My bad "Twilight" parody titled "SUCK!" (from 2009)

[The Governor]

OPENING SCENE: MISS HOOVER'S CLASS. SHE IS SEATED AT HER DESK READING AN "US WEEKLY" MAGAZINE AND IS DULLY ADDRESSING THE CLASS AS A MALE STUDENT IS STANDING BEFORE EVERYONE.

MISS HOOVER:
Class, this is Edmund and I won't even bother trying to pronounce his last name because I don't want another discrimination lawsuit. He's a transplant from Boston.

EDMOND WAVES TO THE CLASS AND LISA IS SMITTEN BY HIS CLEAN-CUT, BORDERLINE 'PREP' ATTIRE.

LISA: (Thinking)
Wow! He's the first second-grader I've to not have a jelly-belly and he appears to actually know how to come his hair without having chunks of hair missing from his head.

EDMUND SMILES.

LISA: (Thinking)
Ohhh....he's got teeth that's actually not the same color as his skin. (giddy) I've got to sit next to him at lunch!

EDMUND:
Well, class...There's not much to say, but at my old school, I was a junior polo champion and I took care of ponies for my grandfather's estate back in Europe.

OFF-SCREEN, LISA LET'S OUT AN 'AHHH' AND THE SOUND OF A 'THUD' IS HEARD.

CUT TO THE LUNCHROOM. LISA IS SITTING ACROSS FROM EDMUND WITH A BAG OF ICE ON HER FOREHEAD. SHE REMOVES IT, REVEALING A LUMP.

EDMUND:
Quite a nasty bump you took...what was your name again?

LISA:
It's Lisa. So, uh...you like books and, uh, stuff?

EDMUND:
Yes, actually I do. Back at my house, I have the complete works of Shakespeare, all first edition. Plus thousands of books that haven't seen the light of day outside of the villages they were printed in back in the 17th century.

LISA:
That's amazing, Edmund! (rubs her bumped forehead) Oh, this thing will be here forever!

EDMUND REACHES OVER AND PUTS HIS HAND ON THE LUMP. LISA LET'S OUT A GASP AS A WEIRD, COLD RUSH HITS HER.

LISA:
Oh, god, your hand felt colder than the ice pack! (touches forehead) It's gone! How did you--

EDMUND:
Lisa, can you take a walk with me?

CUT TO LISA AND EDMUND AS THEY WALK IN A DESERTED PART OF THE SCHOOLYARD. THE COLD, FALL BREEZE STIRS UP THE LEAVES AS THE TWO STAND FACE TO FACE.

EDMUND:
Lisa, you seem like a nice girl and there's something I should tell you before we--

SUDDENLY NELSON AND KEARNEY COME RUNNING OVER FROM THE MONKEY BARS.

NELSON: (Knocks the books out of Edmund's hands)
Hey Lisa! Who's the dork you're dating this week? I'm willing to bet the only reason he likes you is he's trying pass some lame-o test.

EDMUND:
Apologize to Lisa. I'll give you one chance.

NELSON:
Okay, jerk. Lisa, I'm sorry I had to beat your 'boyfriend' up.

NELSON TAKES A SWING AT EDMUND, BUT EDMUND, WITH A BORED LOOK ON HIS FACE, CATCHES NELSON'S FIST AND WITH HIS OTHER FREE HAND, EDMUND LIFTS NELSON UP AND TOSSES HIM ABOUT TEN FEET BACK AND NELSON LANDS ON HIS UPPER BACK AND THE MOMENTUM CAUSES HIM TO ROLL AND LAND ON HIS STOMACH.

KEARNY: (runs off)
I forgot, I have to set my tivo to Dr. Phil so I can improve my relationships at home!

CUT TO LISA AND EDMUND AS EDMUND LOOKS DOWN AT NELSON. SUDDENLY, EDMUND'S EYES GLOW RED AND HIS TWO FANGS BECOME VERY NOTICEABLE.

LISA:
Y-You're a vampire!? But it's daytime AND you're going to drink Nelson's blood!?

EDMUND: (fangs retract and his eyes return to normal)
'sigh' Lisa, no, I'm not. I don't hunt people--I have not for almost 120 years. I've been trapped in this pre-teen body for almost an eternity and I since I was born a vampire, I'm not sure if I'll pass this stage in my development anytime soon.

LISA:
Oh, that's terrible. You're so handsomely different and I'm assuming people must judge you all the time.

EDMUND:
Lisa, you have a wisdom that goes beyond your 8 years, but I'm afraid it won't ever work out between us.

LISA:
But why?

EDMUND:
If you waited for me to grow into an adult, it could take another 100 years, and by then you'll have passed on, but if I 'changed' you, you'd be stuck at whatever age you were turned. You need to think about this.

LISA:
Edmund, it's so nice to meet a boy who is truly wise and isn't some burly bristler and is one who can hopefully tolerate the vegan lifestyle.

EDMUND:
Well Lisa, if you must know, I'm a vegan, too--I don't eat animals, I just drink their blood, plus I carry dental floss with me at all times just in case I get fur stuck in my teeth. I use minty flavored!

LISA:
Uh...Well, better safe than sorry. (nervous laughter) So, uh...you don't bite people much?

EDMUND:
No, me and my father had to quit because our family was gettting sued by the surviving relatives. The family castle in Romania wound up going on the auction block because we were so much in the red. Damn those lawyers--they're the REAL bloodsuckers!

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOUSE AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE

BART:
So, Lisa, how was your date last night with that goth dude?

LISA:
Bart, for the last time, he's a VAMPIRE!

BART:
Okay, how was your date with Batman?

LISA:
'sigh' Bart, he doesn't like being called that. He says it's a misrepresentation of his homeland's culture.

HOMER:
Culture-smulture! Lisa, I forbid you from seeing a boy who stays out all night and sleeps all day and drinks protein shakes for dinner!

MARGE:
But Kirsty Ally did all those things, Homer, and you idolized her!

HOMER:
Apples and oranges, Marge. Apples and oranges.

MARGE:
Hrmmmm....

BART:
Yeah, and Lisa....If you do 'change' and become a vampire, you'll be able to bodyslam me with your pinky finger and that wouldn't bode well for my self-esteem.

LISA:
Well, that makes being one of the undead even more inviting, even moreso than joining the Democratic party.

CUT TO EDMUND'S HOME, WHERE IT'S DARK IN THE LIVING ROOM AS EDMUND IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A 60 INCH FLATSCREEN TV AS HIS FATHER, DRACULA, ENTERS.

DRACULA:
Well, son. I've had visions that you and one Lisa Simpson are trying to be a couple. I really hope your not serioulsy pursuing her as in this family there's too many unwanted bitings.

EDMUND:
Father, this time it's different, she's pursuing ME!

DRAC:
Yes, yes, I'm sure she'll just trip and fall on your fangs.

EDMUND:
Father! Lisa is a very educated girl and has respect for our kind.

DRAC:
Uh, uh...that's what the humans all say, then they try to convert you christianty and when we say 'no' we get a cross usually burned into our foreheads.

EDMUND:
Father, you're stuck in the past. What once the humans considered freakish and bizzarre is now idolized for it's uniquness. Just look at this:

EDMUND TURNS THE TV ON AND A VIDEO WITH LADY GAGA IS PLAYING.

DRACULA WATCHES FOR A FEW SECONDS AND IS HORRIFIED.

DRAC:
Bah! Turn it off, and I never thought I'd see the day when a human could turn a vampire into something worse!

EDMUND:
Father, I just want to fit in for once and make friends with classmates before they pass away from old age and I want to have Lisa by my side as the decades fall way into the darkness.

DRAC:
Edmond, no! I cannot allow this 'mingling' with the mortals, regardless how much you want to 'hang out' and look cool.


tbc

[Fox Executive]

nah, too good.

[Green Man]

better than the movie that's for sure

[D'ohmer]

As some of you probably already know, I'm almost certain that the Twilight parody will suck. Having said that, I think you did the best you could with the plot, which, unfortunately, isn't very good at all. I'm sorry, Jake, but at least you know it's bad. I actually don't think the plot could possibly be executed any better, so this will probably still be better than the one in next year's THOH..

[bartyboy]

The best anything twilight can get.

[Green Man]

have you read



it's beyond awesome

[The Governor]

EDMUND:
Father, I just want to feel good about myself, can't you just let me have that!?

DRAC:
'sigh' It's all about self-esteem in schools these days! Listen, Edmund, if everyone grew up with high-self esteem, those pretty girls wouldn't have danced for me at your mother's funeral.

EDMUND LET'S OUT A 'SIGH' OF DISSAPOINTMENT.

CUT TO MS. HOOVERS CLASS. MS. HOOVER IS OPENING A BOTTLE OF NO-DOZE AND PULLS A PILL CRUSHER OUT FROM HER DESK DRAWER. SHE CRUSHES ABOUT FIVE PILLS AND MIXES THEM WITH A CAN OF JOLT COLA. SHE QUICKLY DOWNS THE MIXTURE AND WEARLIY ADDRESSES THE CLASS.

HOOVER:
First, I'd like to quell the rumors of my last name being a nickname because I suck...at teaching. If anyone here knows how started that awful, awful rumor, please feel free to tattle and I'll add 10 points to your next test.

RALPH RAISES HIS HAND.

HOOVER:
'sigh' Yeah, ralph.

RALPH:
The answer is 42.

HOOVER:
For the last time, Ralph, you can't travel through time!

CUT TO EDUMND AND LISA.

LISA:
Edmund, so what's the plan for after class?

EDMUND:
We'll head for the woods and then hopefully we can have some privacy to talk.

A JITTERY MS. HOOVER INTERUPTS.

HOOVER:
Will you two puppy-lovebirds BE QUIET! It's bad enough I have to babysit you little "censored" for seven-and-a-half hours becasue I cannot get another job because of the economy, but WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE A BUNCH OF KIDS!?

LISA:
Because we are kids?

HOOVER: (yelling)
Stop talking back, Lisa!

SUDDENLY HOOVER FALLS TO HER KNEES AND BEGINS TO SOB. THERE'S AN AWKWARD SILENCE AS THE CLASS EXCHANGES NERVOUS GLANCES WHEN RALPH SAYS SOMETHING.

RALPH:
You're crashing!

LISA AND EDMUND HOP OVER THE FENCE BEHIND THE SCHOOL AND RUN DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL WHERE THEY ENTER A LIGHTLY WOODED AREA AND THE FURTHER THEY VENTURE, THE TREES BECOME MORE NUMEROUS AND DENSER UNTIL THERE'S HARDLY ANY LIGHT FILTERING THROUGH.

EDMUND:
Isn't it beautiful, Lisa? The darkness and quiet that can bring piece to one's soul is plentiful in this place.

LISA:
Yeah, it is a nice place to avoid my brother and become one with, uh, the dark side of nature.

EDMUND:
Lisa, in all the years of being one of the undead, you are the first girl who's truly made me feel almost alive, just like that nurse who tried to perform CPR on me.

LISA:
Oh, Edmund...(she gives him a hug) The more I know you, the more I never want to grow up. I feel just like a Toy's R Us kid.

SUDDENLY, A LARGE WOLF LEAPS FROM THE BUSHES AND LANDS IN FRONT OF LISA AND EDMUND.

EDMUND:
Oh god! Lisa get back!

THE WOLF LEAPS FOR LISA WHEN EDMUND JUMPS UP AND THE PAIR COLLIDE AND COME CRASHING TO THE GROUND. AFTER A FEW SECONDS OF WRESTLING AROUND, THE WOLF LET'S OUT A 'YELP' OF PAIN AND EDMUND STANDS UP AND LISA COMES RUSHING BACK TO EDMUND'S SIDE.

LISA:
Edmund, what happened?

LISA LOOKS DOWN AT THE WOLF AS IT'S HUNCHED OVER IN A SEMI-FETAL POSITION AND THE TWO FRONT PAWS ARE BETWEEN THE HIND LEGS. SUDDENLY, IT LOOKS UP AT LISA AND EDMUND.

WOLF:
Hey, Edmund, you didn't have to kick me in the crotch, I was just messin' with you two!

EDMUND:
Steve, how many times have I told you, don't be a chowder head, or I'll have a veternerian chemically neuter you, so you'd better change back and walk it off.

WOLF/STEVE:
I would, but we're in mixed company.

STEVE WHIMPERS HIS WAY BACK INTO THE BRUSH.

LISA: (trembling)
W-Werewolves exist!? I don't know how much more of this I can take!

EDMUND:
Yeah, they exist, Lisa. I've known Steve since the Civil War, he's a real prankster.

to be concluded.

[D'ohmer]

Nothing much more to day that I didn't say in my previous post.

[The Governor]

CUT TO THE SIMPSONS HOUSE: THE KITCHEN.

LISA IS HELPING MARGE DRY THE DISHES.

MARGE:
So, how was your day, Lisa? Did you have anything unusual you would like to discuss?

LISA:
Well...my teacher is a caffene-pill popper, my boyfriend is a vampire and his best friend is a werewolf. Other than that, there's not really anything strange.

MARGE:
Well, that's good, honey. Your father is still mad that you haven't broken it off with Edmund and he's planning on paying a visit to Edmunds father to help end your little romance.

LISA:
But mom, Edmund is the first boy who looks like he's my age that I really like!

MARGE:
Well, there will be others.

LISA:
Yeah, but how many guys can say: "We'll be together forever" and actually mean it?

MARGE:
But what if you don't like him? You'll be a bitter-entrapped 8 year old for the rest of your life. Look at Courtney Love--she's stuck in a Hole she can't get out of. (calmly) Look, Lisa, I'm your mother and you're my daughter and whatever choices you make, we'll support you 100 percent.

LISA:
Thanks, mom. (smiling) Can I get a tounge ring?

MARGE:
Oh heavens no!

CUT TO HOMER WHO IS STANDING ON THE FRONT PORCH OF EDMUND'S HOME. HOMER RINGS THE DOORBELL AND THE 'DING DONG' SOUND IS HEARD.

HOMER: (thinking)
Hmm...I was expecting a doorbell that would make ghoulish sounds. (looks around) This isn't the kind of home I'd expect Dracula to live in. It's too suburban.

DRACUAL OPENS THE FRONT DOOR.

DRACULA:
Can I help you?

HOMER:
Hey, I'm on to you and if you try taking a bite out of my neck, I got got some garlic! (Homer pulls some garlic out from behind his back and shoves it Drac's face) Hah! I've outsmarted you, Mr. Dracuala!

DRAC: (dully annoyed)
Look, I don't know what folklore you've been downloading off the internets, but garlic doesn't hurt our kind, in fact, why in the hell would you bring garlic to ANY stranger's home? That stuff leaves an awful stench that takes many days to go away.

HOMER:
Well, if the garlic doesn't work...TAKE THIS!

HOMER SPRAYS SOME FLUID OUT OF AN ATOMIZER INTO DRAC'S EYES AND DRACULA LET'S OUT A SCREAM OF PAIN. HOMER LAUGHS AND LOOKS AT HIS BOTTLE IN HIS HAND AND IT READS 'Chanel No.5".

HOMER:
Oh, crap, Marge's is going to kill me.

DRAC:
What the hell is wrong with you? (sees another atomizer in Homer's other hand) Give me that!

DRAC SPRAYS SOME OF THE OTHER ATOMIZER FLUID INTO HIS EYES AND THE PAIN IS GREATLY REDUCED. HE HANDS THE BOTTLE BACK TO HOMER WHICH READS "Holy Water"

HOMER: (embarressed)
Uh, sorry...

DRAC:
Listen you crazy person, WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

HOMER: (serious)
Well, your son has been putting the moves on my daughter, Lisa. I want him to stop immediately because I don't want him to change her into a blood sucking, partying, rebellious child from hell! She can act that way when she becomes a teenager and until then--

DRAC:
I'm not sure what lifestyle you think I am teaching my son to lead, but I can assure you, he's the most well behaved child in your Springfield elementary. In fact, I've been telling him for over three hundred years now that he shouldn't be dating a human and stick to a female vampire whenever he does grow up.

mtc

[D'ohmer]

Nothing much more to day that I didn't say in my previous post.

.

[Green Man]

Listen, you crazy person, WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

this is going to be useful

[The Governor]

HOMER:
If that's how you feel, why don't we do a little parental meddling.

DRAC:
For once, you have something that doesn't make me wish I was suicide proof, but what if our children REALLY do care about eachother?

HOMER:
The truth doesn't matter when we have hate on OUR side!

SUDDENLY, HOMER HEARS LISA'S VOICE FROM BEHIND HIM. HE TURNS AROUND TO SEE EDMUND, FANGS DRIPPING WITH BLOOD, HOLDING LISA'S HAND AND LISA HOLDING A BIT OF GAUZE UP TO HER NECK WITH BLOOD ON IT. HOMER FALLS TO HIS KNEES.

LISA:
Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like this, but everything's fine.

HOMER: (crying)
What? Everything's not fine! My only daughter is now a vampire and will never grow up and put me in a nice nursing home!

LISA:
But dad--

HOMER: (crying, even moreso)
No, no, no! I'll just have to to better with the other one!

LISA: (annoyed)
Dad, I'm not a vampire! I wasn't paying attention to where I was going in the woods and walked into a branch. The bleeding should subside soon.

EDMUND:
And Lisa was thirsty and all I could find at school was a can of V8, but no can opener so I used my fangs to poke holes so the juice would flow out.

HOMER:
Phew! For a moment there, you had me over a barrel, Lisa.

LISA:
Yeah, dad. Edmund and I have decided to just be friends.

HOMER:
Aww, I just wish I had a camera to capture this moment so I could use it in court in case the blood hits the fan.

DRAC:
So, Mr. Crazy Father, if the matter is settled, please get off my front porch. The value of homes in this neighborhood is falling enough without you darkening my doorstep.

DRACULA SLAMS THE DOOR.

HOMER: (rubs Lisa's head)
I'm going home to have some quality time with your mother, then I'll be at Moes for the rest of the night. If there's anything you want, expect it by next thursday and that's if I'm sober enough to remember.

LISA:
Thanks, dad.

HOMER WALKS AWAY WITH A HAPPY STRUT IN HIS STEP.

EDMUND:
So, Lisa, do you think they fell for it?

LISA: (leaning against Edmund)
Yeah, you and me, extra strength, being able to see at night...I dont see a downside to this.

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AND THE WORDS "50 YEARS LATER" APPEAR.

LISA, STILL A CHILD, IS HOLDING A KNIFE AND IS CHASING A CRAWLING WOMAN THROUGH A GREENHOUSE AND IS STABBING HER IN THE LEGS AND THE WOMAN IS KICKING AT LISA WHEN LISA TAKES A KICK TO THE NOSE.

LISA: (covering her bleeding nose)
Owww! Can you please be more careful!?

SUDDENLY THE WORDS: "CUT! CUT!" ARE HEARD.

DIRECTOR:
'sigh' Lisa, sorry about that. Merriam, please watch with the thrashing of the legs.

MERRIAM RUBS HER HEAD AS THE MAKE-UP ARTIST IS APPLYING MORE FAKE BLOOD.

LISA:
I need to take a moment....

LISA WALKS OFF AND SHE SEES AN ADULT EDMUND AND A HOT BRUNETTE MAKING OUT. EDMUND LAUGHS AND THE BRUNETTE SADLY LOOKS AT LISA.

LISA:
You know, because of your idiotic lying and promises, I'm now stuck as an 8 year old forever and the only job I've been able to make any money on has been these damn "Orphan" remakes every 23 years and appearing in midget contests. Edmund, if you weren't my manager, I'd...I'd...

EDMUND:
You'd do....what, Lisa? Hey, I told you something like this may happen and I never realized how cool your brother was. He taught me how to have so much fun before I 'grew' up. God bless his soul....

SUDDENLY, THE DIRECTOR'S VOICE IS HEARD OVERHEAD.

DIRECTOR:
Lisa Simpson, please report back to the set for take 50 of the Greenhouse scene!

LISA WEARILY PUTS HER HEAD DOWN, WALKS BACK TO THE SET LISA AND IS HANDED THE KNIFE AS SHE TAKES HER PLACE.

LISA: (thinking)
Lousy, stupid becoming a vampire for some boy. I just set the women's movement back indefinately!

THE SCENE SLOWLY PULLS BACK AS LISA STABBING THE WOMAN IS IN THE BACKGROUND AND EDMUND AND THE HOT BRUNETTE ARE IN THE FORGROUND PASSIONETLY KISSING.

THE END.

[D'ohmer]

Weird ending, but everything else still applies to what I said before. Overall, this script isn't good (IMO), but that's not your fault because you didn't come up with the plot. I thought you executed it well.