Our own animated sitcom?

[hammster]

Also it is probably too late for this thread but me and a couple of friends are working on an Animated Sitcom called Townspeople which is about a town full of crazy characters. The town (Lanwick) is an average enough town but the personalities of its inhabitants make the place interesting. We are having a hell of a lot of characters and this is really a long term goal. We need people to help out with animation, character design, character bios, script editors and writers as well as people to help define the series by doing stuff like a town history. Anyone interested needs to be committed and should personal message me. (unless it isn't too late as an outside contender .)

[Mr Black]

sounds good hammster. let us know how it progresses

[Dynamo]

EEp, miss a weekend and you miss alot.

So uh, Bea would you like to start having some ideas in a group with me?

And anyone else who would like to.

[SIR oinks alot]

I know you guys dont wanna do a family sitcom, but I thought it would be cool if we had a show about a parody version of the sopranos/godfather where the dads a badass mob boss, the mom is a marge esque character, the son is a big pussy, and the daughter is independant, strong girl who isnt taken seriously.

[HappyPalooza]

Pretty much done with the outline and moving onto the first draft, should have it up by either tonight or tomorrow evening. Still having a bit of trouble on Jeremy's (name picked by coin flip) characterization, in terms of how innocent and naive he is. I'm thinking he's more ignorant than anything, not looking at the world's complexities, seeing everything rather simple. The main problem is his attitude. Whether he should be excited, passive, arrogant, or whatever is challenging to me, GJDR seems to have a good idea of where to go with him and I think he could develop the character more in rewrites, as well as the whole lot of you.

If anyone wants to split this into two threads, go ahead. I don't mind it much this way, but it could be helpful. Leaving this for discussions of the two or making a show in general.

[HappyPalooza]

First half of the first draft:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
body and begins to gut it.

CECILIA
(even though they're the only
two people within like a mile)
David?

DAVID
(a little surprised to hear
her talk)
Yes, Ceci?

CECILIA
How far are we from the Proeliator
clan?

DAVID
I haven't been keeping much track,
but probably a little less than a
mile I'd say. You want to see your
cousin, Laura?

CECILIA
Well I don't even know her that
well to be honest. We only ever met
on the holidays. And of course, the
picnic.

DAVID
Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
that day.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
What? No, I don't really care. You
apologize too much.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
Don't worry about Laura. The
blood-soaked shark demon we got the
tip from in Utah looked like an
honest guy.

CECILIA
I guess you're right.

David smirks to himself.

CECILIA
Do you like her?

DAVID
I hate her fucking guts. Course I
like her, that's why we're dating.
(beat) Or at least we were, before
this apocalyptic dreamland came
into existence.

CECILIA
Do you love her?

DAVID
I honestly don't know her that well
either. But the way I see it, we
have to want something now that
we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
this is the most I've ever heard
you talk. It's nice.

She shuts up.

DAVID
You know I think your boyfriend is
full of shit about seeing dogs.
Probably why he's taking so long
with his hunt. (starts tugging on
something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
(yanks out an organ) dinner!

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
out. It's burnt to a crisp.

DAVID
And here we go. Gourmet demon
intestines cooked to perfection.

JEREMY (O.S.)
How about really BIG demon
intestines cooked to perfection?!

Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
cooking.

DAVID
Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
I've ever seen.

JEREMY
Yeah, I was following the dogs,
then I saw this beast sleeping in a
cave, so I just plugged him. And a
nearby village was so grateful they
threw him on a cart and helped me
push him halfway here. Go figure.

DAVID
This really is great, and we could
have it in the morning too, so we
can have some energy in us when we
see the Proeliators.

JEREMY
Why would we need energy for that?

DAVID
Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
Proeliators are supposedly not so
friendly. And by not so friendly I
mean they don't care for outsiders.
And by they don't care for
outsiders I mean they're psychotic
savages.

CECILIA
That's why Laura went there. She
wanted to go there and use her
charm to tame them, get to know
them better. Then once she had
their trust she would use the
Proeliators for transportation
purposes, the leather armor on
their backs serving as a cushy seat
- a saddle, if you will - to get
across the land to find a stable
home in a stable neighborhood, mate
with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
restarting civilization.

David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

DAVID
Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
just wanted to see if they'd help
her find food.

JEREMY
Well then let's eat up and get
rested.

EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
by the GUARD.

GUARD
You may not see Princess Laura at
anytime.

JEREMY
(relaxed, but mildly offended)
Well why not, dickhole?

DAVID
Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

JEREMY
Well we should do something, like
that fuckin' eeehh... Jason
Statham.

DAVID
(to Guard)
Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
J and C) Come on, people.

He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

DAVID
There is always a way around.

He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

JEREMY
(discreetly)
We should split up!

DAVID
Yes, deifinitely.

The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
each other.

DAVID
Goddammit.

EXT. HUT ROOF

Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
hut.

INT. HUT

The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor.

EXT. HUT

David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
obviously startling the both of them.

DAVID
So I take it you've already found
Laura?

CECILIA
Yeah, funny. There are two guards
over by that hut. It makes sense
that she'd be in there. Help me
take them out.

DAVID
Alright, let's do it quickly...

CECILIA
...and quietl-

JEREMY (O.S.)
(top of lungs)
HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
RIGHT IN HERE!

The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
the hut Jeremy's in.

INT. ROYAL HUT

They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

DAVID
Oh my.

On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
of himself.

JEREMY
You're not gonna believe this! It
turns out that when the Proeliators
find one they consider royalty,
they sacrifice them to God to help
ensure getting into Heaven once
they die. Isn't that great that we
found her?!

DAVID
Come on, let's go before they
murder us.

The pilot would only give a vague understanding of what went down, with a much better idea of it shown in the second. Don't wanna bore people with the first one by throwing a bunch of info at them at once, personally I find it a little off-putting when they do that. I wanna make them more comfy with the characters and environment first.

[General Jack D. Ripper]

Okay, read through it, and it's pretty great. You've got some serious talent. I thought we had some pretty good ideas about characters and some nice dark humor. I really love Jeremy saying excitedly how they'll sacrifice royalty, and how Cecilia says sorry too much, cause I do that too.
Oh, and I think that the beginning described here could make an awesome them song. Just showing a butterfly fly through the terrible world with idyllic music playing, then end with it being shot by the main characters. Could be pretty awesome.
Anyway, I made some edits, added a couple jokes, tweaked Jeremy a little, and took out a couple curse words I thought were a little out of place.


EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
body and begins to gut it.

CECILIA
(even though they're the only
two people within like a mile,
a little nervous)
D-David?

DAVID
(a little surprised to hear
her talk)
Yes, Ceci?

CECILIA
How far are we from the Proeliator
clan?

DAVID
Well, I haven't been keeping much track,
but probably a little less than a
mile I'd say. The butterfly means
that we've gotten to the radiation site,
so I know we're close.
You want to see your
cousin, Laura?

CECILIA
Well I don't even know her that
well to be honest. We only ever met
on the holidays. And of course, the
picnic.

DAVID
Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
that day.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
What? No, I don't really care. You
apologize too much.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
Don't worry about Laura. The
blood-soaked shark demon we got the
tip from in Utah looked like an
honest guy.

CECILIA
I guess you're right.

David smirks to himself.

CECILIA
Do you like her?

DAVID
I hate her goddamn guts. Course I
like her, that's why we're dating.
(beat) Or at least we were, before
this apocalyptic dreamland came
into existence.

CECILIA
Do you love her?

DAVID
I honestly don't know her that well
either. But the way I see it, we
have to want something now that
we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
this is the most I've ever heard
you talk. It's nice.

She shuts up.

DAVID
You know I think your boyfriend is
full of shit about seeing dogs.
Probably why he's taking so long
with his hunt. The dogs can
probably hunt him better than
he can hunt them. (starts tugging on
something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
(yanks out an organ) dinner!

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
out. It's burnt to a crisp.

DAVID
And here we go. Gourmet demon
intestines cooked to perfection.

JEREMY (O.S.)
How about really BIG demon
intestines cooked to perfection?!

Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
cooking.

DAVID
Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
I've ever seen.

JEREMY
Yeah, I was following the dogs,
then I saw this beast sleeping in a
cave, so I just plugged him.
I think it used to be a ferret. And a
nearby village was so grateful they
threw him on a cart and helped me
push him halfway here. Go figure.
It. Was. Awesome.

DAVID
This really is great, and we could
have it in the morning too, so we
can have some energy in us when we
see the Proeliators.

JEREMY
Why would we need energy for that?

DAVID
Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
Proeliators are supposedly not so
friendly. And by not so friendly I
mean they don't care for outsiders.
And by they don't care for
outsiders I mean they're psychotic
savages.

CECILIA
That's why Laura went there. She
wanted to go there and use her
charm to tame them, get to know
them better. Then once she had
their trust she would use the
Proeliators for transportation
purposes, the leather armor on
their backs serving as a cushy seat
- a saddle, if you will - to get
across the land to find a stable
home in a stable neighborhood, mate
with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
restarting civilization.

David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

DAVID
Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
just wanted to see if they'd help
her find food.

JEREMY
(energetic)
Who cares? Let's eat,
let's eat, let's eat!

EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
by the GUARD.

GUARD
You may not see Princess Laura at
anytime.

JEREMY
(relaxed, but mildly offended)
Pfft. You don't tell us what we can't do, asshole.

DAVID
Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

JEREMY
Well we should do something, like
that eeehh... Jason
Statham. See, when things got him down,
he did something about it.

DAVID
(to Guard)
Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
J and C) Come on, people.

He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

DAVID
There is always a way around.
And not just walls, but everything.

He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

JEREMY
(discreetly)
We should split up!

DAVID
Yes, deifinitely.

The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
each other.

DAVID
Dammit.

EXT. HUT ROOF

Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
hut.

INT. HUT

The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor. She
hugs the stuffed giraffe affectionately.

EXT. HUT

David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
obviously startling the both of them.

DAVID
So I take it you've already found
Laura?

CECILIA
Yeah, funny. There are two guards
over by that hut. It makes sense
that she'd be in there. Could you
help me take them out?

DAVID
Alright, let's do it quickly...

CECILIA
...and quietl-

JEREMY (O.S.)
(top of lungs)
HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
RIGHT IN HERE!

The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
the hut Jeremy's in.

INT. ROYAL HUT

They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

DAVID
Oh my.

On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
of himself.

JEREMY
You're not gonna believe this! It
turns out that when the Proeliators
find one they consider royalty,
they sacrifice them to God to help
ensure getting into Heaven once
they die. Isn't that great that we
found her?!

DAVID
Come on, let's go before they
murder us.

JEREMY
That seems a little high and
mighty. You don't know they'll
consider you royalty.

[SIR oinks alot]

this is just the first act right? anyways its a pretty good first draft, butsome of theswearing is a tad out of place

[hammster]

Should I make a new thread for each premise leaving this one just for discussing both and/or discussing making a show in general? Vote in the poll.

[Green Man]

no, this one is fine

[hammster]

I agree but a few people raised the point. Anyway I'm going to have a look at this first draft of the post apocalypse idea and see if I would change anything.

[hammster]

Your drafts are really good here is my edit:

EXT. BEAUTIFUL EARTH - DAY

MUSIC: "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

CLOSE UP of a gorgeous BUTTERFLY fluttering around ravishing
outdoor scenery. The opening credits appear over this.

Once the titles are done, the music is interrupted by a
blast. The butterfly is shot in the head and rockets down to
the Earth in front of its killers, DAVID and CECILIA.

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - DAY

It's revealed the butterfly was actually a huge demon
butterfly fluttering in front of an old billboard with
pretty scenery on it as it now lay on the dirty, demolished
earth before our protagonists. David sticks a knife in the
body and begins to gut it.

CECILIA
(even though they're the only
two people within like a mile,
a little nervous)
D-David?

DAVID
(a little surprised to hear
her talk)
Yes, Ceci?

CECILIA
How far are we from the Proeliator
clan?

DAVID
Well, I haven't been keeping much track,
but probably a little less than a
mile I'd say. The butterfly means
that we've gotten to the radiation site,
so I know we're close.
You want to see your
cousin, Laura?

CECILIA
Well I don't even know her that
well to be honest. We only ever met
on the holidays. And of course, the
picnic.

DAVID
Shyeah. Don't even remind me of
that day.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
What? No, I don't really care. You
apologize too much.

CECILIA
I'm sorry.

DAVID
Don't worry about Laura. The
blood-soaked shark demon we got the
tip from in Utah looked like an
honest guy.

CECILIA
I guess you're right.

David smirks to himself.

CECILIA
Do you like her?

DAVID
I hate her goddamn guts. Course I
like her, that's why we're dating.
(beat) Or at least we were, before
this apocalyptic dreamland came
into existence.

CECILIA
Do you love her?

DAVID
I honestly don't know her that well
either. But the way I see it, we
have to want something now that
we're back here. Right? Goddamn,
this is the most I've ever heard
you talk. It's nice.

She shuts up.

DAVID
You know I think your boyfriend is
full of shit about seeing dogs.
Probably why he's taking so long
with his hunt. The dogs can
probably hunt him better than
he can hunt them. (starts tugging on
something in the body) Aaaaannnd...
(yanks out an organ) dinner!

EXT. SCORCHED EARTH - NIGHT

They cook the organ over a fire, not a traditional one, but
over a crack in the ground where occasional geysers of
flames burst out. It only takes one burst and David blows it
out. It's burnt to a crisp.

DAVID
And here we go. Gourmet demon
intestines cooked to perfection.

JEREMY (O.S.)
How about really BIG demon
intestines cooked to perfection?!

Pan over to Cecelia's boyfriend, JEREMY, who is hauling an
enormous DEMON on a cart, deceased and ready for the
cooking.

DAVID
Well that's the biggest fuckin' dog
I've ever seen.

JEREMY
Yeah, I was following the dogs,
then I saw this beast sleeping in a
cave, so I just plugged him.
I think it used to be a ferret. And a
nearby village was so grateful they
threw him on a cart and helped me
push him halfway here. I believe they
used to call him The Almighty El Nichi.
Go figure. It. Was. Awesome.

DAVID
This really is great, and we could
have it in the morning too, so we
can have some energy in us when we
see the Proeliators.

JEREMY
Why would we need energy for that?

DAVID
Well, Jeremy, our good friends the
Proeliators are supposedly not so
friendly. And by not so friendly I
mean they don't care for outsiders.
And by they don't care for
outsiders I mean they're psychotic
savages.

CECILIA
That's why Laura went there. She
wanted to go there and use her
charm to tame them, get to know
them better. Then once she had
their trust she would use the
Proeliators for transportation
purposes, the leather armor on
their backs serving as a cushy seat
- a saddle, if you will - to get
across the land to find a stable
home in a stable neighborhood, mate
with the Proeliators; ipso facto,
restarting civilization.

David and Jeremy stare back in astoundment.

DAVID
Yeah, I'm thinking no. She probably
just wanted to see if they'd help
her find food.

JEREMY
(energetic)
Who cares? Let's eat,
let's eat, let's eat!

EXT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE - DAY

David, Cecilia, and Jeremy stand at the gate, being told off
by the GUARD.

GUARD
You may not see Princess Laura at
anytime.

JEREMY
(relaxed, but mildly offended)
Pfft. You don't tell us what we can't do, asshole.

DAVID
Alright Jeremy, don't go crazy now.

JEREMY
Well we should do something, like
that eeehh... Jason
Statham. See, when things got him down,
he did something about it.

DAVID
(to Guard)
Don't mind him, he has crabs. (to
J and C) Come on, people.

He leads them around to the side of the small wall of
plywood and barbed wire surrounding the tiny village.

DAVID
There is always a way around.
And not just walls, but everything.

JEREMY
Including sexual harassment allegations?

CECILA
Why'd you ask?

JEREMY
(unconvincingly) Erm... no reason.

DAVID
We don't have time for this, lets go!

He inspects the other side of the wall, then gives the wood
a little tug, unsuccessful. He kicks it in instead.

INT. PROELIATOR VILLAGE

They crawl in through the hole in the wall.

JEREMY
(discreetly)
We should split up!

DAVID
Yes, deifinitely.

The three all walk toward the middle and lightly knock into
each other.

DAVID
Dammit.

EXT. HUT ROOF

Cecilia is tiptoeing across the roof and stops
on the "sunroof" of the house, a glass mirror on the
ceiling. She sees a PROELIATOR praying in his home. The
glass starts to crack and she quickly hops off onto the
solid wooden roof. She smiles in triumph. The wooden part of
the roof immediately gives and she falls to the floor of the
hut.

INT. HUT

The Proeliator looks at her with an enraged glare. He grabs
her by the throat and holds her against the wall, facing
him. While running short of air, she starts feeling at a
shelf nearby for a possible weapon. She feels a silencer.
Perfect. She uses the silencer to shoot into the glass case
next to the shelf and grab a stuffed giraffe out of it. She
ties the giraffe's neck around the Proeliator's throat and a
choking match ensues. Cecilia is inevitably the victor. She
hugs the stuffed giraffe affectionately.

EXT. HUT

David, sneaking from window to window, each Proeliator doing
something embarrassing, until he bumps into Cecilia,
obviously startling the both of them.

DAVID
So I take it you've already found
Laura?

CECILIA
Yeah, funny. There are two guards
over by that hut. It makes sense
that she'd be in there. Could you
help me take them out?

DAVID
Alright, let's do it quickly...

CECILIA
...and quietl-

JEREMY (O.S.)
(top of lungs)
HEY GUYS, I FOUND HER! COME QUICK!
RIGHT IN HERE!

The guards turn and see the two, who quickly take off for
the hut Jeremy's in.

INT. ROYAL HUT

They run in in excitement, then stop and their smiles fade.

DAVID
Oh my.

On a table lay Laura's horrifically mangled and disfigured
corpse, pounded, cut, and shot to a bloody pulp. Next to it,
Jeremy with his hands enthusiastically presenting it, proud
of himself.

JEREMY
You're not gonna believe this! It
turns out that when the Proeliators
find one they consider royalty,
they sacrifice them to God to help
ensure getting into Heaven once
they die. Isn't that great that we
found her?!

DAVID
Come on, let's go before they
murder us.

JEREMY
That seems a little high and
mighty. You don't know they'll
consider you royalty.

[HappyPalooza]

Great work on the rewrites, gonna finish the second half and post it by tonight.

Doesn't make a difference to me if we split the threads or not.

[SIR oinks alot]

so how many episodes a season? should it be the usual 13? or longer? or shorter?

[SIR oinks alot]

I got an idea for the "behind the scenes" episode. for the season(or series) finale, the show might be canceled because of ratings, and the writing crew has to save the show by some kind of hyped up special

[Mr Black]

is anyone actually gonna draw this, or is this cartoon for the blind?

[troymclure17]

is anyone actually gonna draw this, or is this cartoon for the blind?

I was just going to get on that. Can someone in charge send me character descriptions so i can start designing them?

[HappyPalooza]

Sorry I'm taking a while on the second half, getting way into this Tonight Show news for some reason, I should still be able to finish and post it later tonight though.

[General Jack D. Ripper]

I didn't really like that joke about the sexual allegations thing to be honest hammster. It's not a big deal, but I don't want Jeremy to be that perverted, we don't want a Quagmire on our hands. Not a sexual fiend, just a little bit of a pervert, the way a 15 year old guy might be. Plus, I thought it seemed a little forced. I don't really like it, but if HappyPalooza does, we'll keep it in.

[HappyPalooza]

It might be alright to keep "Including sexual harassment allegations?" or something of that nature but it's best left at that with the joke whizzing by without the other characters responding.

[HappyPalooza]

Second half. Didn't read it over, could suck:

EXT. ROYAL HUT

One of the guards runs up and quickly opens the door. All
that's inside is the head of the stuffed giraffe on one of
the corpse's exposed bones. Opening the door pulls a string
that sets off a crudely made spring-loaded pulley that
shoots the bone with the head on it at the doorway and goes
through the guard's throat.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

MUSIC: Pretty much any song by Creedence Clearwater Revival

David, Cecilia, and Jeremy are downing some beers. Some
drunken WHORE is hitting on David, intrigued by his demonic
parts, including small spikes and claws on his body.

WHORE
Wow... so you have both human and
demon parts?

DAVID
Yep.

WHORE
Wow! How did you do that?

DAVID
Well remember how before two months
ago, we were all rotting in hell,
being tortured, experimented on,
and torn apart by demons and
Lucifer himself for a thousand year
span? I think that was it.

WHORE
Oh yeah! Haha, I'm really drunk, so
I'm not making any sense!

DAVID
Don't give yourself too much credit
there.

WHORE
Do you wanna go around back and
take a look at something for me?

DAVID
Uh, as fun as chlamydia sounds, I
think I'll pass.

At the other end of the bar...

JEREMY
So after I kill the beast, I saw
off what I think is a tree attached
to it, for wood burning, y'know?
Turns out- it was the beast's
schlong! Aw man, you woulda loved
it!

Cecilia returns a blank stare. David, a little more loose,
comes between them to break up the awkward moment.

DAVID
What are you telling her about the
penis? Yeah, I heard it was huge.
It was bigger than yours, Ceci.
(beat) I'm just kidding, yours is
bigger.

He heads off to the can.

INT. MALE LAVATORY

David is peeing at a urinal, which is basically a
Porta-John. He gets a piss shiver and zips up. He goes to
use the sink, which is just a faucet, as it slowly runs a
disgusting muddy ooze. He decides he'd rather not risk
dangerous contamination while attempting to clean his hands
in a poetically ironic twist and walks out.

INT. BAR

Jeremy continues his story, now with many women surrounding
him, enthralled by his tale contrasting Cecilia's lack of
amusement in the tale. A rather weiner-like demon approaches
Cecilia.

DEMON
Hey there, lovely. Might I be so
inclined to buy you a drink?

CECILIA
No thank you.

DEMON
Lemme rephrase that. Might I be so
inclined to take you to the back of
the bar and send arousing
sensations running from your clit
to your other nerves, pounding and
pounding away like a jackhammer
into a pleasure pit until names are
shouted and juices are squirted?

CECILIA
No thank you.

JEREMY
(noticing)
Hey, what's going on over there?

DEMON
Nobody asked you.

JEREMY
No, I'm asking YOU. What are you
saying to my girlfriend, you damn
dirty demon?

DEMON
Just having a tiny bit of fun!

David intervenes.

DAVID
"Tiny bit of fun?" Is that your
nickname for it?

DEMON
Who the fuck is this guy?

DAVID
Come on, just pack it in dude
before you embarass yourself.

DEMON
Don't tell me what do!

He nudges David.

DAVID
Don't touch me.

DEMON
Don't tell me what to do!

DAVID
(mockingly, smiling)
Well don't touch me!

The demon lightly pokes him between the eyes.

DEMON
Touch.

David punches him in the face and he goes down, being kinda
little and stuff.

DEMON
Ooow, dammit! What is with you
humans? What the hell is wrong with
you?

DAVID
What?

DEMON
You spend all this time in Hell and
then you get out you still sin, you
go around killing people to avoid
dying and going back there but
you're gonna die anyway someday!
(beat) Take it from someone who
worked there, confessing in a
church isn't gonna do shit for what
you've been doing. Get over
yourselves and your egos and enjoy
this while you can.

David, already tipsy, takes this surprisingly true
philosophy in.

The demon leaves, maintaining his pride knowing he made an
impact.

CECILIA
(quickly)
G'bye.

JEREMY
What an idiot, things are gonna be
awesome, he doesn't know what he's
talking about.

David gets thinking, which is never a good thing, and rushes
back over to the bar.

MUSIC: "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals

David starts drinking more. Like a lot more.

EXT. RUN-DOWN CHURCH

David stands outside the building hurling rocks at it,
occasionally smashing a window as images flash of the events
that occurred on each impact. He curses God for having
neglected the humans, who were supposed to be his children.

DAVID
Why? What was the point of cleaning
up? Why didn't you just let us stay
there if you were gonna do such a
shitty job? Why?! What was the
point?!

Cecilia comes up to him once the dust settles.

CECILIA
It's not the worst...

DAVID
It is. This is it, this our
vacation from that place. And
there's nothing we can do to escape
it short of maybe doing something
huge like saving the world, because
we're not doing anything wrong! All
based on technicalities. Everything
has to be based on fucking
technicalities. Is it so awful to
excercise common sense?

CECILIA
Well then... we'll just have to do
something huge, won't we?

DAVID
Yep. I guess we will.

MUSIC: "Top of the World" by The Carpenters

PAN OUT as David and Cecilia look upon the unpromising
landscape that is their tragic future.

DAVID
Ceci, don't think about stuff. It
hurts too much.

CECILIA
Okay.

THE END.

so how many episodes a season? should it be the usual 13? or longer? or shorter?

Honestly, whichever we do I don't see lasting longer than ten episodes, even after we work out a groove for ourselves.

[General Jack D. Ripper]

Okay, looks good, here are my edits. The only thing I really worry about with this show is if it were to last a while, they'd sorta need one town to settle down at, so we could introduce recurring characters. And the whole first act didn't really have much of a point other than the Laura thing, but with a short format like this, I guess things like that are inevitable. No matter, here ya go:

EXT. ROYAL HUT

One of the guards runs up and quickly opens the door. All
that's inside is the head of the stuffed giraffe on one of
the corpse's exposed bones. Opening the door pulls a string
that sets off a crudely made spring-loaded pulley that
shoots the bone with the head on it at the doorway and goes
through the guard's throat.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

MUSIC: Feelin' Blue by Creedence Clearwater Revival

David, Cecilia, and Jeremy are downing some beers. Some
drunken WHORE is hitting on David, intrigued by his demonic
parts, including small spikes and claws on his body.

WHORE
Wow... so you have both human and
demon parts?

DAVID
Yep.

WHORE
Wow! How did you do that?

DAVID
Well remember how before two months
ago, we were all rotting in hell,
being tortured, experimented on,
and torn apart by demons and
Lucifer himself for a thousand year
span? I think that was it.

WHORE
Oh yeah! Haha, I'm really drunk, so
I'm not making any sense!

DAVID
Don't give yourself too much credit
there.

WHORE
Do you wanna go around back and
take a look at something for me?

DAVID
Uh, as fun as chlamydia sounds, I
think I'll pass.

At the other end of the bar...

JEREMY
So after I kill the beast, I saw
off what I think is a tree attached
to it, for wood burning, y'know?
Turns out- it was the beast's
schlong! Aw man, you woulda loved
it!

Cecilia returns a blank stare. David, a little more loose,
comes between them to break up the awkward moment.

DAVID
Yes, Ceci, I know you woulda
just loved that giant demon schlong.
I mean, who wouldn't have?

He heads off to the can.

INT. MALE LAVATORY

David is peeing at a urinal, which is basically a
Porta-John. He gets a piss shiver and zips up. He goes to
use the sink, which is just a faucet, as it slowly runs a
disgusting muddy ooze. He decides he'd rather not risk
dangerous contamination while attempting to clean his hands
in a poetically ironic twist and walks out.

INT. BAR

Jeremy continues his story, now with many women surrounding
him, enthralled by his tale contrasting Cecilia's lack of
amusement in the tale. A rather weiner-like demon approaches
Cecilia.

DEMON
(with a surprisingly refined accent)
Hey there, lovely. Might I be so
inclined to buy you a drink?

CECILIA
No thank you.

DEMON
Lemme rephrase that. Might I be so
inclined to take you to the back of
the bar and give you one hell of a twenty
minutes, maybe some names are shouted,
some juices are squirted?

CECILIA
No thank you.

JEREMY
(noticing)
Hey, what's going on over there?

DEMON
Nobody asked you.

JEREMY
No, I'm asking YOU. What are you
saying to my girlfriend, you damn
dirty demon?

DEMON
Just having a tiny bit of fun!

David intervenes.

DAVID
"Tiny bit of fun?" Is that your
nickname for it?

DEMON
Who the fuck is this guy?

DAVID
Come on, just pack it in dude
before you embarass yourself.

DEMON
Don't tell me what do!

He nudges David.

DAVID
Don't touch me.

DEMON
Don't tell me what to do!

DAVID
(mockingly, smiling)
Well don't touch me!

The demon lightly pokes him between the eyes.

DEMON
Touch. Touch, touch, touch.

David punches him in the face and he goes down, being kinda
little and stuff.

DEMON
Ooow, dammit! What is with you
humans? What the hell is wrong with
you?

DAVID
What?

DEMON
You spend all this time in Hell and
then you get out and you still sin, you
go around killing people to avoid
dying and going back there but
you're gonna die anyway someday!
(beat) Take it from someone who
worked there, confessing in a
church isn't gonna do shit for what
you've been doing. Get over
yourselves and your egos and enjoy
this while you can.

David, already tipsy, takes this surprisingly true
philosophy in. But then the demon breaks his
noble streak.

DEMON
(crying)
You stupid... pieces of crap!

The demon leaves, maintaining his pride knowing he made an
impact.

CECILIA
(quickly)
G'bye.

JEREMY
What an idiot, things are gonna be
awesome, he doesn't know what he's
talking about.

David gets thinking, which is never a good thing, and rushes
back over to the bar.

MUSIC: "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals

David starts drinking more. Like a lot more.

EXT. RUN-DOWN CHURCH

David stands outside the building hurling rocks at it,
occasionally smashing a window as images flash of the events
that occurred on each impact. He curses God for having
neglected the humans, who were supposed to be his children.

DAVID
Why? What was the point of cleaning
up? Why didn't you just let us stay
there if you were gonna do such a
shitty job? Why?! What was the
point?!

Cecilia comes up to him once the dust settles.

CECILIA
It's not the worst...

DAVID
It is. This is it, this our
vacation from that place. And
there's nothing we can do to escape
it short of maybe doing something
huge like saving the world, because
we're not doing anything wrong!
Have you ever heard that story
about the peole who prayed in a
church after an earthquake, and
the goddamn church just, poof,
collapsed on them. Poof. All about
the right place at the right time, or the
wrong place at the wrong time.
All based on technicalities. Everything
has to be based on fucking
technicalities. Is it so awful to
excercise common sense?

CECILIA
Well then... we'll just have to do
something huge, won't we?

DAVID
Yep. I guess we will.

MUSIC: "Top of the World" by The Carpenters

PAN OUT as David and Cecilia look upon the unpromising
landscape that is their tragic future. They are near the top
of a large hill.

DAVID
Ceci, don't think about stuff. It
hurts too much.

CECILIA
Okay.

JEREMY
(off screen)
Hey, the church bell still works!

He begins ringing it.

THE END.

[hammster]

It might be alright to keep "Including sexual harassment allegations?" or something of that nature but it's best left at that with the joke whizzing by without the other characters responding.

This would probably be better...

I can't think of any edits to make to the version we have now. Also where'd the 'Behind the Scenes' people go? And what are we calling the post-apocalyptic show?

[HappyPalooza]

Okay, looks good, here are my edits. The only thing I really worry about with this show is if it were to last a while, they'd sorta need one town to settle down at, so we could introduce recurring characters. And the whole first act didn't really have much of a point other than the Laura thing, but with a short format like this, I guess things like that are inevitable.

Yeah, the plot isn't very tight, but after the pilot to establish everything plots will get more structured for sure. The first half with the search for Laura is mean to be more of a false set-up that ties in with the "wanting something" and needing a reason to even bother keeping going that is lost shortly and remains a difficult thing for the characters in the episode and the series.

The part that's the problem is that the episode doesn't really have a middle. I tried fleshing things out a little but didn't want to force it, plus the episode is actually long as hell for an animator as we've been going over.

As far as settling down, it's certainly a possibility, but I think having them stay in a hopeful community with lots of supporting characters could become kind of a lot like other animated sitcoms. I was thinking we could have them return to locations and settings and characters, while creating a whole world instead of restricting to one little town. Like the politician character would be on a much wider scale, trying to rebuild society with governmental efforts but being shunned mostly on the basis of being a politician. But I don't want to force any of my ideas, settling down could actually be a really good idea and I'm not just saying that.

This would probably be better...

I can't think of any edits to make to the version we have now. Also where'd the 'Behind the Scenes' people go? And what are we calling the post-apocalyptic show?

I was thinking the same thing. Where the fuck did everyone go? I knew the interest would begin to fade at some point, but damn. And as far as the title goes, Life After Afterlife sounds like the best to me as of right now.

[General Jack D. Ripper]

I was thinking that we could have a primary town type thing, but the three main characters (plus occasionally other characters based on the episode) would still trek and travel around a lot. Like they might be at the town one episode, and just wandering around the next, hunting or looking for something. Or your idea could work, where they aren't chained to one place, but there are a few established areas, tribes, etc. Life After Afterlife seems appropriate, but we can change it if anything better comes up.
Did you like my little addition to David's monologue at the end?

[Green Man]

so, I just rewrote the entire script fox executive posted here and added an ending (a very surprising ending btw)

I'll post it tomorrow after I rewrite it some more, because I want it to be great

[Dynamo]

okay im officially confused. Are we starting with the Post Pock one?

and what are all of the confirmed characters and personalities. I will then gladly write a script.

[Green Man]

we're doing both shows...

...and we're also creating our own network

[hammster]

Once we have both pilots done I will start a thread for each premise making this one just for discussion of both and/or discussing the creation of animated sitcoms (such as requesting help). So I need names for both premises.

[Fox Executive]

so, I just rewrote the entire script fox executive posted here and added an ending (a very surprising ending btw)

I'll post it tomorrow after I rewrite it some more, because I want it to be great

I can't wait. I'm really looking forward to your ending!