"Curb Your Simpthusiasm" - A fanscript

[Jims]

A couple writer's notes:

I've never written a fanscript, aside from the "Siblings of Questionable Morals" contributions. I'm going to try to write/post a scene (or mini-scene) each night, kinda like I'm doing a NaNoWriMo. Hopefully, at that rate, it'll be done in a week or two. Remember, it's my first attempt, so keep your 1/5 votes to a minimum.

(The plot is all worked out beforehand. With a Curb/Seinfeld-style plot, it takes a lot of planning to get all the plot points to come together properly. I have to warn you (because it's Curb) that almost the whole script is going to be arguments between different people.)

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INT, Inside Krusty's luxury clown car.

SIDESHOW MEL is in the driver's seat, sporting a dapper chauffeur's hat. KRUSTY THE CLOWN, looking bored, is sitting in the passenger seat beside him. He is gingerly holding a tattered white envelope in his hand.

SIDESHOW MEL
You know, Krusty, on-screen chemistry is important and all, and I'm glad we're doing stuff together, but I didn't plan on driving you around town all day.

KRUSTY
It's not "all day." We're just going to the Cardmark Store, to get my father a birthday card.

SIDESHOW MEL
What did you get him?

KRUSTY (opening the envelope)
A night on the town! Two tickets to see "Rent" and $200 for dinner.

SIDESHOW MEL
Your father's a rabbi, and you got him "Rent" tickets? What about "Fiddler on the Roof"?

KRUSTY (suddenly flying into a rage)
"Fiddler on the Roof"? Because a Jewish person going to a theatre must be seeing "Fiddler on the Roof." I'm so sick of the show. I live "Fiddler on the Roof," Mel. I live it.

SIDESHOW MEL
Sorry.

KRUSTY (sarcastically)
You want to go to the latke store? Maybe I should buy a new yamulke today?

SIDESHOW MEL
Do you talk to your regular chauffeur this way too?

KRUSTY
Only on Sundays.

Sideshow Mel sighs and rolls his eyes. Krusty's sudden outburst has made the vehicle rather stuffy, so Sideshow Mel presses a button and rolls down the windows. A burst of wind gushes through the car, sweeping the white envelope out of Krusty's hand. It lands on the sidewalk near The First Church of Springfield.

Cut to HOMER SIMPSON, dressed in his fancy blue suit. He is walking from his car toward the front door of the church.

HOMER (talking to himself)
Geez, when are they going to get valet service here?

Homer comes across a white envelope lying on the ground appealingly. He picks it up and discovers the $200 and theater tickets inside.

HOMER
And on the eighth day, God invented two hundred dollars. And it was good.

Homer, gleeful from his good luck, happily strolls into the church. Moments later, Krusty's clown car parks nearby. Krusty and Sideshow Mel emerge from the car to search for the missing envelope.

KRUSTY
You know, my chauffeur also wouldn't lose my stuff either.

SIDESHOW MEL
You hired me for being shot out of a cannon, not driving you around.

KRUSTY
It's my fault, anyway. I should've just brought Mr. Teeny instead.

SIDESHOW MEL
Well, Mr. Teeny isn't here, and neither is the envelope. Maybe we should inquire inside the church? Perhaps a Good Samiritan found it.

KRUSTY (looking at the church)
Mmmmmm, I don't know...

SIDESHOW MEL
Why not?

KRUSTY
I'm Jewish. I can't walk into a church on a Sunday. Everyone would look at me shocked, that a Jew would dare show his face at church on a Sunday.

SIDESHOW MEL
So your being Jewish suddenly matters again?

KRUSTY
Going in there would be weird.

SIDESHOW MEL
You should give them a chance. They're even having a potluck meal today.

Sideshow Mel points to the church sign, which reads, "POTLUCK TODAY - PLEASE DON'T BRING MACARONI SALAD".

KRUSTY
Meh. Let's just get another pair of tickets.

Krusty and Sideshow Mel exit.

[Importer-Exporter]

It's very good, can't wait to see more. great first script!

[sung]

definitely better than my first script

it's actually pretty good btw. the conversations are going smooth from what i can tell ... i'd like to see more to evaluate further tho

[Jims]

INT, Church fellowship hall

A large buffet of food is setup on a row of tables. It consists of several Crock-Pots and countless pots and pans filled with mysterious foods of varying colors. And there is, of course, a myriad of macaroni salads and brownie trays.

A large line of church members is slowly moving through the buffet. At the beginning of the buffet, there is a wicker basket sitting on a table, with REVEREND LOVEJOY standing next to it. MARGE, BART, LISA, and Homer are approaching him.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Remember, everyone, the proceeds of today's special offering for the buffet will go toward the completion of the new stain glass window in the sanctuary.

HOMER (conversing with Marge)
A second offering? This church really nickels and dimes you.

MARGE
Well, maybe you shouldn't have dumped just a handful of change in the offering plate earlier.

HOMER
Hey, I'm not going to write a check for thirty-seven cents.

MARGE
Just pay for the meal. It's going to be cheaper than Krusty Burger anyway.

Marge, Lisa, and Bart each proceed to the buffet, grabbing brown plastic serving trays. Homer approaches the offering basket, with Reverend Lovejoy at hand.

HELEN LOVEJOY (approaching, excitedly)
Tim, we need more plastic forks and knives!

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I told you we should've gone with knorks. I think there's an extra box in the kitchen.

As the Reverend departs for the important task, Homer goes through his pockets for cash. Not finding any in his wallet, he pulls out the envelope he found on the sidewalk. He looks at the two individual hundred-dollar bills and hesitates.

HOMER
I'm not paying a hundred dollars for gourmet macaroni salad. I could go to The Singing Sirloin for that kind of money.

Homer looks at the basket and sees several twenty-dollar bills at the top of the pile. After a moment of thought, Homer drops the hundred-dollar bill and withraws four twenties from the pile, essentially making change.

As Homer withdraws the cash, Reverend Lovejoy suddenly re-appears, holding a box of plasticware in his hand.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (dropping the box)
What are you doing?

HOMER
What do you mean?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You just took money from the love offering.

HOMER
I was making change. All I had was a hundred dollar bill.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You threw a handful of change into the offering during service today. I could hear the clamor from the pulpit.

HOMER (pointing)
You can see the hundred dollars in the basket.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That may be, but you can't make change in the offering.

HOMER
Why?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
When you put money in, it becomes the Lord's money. Do you want to take money from the Lord?

HOMER (grumbling)
Maybe the Lord should invest in a change machine.

Hearing the ruckus, a crowd begins to form around the two of them.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Drop the money.

Homer and Reverend Lovejoy eyes meet, both staring at each other as in a battle of wills. Lovejoy's glare is piecing, bringing a sense of both disappointment and intensified piousness. Homer's hand is still extended above the basket, still clutching the twenties in his hand.

HOMER (dropping the money)
Fine.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (suddenly kind)
The church thanks you for your donation.

Homer storms away in the direction of the buffet.

[Importer-Exporter]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

[Jims]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

Thanks!

The idea came from a church potluck I went to a couple weeks ago. They had a voluntary donation basket there. Since they were providing a meal, I figured $5 or $10 bucks would be fair. All I had was twenties in my wallet. In the end, I just put in the $20 and moved on. I could just envision a really awkward moment (like the one in the script) if I tried to make change.

For some reason, making change in the offering does seem kinda tacky. I'm not sure why.

[Fox Executive]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

exactly. If you check my avatar, you'll know that Curb is one of my favourite show, so it's awesome to see you write in its style.

[Jims]

INT, Moe's Tavern.

Homer is sitting at the bar, still wearing his church clothes. Other barflies, as usual, are slouched slovenly on several nearby barstools. These include the usual crew: LENNY, CARL, BARNEY, as well as MOE standing behind the counter serving drinks.

LENNY (finishing a story)
...And that's how I became emperor of Paraguay.

All the barflies cheer appreciatively.

MOE
What a story!

LENNY
It was full of plot twists and humorous situations. I wish everyone could've seen it.

CARL
Yeah, our lives are pretty boring.

Everyone sighs.

HOMER (proudly)
Well, I found two hundred dollars today.

MOE
What a story!

LENNY
Where'd you find it? The church offering plate?

HOMER
No, outside the church on the sidewalk. How'd you hear about that potluck offertory? You weren't even in church this morning.

BARNEY
We all heard about it. We subscribe to Helen Lovejoy's Twitter Feed.

Barney pops open his cellphone, and it features a small avatar of Helen Lovejoy's face, with the words next to it, "HOMER TOOK $$$ OUT OF GOD MONEY PLATE :("

HOMER
I was making change! Gawd, why didn't she include that part in the message?

LENNY
You can't include that much in a Twitter posting.

MOE
Geez.

All the barflies rolls their eyes condescendingly.

CARL
Besides, you can't make change in the offering plate. Everyone knows that. It's like saying, "I have this money, but I'm too cheap to donate the full amount." It's tacky.

HOMER
I could've just not put any money in at all, you know.

CARL
Maybe that would've been better.

HOMER
I don't think the church would agree.

MOE
It beats you putting your hands all over their money... How would you like it if I got out your wallet and started feeling up your money?

HOMER
You're my bartender. You handle my money all the time.

MOE
Yeah, that's my favorite part. Handling the money.

BARNEY (awkwardly)
Um, what are you guys talking about?

LENNY
Homer is a chronic change-maker and Moe is a filthy money pervert.

BARNEY
Oh.

HOMER
Anyway, I've still got $100 left over from the envelope, as well as two front-row tickets to see "Rent"!

CARL (dismissively)
"Rent"? I'd rather see "Fiddler on the Roof".

HOMER
Yeah, me too. But I'm into trendy New York culture as well.

Suddenly, all the electricity goes out in the tavern. A match is lit, and Moe begins setting up several scented candles on the bar counter.

LENNY
And to think we laughed when you bought all those scented candles.

BARNEY
Hmmmmm, Musky Lumberjack. My favorite scent.

MOE (leadingly)
I'm a little behind on some of my bills. Maybe... If someone loaned me a hundred dollars, I could pay them... Wink, wink, gesture, gesture. (he actually says this)

BARNEY (as if he thought of something no one considered)
Hey, Homer's got a hundred dollars still.

HOMER
Lenny's emperor of Paraguay. Why don't you bother him?

Lenny is suddenly nowhere to be seen.

MOE
Look, it's either that or I recall your bar tab.

Moe grabs an old-fashioned scroll of paper and it unfurls all the way across the room.

HOMER (getting up)
Fine, whatever. I obviously wasn't meant to keep this money anyway.

Homer hands over the remaining $100 to Moe and departs. After he departs, Moe claps his hands twice, and the electricity returns again.

BARNEY
You installed The Clapper?

MOE (sneaky)
Yep, works every time. It just earned me one hundred bucks.

CARL
But you didn't clap earlier when the lights went out.

MOE
What?

The electricity suddenly goes out again.

[Jims]

Writer's note: Had a little trouble making this scene work. That, and finishing the podcast was eating up my time. It's tough keeping such a talky plot going forward without repeating everything too much.

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INT, Simpsons household, kitchen.

Homer and Marge are sitting at the kitchen table. Homer is gesticulating wildly with his hands and Marge is just looking somewhat disappointed and bewildered, as usual, which shall be known as "disawildered."

HOMER (finishing his story)
...So now, the Lovejoys think I was stealing from the offering plate.

MARGE
Where'd you get that $200 anyway? You can't even get hundred-dollar bills in Springfield anymore.

HOMER
Oh, that. The sidewalk. Found it after parking the car.

MARGE
Why didn't you turn it in to the church?

HOMER
Finders keepers?

MARGE
Instead, you started a fight with the Lovejoys over money that doesn't even belong to you. We have to figure out a way to fix this.

HOMER
We could have them killed. I know a guy.

MARGE
You don't know him. You saw him on TV.

HOMER (plotting with his fingers)
So you're saying we need to get the Lovejoys in the TV...

MARGE (ignoring him)
I know! We'll just invite them out for dinner. Then, we can turn in the $200 and show them what good model citizens we are. You'll have to get $100 from the bank to cover what you spent already, but we can handle that.

HOMER
Uh, make that two hundred dollars.

MARGE
You didn't fall for Moe's Clapper trick again, did you? Last time, he convinced you he was the Electric Jesus.

HOMER
If you saw Electric Jesus, wouldn't you donate to his church offering?

MARGE
Would you take money back out, like you did with the Lovejoys?

HOMER
That's just mean, Marge.

MARGE
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the Lovejoys of accusing my family of stealing from the church. Remember Bart's girlfriend from the sixth season?

HOMER
Sixth season?

MARGE
Remember, The Sixth Season? That was the boarding school Jessica Lovejoy came from.

HOMER (grumbling)
How could I forget...

MARGE
Anyway, I'll call the Lovejoys and invite them to lunch. You go get $200 from the bank.

HOMER
Let's go!

Homer claps his hands twice like a pumped-up football player, and the kitchen lights immediately go out.

HOMER (in the dark)
Wow, I'm the Electric Jesus too! I gotta tell Moe!

MARGE (in the dark, but not figuratively)
We installed the Clapper two months ago, Homer.

HOMER
(annoyed grunt)

[Jims]

Writer's note: A long scene, but possibly the most important scene in the story. It's a very classic "Curb Your Enthusiasm" setup, with two couples going to dinner together.

INT, The Singing Sirloin.

Homer and Marge are sitting at a lavish round dinner table with Reverend Lovejoy and his wife. Dinner has been served already, and each table member is enjoying their meal.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
This steak is absolutely fantastic. "Well done" has never been so well done.

MARGE (playing along)
I agree. "Rare" steak done this deliciously is pretty rare.

HOMER (abruptly)
Mine should've been called Medium Crappy.

Reverend Lovejoy and Helen stare at Homer awkwardly.

MARGE (tactfully)
It's been so nice to be able to dine with you both this evening. We simply should do this more often.

HELEN
This dinner has been a treat. I feel a little bad about judging Homer so harshly. I should have realized he didn't understand what he was doing was wrong.

HOMER
Well, actually, I don't...

MARGE (cutting him off)
And Homer's definitely re-thought his position and realizes he was wrong in that situation.

Marge gives Homer a hard look, and the Lovejoys look at him expectingly.

HOMER (grudgingly)
I was wrong.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Thank you, Homer.

MARGE
Homer's also got something else to show you.

Homer pulls the white envelope out of his pocket and hands it to Helen Lovejoy.

HELEN (opening the envelope)
Oh my! You got us tickets to see "Rent"! And two hundred dollars!

HOMER
Well, actually...

The table shakes suddenly.

HOMER
Why are you kicking me, Marge? Anyway, we actually found that outside of the church and we wanted to turn it in. I felt like it was the right thing to do.

HELEN (disappointedly)
Oh. Well, I'll be sure to add it to the Lost & Found.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You know, Homer, now that this unpleasantness is behind us... We need someone to read the scripture this week, as our scheduled person unexpectedly canceled.

HELEN (gossipy)
I heard Lenny became a drug lord in South America.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Helen... Please. What do you think, Homer? It just requires reading two or three scripture verses.

HOMER
Well, I'd like to, but...

MARGE
Homer is happy to accept your offer.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Excellent.

MARGE
By the way, how is the new stain glass window coming along? Did you make enough money at the potluck to complete it.

HELEN
It's fantastic. We had just enough money. It will be finished for Sunday. I'm so excited!

The waiter walks by their table and drops the bill at the table. Reverend Lovejoy picks it up and examines it.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That's odd. Our waiter didn't split the bill in half like we instructed. It just totals to $60.12.

MARGE
That's okay. How much did our half end up being?

REVEREND LOVEJOY (handing over the bill)
About $32.00.

HOMER
I've got that covered. You got a couple one-dollar bills, Marge?

Marge hands Homer a couple bucks and Homer combines it with his cash. He passes the bill back to the Lovejoys. Reverend Lovejoy opens his wallet and inspects it.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Hmmmmmm.

Reverend Lovejoy drops three $20s on the pile and scoops up the $32 already sitting there.

HOMER (observing)
What are you doing?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Paying the bill. All I had was twenties, so I made some change.

HOMER
I didn't see a deposit. I just saw you take our money out.

HELEN (pointing)
There's clearly sixty dollars on the tray, Homer.

HOMER (not bothering to look)
That may be, but I find that highly inappropriate.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's not even your money! It's going to The Singing Sirloin!

HOMER (mockingly)
You see, Tim... When you put money in the bill, it becomes The Singing Sirloin's money. Now, do you want to take money from The Singing Sirloin?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Are you still upset about the potluck? That was a completely different situation!

HOMER
It's the exact same thing and you know it!

MARGE
It is kinda similar...

HOMER (cutting her off)
Look, I just want you to admit that you were wrong just now.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I'm not saying that, because I did nothing wrong.

HELEN (hailing the waiter)
Look, here's how we'll find out. Waiter, they put their money on the tray, but we didn't have exact change... So we just paid the whole bill and took their portion back out. Do you mind?

WAITER
Meh, I don't care. As long as the bill is paid.

HELEN (handing over the bill)
Exactly. Thank you.

HOMER (dejectedly)
Well, maybe I should ask God what he thinks about the potluck.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I hope you do.

Awkward pause.

MARGE
Well, thanks again for coming to dinner with us tonight.

HELEN
I want to go home, Tim.

All four of them get up from their seats and depart, neither couple talking to each other.

[Fox Executive]

Very good script, much love for it here. Said it before, but here goes again: As a Curb fan, this is awesome

[Jims]

Writer's Note: This scene wasn't in the original plot outline, but I needed to lengthen the plot a little because it's going too quickly. I don't know how people may feel about this scene, because it's extremely surreal and out there. I wanted to try something different with this scene.

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INT, Homer and Marge's bedroom.

Homer and Marge are both lying in bed with the sheets over them. Both of them are staring at the ceiling.

HOMER
Marge, what did you think Reverend Lovejoy meant when he said I should talk to God about the potluck?

MARGE
I think he's encouraging you to pray. He's our minister, after all.

HOMER
I dunno... The way he said it. It was almost as if he were daring me.

MARGE
Don't be ridiculous, Homey.

HOMER
Do you think he already talked to God about it? And God took his side?

MARGE
I think you're worrying too much. Just get some sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

HOMER (sleepily)
You're probably right...

Homer falls asleep and the camera dissolves away to reveal Homer's dreamworld.

INT, Moe's Tavern, dream world.

The interior of Moe's Tavern is entirely grayscale. It is completely desolate, save for an unknown figure seen behind the counter. The entrance door swings open and Homer, the only figure in full color, enters the room.

HOMER (sitting on a stool)
Moe, pour me a beer. It's been a long day.

The camera pans around to reveal LISA SIMPSON standing behind the counter.

LISA (grabbing a stein)
One Duff Beer, coming right up!

HOMER
Honey, what are you doing here? You don't have a liquor license.

LISA
I'm here to answer your moral and spiritual inquiries. Reverend Lovejoy told you to see me.

HOMER
Lovejoy told me to talk to God. You're just my daughter.

LISA
Not according to your subconscious. It seems that you regard me as a spiritual beacon.

HOMER
But you're a Buddhist!

LISA
Hey, it's your subconscious. I can't explain it.

HOMER
Well, this is awkward.

LISA
Do you want me to switch to someone else? I can do that, you know.

HOMER
Okay.

From now on, as the camera goes back and forth, Homer's "God figure" keep changing to different personalities in Springfield.

SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS
I heard about that situation at the church potluck. I'd expect Skinner to do something like that, but not you.

HOMER
How did you know about the potluck?

DUFFMAN
I'm everywhere, Homer! Oh yeah!

HOMER
What do you think?

NELSON MUNTZ
It's like this, dingus. When people put money in the offering, they expect it to go to the church. What you did was replace their money with your money.

HOMER
But I put in more money.

COOKIE KWAN
It doesn't matter! It's the church's money, not yours! You need change, you ask church first!

HOMER
The church wouldn't care anyway! That's a stupid argument.

RALPH WIGGUM
Mean words make my eyes leak.

HOMER
I don't care! You're just taking Lovejoy's side because he works for you. You're like two peas in a pod!

ANOTHER HOMER SIMPSON
Reverend Lovejoy and I aren't the same person, you know.

HOMER
You may as well be.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (dramatically)
Fine. Homer Simpson, you have a made a terrible mistake, and you will reap the terrible consequences! I accepted your apology and you turned around and called me a hypocrite! This upcoming Sunday, all of your prior transgressions shall strike you down before your fellow church members!

HOMER (trembling)
Okay, Lisa, you can come back now... Daddy wants to see you again.

Reverend Lovejoy opens his mouth wide and hundreds of tattered white envelopes come fluttering out, showering them upon Homer. The tavern quickly begins filling with white envelopes. Homer quickly tries to