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Thread: Our own animated sitcom?



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  1. #361
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    Also it is probably too late for this thread but me and a couple of friends are working on an Animated Sitcom called Townspeople which is about a town full of crazy characters. The town (Lanwick) is an average enough town but the personalities of its inhabitants make the place interesting. We are having a hell of a lot of characters and this is really a long term goal. We need people to help out with animation, character design, character bios, script editors and writers as well as people to help define the series by doing stuff like a town history. Anyone interested needs to be committed and should personal message me. (unless it isn't too late as an outside contender .)

  2. #362


    sounds good hammster. let us know how it progresses

  3. #363
    Eating Broken Glass Dynamo's Avatar
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    EEp, miss a weekend and you miss alot.

    So uh, Bea would you like to start having some ideas in a group with me?

    And anyone else who would like to.

  4. #364
    For the greater good SIR oinks alot's Avatar
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    I know you guys dont wanna do a family sitcom, but I thought it would be cool if we had a show about a parody version of the sopranos/godfather where the dads a badass mob boss, the mom is a marge esque character, the son is a big pussy, and the daughter is independant, strong girl who isnt taken seriously.
    “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”

  5. #365
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    Pretty much done with the outline and moving onto the first draft, should have it up by either tonight or tomorrow evening. Still having a bit of trouble on Jeremy's (name picked by coin flip) characterization, in terms of how innocent and naive he is. I'm thinking he's more ignorant than anything, not looking at the world's complexities, seeing everything rather simple. The main problem is his attitude. Whether he should be excited, passive, arrogant, or whatever is challenging to me, GJDR seems to have a good idea of where to go with him and I think he could develop the character more in rewrites, as well as the whole lot of you.

    If anyone wants to split this into two threads, go ahead. I don't mind it much this way, but it could be helpful. Leaving this for discussions of the two or making a show in general.

  6. #366
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    First half of the first draft:
    EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

    MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

    CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
    outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

    Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
    blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
    the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

    It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
    butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
    pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
    earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
    body and begins to gut it.

    CECILIA
    (even though they're the only
    two people within like a mile)
    David?

    DAVID
    (a little surprised to hear
    her talk)
    Yes, Ceci?

    CECILIA
    How far are we from the Proeliator
    clan?

    DAVID
    I haven't been keeping much track,
    but probably a little less than a
    mile I'd say. You want to see your
    cousin, Laura?

    CECILIA
    Well I don't even know her that
    well to be honest. We only ever met
    on the holidays. And of course, the
    picnic.

    DAVID
    Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
    that day.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    What? No, I don't really care. You
    apologize too much.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    Don't worry about Laura. The
    blood-soaked shark demon we got the
    tip from in Utah looked like an
    honest guy.

    CECILIA
    I guess you're right.

    David smirks to himself.

    CECILIA
    Do you like her?

    DAVID
    I hate her fucking guts. Course I
    like her, that's why we're dating.
    (beat) Or at least we were, before
    this apocalyptic dreamland came
    into existence.

    CECILIA
    Do you love her?

    DAVID
    I honestly don't know her that well
    either. But the way I see it, we
    have to want something now that
    we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
    this is the most I've ever heard
    you talk. It's nice.

    She shuts up.

    DAVID
    You know I think your boyfriend is
    full of shit about seeing dogs.
    Probably why he's taking so long
    with his hunt. (starts tugging on
    something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
    (yanks out an organ) dinner!

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

    They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
    over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
    flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
    out. It's burnt to a crisp.

    DAVID
    And here we go. Gourmet demon
    intestines cooked to perfection.

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    How about really BIG demon
    intestines cooked to perfection?!

    Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
    enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
    cooking.

    DAVID
    Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
    I've ever seen.

    JEREMY
    Yeah, I was following the dogs,
    then I saw this beast sleeping in a
    cave, so I just plugged him. And a
    nearby village was so grateful they
    threw him on a cart and helped me
    push him halfway here. Go figure.

    DAVID
    This really is great, and we could
    have it in the morning too, so we
    can have some energy in us when we
    see the Proeliators.

    JEREMY
    Why would we need energy for that?

    DAVID
    Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
    Proeliators are supposedly not so
    friendly. And by not so friendly I
    mean they don't care for outsiders.
    And by they don't care for
    outsiders I mean they're psychotic
    savages.

    CECILIA
    That's why Laura went there. She
    wanted to go there and use her
    charm to tame them, get to know
    them better. Then once she had
    their trust she would use the
    Proeliators for transportation
    purposes, the leather armor on
    their backs serving as a cushy seat
    - a saddle, if you will - to get
    across the land to find a stable
    home in a stable neighborhood, mate
    with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
    restarting civilization.

    David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

    DAVID
    Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
    just wanted to see if they'd help
    her find food.

    JEREMY
    Well then let's eat up and get
    rested.

    EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

    David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
    by the GUARD.

    GUARD
    You may not see Princess Laura at
    anytime.

    JEREMY
    (relaxed, but mildly offended)
    Well why not, dickhole?

    DAVID
    Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

    JEREMY
    Well we should do something, like
    that fuckin' eeehh... Jason
    Statham.

    DAVID
    (to Guard)
    Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
    J and C) Come on, people.

    He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
    plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

    DAVID
    There is always a way around.

    He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
    a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

    INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

    They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

    JEREMY
    (discreetly)
    We should split up!

    DAVID
    Yes, deifinitely.

    The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
    each other.

    DAVID
    Goddammit.

    EXT. HUT ROOF

    Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
    on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
    ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
    glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
    solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
    the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
    hut.

    INT. HUT

    The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
    her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
    him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
    shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
    Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
    next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
    ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
    choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor.

    EXT. HUT

    David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
    something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
    obviously startling the both of them.

    DAVID
    So I take it you've already found
    Laura?

    CECILIA
    Yeah, funny. There are two guards
    over by that hut. It makes sense
    that she'd be in there. Help me
    take them out.

    DAVID
    Alright, let's do it quickly...

    CECILIA
    ...and quietl-

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    (top of lungs)
    HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
    RIGHT IN HERE!

    The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
    the hut Jeremy's in.

    INT. ROYAL HUT

    They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

    DAVID
    Oh my.

    On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
    corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
    Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
    of himself.

    JEREMY
    You're not gonna believe this! It
    turns out that when the Proeliators
    find one they consider royalty,
    they sacrifice them to God to help
    ensure getting into Heaven once
    they die. Isn't that great that we
    found her?!

    DAVID
    Come on, let's go before they
    murder us.
    The pilot would only give a vague understanding of what went down, with a much better idea of it shown in the second. Don't wanna bore people with the first one by throwing a bunch of info at them at once, personally I find it a little off-putting when they do that. I wanna make them more comfy with the characters and environment first.
    Last edited by HappyPalooza; 01-11-2010 at 06:15 PM.

  7. #367
    but i'm a vampire General Jack D. Ripper's Avatar
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    Okay, read through it, and it's pretty great. You've got some serious talent. I thought we had some pretty good ideas about characters and some nice dark humor. I really love Jeremy saying excitedly how they'll sacrifice royalty, and how Cecilia says sorry too much, cause I do that too.
    Oh, and I think that the beginning described here could make an awesome them song. Just showing a butterfly fly through the terrible world with idyllic music playing, then end with it being shot by the main characters. Could be pretty awesome.
    Anyway, I made some edits, added a couple jokes, tweaked Jeremy a little, and took out a couple curse words I thought were a little out of place.


    EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

    MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

    CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
    outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

    Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
    blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
    the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

    It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
    butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
    pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
    earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
    body and begins to gut it.

    CECILIA
    (even though they're the only
    two people within like a mile,
    a little nervous)
    D-David?

    DAVID
    (a little surprised to hear
    her talk)
    Yes, Ceci?

    CECILIA
    How far are we from the Proeliator
    clan?

    DAVID
    Well, I haven't been keeping much track,
    but probably a little less than a
    mile I'd say. The butterfly means
    that we've gotten to the radiation site,
    so I know we're close.
    You want to see your
    cousin, Laura?

    CECILIA
    Well I don't even know her that
    well to be honest. We only ever met
    on the holidays. And of course, the
    picnic.

    DAVID
    Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
    that day.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    What? No, I don't really care. You
    apologize too much.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    Don't worry about Laura. The
    blood-soaked shark demon we got the
    tip from in Utah looked like an
    honest guy.

    CECILIA
    I guess you're right.

    David smirks to himself.

    CECILIA
    Do you like her?

    DAVID
    I hate her goddamn guts. Course I
    like her, that's why we're dating.
    (beat) Or at least we were, before
    this apocalyptic dreamland came
    into existence.

    CECILIA
    Do you love her?

    DAVID
    I honestly don't know her that well
    either. But the way I see it, we
    have to want something now that
    we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
    this is the most I've ever heard
    you talk. It's nice.

    She shuts up.

    DAVID
    You know I think your boyfriend is
    full of shit about seeing dogs.
    Probably why he's taking so long
    with his hunt. The dogs can
    probably hunt him better than
    he can hunt them. (starts tugging on
    something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
    (yanks out an organ) dinner!

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

    They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
    over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
    flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
    out. It's burnt to a crisp.

    DAVID
    And here we go. Gourmet demon
    intestines cooked to perfection.

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    How about really BIG demon
    intestines cooked to perfection?!

    Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
    enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
    cooking.

    DAVID
    Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
    I've ever seen.

    JEREMY
    Yeah, I was following the dogs,
    then I saw this beast sleeping in a
    cave, so I just plugged him.
    I think it used to be a ferret. And a
    nearby village was so grateful they
    threw him on a cart and helped me
    push him halfway here. Go figure.
    It. Was. Awesome.

    DAVID
    This really is great, and we could
    have it in the morning too, so we
    can have some energy in us when we
    see the Proeliators.

    JEREMY
    Why would we need energy for that?

    DAVID
    Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
    Proeliators are supposedly not so
    friendly. And by not so friendly I
    mean they don't care for outsiders.
    And by they don't care for
    outsiders I mean they're psychotic
    savages.

    CECILIA
    That's why Laura went there. She
    wanted to go there and use her
    charm to tame them, get to know
    them better. Then once she had
    their trust she would use the
    Proeliators for transportation
    purposes, the leather armor on
    their backs serving as a cushy seat
    - a saddle, if you will - to get
    across the land to find a stable
    home in a stable neighborhood, mate
    with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
    restarting civilization.

    David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

    DAVID
    Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
    just wanted to see if they'd help
    her find food.

    JEREMY
    (energetic)
    Who cares? Let's eat,
    let's eat, let's eat!

    EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

    David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
    by the GUARD.

    GUARD
    You may not see Princess Laura at
    anytime.

    JEREMY
    (relaxed, but mildly offended)
    Pfft. You don't tell us what we can't do, asshole.

    DAVID
    Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

    JEREMY
    Well we should do something, like
    that eeehh... Jason
    Statham. See, when things got him down,
    he did something about it.

    DAVID
    (to Guard)
    Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
    J and C) Come on, people.

    He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
    plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

    DAVID
    There is always a way around.
    And not just walls, but everything.

    He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
    a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

    INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

    They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

    JEREMY
    (discreetly)
    We should split up!

    DAVID
    Yes, deifinitely.

    The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
    each other.

    DAVID
    Dammit.

    EXT. HUT ROOF

    Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
    on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
    ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
    glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
    solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
    the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
    hut.

    INT. HUT

    The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
    her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
    him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
    shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
    Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
    next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
    ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
    choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor. She
    hugs the stuffed giraffe affectionately.

    EXT. HUT

    David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
    something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
    obviously startling the both of them.

    DAVID
    So I take it you've already found
    Laura?

    CECILIA
    Yeah, funny. There are two guards
    over by that hut. It makes sense
    that she'd be in there. Could you
    help me take them out?

    DAVID
    Alright, let's do it quickly...

    CECILIA
    ...and quietl-

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    (top of lungs)
    HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
    RIGHT IN HERE!

    The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
    the hut Jeremy's in.

    INT. ROYAL HUT

    They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

    DAVID
    Oh my.

    On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
    corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
    Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
    of himself.

    JEREMY
    You're not gonna believe this! It
    turns out that when the Proeliators
    find one they consider royalty,
    they sacrifice them to God to help
    ensure getting into Heaven once
    they die. Isn't that great that we
    found her?!

    DAVID
    Come on, let's go before they
    murder us.

    JEREMY
    That seems a little high and
    mighty. You don't know they'll
    consider you royalty.

  8. #368
    For the greater good SIR oinks alot's Avatar
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    this is just the first act right? anyways its a pretty good first draft, butsome of theswearing is a tad out of place

  9. #369
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    Should I make a new thread for each premise leaving this one just for discussing both and/or discussing making a show in general? Vote in the poll.

  10. #370
    Golden Boy Green Man's Avatar
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    no, this one is fine

  11. #371
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    I agree but a few people raised the point. Anyway I'm going to have a look at this first draft of the post apocalypse idea and see if I would change anything.

  12. #372
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    Your drafts are really good here is my edit:

    EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

    MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

    CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
    outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

    Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
    blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
    the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

    It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
    butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
    pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
    earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
    body and begins to gut it.

    CECILIA
    (even though they're the only
    two people within like a mile,
    a little nervous)
    D-David?

    DAVID
    (a little surprised to hear
    her talk)
    Yes, Ceci?

    CECILIA
    How far are we from the Proeliator
    clan?

    DAVID
    Well, I haven't been keeping much track,
    but probably a little less than a
    mile I'd say. The butterfly means
    that we've gotten to the radiation site,
    so I know we're close.
    You want to see your
    cousin, Laura?

    CECILIA
    Well I don't even know her that
    well to be honest. We only ever met
    on the holidays. And of course, the
    picnic.

    DAVID
    Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
    that day.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    What? No, I don't really care. You
    apologize too much.

    CECILIA
    I'm sorry.

    DAVID
    Don't worry about Laura. The
    blood-soaked shark demon we got the
    tip from in Utah looked like an
    honest guy.

    CECILIA
    I guess you're right.

    David smirks to himself.

    CECILIA
    Do you like her?

    DAVID
    I hate her goddamn guts. Course I
    like her, that's why we're dating.
    (beat) Or at least we were, before
    this apocalyptic dreamland came
    into existence.

    CECILIA
    Do you love her?

    DAVID
    I honestly don't know her that well
    either. But the way I see it, we
    have to want something now that
    we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
    this is the most I've ever heard
    you talk. It's nice.

    She shuts up.

    DAVID
    You know I think your boyfriend is
    full of shit about seeing dogs.
    Probably why he's taking so long
    with his hunt. The dogs can
    probably hunt him better than
    he can hunt them. (starts tugging on
    something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
    (yanks out an organ) dinner!

    EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

    They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
    over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
    flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
    out. It's burnt to a crisp.

    DAVID
    And here we go. Gourmet demon
    intestines cooked to perfection.

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    How about really BIG demon
    intestines cooked to perfection?!

    Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
    enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
    cooking.

    DAVID
    Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
    I've ever seen.

    JEREMY
    Yeah, I was following the dogs,
    then I saw this beast sleeping in a
    cave, so I just plugged him.
    I think it used to be a ferret. And a
    nearby village was so grateful they
    threw him on a cart and helped me
    push him halfway here. I believe they
    used to call him The Almighty El Nichi.
    Go figure. It. Was. Awesome.

    DAVID
    This really is great, and we could
    have it in the morning too, so we
    can have some energy in us when we
    see the Proeliators.

    JEREMY
    Why would we need energy for that?

    DAVID
    Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
    Proeliators are supposedly not so
    friendly. And by not so friendly I
    mean they don't care for outsiders.
    And by they don't care for
    outsiders I mean they're psychotic
    savages.

    CECILIA
    That's why Laura went there. She
    wanted to go there and use her
    charm to tame them, get to know
    them better. Then once she had
    their trust she would use the
    Proeliators for transportation
    purposes, the leather armor on
    their backs serving as a cushy seat
    - a saddle, if you will - to get
    across the land to find a stable
    home in a stable neighborhood, mate
    with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
    restarting civilization.

    David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

    DAVID
    Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
    just wanted to see if they'd help
    her find food.

    JEREMY
    (energetic)
    Who cares? Let's eat,
    let's eat, let's eat!

    EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

    David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
    by the GUARD.

    GUARD
    You may not see Princess Laura at
    anytime.

    JEREMY
    (relaxed, but mildly offended)
    Pfft. You don't tell us what we can't do, asshole.

    DAVID
    Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

    JEREMY
    Well we should do something, like
    that eeehh... Jason
    Statham. See, when things got him down,
    he did something about it.

    DAVID
    (to Guard)
    Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
    J and C) Come on, people.

    He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
    plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

    DAVID
    There is always a way around.
    And not just walls, but everything.

    JEREMY
    Including sexual harassment allegations?

    CECILA
    Why'd you ask?

    JEREMY
    (unconvincingly) Erm... no reason.

    DAVID
    We don't have time for this, lets go!

    He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
    a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

    INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

    They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

    JEREMY
    (discreetly)
    We should split up!

    DAVID
    Yes, deifinitely.

    The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
    each other.

    DAVID
    Dammit.

    EXT. HUT ROOF

    Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
    on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
    ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
    glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
    solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
    the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
    hut.

    INT. HUT

    The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
    her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
    him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
    shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
    Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
    next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
    ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
    choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor. She
    hugs the stuffed giraffe affectionately.

    EXT. HUT

    David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
    something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
    obviously startling the both of them.

    DAVID
    So I take it you've already found
    Laura?

    CECILIA
    Yeah, funny. There are two guards
    over by that hut. It makes sense
    that she'd be in there. Could you
    help me take them out?

    DAVID
    Alright, let's do it quickly...

    CECILIA
    ...and quietl-

    JEREMY (O.S.)
    (top of lungs)
    HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
    RIGHT IN HERE!

    The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
    the hut Jeremy's in.

    INT. ROYAL HUT

    They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

    DAVID
    Oh my.

    On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
    corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
    Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
    of himself.

    JEREMY
    You're not gonna believe this! It
    turns out that when the Proeliators
    find one they consider royalty,
    they sacrifice them to God to help
    ensure getting into Heaven once
    they die. Isn't that great that we
    found her?!

    DAVID
    Come on, let's go before they
    murder us.

    JEREMY
    That seems a little high and
    mighty. You don't know they'll
    consider you royalty.

  13. #373
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    Great work on the rewrites, gonna finish the second half and post it by tonight.

    Doesn't make a difference to me if we split the threads or not.

  14. #374
    For the greater good SIR oinks alot's Avatar
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    so how many episodes a season? should it be the usual 13? or longer? or shorter?

  15. #375
    For the greater good SIR oinks alot's Avatar
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    I got an idea for the "behind the scenes" episode. for the season(or series) finale, the show might be canceled because of ratings, and the writing crew has to save the show by some kind of hyped up special

  16. #376


    is anyone actually gonna draw this, or is this cartoon for the blind?

  17. #377


    Quote Originally Posted by the chilliman View Post
    is anyone actually gonna draw this, or is this cartoon for the blind?
    I was just going to get on that. Can someone in charge send me character descriptions so i can start designing them?

  18. #378
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    Sorry I'm taking a while on the second half, getting way into this Tonight Show news for some reason, I should still be able to finish and post it later tonight though.

  19. #379
    but i'm a vampire General Jack D. Ripper's Avatar
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    I didn't really like that joke about the sexual allegations thing to be honest hammster. It's not a big deal, but I don't want Jeremy to be that perverted, we don't want a Quagmire on our hands. Not a sexual fiend, just a little bit of a pervert, the way a 15 year old guy might be. Plus, I thought it seemed a little forced. I don't really like it, but if HappyPalooza does, we'll keep it in.

  20. #380
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    It might be alright to keep "Including sexual harassment allegations?" or something of that nature but it's best left at that with the joke whizzing by without the other characters responding.

  21. #381
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    Second half. Didn't read it over, could suck:
    EXT. ROYAL HUT

    One of the guards runs up and quickly opens the door. All
    that's inside is the head of the stuffed giraffe on one of
    the corpse's exposed bones. Opening the door pulls a string
    that sets off a crudely made spring-loaded pulley that
    shoots the bone with the head on it at the doorway and goes
    through the guard's throat.

    INT. BAR - NIGHT

    MUSIC: Pretty much any song by Creedence Clearwater Revival

    David, Cecilia, and Jeremy are downing some beers. Some
    drunken WHORE is hitting on David, intrigued by his demonic
    parts, including small spikes and claws on his body.

    WHORE
    Wow... so you have both human and
    demon parts?

    DAVID
    Yep.

    WHORE
    Wow! How did you do that?

    DAVID
    Well remember how before two months
    ago, we were all rotting in hell,
    being tortured, experimented on,
    and torn apart by demons and
    Lucifer himself for a thousand year
    span? I think that was it.

    WHORE
    Oh yeah! Haha, I'm really drunk, so
    I'm not making any sense!

    DAVID
    Don't give yourself too much credit
    there.

    WHORE
    Do you wanna go around back and
    take a look at something for me?

    DAVID
    Uh, as fun as chlamydia sounds, I
    think I'll pass.

    At the other end of the bar...

    JEREMY
    So after I kill the beast, I saw
    off what I think is a tree attached
    to it, for wood burning, y'know?
    Turns out- it was the beast's
    schlong! Aw man, you woulda loved
    it!

    Cecilia returns a blank stare. David, a little more loose,
    comes between them to break up the awkward moment.

    DAVID
    What are you telling her about the
    penis? Yeah, I heard it was huge.
    It was bigger than yours, Ceci.
    (beat) I'm just kidding, yours is
    bigger.

    He heads off to the can.

    INT. MALE LAVATORY

    David is peeing at a urinal, which is basically a
    Porta-John. He gets a piss shiver and zips up. He goes to
    use the sink, which is just a faucet, as it slowly runs a
    disgusting muddy ooze. He decides he'd rather not risk
    dangerous contamination while attempting to clean his hands
    in a poetically ironic twist and walks out.

    INT. BAR

    Jeremy continues his story, now with many women surrounding
    him, enthralled by his tale contrasting Cecilia's lack of
    amusement in the tale. A rather weiner-like demon approaches
    Cecilia.

    DEMON
    Hey there, lovely. Might I be so
    inclined to buy you a drink?

    CECILIA
    No thank you.

    DEMON
    Lemme rephrase that. Might I be so
    inclined to take you to the back of
    the bar and send arousing
    sensations running from your clit
    to your other nerves, pounding and
    pounding away like a jackhammer
    into a pleasure pit until names are
    shouted and juices are squirted?

    CECILIA
    No thank you.

    JEREMY
    (noticing)
    Hey, what's going on over there?

    DEMON
    Nobody asked you.

    JEREMY
    No, I'm asking YOU. What are you
    saying to my girlfriend, you damn
    dirty demon?

    DEMON
    Just having a tiny bit of fun!

    David intervenes.

    DAVID
    "Tiny bit of fun?" Is that your
    nickname for it?

    DEMON
    Who the fuck is this guy?

    DAVID
    Come on, just pack it in dude
    before you embarass yourself.

    DEMON
    Don't tell me what do!

    He nudges David.

    DAVID
    Don't touch me.

    DEMON
    Don't tell me what to do!

    DAVID
    (mockingly, smiling)
    Well don't touch me!

    The demon lightly pokes him between the eyes.

    DEMON
    Touch.

    David punches him in the face and he goes down, being kinda
    little and stuff.

    DEMON
    Ooow, dammit! What is with you
    humans? What the hell is wrong with
    you?

    DAVID
    What?

    DEMON
    You spend all this time in Hell and
    then you get out you still sin, you
    go around killing people to avoid
    dying and going back there but
    you're gonna die anyway someday!
    (beat) Take it from someone who
    worked there, confessing in a
    church isn't gonna do shit for what
    you've been doing. Get over
    yourselves and your egos and enjoy
    this while you can.

    David, already tipsy, takes this surprisingly true
    philosophy in.

    The demon leaves, maintaining his pride knowing he made an
    impact.

    CECILIA
    (quickly)
    G'bye.

    JEREMY
    What an idiot, things are gonna be
    awesome, he doesn't know what he's
    talking about.

    David gets thinking, which is never a good thing, and rushes
    back over to the bar.

    MUSIC: "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals

    David starts drinking more. Like a lot more.

    EXT. RUN-DOWN CHURCH

    David stands outside the building hurling rocks at it,
    occasionally smashing a window as images flash of the events
    that occurred on each impact. He curses God for having
    neglected the humans, who were supposed to be his children.

    DAVID
    Why? What was the point of cleaning
    up? Why didn't you just let us stay
    there if you were gonna do such a
    shitty job? Why?! What was the
    point?!

    Cecilia comes up to him once the dust settles.

    CECILIA
    It's not the worst...

    DAVID
    It is. This is it, this our
    vacation from that place. And
    there's nothing we can do to escape
    it short of maybe doing something
    huge like saving the world, because
    we're not doing anything wrong! All
    based on technicalities. Everything
    has to be based on fucking
    technicalities. Is it so awful to
    excercise common sense?

    CECILIA
    Well then... we'll just have to do
    something huge, won't we?

    DAVID
    Yep. I guess we will.

    MUSIC: "Top of the World" by The Carpenters

    PAN OUT as David and Cecilia look upon the unpromising
    landscape that is their tragic future.

    DAVID
    Ceci, don't think about stuff. It
    hurts too much.

    CECILIA
    Okay.

    THE END.

    Quote Originally Posted by but I'm bender View Post
    so how many episodes a season? should it be the usual 13? or longer? or shorter?
    Honestly, whichever we do I don't see lasting longer than ten episodes, even after we work out a groove for ourselves.
    Last edited by HappyPalooza; 01-12-2010 at 09:17 PM.

  22. #382
    but i'm a vampire General Jack D. Ripper's Avatar
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    Okay, looks good, here are my edits. The only thing I really worry about with this show is if it were to last a while, they'd sorta need one town to settle down at, so we could introduce recurring characters. And the whole first act didn't really have much of a point other than the Laura thing, but with a short format like this, I guess things like that are inevitable. No matter, here ya go:

    EXT. ROYAL HUT

    One of the guards runs up and quickly opens the door. All
    that's inside is the head of the stuffed giraffe on one of
    the corpse's exposed bones. Opening the door pulls a string
    that sets off a crudely made spring-loaded pulley that
    shoots the bone with the head on it at the doorway and goes
    through the guard's throat.

    INT. BAR - NIGHT

    MUSIC: Feelin' Blue by Creedence Clearwater Revival

    David, Cecilia, and Jeremy are downing some beers. Some
    drunken WHORE is hitting on David, intrigued by his demonic
    parts, including small spikes and claws on his body.

    WHORE
    Wow... so you have both human and
    demon parts?

    DAVID
    Yep.

    WHORE
    Wow! How did you do that?

    DAVID
    Well remember how before two months
    ago, we were all rotting in hell,
    being tortured, experimented on,
    and torn apart by demons and
    Lucifer himself for a thousand year
    span? I think that was it.

    WHORE
    Oh yeah! Haha, I'm really drunk, so
    I'm not making any sense!

    DAVID
    Don't give yourself too much credit
    there.

    WHORE
    Do you wanna go around back and
    take a look at something for me?

    DAVID
    Uh, as fun as chlamydia sounds, I
    think I'll pass.

    At the other end of the bar...

    JEREMY
    So after I kill the beast, I saw
    off what I think is a tree attached
    to it, for wood burning, y'know?
    Turns out- it was the beast's
    schlong! Aw man, you woulda loved
    it!

    Cecilia returns a blank stare. David, a little more loose,
    comes between them to break up the awkward moment.

    DAVID
    Yes, Ceci, I know you woulda
    just loved that giant demon schlong.
    I mean, who wouldn't have?

    He heads off to the can.

    INT. MALE LAVATORY

    David is peeing at a urinal, which is basically a
    Porta-John. He gets a piss shiver and zips up. He goes to
    use the sink, which is just a faucet, as it slowly runs a
    disgusting muddy ooze. He decides he'd rather not risk
    dangerous contamination while attempting to clean his hands
    in a poetically ironic twist and walks out.

    INT. BAR

    Jeremy continues his story, now with many women surrounding
    him, enthralled by his tale contrasting Cecilia's lack of
    amusement in the tale. A rather weiner-like demon approaches
    Cecilia.

    DEMON
    (with a surprisingly refined accent)
    Hey there, lovely. Might I be so
    inclined to buy you a drink?

    CECILIA
    No thank you.

    DEMON
    Lemme rephrase that. Might I be so
    inclined to take you to the back of
    the bar and give you one hell of a twenty
    minutes, maybe some names are shouted,
    some juices are squirted?

    CECILIA
    No thank you.

    JEREMY
    (noticing)
    Hey, what's going on over there?

    DEMON
    Nobody asked you.

    JEREMY
    No, I'm asking YOU. What are you
    saying to my girlfriend, you damn
    dirty demon?

    DEMON
    Just having a tiny bit of fun!

    David intervenes.

    DAVID
    "Tiny bit of fun?" Is that your
    nickname for it?

    DEMON
    Who the fuck is this guy?

    DAVID
    Come on, just pack it in dude
    before you embarass yourself.

    DEMON
    Don't tell me what do!

    He nudges David.

    DAVID
    Don't touch me.

    DEMON
    Don't tell me what to do!

    DAVID
    (mockingly, smiling)
    Well don't touch me!

    The demon lightly pokes him between the eyes.

    DEMON
    Touch. Touch, touch, touch.

    David punches him in the face and he goes down, being kinda
    little and stuff.

    DEMON
    Ooow, dammit! What is with you
    humans? What the hell is wrong with
    you?

    DAVID
    What?

    DEMON
    You spend all this time in Hell and
    then you get out and you still sin, you
    go around killing people to avoid
    dying and going back there but
    you're gonna die anyway someday!
    (beat) Take it from someone who
    worked there, confessing in a
    church isn't gonna do shit for what
    you've been doing. Get over
    yourselves and your egos and enjoy
    this while you can.

    David, already tipsy, takes this surprisingly true
    philosophy in. But then the demon breaks his
    noble streak.

    DEMON
    (crying)
    You stupid... pieces of crap!

    The demon leaves, maintaining his pride knowing he made an
    impact.

    CECILIA
    (quickly)
    G'bye.

    JEREMY
    What an idiot, things are gonna be
    awesome, he doesn't know what he's
    talking about.

    David gets thinking, which is never a good thing, and rushes
    back over to the bar.

    MUSIC: "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals

    David starts drinking more. Like a lot more.

    EXT. RUN-DOWN CHURCH

    David stands outside the building hurling rocks at it,
    occasionally smashing a window as images flash of the events
    that occurred on each impact. He curses God for having
    neglected the humans, who were supposed to be his children.

    DAVID
    Why? What was the point of cleaning
    up? Why didn't you just let us stay
    there if you were gonna do such a
    shitty job? Why?! What was the
    point?!

    Cecilia comes up to him once the dust settles.

    CECILIA
    It's not the worst...

    DAVID
    It is. This is it, this our
    vacation from that place. And
    there's nothing we can do to escape
    it short of maybe doing something
    huge like saving the world, because
    we're not doing anything wrong!
    Have you ever heard that story
    about the peole who prayed in a
    church after an earthquake, and
    the goddamn church just, poof,
    collapsed on them. Poof. All about
    the right place at the right time, or the
    wrong place at the wrong time.
    All based on technicalities. Everything
    has to be based on fucking
    technicalities. Is it so awful to
    excercise common sense?

    CECILIA
    Well then... we'll just have to do
    something huge, won't we?

    DAVID
    Yep. I guess we will.

    MUSIC: "Top of the World" by The Carpenters

    PAN OUT as David and Cecilia look upon the unpromising
    landscape that is their tragic future. They are near the top
    of a large hill.

    DAVID
    Ceci, don't think about stuff. It
    hurts too much.

    CECILIA
    Okay.

    JEREMY
    (off screen)
    Hey, the church bell still works!

    He begins ringing it.

    THE END.

  23. #383
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HappyPalooza View Post
    It might be alright to keep "Including sexual harassment allegations?" or something of that nature but it's best left at that with the joke whizzing by without the other characters responding.
    This would probably be better...

    I can't think of any edits to make to the version we have now. Also where'd the 'Behind the Scenes' people go? And what are we calling the post-apocalyptic show?

  24. #384
    JizzingOnBono HappyPalooza's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by General Jack D. Ripper View Post
    Okay, looks good, here are my edits. The only thing I really worry about with this show is if it were to last a while, they'd sorta need one town to settle down at, so we could introduce recurring characters. And the whole first act didn't really have much of a point other than the Laura thing, but with a short format like this, I guess things like that are inevitable.
    Yeah, the plot isn't very tight, but after the pilot to establish everything plots will get more structured for sure. The first half with the search for Laura is mean to be more of a false set-up that ties in with the "wanting something" and needing a reason to even bother keeping going that is lost shortly and remains a difficult thing for the characters in the episode and the series.

    The part that's the problem is that the episode doesn't really have a middle. I tried fleshing things out a little but didn't want to force it, plus the episode is actually long as hell for an animator as we've been going over.

    As far as settling down, it's certainly a possibility, but I think having them stay in a hopeful community with lots of supporting characters could become kind of a lot like other animated sitcoms. I was thinking we could have them return to locations and settings and characters, while creating a whole world instead of restricting to one little town. Like the politician character would be on a much wider scale, trying to rebuild society with governmental efforts but being shunned mostly on the basis of being a politician. But I don't want to force any of my ideas, settling down could actually be a really good idea and I'm not just saying that.

    Quote Originally Posted by hammster View Post
    This would probably be better...

    I can't think of any edits to make to the version we have now. Also where'd the 'Behind the Scenes' people go? And what are we calling the post-apocalyptic show?
    I was thinking the same thing. Where the fuck did everyone go? I knew the interest would begin to fade at some point, but damn. And as far as the title goes, Life After Afterlife sounds like the best to me as of right now.

  25. #385
    but i'm a vampire General Jack D. Ripper's Avatar
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    I was thinking that we could have a primary town type thing, but the three main characters (plus occasionally other characters based on the episode) would still trek and travel around a lot. Like they might be at the town one episode, and just wandering around the next, hunting or looking for something. Or your idea could work, where they aren't chained to one place, but there are a few established areas, tribes, etc. Life After Afterlife seems appropriate, but we can change it if anything better comes up.
    Did you like my little addition to David's monologue at the end?

  26. #386
    Golden Boy Green Man's Avatar
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    so, I just rewrote the entire script fox executive posted here and added an ending (a very surprising ending btw)

    I'll post it tomorrow after I rewrite it some more, because I want it to be great

  27. #387
    Eating Broken Glass Dynamo's Avatar
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    okay im officially confused. Are we starting with the Post Pock one?

    and what are all of the confirmed characters and personalities. I will then gladly write a script.

  28. #388
    Golden Boy Green Man's Avatar
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    we're doing both shows...

    ...and we're also creating our own network

  29. #389
    pseudo-leftie village of the hammed (1960)'s Avatar
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    Once we have both pilots done I will start a thread for each premise making this one just for discussion of both and/or discussing the creation of animated sitcoms (such as requesting help). So I need names for both premises.

  30. #390
    the original Sex Pistol
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    Quote Originally Posted by Green Man View Post
    so, I just rewrote the entire script fox executive posted here and added an ending (a very surprising ending btw)

    I'll post it tomorrow after I rewrite it some more, because I want it to be great
    I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to your ending!

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