out the sun, leaves the building, cackling with delight. Several townpeople begin filing out of the building. Bart, however, quickly rushes off toward the stage of the meeting hall and enters a side door. Like a man on a mission, he traverses several hallways until he reaches an exit of the building. It is a double-door, with an opaque blue-tinted window on each of them.

For some reason, Bart is now holding two rolls of toilet paper in his hand. He then peers through one of the windows, but the opaque texture obscures his view. He does vaguely make out a darkened figure standing outside.

Bart tries to push the door open, but it doesn't budge. He pushes again, more forcefully this time. Still nothing. Bart proceeds to Plan C, which is ramming his shoulder into the door repeatedly, but to no avail. In frustration, he throws both rolls of toilet paper against the doors which, unsurprisingly, don't do anything but make a big mess.

Suddenly, a gunshot rings out nearby.

BART (frantic)
I have to get this door open.

Another gunshot.

BART
OK, now I really have to get this door open.

Gunshot.

BART (shouting)
Someone help! The shooter is right behind this door!

Gunshot.

BART
Fine, I give up. I don't even care anymore.

Bart casually strolls away from the door, whistling a ditty until he's off screen. The door still stands proud, almost mockingly, and for a brief moment, all is calm.

Gunshot.

Immediately, Bart comes running and screaming onscreen, waving a black crowbar in the air. He pries away at the hinges, also with no success, until he eventually gives up and starts beating the windows repeatedly with the crowbar. The windows remain strong, but Bart continues pounding the windows with the crowbar. The loud rapping of the crowbar increases in intensity with every single hit.

Finally, a small crack appears in one of the windows. As Bart prepares for another whack, the doors lurch open. In disbelief, Bart pushes open the door.

The doors open to the town hall parking lot, where he finds Marge standing by the car. Her hands are placed on her hips in an impatient gesture. In her right hand is Grampa's Smith & Wesson.

MARGE (cheerfully)
Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?

BART
I'm not happy. I just broke open a door.

MARGE (considering)
I see.

BART (pointing)
I had to use this crowbar.

MARGE
I think you had better drop it.

BART
Drop what? The crowbar?

Marge points the gun at Bart.

MARGE (still pointing)
I said drop it.

Bart holds out the crowbar in his hand and obediently drops in on the ground. As it hits the ground, a gunshot rings out.

Marge is still pointing the gun, but she appears to be looking at something far beyond Bart. Her face registers no emotion whatsoever. Bart turns around and sees Mr. Burns hunched over with a large bloodstain on his shirt. Burns is also slowly lurching away from the parking lot. I'd tell you where he'd going, but I think you already have an idea.

MARGE (as if nothing had happened)
All right, that's done now. It's time to go home.

Bart approaches the family sedan and tries the door handle. As usual, it doesn't open.

BART
It won't open.

MARGE
Hm. Maybe some doors shouldn't be opened.

Gunshot.

[Gatorgod]

Where as Homer and Lisa dominated the real episode, You've shown us a cool alternate Bart & Marge heavy storyline that's just as good. I like where this took me!

[Jims]

Where as Homer and Lisa dominated the real episode, You've shown us a cool alternate Bart & Marge heavy storyline that's just as good. I like where this took me!

Yeah, it's weird how much Bart and Marge fell into the background in Part 2 in favor of Homer and Lisa. It makes you wonder what Bart and Marge really thought about the shooting at the time. I'll admit right upfront that the script is going to be more Bart-heavy overall, although obviously Marge is a really important character in the narrative.

This next scene is the first of three straight scene-extensions in the script. It's weird putting my dialogue in after the actual written stuff. It seems like it sticks out like a sore thumb to me.

Also, no more dream sequences. Hooray!

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INT, The Simpsons kitchen

Grampa is sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal and a gallon of orange juice. He pours the gallon of orange juice into his bowl, as Marge quickly approaches the table. In her hand is the Cuban cigar box.

MARGE (quickly)
Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there... Have you seen it?

GRAMPA (waving his hands, mockingly)
You accuse me of everything around here! Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?

MARGE (rolling her eyes)
I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.

Marge walks away briefly. With her back turned, Grampa pulls out the Smith & Wesson from his pocket and pats it affectionately.

GRAMPA (to the gun)
Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby... Oh, I missed you bad...

MARGE (returning)
Were you talking to me Grampa?

GRAMPA
Uh... Yes???

Marge shudders.

Bart enters the room, still wearing his green pajamas. He plops himself down in a vacant chair at the table, and Marge accomodates him with a bowl for cereal.

MARGE
Good morning, sweetie. How did you sleep?

Bart pauses a moment, remembering his dream from last night.

BART
Fine. How about you, Mom?

Another awkward pause.

MARGE
Fine.

GRAMPA
Fine? You two should be sleeping great! It's folks like me that should be asked about their sleep! I've stayed here four days now and no one has asked me how my sleep was!

BART
How'd you sleep, Grampa?

GRAMPA (annoyed)
I almost died last night. Thanks for asking.

Lisa enters the room, also still wearing her pajamas. She is smiling brightly as she practically prances her way to the kitchen table. As she does this, Bart reaches for the box of Krusty-Os and starts filling his bowl.

GRAMPA (to Lisa)
What are you so happy about?

Hearing this, Bart abruptly stops pouring cereal. The sudden jerk of the cereal box into an upright position causes several small bits of cereal to go flying into the air. Bart steals a quick glance at Marge at the sink as he grabs the gallon of orange juice and fills the bowl. His mind is clearly elsewhere right now.

LISA (to Grampa)
I get to go downtown this afternoon to present Chief Wiggum with some of my new ideas about the shooting. This case has been really exciting so far.

MARGE
I still don't like the idea of you investigating an attempted murder.

LISA
Why not? It's just attempted murder.

MARGE
What if something happened to you?

LISA (smugly)
Well, the shooter obviously didn't get it right the first time, so I like my chances.

BART (rolling his eyes)
Maybe they'll get lucky...

MARGE
Bart! Don't say such horrible things!

LISA
It's all right. I won't rub his nose in it too much when I'm on the front page of the newpaper.

BART
I can see the headline now. "Lisa Simpson: Gunned down at 8 years old". Subheader, "She liked her chances."

GRAMPA (raising his hand)
I'll buy three copies!

LISA
I didn't know they did obituaries on the front page.

BART
They would have to. How else would the public know what time the celebratory parade would start?

MARGE
Bart!

LISA (unamused, getting out of her chair)
Very funny, Bart. While you sit there eating cereal, I'll be off solving mysteries.

Lisa quickly departs.

BART (tasting a spooful of his cereal)
Ewwwww! Orange juice instead of milk!

GRAMPA
In my day, we used to call that Florida Oats.

[Jims]

INT, The Flanders household, living room

Ned, Rod, and Todd Flanders are all sitting around the television, watching a television program peacefully. Milhouse is sitting at the edge of the couch, his arm leaning against the side in a state of boredom.

MILHOUSE
When is my mom picking me up?

NED
She's only been gone twenty minutes. She'll be back in a few hours.

MILHOUSE (grumbling)
Not soon enough.

NED (playfully)
Oh! It sounds like someone's missing mommy!

ROD (looking about)
I know I'm missing mommy!

MAUDE (entering)
I've been in the kitchen, silly!

Maude and Rod hug each other. Milhouse, not sure if this is some weird game they play, is at a loss to what to say. Ned and Todd watch, both wearing smiles of the goofiest order. Eventually, with that random moment of family values complete, Maude leaves the room again. The Flanders resume watching their TV program.

MILHOUSE
Can we at least watch something else?

NED
Ah! But we're almost through watching the Book of Job! Don't you want to learn about Job?

MILHOUSE (muttering)
I'm living the Book of Job...

Hoping to pass the time faster, Milhouse looks up at a nearby wall clock, watching the seconds tick by. When this doesn't work, Milhouse looks around the room to see if there's any drying paint to watch instead.

MILHOUSE
Soooooo booooring...

Suddenly, several armed men crash through the windows of the house. They immediately spread throughout the house and begin emptying out the dresser drawers. Chief Wiggum enters the room.

CHIEF WIGGUM
Homer Simpson?

NED (waving his hands)
No, no... I'm Ned Flanders. You have the wrong house. Homer Simpson lives next door.

CHIEF WIGGUM
Oh yeah... I recognize you from last time this happened. You'll probably want to get those broken windows fixed. There's a lot of burglars about.

NED
Great idea! Thanks for the advice, Off-diddly-officer!

CHIEF WIGGUM (preparing to leave)
I'll be going now.

MILHOUSE (rising from the couch)
Please don't leave me here!

Wiggum takes no heed of this plea and departs with surprising quickness. Milhouse reluctantly plops himself back on the couch and Ned un-pauses the video. As the video plays, the sounds of glass breaking and a door being broken down can be heard. The Flanders family keeps watching the video, apparently not noticing anything amiss. Faint yelling and gasping are audible in the background.

MILHOUSE
I wonder if anything is wrong?

NED
Oooooooo... Sounds like someone's spinning the worry wheel!

ROD
I'm spinning the worry wheel too!

MAUDE (entering with a wheelbarrow)
Let's wheel that worry away!

Rod gets in the wheelbarrow and Maude begins wheeling him around the household. Ned and Todd get out of their chairs and start following along. The Flanders are all laughing and having a great time.

Sick of these demented games they play, Milhouse gets off the couch and goes to look through a (broken) window. Milhouse sees a handcuffed Homer being led out of the Simpsons house and into the the police wagon by Eddie and Lou.

MILHOUSE (longingly)
Boy, I sure wish I were Mr. Simpson right now.

NED (from another room)
Hey, kids, let's go finish the Book of Job. Only 12 chapters to go!

ROD & TODD
Yay!

Milhouse shudders and returns to the couch.

[Jims]

Gonna be gone this weekend, and I wanted to finish Act 1 of this thing before I leave. Should have the closing scene up tomorrow... Although, if you look at where the plot is going, I think it should be obvious what that scene's gonna be.

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INT, The Simpsons kitchen

Marge and Lisa are sitting at the kitchen table discussing the recent events, just in case anyone watching had forgotten what has happened so far.

MARGE
The police has such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Simpsons DNA...

LISA
They have Simpson DNA. It could've come from any of us. 'Cept you, since you're a Bouvier.

MARGE
No... No, no. When I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.

LISA (doubtfully)
OK, mom. Anyway, my point is... The evidence isn't as concrete as it seems. Like those fingerprints. They could've gotten on the gun in some other way.

Lisa pauses with a gleam in her eye, apparently reliving some event from the past. Marge stares at her uncertainly, waiting for her daughter to return from this trance.

LISA
And we don't even know whose gun that was! Maybe somebody planted it there to frame Dad.

Marge glances toward the ceiling, considering this idea. The screen dissolves to show what she's thinking about.

INT, The Simpsons living room

Homer is sitting on the couch watching TV. Bart is standing in the foyer holding a box with a piece of cloth over it. Bart pulls out Burns' gun from his pocket and places it in the box. He enters the living room, box in hand.

BART (holding out the box)
Hey Homer, you want to pet my new hamster?

HOMER (still staring at the TV)
Sure.

Bart holds out the box, and Homer slips his hand beneath the cloth, patting the gun hidden inside.

HOMER (still staring at the TV)
Ooooh! Cyborg hamster! Make sure you don't feed it after midnight.

BART
I won't.

Bart takes away the box and exits the room. He then walks through the front door, approaches the car, and tosses the gun through an open window. Satisfied, he pats his hands clean and walks back into the house, a devilish grin upon his face.

...And then the fantasy is over. We're returned to the Simpson kitchen to Lisa and Marge.

INT, Simpsons kitchen (mid-conversation)

MARGE (shaking her head)
No... We can't start thinking that way about own family members. Suspicion could tear us apart!

GRAMPA
That's right! We all gotta stick together if we're gonna have any hope of bringing that awful Homer to justice!

Marge and Lisa stare at Grampa blankly.

LISA (rising from the table)
Well, Dad's not going to clear himself of the shooting. I'm going to solve this mystery!

Lisa briskly departs and goes up the stairs to her room. She plops herself down on her bed, staring at the ceiling. You can practically hear the gears moving in her head.

LISA
Think, Lisa, think... There has to be a solution to this. There has to be something I'm missing.

But no ideas come to her. The ceiling is clearly a poor inspiration. Restlessly, she hops out of her bed. She exits her room, knocks on Bart's door, and immediately lets herself inside.

BART (sitting at his desk)
Hey, I didn't say you could come in.

LISA (ignoring him)
Bart, we can't let Dad go to prison! Can you think of anything that could solve this mystery?

BART
Ah, you finally came to me for advice. It's about time!

LISA
Do you want to solve this or not? We're running out of time.

BART
Well, I did come up with a list of suspects. As I've eliminated people, I've been crossing them off the list. Lemme show you what I have.

Bart rummages through a desk drawer and pulls out a stack of paper, which appears to have a long list of names on it. He unfurls the paper across the floor. It is several feet long, and includes pretty much every resident in Springfield.

LISA
At least you were thorough. Let me see.

Lisa peruses the list hastily, checking for any crossed-out names.

LISA (annoyed, pointing)
Bart! You've crossed off only one name, and that's Maggie! There's still hundreds of names remaining! How on Earth is this going to help solve the mystery?

BART
Hey, it's one suspect less than you used to have. Do you want my help or not?

Lisa throws up her hands in frustration and brusquely exits the room. She hurries down the stairs, enters the garage, and starts wheeling her bicycle outside.

LISA
So little time... There's got to be something at the scene of the crime...

Lisa pedals away to her mission, while Bart watches from his bedroom window. Bart walks to the center of his room and picks up the ream of paper on the floor. He tears off the final sheet of paper and deposits the rest in the trash. He takes the sheet of paper to his desk and stares at the last name on the list: "Marge Simpson".

BART (dejectedly)
Even if she solves it, we still lose.

Bart places the lone sheet of paper back in the drawer.

[Jims]

INT, Springfield Memorial Hospital

A large crowd of Springfield denizens are standing around Burns' hospital bed. Some sort of commotion seems to be happening. Homer is shaking Mr. Burns at the collar, with Mr. Burns trying to figure out what's going on. Homer screams, grabs Wiggum's gun, and points it to Burns' head.

HOMER
Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!

Pause.

HOMER
...Before.

MR. BURNS
Shot? By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity, nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...

Mr. Burns slowly points around the room, his finger landing on Marge and Maggie. Bart nervously watches this develop, almost wincing in anticipation.

BURNS (screaming in horror)
M-m-maggie Simpson!

Bart's jaw practically hits the floor in surprise.

MR. BURNS
With the sunblocker in place and the town aghast, I was on top of the world! So I wanted to kick up my heels and indulge my sweet tooth.

Homer pulls a lollipop from his pocket, and Maggie reaches for it.

MR. BURNS (licking his lips)
Yes... That's the one. Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. But the old axiom was misleading. Taking the candy proved exceedingly difficult.

Mr. Burns pauses, assuming everyone can imagine what happened.

MR. BURNS
Stricken, I lurched forward in search of aid... But finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I gave up and collapsed on the sundial.

LISA (approaching with a notebook)
Then... With your last ounce of strength, you pointed to "W" and "S"... Or, from your point of view, "M" and "S". Maggie Simpson.

MR. BURNS
What? No. With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.

MARGE
Well, I'm just relieved that Homer's safe and that you've recovered and we can all get back to normal. If Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize for shooting you.

MR. BURNS
I'm afraid that's insufficient. Officer, arrest the baby!

CHIEF WIGGUM (laughing)
Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby... Mmmmmm... Maybe Texas.

Chief Wiggum departs with several other townspeople. Bart, still reeling from the shock of the accusation, heads into the hospital hallway to get a drink at the water fountain. Lisa sees Bart leave the room and follows him.

MARGE (heard faintly as Lisa is leaving)
Besides, she didn't mean it... It was an accident...

Still carrying her notepad, Lisa traverses the hospital hallway and finds Bart using the water fountain.

LISA (gloatingly)
See, Bart? I told you I'd solve this mystery. Dad won't go to prison and the shooter has been unmasked.

Bart doesn't respond, still using the water fountain.

LISA (seriously)
It's kinda ironic that it turned out to be Maggie, though, since that was the one name you had crossed off your list. Maybe that kinda put her name in the back of my mind when I went clue-searching.

Still no response.

LISA
What I'm saying, Bart, is that you were helpful in solving the mystery too. I didn't even consider Maggie a suspect until I spoke to you.

This statement also gets no reaction from Bart.

LISA (apologetic)
Look, I'm sorry for the way I reacted earlier in your room. Dad was running from the cops and things really looked bad for him. I didn't mean to brush your ideas off.

Bart stops drinking and turns around to face Lisa. Even to someone feeling as self-congratulatory as Lisa right now, she can see that her brother is worried about something. He is looking toward the floor, deep in thought.

LISA (concerned)
What's wrong, Bart?

BART
Maggie is. It doesn't make sense.

LISA
Oh, are you're concerned about our dear sister shooting someone? Well, it certainly concerns me too, but she's very young and doesn't really know what...

BART (interrupting)
No, you don't understand. That night, I actually heard the gunshot that hit Mr. Burns, and Mr. Burns' story doesn't add up.

LISA
Why not?

BART
Because Mr. Burns is a liar.

LISA
Well, that's certainly true, but sometimes even...

BART
No, you don't get it. When he was shot, I was with Maggie the whole time. She didn't shoot him. Burns is covering for the real shooter.

Surprised, Lisa drops her notebook. The binding hits the tiled hospital floor, emitting a loud rapping noise.

LISA (in disbelief)
You mean Maggie didn't do it? I was... wrong?

BART
That's right, Lisa. The shooter's still out there.

[End of Act 1]

---------------------------------------------------

Act 2 will start next week and will open with Bart's Story as to what he was doing the night of the shooting. I've given a couple little clues already as to what he might've been doing, so if you have any guesses (or general criticisms/comments), I'd love to hear them!

[Jims]

I am determined to finish the script even if I'm the only one who ends up reading it!

---------------------------------------

[Beginning of Act 2]

INT, Hospital waiting room

Bart and Lisa are sitting on two plush couches in silence. Lisa waits expectingly as Bart just lounges about with a stupid smirk on his face. He is glancing through a crappy waiting room magazine.

LISA (annoyed)
OK, I've been waiting for two minutes now waiting for you to tell me what happened. Will you tell me already?

BART (putting down the magazine)
Eh... I guess. This magazine is full of advertisements anyway.

And we're whisked away to the night of the shooting, Bart Simpson Edition. Bart narrates via voiceover, like Mr. Burns did for his rendition.

INT, Town Hall

Mr. Burns presses a button and the sunblocker blocks the, um, sun. Bart, sitting on the floor with Santa's Little Helper, looks on nervously.

BART (voiceover)
When Burns blocked out the sun, that was the final straw. I knew somebody had to cut that guy down a couple notches.

As several townspeople depart, Bart heads toward the stage and enters a side door, similar to his dream from Act 1. He marches down the sterile yet corrupt government hallway with purpose, heading straight toward the men's bathroom. He enters one of the stalls and unhooks the toilet paper from its roll.

BART (voiceover)
I knew I didn't have much time, so I thought the only thing I could do to Burns was toilet paper his car. If there's one thing I can always rely on, it's my ability to TP stuff.

As Bart grabs another roll in the stalls, Principal Skinner enters the bathroom. He enters cautiously, clutching a medium-sized bag at his side. Not seeing Bart yet, Skinner drops the bag at a sink, opens the bag, and removes his silenced gun. Bart exits the stall, holding two rolls of toilet paper in his hands.

BART (surprised)
P-p-p-principal Skinner!

SKINNER (also surprised)
Bart! What are you doing here!

BART (hiding the toilet paper behind his back)
Oh, you know... Peeing, crapping... That stuff.

SKINNER
What's the toilet paper for?

BART (showing the toilet paper)
Oh, this? It's for the road. Just in case.

Skinner folds his hands.

BART
I eat a lot of fiber bars?

Skinner snaps his fingers, in a "Give me the toilet paper, you liar" gesture.

BART (observing the sink)
Hey, what are you doing in here?

Skinner steps toward the sink, blocking Bart's view.

SKINNER
Nicely played. Now get out of here, Simpson.

Bart exits the bathroom, both toilet paper rolls in hand, and rushes down a few more hallways. He eventually passes Superintendent Chalmers, who is coincidentally also heading toward the bathroom. Boy, a lot of people must've drank a lot of water that night.

BART (voiceover, as Bart is walking)
I didn't know why Skinner let me go, but I didn't really care. He held me up too long already and I didn't want to miss Burns' car before he left. I finally reached the parking lot exit from the building, where I found Maggie sitting on the floor.

Bart is astonished to see his baby sister sitting leaning against the double exit doors. She is sitting there vexedly until she sees Bart approach, to whom she reaches her outstretched arms. Bart, suddenly forgetting his purpose, drops the toilet paper rolls and sits on the floor next to Maggie.

BART (whispering)
Maggie! What are you doing here?

BART (voiceover)
As I found her, I could hear Mr. Burns speaking outside.

MR. BURNS (outside)
Oh, it's you! What are you so happy about?

Maggie presses her ear against the door so she can hear. Bart, seeing her, does the same thing.

MR. BURNS (muffled, but audible)
I see... I think you had better drop it...

BART (voiceover)
I could hear Mr. Burns already fighting with someone outside... which meant I was too late. Someone else had gotten to him first. I was about to open the door and confront Mr. Burns too, when suddenly...

The door begins to open when a gunshot rings out. Nearby.

BART (voiceover)
When I heard the gunshot, I panicked. There was someone around with a gun, and there was no way I was going to confront that person. So I got the hell outta there. I grabbed Maggie and headed toward the front exit of town hall.

Bart whisks through town hall anxiously, clutching Maggie tightly in his arms. He quickly reaches the main assembly room of the building and rushes out the door.

BART (voiceover)
When I got outside, I saw that Mr. Burns had been shot. It was weird... He was staggering around and talking to Jimbo Jones of all people. Mom was standing outside the entrance, so I decided to bring Maggie to her.

Bart hands Maggie to his mother, who is somewhat surprised to see Bart with the baby.

BART (non-voiceover)
I brought Maggie.

MARGE
Thanks, honey. I was so worried when I heard that gunshot! Did you see the shooter?

BART
Of course I didn't see anything, Mom. I was with Maggie the whole time.

Marge pauses, giving Bart a quizzical look. Obviously, this statement puzzles her.

MARGE
Well, thanks for getting Maggie from the car. I was so worried about her!

And then we cut to the hospital waiting room again.

LISA (confusedly)
Wait a minute... The car? I thought you found Maggie inside the building?

BART
I did. I have no idea why Mom said that.

LISA
Did you ask her?

BART
I was going to, but Mr. Burns had just collapsed on the sundial. Several people began crowding around the body, so we went over there too.

LISA
You could have asked her afterwards.

BART
Yeah, I could've... But after the shooting, Mom was acting kinda weird and distant from me. And then a couple nights ago, when I couldn't sleep, I went to their room to get sleep medicine, and...

As Bart is saying this, Marge rounds the corner of the hallway into the waiting room area. Upon seeing her children, she puts her hands on her hips.

MARGE
There you are! C'mon, it's time to go! Your father has pulled the car around.

LISA (in a low voice, to Bart)
Tell me about it when we get home.

Lisa and Bart depart with their mother for a long (and awkwardly quiet) car ride home.

------------------------------------------------------

The parking lot exit:


The drop-off?


The pick-up?

[Capt Hammer]

Wow, this is really well written, it all works with the original episode(s), it's fantastic.

Well done and i hope to see more.

[Jims]

Thanks ahhgoobras! I appreciate it!

Here's the first part of a long-ish scene. I'm just going to write it in smaller chunks so it doesn't feel like a giant wall of text.

------------------------------------------------

INT, Bart's Treehouse

Bart is sitting in his treehouse, a bored expression on his face. Presently, Lisa's head pops into the frame from the treehouse's doorway, and she climbs in. She struggles to pull herself in, as she is also juggling a miniature dry erase board in one hand and has a dry erase marker gritted in her teeth.

LISA (removing the marker)
You know, Bart... You could've helped me bring this stuff up.

BART
And ruin the Equal Rights Movement for women? You disappoint me, Lis.

LISA
You could've at least stopped poking me with a stick as I climbed!

BART (considering)
Hmmmm... Maybe. I'm really not sure.

Awkward pause.

LISA
Well... I'm here.

BART (playing stupid)
Oh?

LISA
I decided to help you out with the investigation. I thought about what you told me yesterday... And I'm concerned about Mom.

BART
I'm concerned too.

LISA
Even with the cigar box incident, I still can't believe Mom would shoot Mr. Burns. Still... It's a possibility, even if it seems like a remote one. I really don't want to end up putting Mom behind bars over this.

Bart looks at the ceiling (tree branches?) and imagines a spinning newspaper. The headline reads, "KIDS TESTIFY AGAINST SHOOTER MOM" with a subheading that says, "EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS THE BABY". There is also a small self-help article in the corner says, "HOW TO OPEN A CAN OF WORMS."

BART (shrugging off the fantasy newspaper)
But I also want to know who did it... Even if it turns out to be Mom. It's better to know for sure.

LISA
I agree. So we do this. We investigate this shooting. If we figure out who did it, we can come forward with whatever evidence we can get.

BART
And if it turns out to be Mom?

Lisa pauses and makes eye contact with her brother.

LISA
Then we bury it.

[Jims]

(continued from previous scene)

Bart walks over to the whiteboard Lisa setup and starts writing on it.

BART (scribbling away)
Here's what I was thinking. We could start a Mystery Club, just like on Scooby Doo. We already have a dog in Santa's Little Helper, and we've got you too. All we need is a male yuppie, a pair of glasses for you, and then an attractive female.

LISA
Huh? What?

BART
We need a Daphne and a Fred. You can't do Scooby Doo without Daphne and Fred.

LISA (angry)
What does that make me? Velma?

BART
What's wrong? She's the smart one.

LISA
She's also the one that nobody likes!

BART
Again, I ask what's wrong with the scenario?

LISA
Argh!

Lisa grabs the eraser and removes all of Bart's Scooby Doo notes from the whiteboard. She snatches the marker out of Bart's hand and writes the word "SUSPECTS" in large bold letters at the top.

LISA
We're going to solve this mystery ourselves. Besides, who were you going to get for Fred? Milhouse?

Lisa laughs sarcastically as Milhouse's head suddenly pops into view. He climbs into the treehouse, and we can see that he's wearing an orange ascot around his neck. He is also looking particularly cheeky and dimwitted.

MILHOUSE
Let's go investigate a haunted mansion!

BART
Sorry, Milhouse... Lisa doesn't want to do the Scooby Doo idea. Me and her are going to go mystery-solving by ourselves.

MILHOUSE (throwing off the ascot in disgust)
Ah, man! Now I'll never get to wear this thing!

Milhouse despondently climbs down the treehouse ladder.

[Jims]

(continued from previous)

LISA (still at the whiteboard)
We need to come up with a list of suspects.

BART
Oh, that's easy. The whole town wanted his dead.

LISA
That's true. But you're not looking at the big picture. If Maggie isn't the shooter, then Mr. Burns must have a reason for covering up for the actual shooter.

BART
Maybe it's for blackmail?

LISA
He's the richest man in town! How much more money could he want?

BART
He was the richest man in town a week ago, but that didn't stop him from stealing the school's oil!

LISA (considering)
Hmmmmm... I didn't think about the greed factor. Well, then the shooter would have to be someone with lots of money. Who's the second richest person in Springfield?

BART
Krusty the Clown?

LISA (writing "1. KRUSTY THE CLOWN" in the list of suspects)
Right.

BART
You could probably throw in Kent Brockman on the list. He's pretty rich too.

LISA (writing "2. KENT BROCKMAN" on the list)
Good idea. There's also the media aspect for that one. Burns would love to have control over the media.

BART
Why doesn't he just buy up all the media outlets?

LISA (dismissively)
Too expensive... Mr. Burns would never do something like that. He'd rather seize power without having to spend a dime.

Lisa pauses to reflect. She then writes "3. MAYOR QUIMBY" on the list of suspects.

LISA
Burns could want political power too. This would be a cheaper way to buy off Quimby.

BART
Burns doesn't need political power. He already does whatever he wants.

LISA
Do you really think the city's just going to let Mr. Burns block out the sun without their consent?

BART
Why not? We live in America. We have the right to block out whatever we want. It's the, um, 21st Amendment.

LISA (quoting)
"The eighteenth article of the amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed"?

BART
What's the 18th Amendment?

LISA (annoyed)
I'm not going to quote the whole Constitution to you. If the 18th Amendment comes up some day, you'll learn about it.

BART
I don't see why they added a whole new amendment just to cancel a previous one. They could've just crossed stuff out. Or used White-Out.

LISA (ignoring him, back to the whiteboard)
Anyway, we've covered money and political power. Is there anything else with enough power that could've been blackmailed?

BART
How about the police chief?

LISA
Wiggum? But he was heading the investigation! He's not going to uncover clues that would lead to his own arrest!

BART (sarcastic)
Yeah, and he totally did a great job finding the shooter last time...

Lisa shrugs and writes Chief Wiggum as Item #4 on the board.

LISA
Any other ideas for the blackmail angle?

BART (considering)
Hmmmmmm... Well... Nope, I can't think of anything.

LISA (looking at the board)
It's pretty sad there's only 4 people in this whole town worth blackmailing.

Awkward pause. Both Bart and Lisa are pondering new ideas.

BART (having a revelation)
Hey! Maybe the shooter is the one blackmailing Burns!

LISA
What?

BART
Maybe they had something over Burns and Burns didn't pay... So they shot him!

LISA
So instead of revealing the dirt on Burns, they choose to shoot him instead?

BART
Yeah! Sure!

LISA
Do you even know how blackmail works?

BART
Of course I do. Like, for example, if you were going to tell people I don't know what blackmail is, then I'd threaten to punch you in the arm.

LISA
No, according to your theory, I'd be punching you in the arm!

BART
Why would you do that? You're blackmailing me.

Lisa shakes her head in disbelief and gets back to writing.

[Capt Hammer]

Some more funny stuff. Well done!

[Jims]

Thanks again, ahhgoobras.

It's time to kill this scene already and move on with the story.

-------------------------------------------------

LISA
Given your poor grasp of blackmail, we should probably move on. Can we think of any other reason why Burns would cover up for the shooter?

BART
Hmmmm... Maybe Mr. Burns just likes the person who shot him? And doesn't want to turn them in?

LISA
He'd have to like that person a lot to forgive them for shooting him. If Milhouse shot you, would you turn him in?

BART
Probably. He'd learn to enjoy prison, I bet.

LISA
I'm sure. Still, if you'd be willing to turn in your best friend, it would take a really close person to you for you to attempt a cover-up. Especially when we're talking about someone like Mr. Burns.

BART
Well, there's got to be someone.

Awkward pause.

LISA
Does he have any love interests? Any friends at all?

BART
None. Burns is his own best friend.

LISA (brightening)
Hey, that's an idea.

She writes "5. MR. BURNS" on the board.

LISA
Maybe Mr. Burns is covering for himself. Maybe he shot himself and is too embarrassed to admit it.

BART
Yeah, old people are pretty terrible at stuff. Have you ever seen them try to eat pudding? It's a tapioca nightmare, man. I saw Grampa eating pudding one time, and... Hey, what are you doing?

As Bart goes on his Pudding Trip, Lisa has begun crossing Mr. Burns off the list.

LISA (reconsidering)
Although, now that I think about it... Mr. Burns probably isn't strong enough to pull the trigger.

BART
Maybe if he used two hands. I could see the gun flipping around on him.

LISA (leaving the name on)
I guess.

Awkward pause.

BART (standing up to look over the list)
Well, that's a good list. Let's start at the top of the board and move our way down.

Another awkward pause. Lisa looks expectingly at Bart.

LISA
We're still missing one name from the list.

BART
Apu? I'd love Free Squishys for Life myself, but I don't know if Burns would be in to it.

LISA
No, Bart!

BART
Bumblebee Man? But Channel Ocho probably doesn't pay that well.

LISA
Bart! You said earlier that if we were going to investigate this thing, we'd see it all the way through. You're back-pedaling on that promise.

BART (still playing dumb)
Look, Ralph Wiggum has his share of problems but I don't see him shooting a man. Besides, he doesn't know what he's doing.

LISA
It's Mom! We said from the start that she's a major suspect.

BART
Burns would never cover for Mom.

LISA
Bart, you're doing this on purpose! You remember when she worked at the plant for awhile! Burns was head over heels in love with Mom. Remember the private Tom Jones concert?

BART
Fine... Fine... I get it. We'll put her on the list.

Lisa simply writes "MOM" next to Item #6.

LISA
Let's do what you suggested. If it makes you feel better, we'll can start with the top of the list and work our way down. If we still haven't figured it out, then we'll suspect Mom.

BART (still doubtful)
Fine.

Both Bart and Lisa stare at the whiteboard, appraising the list. The final list reads...

SUSPECTS
1. Krusty the Clown
2. Kent Brockman
3. Mayor Quimby
4. Chief Wiggum
5. Mr. Burns
6. Mom

LISA (looking at the board)
Looks like we're taking a trip to Krustylu Studios...

[Jims]

This scene got a little longer than expected. We'll leave the fun stuff for now. The clues and alibis for the next post.

---------------------------------------------------

EXT, Krustylu Studios parking lot

Here we are at Krustylu Studios, where tons of kids are sitting just outside the entrance. It appears that several kids have camped out for the night, Price-Is-Right style. Marge pulls up to the curb of the wacky Kids Entrance to Krustylu studios, and Bart and Lisa climb out excitedly.

MARGE (through the window)
I'll be back in a few hours to pick you up. Enjoy the show!

BART
Thanks, Mom.

Marge speeds away. The Kids Entrance door have opened and the other children have begun filing into the building. The Krusty Koordinators are herding them with colored batons toward the studio entrance.

KRUSTY KOORDINATOR (bored, waving the baton)
Keep on moving, kids. This way. Hey!

Bart grabs the baton out of the Koordinator's hand and runs to the head of the stampede. Using the baton, he starts leading the kids away from the studio and down a backstage hallway. The kids are too excited and unorganized to notice. Their job is simply to follow the baton. There are actually several employees blocking the hallway entrance, but the kids easily trample over them. The camera gratuitously shows the kids' shoes stepping on their faces. Because, hey, even a fanscript needs a pain gag somewhere.

Bart and Lisa are still leading the pack down the hallway.

BART (to Lisa beside him, waving the baton)
I'm just like the Pied Piper!

LISA
You lure children to their doom?

BART
Doom? I thought he delivered the kids to the old woman who lived in the shoe.

LISA
Huh? The old woman in the shoe?

BART
How else did she get all those kids?

LISA (sarcastic)
Wow, you've solved that puzzle. This Mr. Burns mystery will be a snap.

KRUSTY KOORDINATOR (snatching the baton away from Bart)
There you are! This field trip is over! Back to the studio!

The Koordinator leads the kids away down the hallway toward the studio. As they head back, they pass the door to Krusty's dressing room. Bart and Lisa start blending into the crowd, and, as they pass the door, both of them deftly slip inside the dressing room. Nobody notices because the kids are trampling over the same hallway guards who are still blocking the entrance.

Krusty's dressing room is surprisingly neat and tidy, probably thanks to his army of personal assistants. There is a large hamper in the corner, labeled "WACKY WIGS". Bart and Lisa, alone in the room, immediately approach the dressing room vanity and begins searching through the many drawers.

LISA (searching)
These drawers are just full of bills and old gambling debts.

BART (searching)
Mine too.

LISA
It's weird. Over half of these bills are from some place called the "Fellatio Factory."

BART
That's suspicious. I wonder what that is?

LISA
I don't know. It sounds like an Italian Restaurant.

Bart shrugs, and Lisa puts the envelopes back in the vanity drawers and shuts them. Suddenly, two loud knocks come from the door.

LISA (pointing to the hamper)
Bart, jump in the wigs!

Both Bart and Lisa quickly hop into the hamper full of wacky wigs. The door opens and, surprisingly, Milhouse enters the room cautiously. He is creeping toward the hamper of wigs, considering his next move. Impulsively, he hops in the hamper, causing wigs to fly into the air.

BART (Milhouse landing on him, still in the hamper)
Ow! This hamper is occupied!

MILHOUSE
Bart? Lisa? What are you doing here?

LISA (taking an afro wig off her head unamusedly)
Solving a mystery. What are you doing here?

MILHOUSE
I saw you guys sneak in here. So I followed you.

Awkward pause.

MILHOUSE (casually)
Well... Since I'm here... Need some help solving the mystery?

Another awkward pause.

BART & LISA (folding her arms, in unison)
No.

Milhouse climbs out of the hamper sadly and heads for the door. With one hand on the doorknob, he turns to face Bart and Lisa.

MILHOUSE
I'll show you guys. I'm going to solve this mystery waaaaaaay quicker than you. You both had your chance and you blew it.

LISA
Do you even know what we're trying to solve?

MILHOUSE (smoothly)
That's part of the mystery.

BART (digging through the wig hamper)
Good luck with that.

Milhouse bitterly exits the room, closing the door behind him. Lisa watches him leave, as Bart continues rummaging through the hamper.

LISA
Why are you looking through the wigs?

BART
Might be a clue in here. You never know.

Bart spots a wig in the bottom of the hamper and excitedly reaches for it.

BART (placing a large red wig on his head)
Look! I'm Sideshow Bob! I'm so much smarter than a ten year old boy!

LISA
A ten year old boy and his genius sister.

BART (dismissively)
Pffft. She's just his sidekick.

The doorknob to the dressing room begins to jiggle again. The kids immediately stop what they're doing and duck their heads under the pile of wigs, hidden from view. Krusty the Clown enters the room.

[Jims]

Krusty is carrying a black attache case with him. He closes the door and goes to sit at the vanity mirror. He carefully inspects his appearance and straightens his bow tie. As he does this, the phone sitting on the vanity begins ringing. I didn't mention the phone in the previous part, because it needs to be a surprise. That, and it was originally supposed to be his cellphone. But those weren't that common when "Who Shot Mr. Burns" originally came out, so now there's a phone on the desk. Deal with it.

The point is, Krusty picks up the phone.

KRUSTY
Hello?

Bart and Lisa brush aside some wigs so they can hear better. The can hear Krusty just fine, but all they hear is typical phone chatter on the other side of the line.

KRUSTY
Oh, you're here already? That was quick.

Pause.

KRUSTY
Yeah, I'll meet you backstage in a couple minutes. The guards didn't give you any trouble getting in, right?

Pause.

KRUSTY
The money? Yeah, I have it right here.

Krusty plops the attache case on the desk and snaps it open, just to look over it.

KRUSTY
Five grand.

The "muffled phone chatter" on the phone increases in volume.

KRUSTY (annoyed)
Hey, this is all I could come up with at such short notice. Look at it as a down payment.

Pause. More talking.

KRUSTY
OK, that's settled then. Just make sure you don't say a single word to anyone.

Pause.

KRUSTY
That was the agreement. You're not allowed to say anything to anyone.

Pause.

KRUSTY
Absolutely no one.

Pause.

KRUSTY
It's important. If you start running your mouth to everyone, then the deal is off. I'm not paying another dime.

Pause.

KRUSTY
Good. I'll meet you backstage.

Krusty groans, hangs up the phone, and closes the attache case. He adjusts his appearance one last time and exits the room. When the door closes, both Bart and Lisa's heads pop up out of the hamper.

LISA (climbing out)
Did you hear that? We were right. Krusty's being blackmailed.

BART (tumbling out clumsily)
He's meeting him now. We gotta follow him!

Bart opens the door and runs into the hallway. He and Lisa are confronted by two Krusty Koordinators. A large exclamation point appears above the Krusty Koordinators' heads as they spot the kids. They both block the hallway that Krusty just headed down.

KRUSTY KOORDINATOR
Hey, what are you doing back here? C'mon, let's go. The show's about to start.

The Koordinators lead Bart and Lisa down the hallway with their plastic batons toward the studio. They escort the kids to a row in the stands, much like a movie usher would. Bart and Lisa begrudgingly take their seats and watch the ending of the pre-show.

BART (whispering to Lisa)
You know, it might not have been Mr. Burns on the phone.

LISA
Who else could it have been?

BART
A celebrity like Krusty is probably being blackmailed by five or ten people by now.

LISA
Well, we'll never know for sure now.

Lisa points to a Krusty Koordinator nearby, who is still staring at the kids, making sure they stay put. When Bart looks over at him, he points his lighted baton at them menacingly.

DIRECTOR (on stage)
All right, kids! And now, Springfield's favorite charlatan... Krusty the Clown!

All the kids in the audience applaud wildly as the curtain rises. Krusty comes careening though the curtain on a unicycle, circling the stage wildly. He chases Sideshow Mel for a couple laps until Mel runs frantically for the nearest stage exit. Krusty dismounts off the unicycle and tosses it toward one of the cameras, smashing it to bits.

Seeing the destroyed camera, Krusty switches to face Camera 2, like any consummate entertainer would.

KRUSTY
Hey hey, kids! We've got a great show for you today! We've got Sideshow Mel visiting a pie factory! We've got the Mr. Teeny Olympics! We've got...

As Krusty goes through his usual opening segment, Bart whispers to Lisa.

BART
What are we going to do?

LISA
I guess we'll have to find out who has the attache case now.

BART
Hmmm... Seems difficult.

LISA
Well, we can't just ask Krusty who's blackmailing him.

BART
We could ask him if he shot Mr. Burns instead.

LISA (frustrated)
I give up. We'll have to guess who the money was going to.

KRUSTY (still in his intro)
...And, last but not least, making his grand debut on the Krusty the Clown Show... Mickey the Mime!

The audience applauds loudly as a stereotypical mime runs onstage. He immediately goes through the typical mime shtick, beginning by putting Krusty in a box.

KRUSTY
Oh, no! He's putting me in a box!

The cheering dies down a little.

KRUSTY (leadingly)
I hope he opens the door to let me out!

The mime, um, mimes the motion of opening a door to the imaginary box. Krusty steps through it.

KRUSTY (doggedly)
Phew. I thought I was a trapped forever. Is that a climbing rope I see over there?

As the mime goes to "climb the rope", the audience cheering almost completely stops. The kids in the audience watch awkwardly, trying to figure out if the mime is entertaining or not. Even after only ten seconds, you can tell Krusty is already over this sketch. He hails the director.

KRUSTY (muttering)
Worst five grand I've ever spent.

[Jims]

Last scene of Act 2. Figured we may as well finish this act with a bang.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

INT, The Simpsons family room

Bart is sitting on the couch watching some TV. Maggie, sitting on the floor, is playing with some blocks. Lisa, still wearing her jacket, enters the room.

LISA (taking off her jacket)
I just got back from the news station.

BART
Awesome. I've been watching Maggie.

Lisa looks down at Maggie, who has shoved two orange building blocks in her mouth. Lisa sighs and remove them.

BART
How was it? Did you have any trouble getting Brockman to talk?

LISA
It was surprisingly easy. When he saw me, he mistook me for the makeup girl. I didn't know what else to say, so I went along with it.

BART (pointing to the TV)
That explains why Santa's delivering the news.

Kent Brockman's is reading off a "Kent's People" segment, his face disfigured by about a metric ton of face makeup and two gallons of blush on both of his cheeks. He is proceeding through the telecast as if nothing is wrong. Muffled laughter can be heard in the background.

LISA (defensive)
I'm eight! I don't know how to apply makeup yet!

BART
Did you have to apply four layers of it?

LISA
It took awhile to get the story out of him.

BART
Go on...

LISA
Well, to make a long story short, he says he was with the mayor after the meeting.

BART
The mayor? Doing what?

LISA
He wouldn't tell me. He just said he had important business in the mayor's office.

BART
Sounds like he's having an affair with the mayor to me.

LISA
An affair?

BART (pointing at the TV)
Hey, the guy wears makeup.

LISA (ignoring him)
Well, we're going to have to corroborate his alibi when we talk to the mayor tomorrow. What have you been up to anyway?

BART
I told you. I've been watching Maggie. And thinking.

LISA (eyes rolling)
And failing both jobs.

BART
I was thinking about how Maggie ended up inside the town hall exit. The shooter obviously put her there.

LISA
Seems like a safe bet.

BART
By getting rid of Maggie, the culprit got rid of an eye-witness to the shooting. With her out of the picture, there was no one around that could point him out.

LISA
Right.

BART
The police questioned Maggie about who shot Mr. Burns, but even she couldn't answer the question for sure. She wasn't actually there.

LISA
Agreed.

BART
So let's ask the right question. Maybe we should just ask her who dropped her off in the building?

LISA
That's a good idea. But how is Maggie going to tell us? All she can say is "daddy" and, unless Dad is the shooter, she won't be able to help us.

BART
Hmmmm... Good point.

Bart and Lisa both ponder this problem for a moment. Bart snaps his fingers in sudden realization and jumps off the couch. He runs up the stairs to his room and comes galloping back down with a large poster in his hand. He unfurls it in front of her.



(This is called a meta-joke, folks)

LISA
I remember that. Instead of doing a Census that year, they took a group photo.

BART (laying the poster on the floor)
All Maggie has to do is point to the person's face who moved her.

Maggie looks at the poster interestedly.

BART (leadingly)
OK, Maggie... All you have to do is point to the person who picked you up at the town hall meeting.

Seeing the sea of faces in front of her, Maggie is daunted by this task. She scans the sea of faces uneasily, trying to pick out familiar faces in the crowd. Unsure as to what she should do, Maggie's finger eventually lands on Marge's face.

LISA
Mom?!?!?

BART (annoyed)
I can't believe it!

LISA
This is getting sick.

BART
Of course she's going to point at the one picture I don't want her to! Of course she would!

LISA (grumbling)
At this rate, we'll uncover video evidence of Mom shooting Burns.

BART
You know what? I should've followed our family motto!

LISA
What's that?

BART
Quit while you're ahead!

Lisa folds her arms.

BART (sarcastically, to Maggie)
Maggie, got any more evidence on our family? Did Dad and Lisa participate in the shooting too? Maybe Santa's Little Helper? Snowball? Next you're going to tell me that I shot Mr. Burns too! We all did it! Every single one of us!

Maggie looks down at the poster one more time, scanning the faces in the crowd, trying to see if there is another face she remembers. Her finger passes over several faces in the crowd, not settling on a single one. She finally gives up on this task and looks up at her siblings sadly in failure. A lone teardrop falls from her eyelids.

LISA (picking Maggie up, consoling her)
Bart! You jerk!

Bart storms away angrily toward his room.

LISA (calling after him)
You started it, Bart! You wanted to know the truth! And now you're running away!

Bart pauses at the top of the staircase, considering this statement. Suddenly realizing what an ass he was being, he hangs his head and skulks away to his room, shutting the door behind him quietly.

[End of Act 2]

[Jims]

EXT, Springfield Elementary schoolyard

It's recess time at Springfield Elementary. All of the kids are attacking the usual stuff: the jungle gym, the swing-set, the teeter-totters, each other, etc. Bart and Milhouse walk across the blacktop area, looking for something to do.

MILHOUSE (eagerly, leadingly)
Did you solve your mystery yet?

BART
Yeah.

MILHOUSE
What did you find out?

BART
What I already suspected.

Pause.

BART
Did you solve the mystery too?

MILHOUSE (smoothly)
Oh yeah, it was a breeze.

BART
Oh, so you found the treasure?

MILHOUSE (startled)
The treasure? What?

BART
I've already said too much.

MILHOUSE (even more smoothly)
Oh, I already heard where it is. I'm gonna go get it after school.

BART
Why would you wait until after school? I heard it was hidden in the teachers' lounge.

Milhouse gets an excited look on his face.

BART
Oops! Now I've said too much.

Milhouse immediately sprints toward the school.

MILHOUSE (running, off in the distance)
That treasure is as good as mine!

Bart still wanders aimlessly around the blacktop. He passes by the basketball hoops, where the typical schoolyard bullies, Dolph, Kearney, and Jimbo are standing around.

DOLPH (calling out)
Watch out, everyone! Here comes Bart Simpson, the most dangerous kid in school.

KEARNEY
Yeah! If you make him mad, he'll have his baby sister shoot you in the face!

JIMBO (getting on his knees, begging)
Please, Bart, please... Don't sic your baby sister on us!

BART (deadpan, unamused)
That's right. Maggie's going to shoot you dead.

KEARNEY
Dead? Your baby sister didn't kill anyone. Burns is still alive.

DOLPH
Yeah, if my baby sister shot someone, she'd finish the job.

KEARNEY
You don't have a baby sister, Dolph.

DOLPH (punching Kearney in the arm, whispery)
Shut up, Kearney!

JIMBO (braggy)
Your sister was badass. I was there that night, and I actually saw her shoot Mr. Burns.

Bart puts a hand on his hip, unconvinced.

BART (drily)
You saw her?

JIMBO
Oh yeah, Mr. Burns went over to her in the car and she just snatched it out of his hand and shot him up, all Rambo style!

DOLPH
Whoa!

JIMBO
I was standing around, just watching the whole thing. And then Maggie got out of the car and started shooting him some more!

KEARNEY
Awesome!

JIMBO (to Bart)
Your mom was totally lame. She walked into the courtyard and was all, (imitating Marge) "Where is everyone?" and "I'm looking for my loser son, Bart". And right after she said that, the shooting began. And then Mr. Burns came out all shot up, and was all like, "Help me, Jimbo." And I'm like, "No way, man."

BART
Wait a minute, what?

JIMBO
Mr. Burns was stumbling around with his guts all hanging out.

BART
No, about my Mom. What did you say about her?

JIMBO
She was just standing around, being all lame.

KEARNEY
I thought you told me that she's hot.

JIMBO (punching Kearney in the arm, whispering)
Shut up, Kearney...

BART
You said that she was in front of the courtroom when you heard the shooting?

JIMBO
Uh, yeah. Why?

BART
Are you sure? You're not just messing with me?

JIMBO
She was there. Being all lame.

BART
This is serious. I need to know for sure.

KEARNEY (belligerent)
Hey, are you questioning Jimbo's story?!?!

The bullies suddenly surround Bart, towering over him menacingly.

DOLPH
Yeah, he's totally doubting his veracity.

Jimbo, Kearney, and even Bart stare at Dolph awkwardly, wondering where this vocabulary came from. After that momentary pause, the bullies close in on Bart.

BART (cowering)
I just needed to know for sure...

Smash cut to Bart climbing out of the school dumpster, trash littered throughout his hair.

[Jims]

INT, Springfield Elementary school bus

The school bus is blazing through the Springfield streets, ignoring any stop lights or general driving procedures. Because it's moving, the wheels on the bus go round and round. The kids on the bus go... Um, well, they're yelling and making each other feel bad about themselves. You know, the regular stuff. Bart is sitting next to Lisa, talking a mile a minute.

BART
So that means, according to Jimbo, that Mom couldn't have shot Mr. Burns.

LISA
Do you believe him?

BART
Well, he made up a lot of stuff about actually seeing Maggie repeatedly shoot Mr. Burns.

LISA
If he was standing in front of town hall with Mom, there's no way he could've seen anything.

BART
That's true. The parking lot is in the back.

LISA
Regarding Mom, do you really want to rely that heavily on Jimbo's word?

BART
I believe him. It doesn't seem like the kind of lie he would make up.

LISA (looks unconvinced still)
You're probably right.

BART
So, what's our next move?

Lisa peers out the window and sees they are passing by Town Hall.

LISA
The Mayor's Office?

BART (standing up)
Hey, Otto! Stop the bus!

The bus screeches to a halt, causing several cars behind them to swerve into fire hydrants and light poles. Hans Moleman, of course, crashes into a brick wall and explodes. Bart and Lisa step off the bus and walk across the front lawn of town hall. Eddie and Lou are both kneeling at the sundial, earnestly scrubbing off Burns' chalk outline. Bart and Lisa walk on by, and enter the building. The Mayor's Office is on the second floor, so they head for the stairwell.

BART (climbing the stairs)
Do you think the police should be washing out one of the clues?

LISA
Well, from their point of view, the case is closed.

BART
It doesn't matter. It was a stupid clue at the time.

LISA (defensively)
Stupid? I thought the M.S. initials made a lot of sense.

BART
That's just because you were the one who figured it out. Mr. Burns himself said that the theory was full of crap. It doesn't mean anything.

LISA (grumbling)
At least I was trying to solve the mystery...

BART
Hey, I tried to tell you at the time that Maggie didn't do it, but you didn't listen.

LISA (not wanting to hear it anymore)
Look, we've arrived at the Mayor's Office.

Bart and Lisa enter the waiting room of the Mayor's Office. A secretary sits behind a desk reading a magazine. The door to Quimby's office is closed.

BART
Hi, we'd like to speak to the Mayor.

SECRETARY
I'm sorry, but the Mayor is in an important meeting right now.

The speaker on the desk lights up.

MAYOR QUIMBY (through the speaker)
Miriam, I'm ready for my afternoon sombrero!

The secretary rolls her eyes and pulls a large sombrero from behind the desk. Mayor Quimby opens his office door and approaches the secretary, who places it on his head. The mayor goes back into his office and closes the door behind him.

BART (puzzled)
An afternoon sombrero?

LISA (facepalm)
I don't want to know...

MAYOR QUIMBY (opening the door quickly, poking his head through)
By the way, Miriam, I've left the office for the evening.

The secretary sits back down and folds her hands on the desk.

SECRETARY
I'm sorry, but the mayor has left the office.

BART
Is he coming back?

SECRETARY (looking nervously at the speaker)
I'm not sure.

LISA
Can we leave a message for him?

SECRETARY
I don't see why not.

LISA (loudly, toward the door)
Tell him that we missed him the other day after the town hall meeting, the night Burns was shot. We were supposed to meet him that night, but he didn't show up. We want to know what happened to him.

SECRETARY (stopping writing)
What do you mean? The Mayor went straight to his office after the meeting.

BART
He did?

SECRETARY
He had a meeting with... Let me see... (goes through the day planner) Kent Brockman and Superintendent Chalmers.

LISA
Why?

SECRETARY
I'm afraid I don't have that information. All the planner says is "Important Meeting: No Attache Cases Needed".

BART
Did they all stay in the office?

SECRETARY
Well, no, actually. They all arrived together, but Superintendent Chalmers had to leave unexpectingly before going inside. The Mayor and Mr. Brockman went into the office.

BART
Thanks.

Bart and Lisa exit the Mayor's office area and head straight for the stairs.

LISA
Well, unless she's lying, the Mayor and Brockman are out of it.

BART
She didn't really strike me as being a good liar.

LISA (eyes rolling)
That's for sure. It was weird that Superintendent Chalmers left before entering the office. Didn't you mention passing him in the downstairs hallway after getting the toiler paper?

BART
Yeah, but he was coming from the parking lot exit, not toward it.

LISA
That's possible if he took this stairwell. See?

Lisa gestures to their surroundings. They are now standing near the parking lot exit where Bart found Maggie that night.

BART
Do you think he'd have enough time to shoot Mr. Burns?

LISA
Well, there's only one way to find out...

[Jims]

This is "Episode Recap" segment, in case you've lost track of where everyone is. Every mystery needs the "find what's wrong with the detectives' theory" chapter.

-----------------------------------------------

INT, Town Hall

It's time for a music montage! But a really short one, maybe lasting 20 seconds max. The music is the theme to "The Benny Hill Show". Or, if all you ever watch is The Simpsons, it's that Helen Fielding music from "A Star is Born - Again".

Bart and Lisa (in fast motion!) are running down the halls repeatedly of town hall. Lisa is holding a stopwatch in her hand. They run upstairs to the Mayors Office, and downstairs to the parking lot entrance. They run around the outside of the building clockwise, they run around counter-clockwise. They jump off the meeting stage for good measure. They run to the men's bathroom. Lisa runs out.

INT, Bart's Treehouse

Bart is sitting on the floor, while Lisa is standing at the whiteboard, writing the word "TIMELINE" in big bold letters.

LISA
All right, now that we know the possible routes in the building, let's map out the timeline. What happened first?

BART
Burns blocks out the sun and leaves through the front door.

Lisa writes "1. BURNS LEAVES" on the board. For the sake of convenience, I'm going to keep continuing the list, instead of talking about what Lisa writes all the time. Because the other way is too wordy, and people don't want to spend too much time reading non-dialogue portions. People tend to get tired of reading that stuff and squirrels are your masters don't read the ending of these portions.

LISA
Right. So where do other people go?

BART
Brockman, Quimby, and Chalmers go upstairs to his office. I go to the men's bathroom to get toilet paper. Mom goes to the car to drop Maggie off.

1. BURNS LEAVES
2A. BROCKMAN. QUIMBY, CHALMERS GO UPSTAIRS
2A. BART GOES TO MEN'S BATHROOM
2A. MOM GOES TO CAR

LISA
This is assuming Jimbo's not lying about Mom. For this scenario, we'll assume he's telling the truth. In that case, we know Marge dropped off Maggie before Burns got to the parking lot.

1. BURNS LEAVES
2A. BROCKMAN. QUIMBY, CHALMERS GO UPSTAIRS
2A. BART GOES TO MEN'S BATHROOM
2A. MOM GOES TO CAR

3 BURNS ARRIVES AT PARKING LOT

LISA
What next?

BART
Chalmers excuses himself for some reason and heads downstairs. Mom leaves Maggie in the car and goes to the front of town hall.

LISA
And Skinner enters the bathroom and holds you up for awhile.

1. BURNS LEAVES
2A. BROCKMAN. QUIMBY, CHALMERS GO UPSTAIRS
2B. BART GOES TO MEN'S BATHROOM
2C. MOM GOES TO CAR
3A. CHALMERS GOES BACK DOWNSTAIRS
3B. SKINNER ENTERS BATHROOM
3C. MOM LEAVES MAGGIE

4. BURNS ARRIVES AT PARKING LOT

BART
Skinner finally lets me go, and I pass Chalmers in the hallways.

1. BURNS LEAVES
2A. BROCKMAN. QUIMBY, CHALMERS GO UPSTAIRS
2B. BART GOES TO MEN'S BATHROOM
2C. MOM GOES TO CAR
3A. CHALMERS GOES BACK DOWNSTAIRS
3B. SKINNER ENTERS BATHROOM, STALLS BART
3C. MOM LEAVES MAGGIE
4A+B. BART LEAVES BATHROOM, PASSES CHALMERS

5. BURNS ARRIVES AT PARKING LOT

LISA
Then, you go down the hallway and find Maggie. And just a few seconds later, you hear Mr. Burns arrive at the parking lot.

1. BURNS LEAVES
2A. MOM GOES TO CAR
2B. BROCKMAN. QUIMBY, CHALMERS GO UPSTAIRS
2C. BART GOES TO MEN'S BATHROOM
3A. MOM LEAVES MAGGIE
3B. CHALMERS GOES BACK DOWNSTAIRS
3C. SKINNER ENTERS BATHROOM, STALLS BART
4B+C. BART LEAVES BATHROOM, PASSES CHALMERS
5. BART FINDS MAGGIE AT DOOR
6. BURNS ARRIVES AT PARKING LOT

Lisa steps away from the board. Both Bart and Lisa stare at the board, considering what they've learned. Then, Lisa clues in the audience to what they're doing.

LISA
So what have we learned?

BART
That Burns walks slowly. Like, really slowly. Like, slow enough for Mom to do almost two laps around the outside of the building.

LISA
I mean, what did we learn about the shooter?

BART (pointing to Sections 2 and 3)
We know that "someone" showed up after Mom drops off Maggie. It had to happen before #5 when I found her.

LISA
So it happened when you were talking to Skinner, and Chalmers was walking around.

BART
Do you think Chalmers could've moved her?

LISA
Well, we timed it out, and it's possible... He would've had to go into a full sprint, though. He would've had to run down the stairs, hang a right to the parking lot, grab Maggie, and run inside in time to pass you by.

BART
But why? Why would he do that if he can't be the shooter? He was walking away from that direction, as if he took a left from the stairs.

LISA (looking out the window, thoughtfully)
It doesn't make sense...

BART (tapping #4 and #5)
We definitely know the shooter was in the parking lot by the time I was in the hallway.

LISA
Everything seemed to happen while you were arguing with Skinner in the bathroom.

BART
Now that you mention it, this whole mystery is Skinner's fault! If he would've just let me go, I would've caught the shooter red-handed!

LISA
Are you going to blame Skinner for everything?

BART (grumbling)
I will now.

LISA (deadpan, squinting her eyes)
It's gonna rain tomorrow.

BART
He's doing his rain dance right now, I bet.

LISA
He's not God!

BART (considering)
Hmmmm, he'll probably need Flanders' help. It's a conspiracy!

LISA
Stop talking about Skinner. Besides holding you up, he has nothing to do with the crime!

BART
Fine.

Bart pauses, takes a step back from the whiteboard, and puts his hand on his chin.

BART
What I can't believe is that no one saw anything. Between Mom and Burns walking around the outside of the building... And Chalmers and me walking around the inside of the building... It's almost as if...

Bart pauses again.

BART
I dunno. A complex crime like this should have more evidence.

LISA
Maybe we don't have all the evidence?

BART
Well, we still have to interview Wiggum! Let's go.

LISA
Nah, let's go later. It looks like it's about to rain.

Soft thunder can be heard in the distance. Bart walks over to the treehouse entrance and looks out.

BART (shaking his fist)
Skiiiiiiiinner!!!

[Jims]

We're almost through. Here's another scene where we refute one particular piece of evidence from the original episode. This is honestly my favorite clue in the whole thing, since it's something from the original episodes (as well as Maggie's appearance at the sundial) that doesn't really vibe with the Maggie solution.

--------------------------------------------------------

INT, Springfield police station

Bart and Lisa enter the building and observe that the place is bustling with activity. Several cops hurry about, moving from desk to desk, and alternatively picking up and slamming down their phones. It almost resembles a scene out of "Lethal Weapon", minus any sort of competence. And Danny Glover.

Bart and Lisa approach a desk.

LISA
Can we talk to Chief Wiggum?

The nondescript policeman points to an office and the two kids amble over there. Chief Wiggum is lounging behind his desk, his feet propped up on the desk.

LISA
Hey, Chief Wiggum.

CHIEF WIGGUM (not bothering to un-relax)
Hello children.

LISA
Do you have some time for an interview?

WIGGUM
I've got all the time in the world. After solving the Burns shooting, I'm on Easy Street for the next month.

BART
Why's that?

WIGGUM
Oh, we have to solve at least one crime per month. I've hit my quota, so I'm done.

BART
For solving the Burns mystery?

WIGGUM (smugly)
That's right.

Bart is about to say something argumentative, but Lisa nudges him and cuts in.

LISA
Well, that's what we're here to talk about. We're doing a school project on crime solving, so we went straight to the source. We want to hear about how you figured out Maggie shot Mr. Burns.

Wiggum swings his feet off the desk and sits up straight, regaining his professionalism. Or as good as Wiggum is able to do.

WIGGUM
I'll tell ya, kids... The key to solving any great mystery is looking at the evidence.

BART
Ohhhhhh... Like the Simpsons DNA.

WIGGUM
Exactly. When we found the DNA on Burns' suit, it really narrowed our suspect list. And then, when we found the gun, I was sure.

LISA
The gun?

WIGGUM
That leads me to the next point. Never trust the evidence.

BART (confused)
But you just told us to look at the evidence!

WIGGUM
Oh, you look at the first clue, but the second one is always a red tuna.

LISA (correcting)
Herring.

WIGGUM
No thanks, I brought my lunch. Anyway, when we found your dad's fingerprints on the gun, I knew they were faked.

BART (still unamused)
Even though you still arrested Homer?

WIGGUM
That was Eddie and Lou's idea. They outvoted me.

Bart and Lisa look at each other dubiously.

LISA
You didn't trust the evidence because you found Maggie's fingerprints later.

WIGGUM
Of course not. We dusted it for prints right at your house. Only your father's fingerprints appeared.

LISA
Wait, only dad's? You didn't find Maggie's?

BART
Or Mr. Burns' fingerprints? It was his gun, after all.

WIGGUM (clearly surprised by this deduction, but playing it smooth)
That's right... Only your father's fingerprints. I quickly realized that the gun must've been wiped. And who could've wiped the gun? Maggie Simpson! Because babies haven't developed fingerprints yet!

BART
...Or it was Homer, since his fingerprints were on the gun.

WIGGUM
No, remember what I said, the second clue is always faked.

BART
Why the second clue?

WIGGUM
Because it comes after the first clue.

LISA (tired of this backward logic)
Why didn't you catch the shooter at the time? Where were you that night?

WIGGUM (importantly)
Official police business. Me and Eddie and Lou were on the meeting hall stage, putting away the sound equipment from after the meeting.

BART
Doesn't the mayor have staff members to do that?

WIGGUM
We do all the sound system stuff for the government. Meetings, bugging phone lines, secret microphones. That kind of thing. This conversation is actually being recorded right now. The microphone is right here!

Wiggum grabs a normal looking mug and moves it across the desk. It makes a horrible squealing "microphone noise". Bart and Lisa cover their ears.

WIGGUM (moving the mug back)
Anyway, that was how I solved the crime.

BART
Were there any other clues that you found, aside from the fingerprints?

WIGGUM
Nah, not really. Everything else we did was talking to people about stuff.

LISA
Well, thank you very much for talking with us. We have learned a lot about crime solving.

WIGGUM (putting his feet up again)
Any time.

Wiggum picks up his coffee mug absent-mindedly, and a horrible microphone squeal is emitted again. Bart and Lisa cover their ears and exit the office.

LISA
Did you hear that, Bart?

BART (still covering his ears)
What?

Lisa removes Bart's hands from his ears.

LISA
Did you hear what he said about the fingerprints?

BART
Yeah. Whoever shot Mr. Burns wiped all the fingerprints afterwards.

LISA
Or they used gloves!

BART
Gloves? Who would bring gloves to a town hall meeting?

LISA
I don't know. Maybe a doctor or an entertainer would... Or maybe it was someone with a handkerchief or something they could cover their hands with while still gripping the gun.

BART
Hmmmmmm...

LISA
We do know one thing now about the crime.

BART
What's that?

LISA
We have the worst police force in the country.

BART
That's for sure.

[Capt Hammer]

Still Fantastic! Good work.

[Jims]

Thanks again, ahhgoobras.

I have one, maybe two more scenes to go before posting the solution. Maybe I won't post the solution at all.

---------------------------------------------

INT, Springfield Nuclear Power Plant

Bart and Lisa are standing outside the double doors to Mr. Burns' office. This is the version of "outside Burns' office" that was in Homer the Smithers, which has Smithers' desk and filing cabinet outside the door. Smithers, however, is nowhere to be seen.

LISA
Where's Smithers? He was supposed to tell Burns we were coming to see him. Burns will never see us unannounced.

BART (shrugging)
I 'unno.

Lisa sighs frustratedly and walks over to Smithers' desk. She grabs the desk telephone and immediately dials Smithers' phone number. After a couple rings, Smithers picks up the phone and the imaginary TV screen that we're watching splits in half, so we can see both sides of the conversation. Smithers is lying on his couch, his arm reaching across his end table to grab the phone.

SMITHERS
Hello?

LISA
Smithers? It's me, Lisa. Why aren't you at work?

SMITHERS
Mr. Burns gave me a couple days off to recover from my alcoholism. My shaky hands ended up spilling three cups of tea on him yesterday.

LISA
Three times?

SMITHERS
Mr. Burns insists on a cup of tea three times a day.

LISA
Uh-huh.

SMITHERS
He was reading a book about Victorian England recently and learned about Tea Time. Now he insists on out English-ing the English by drinking tea three times a day. He has been going through the London phone books, calling people to inform them about how far behind he's left them. It was funny when he wanted me to call Lord Wellington to tell him...

LISA (covering the phone, aside to Bart)
He's going on and on about Burns...

Burns twirls his finger in the "get to the point" gesture. Smithers finishes his long-winded and uninteresting anecdote.

LISA
That's nice. So you're not coming in today?

SMITHERS
Sorry. Mr. Burns told me not to come in until I can pour a cup of tea correctly.

LISA
All right. Thanks anyway.

Lisa hangs up the phone.

BART
So now what do we do? If we just go into the office without notice, Mr. Burns will kick us out.

LISA
We'll just have to fake it. Bart, can you do a Smithers impression?

BART
Well, I can try.

Bart steps to the intercom and presses the red button. Lisa, meanwhile, eyes the desk drawers.

BART (doing a surprisingly good rendition of Smithers)
Mr. Burns, some school children are here to interview you about your recent escape from death.

MR. BURNS (via intercom)
Good, send them in.

Bart heads over to the double-doors, but Lisa remains at Smithers' desk. She has opened a drawer of the desk.

BART (motioning)
C'mon.

LISA (looking in a drawer)
Maybe we can make the most of Smithers not being here today. You go interview Mr. Burns and I'll see if Mr. Burns have been sending out any letters lately...

BART
Ah, the blackmail angle. Good idea.

Lisa pulls out a few envelopes from the drawer and begins searching through them. Bart enters Mr. Burns' office. He enters somewhat timidly, always aware that a giant hole could appear beneath his feet with a simple press of a button. He looks about the room and notices the words "I AM HOMER SIMPSON" spray-painted on one of the walls. Bart takes a deep breath and approaches Mr. Burns' desk.

BART (cheerfully)
Hi, Mr. Burns! I'm here on a school report about your brush with death.

BURNS (bored)
Oh really?

BART (still cheerful)
Yeah, really! I'm thinking about titling it "Montgomery Burns: Punching Death in the Face".

BURNS (perking up)
Ooooh, sounds interesting. Ask away.

BART
Well... Um... Have you ever been shot before?

BURNS
Never. Lyndon Johnson took a potshot at me once, but I've never been hit.

BART (casually)
So, how did it happen? Did you have an accident when handling your gun?

BURNS
An accident? An accomplished sharpshooter like myself? Never.

BART
Are you sure?

BURNS (taken aback by his insistence)
I'm perfectly sure. It happened as I said at the hospital that it did. Maggie Simpson shot me.

BART
What happened before you got shot?

BURNS
Oh, I was taking a stroll after the meeting. It was so nice to take an evening stroll at 3 PM.

BART
Did you meet anyone on your stroll?

BURNS
Not a soul.

BART
Are you positive? The town hall meeting broke up around five minutes to 3, and you landed on the sundial at 3 PM exactly.

BURNS (considering)
Now that I think about it... I do remember something... I had stopped momentarily to admire the lamp posts outside of town hall...

BART (confused)
The lamp posts?

BURNS
Oh, yes. Shortly after inspecting them, I thought I heard a gunshot. I was startled for a moment and looked about... But I didn't see anyone. After deliberating for a little while, I decided it must have been a car backfiring or something similar.

BART
So you continued on your way?

BURNS
Precisely.

BART
Are you sure you didn't meet anyone else in the parking lot, aside from Maggie?

Bart studies Mr. Burns face carefully to detect whether or not he is lying. Mr. Burns looks toward the ceiling, considering the question. He puts his hand on his chin, partially covering his mouth, in what one would normally consider the typical "someone is thinking" position. He glances at the floor a couple times. He removes his hand from his chin.

BURNS
Well...

BART (leaning forward)
Yes?

Burns shrugs his shoulders and straightens up in his chair, looking like the usual cocky tyrant he is.

BURNS (decidedly)
I saw no one.

BART
Oh. Well, thanks for letting me talk to you about your experience. I'll send you the final draft of the report.

BURNS (dismissively)
See that you do.

Bart exits Burns' office and finds Lisa sitting at Smithers' desk. She has piled a bunch of envelopes and papers on top of the desk.

BART
Did you find anything?

LISA
Most all of it was official work stuff. A bunch of safety warnings and pink slips. The usual things. I did find a couple strange ones, though.

Lisa hands Bart three envelopes. The first two envelopes appear to be written by hand, sporting the elaborate penmanship that Burns regularly employs. The first one is addressed to "Apu" with the address as simply "Convenience Mart". The second is addressed to "Barney" with the address, "Bowla-rama". Both of them are marked with a "Return to Sender" stamp on them.

BART
Interesting. Why is he sending letters to Apu and Barney?

He glances at the third envelope, which is addressed to Mr. Burns. It is a plain white envelope with no return address on it. The only distinguishing feature is in the top-right left corner, where the return address normally would be. There is a small picture of a red cigar-chewing fish flexing his bicep.

BART
What's this?

LISA (shrugging her shoulders)
I have no idea.

BART
Was there a letter inside?

LISA
Nope. It's weird that he would keep the envelope around afterwards. After reading a letter, who keeps the opened envelope around?

BART
I wonder what's up with that symbol in the corner. It looks like an angry fish.

LISA (looking around anxiously)
I'm not sure. But I do know one thing. We better get this stuff back in Smithers' desk before Burns notices any of this missing.

BART
All right. I'll tell you what Burns said on the way home.

Bart and Lisa pile all the papers and envelopes back in the desk drawers and depart. As they traverse the labyrinth of power plant hallways, a ceiling camera rotates around, following their path. Mr. Burns, in his office, is standing in front of his old black-and-white security monitors, watching them leave the building.

[Jims]

INT, Bart's Treehouse

Lisa is once again standing in front of the white board, with Bart lounging about by the window. The whiteboard has the same list of suspects as before. As Bart looks on, Lisa grabs the marker and begins scribbling off the board.

SUSPECTS
1. Krusty the Clown
2. Kent Brockman
3. Mayor Quimby
4. Chief Wiggum
5. Mr. Burns
6. Mom

LISA (briskly, crossing off the suspects one-by-one)
All right. We know Kent Brockman and Mayor Quimby are out of it, since Quimby's secretary saw them in his office. Wiggum's out too, as he was with the other officers. We know Mom's innocent too, as Jimbo saw her walking around the front of city hall.

BART
That just leaves Krusty and Mr. Burns.

LISA
And a dead-end. We never got an alibi for Krusty... And I don't think either of us could ever get Mr. Burns to confess it was his fault.

BART
Yeah, he didn't even budge on his story at all.

LISA
Did he look like he was lying?

BART
It's weird. I watched him closely when he was considering it, and it seemed like there was something he was keeping back from me. At the end, he seemed like he was going to say something... But when I prompted him, he went back to his original story.

LISA
That's odd. It's almost like Mr. Burns has decided he doesn't want anyone to know who really shot him.

BART (frustrated)
The whole thing is stupid.

LISA
Stupid?

BART
Here we are, trying to solve a mystery about who shot an annoying stupid man, who is doing everything to prevent us from solving the mystery. I don't even know anymore why we're even trying.

LISA (pointing to the board)
Because we wanted to clear Mom. And we did that already, thanks to Jimbo.

BART
Well, then what are we doing still? Screw Mr. Burns and whoever shot him. If Mr. Burns wants the answer to stay secret, then fine.

LISA (slightly aback)
But we always solve this stuff. That's just what we do. What would people think if we didn't solve the mystery?

BART
What would who think? Nobody knows we're even doing this. Let the world think Maggie did it. I don't care.

LISA (exasperated)
So, what are you saying?

Bart walks over to the window, leaning against it. He peers out the window toward the Flanders' backyard, and sighs quietly.

BART (more composed)
...Let's take a break from this mystery.

Lisa puts the cap on the marker in finality.

LISA (uncertainly, picking up the whiteboard)
All right... Well then, I'm going back to my room.

Lisa begins climbing down the treehouse ladder, the whiteboard pinned under her left arm. Bart follows her down.

BART (climbing down)
I think I'm going to take a bike ride to clear my head.

Lisa crosses the backyard and enters the kitchen door. Bart walks around the side of the house, heading toward the garage. As he turns the corner, he sees the family sedan parked in the driveway. He sees Maggie sitting in the car seat, with Marge at her side securing some of the seatbelt straps. Once they're fastened, Marge departs to grab something from the house.

Bart looks on from around the corner of the house.

BART (to himself)
Geez, everywhere I go, I'm reminded of the shooting. I thought I said I wanted a break.

Bart strolls to the passenger side of the car. He rests his elbow on the passenger window and leans against the car casually, much like a bartender propped against a bar counter.

BART
So, Maggie, shoot any Mr. Burnses lately?

Maggie looks down at the floor sadly.

BART
Hey, don't worry. I believe you didn't shoot him, even if the whole town thinks you did.

Maggie perks up a little.

BART (playfully)
Guess who I am, Maggie? I'm the shooter!

Bart runs around to the back of the car and starts tapping the trunk of the car. Maggie watches him through the rearview mirror.

BART
I was totally hiding in the trunk all along! And here I come to remove you from your car seat! Watch out!

Bart dramatically runs around the side of the car, lurching along like the boogey-man. He reaches through the open window of the car, about to grab Maggie. Maggie giggles, clearly enjoying this performance. She reaches one of her hands toward him.

As he is about to grab Maggie, Bart freezes in place.

BART (startled)
Holy crap!

Bart steps away from the car slowly, an awed expression on his face. He pauses, completely dumbstruck by his revelation. He stares quizzically toward the trunk of the car where he was standing before... And the entire case flashes before his eyes.

Bart passing Superintendent Chalmers in the hallway... Finding Maggie at the parking lot exit, her arms outstretched to him... Marge carrying Maggie at the sundial scene... An open window... Homer being put away in the police wagon... Milhouse climbing the treehouse ladder wearing an orange ascot... Bart and Lisa entering Krusty's dressing room... Chief Wiggum sitting smugly at his desk... Homer's fingerprints on the gun... Tea time... Mr. Burns' sitting at his desk, considering Bart's questions...

Bart rushes into the house to reveal to Lisa what he just figured out. He almost runs right into Marge, who is walking through the front door.

MARGE
I'm taking Maggie to Dr. Hibbert's office. I'll see you in an hour or so.

BART (rushing up the stairs, not bothering to stop)
Bye, Mom.

He rushes to Lisa's door and barges right in, not bothering to knock first. Lisa, sitting at her desk, is startled by his abrupt entrance.

BART
Lisa, you'll never guess what happened!

LISA
What?

BART
I've solved the mystery! I am 100% positive that I know who did it!

LISA
Tell me.

Bart begins giving Lisa his explanation of what happened. Lisa listens intently.

----------------------------------------------

I'm going to be on vacation most of next week in California, so I'll post the solution after that point. If anyone wants to speculate as to the solution that I'm hinting at, you can if you want to. It's hard to tell whether I've made the mystery too easy to solve with a couple obvious hints, or if it's completely baffling. Mysteries are hard to balance how many clues you throw in toward the actual shooter. I have told my solution to one person on the message board already, so I'll be mad if they spoil it. I'm not sure if that person is even reading the script, though.

After I post the solution, I might do some frame-by-frame analysis of the actual episodes themselves to explain the clues from the episodes. I don't know if that would be overkill or not.

[Capt Hammer]

A Week!? I can't wait a week! I have no idea who the shooter is.