"Curb Your Simpthusiasm" - A fanscript

[Jims]

A couple writer's notes:

I've never written a fanscript, aside from the "Siblings of Questionable Morals" contributions. I'm going to try to write/post a scene (or mini-scene) each night, kinda like I'm doing a NaNoWriMo. Hopefully, at that rate, it'll be done in a week or two. Remember, it's my first attempt, so keep your 1/5 votes to a minimum.

(The plot is all worked out beforehand. With a Curb/Seinfeld-style plot, it takes a lot of planning to get all the plot points to come together properly. I have to warn you (because it's Curb) that almost the whole script is going to be arguments between different people.)

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INT, Inside Krusty's luxury clown car.

SIDESHOW MEL is in the driver's seat, sporting a dapper chauffeur's hat. KRUSTY THE CLOWN, looking bored, is sitting in the passenger seat beside him. He is gingerly holding a tattered white envelope in his hand.

SIDESHOW MEL
You know, Krusty, on-screen chemistry is important and all, and I'm glad we're doing stuff together, but I didn't plan on driving you around town all day.

KRUSTY
It's not "all day." We're just going to the Cardmark Store, to get my father a birthday card.

SIDESHOW MEL
What did you get him?

KRUSTY (opening the envelope)
A night on the town! Two tickets to see "Rent" and $200 for dinner.

SIDESHOW MEL
Your father's a rabbi, and you got him "Rent" tickets? What about "Fiddler on the Roof"?

KRUSTY (suddenly flying into a rage)
"Fiddler on the Roof"? Because a Jewish person going to a theatre must be seeing "Fiddler on the Roof." I'm so sick of the show. I live "Fiddler on the Roof," Mel. I live it.

SIDESHOW MEL
Sorry.

KRUSTY (sarcastically)
You want to go to the latke store? Maybe I should buy a new yamulke today?

SIDESHOW MEL
Do you talk to your regular chauffeur this way too?

KRUSTY
Only on Sundays.

Sideshow Mel sighs and rolls his eyes. Krusty's sudden outburst has made the vehicle rather stuffy, so Sideshow Mel presses a button and rolls down the windows. A burst of wind gushes through the car, sweeping the white envelope out of Krusty's hand. It lands on the sidewalk near The First Church of Springfield.

Cut to HOMER SIMPSON, dressed in his fancy blue suit. He is walking from his car toward the front door of the church.

HOMER (talking to himself)
Geez, when are they going to get valet service here?

Homer comes across a white envelope lying on the ground appealingly. He picks it up and discovers the $200 and theater tickets inside.

HOMER
And on the eighth day, God invented two hundred dollars. And it was good.

Homer, gleeful from his good luck, happily strolls into the church. Moments later, Krusty's clown car parks nearby. Krusty and Sideshow Mel emerge from the car to search for the missing envelope.

KRUSTY
You know, my chauffeur also wouldn't lose my stuff either.

SIDESHOW MEL
You hired me for being shot out of a cannon, not driving you around.

KRUSTY
It's my fault, anyway. I should've just brought Mr. Teeny instead.

SIDESHOW MEL
Well, Mr. Teeny isn't here, and neither is the envelope. Maybe we should inquire inside the church? Perhaps a Good Samiritan found it.

KRUSTY (looking at the church)
Mmmmmm, I don't know...

SIDESHOW MEL
Why not?

KRUSTY
I'm Jewish. I can't walk into a church on a Sunday. Everyone would look at me shocked, that a Jew would dare show his face at church on a Sunday.

SIDESHOW MEL
So your being Jewish suddenly matters again?

KRUSTY
Going in there would be weird.

SIDESHOW MEL
You should give them a chance. They're even having a potluck meal today.

Sideshow Mel points to the church sign, which reads, "POTLUCK TODAY - PLEASE DON'T BRING MACARONI SALAD".

KRUSTY
Meh. Let's just get another pair of tickets.

Krusty and Sideshow Mel exit.

[Importer-Exporter]

It's very good, can't wait to see more. great first script!

[sung]

definitely better than my first script

it's actually pretty good btw. the conversations are going smooth from what i can tell ... i'd like to see more to evaluate further tho

[Jims]

INT, Church fellowship hall

A large buffet of food is setup on a row of tables. It consists of several Crock-Pots and countless pots and pans filled with mysterious foods of varying colors. And there is, of course, a myriad of macaroni salads and brownie trays.

A large line of church members is slowly moving through the buffet. At the beginning of the buffet, there is a wicker basket sitting on a table, with REVEREND LOVEJOY standing next to it. MARGE, BART, LISA, and Homer are approaching him.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Remember, everyone, the proceeds of today's special offering for the buffet will go toward the completion of the new stain glass window in the sanctuary.

HOMER (conversing with Marge)
A second offering? This church really nickels and dimes you.

MARGE
Well, maybe you shouldn't have dumped just a handful of change in the offering plate earlier.

HOMER
Hey, I'm not going to write a check for thirty-seven cents.

MARGE
Just pay for the meal. It's going to be cheaper than Krusty Burger anyway.

Marge, Lisa, and Bart each proceed to the buffet, grabbing brown plastic serving trays. Homer approaches the offering basket, with Reverend Lovejoy at hand.

HELEN LOVEJOY (approaching, excitedly)
Tim, we need more plastic forks and knives!

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I told you we should've gone with knorks. I think there's an extra box in the kitchen.

As the Reverend departs for the important task, Homer goes through his pockets for cash. Not finding any in his wallet, he pulls out the envelope he found on the sidewalk. He looks at the two individual hundred-dollar bills and hesitates.

HOMER
I'm not paying a hundred dollars for gourmet macaroni salad. I could go to The Singing Sirloin for that kind of money.

Homer looks at the basket and sees several twenty-dollar bills at the top of the pile. After a moment of thought, Homer drops the hundred-dollar bill and withraws four twenties from the pile, essentially making change.

As Homer withdraws the cash, Reverend Lovejoy suddenly re-appears, holding a box of plasticware in his hand.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (dropping the box)
What are you doing?

HOMER
What do you mean?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You just took money from the love offering.

HOMER
I was making change. All I had was a hundred dollar bill.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You threw a handful of change into the offering during service today. I could hear the clamor from the pulpit.

HOMER (pointing)
You can see the hundred dollars in the basket.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That may be, but you can't make change in the offering.

HOMER
Why?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
When you put money in, it becomes the Lord's money. Do you want to take money from the Lord?

HOMER (grumbling)
Maybe the Lord should invest in a change machine.

Hearing the ruckus, a crowd begins to form around the two of them.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Drop the money.

Homer and Reverend Lovejoy eyes meet, both staring at each other as in a battle of wills. Lovejoy's glare is piecing, bringing a sense of both disappointment and intensified piousness. Homer's hand is still extended above the basket, still clutching the twenties in his hand.

HOMER (dropping the money)
Fine.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (suddenly kind)
The church thanks you for your donation.

Homer storms away in the direction of the buffet.

[Importer-Exporter]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

[Jims]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

Thanks!

The idea came from a church potluck I went to a couple weeks ago. They had a voluntary donation basket there. Since they were providing a meal, I figured $5 or $10 bucks would be fair. All I had was twenties in my wallet. In the end, I just put in the $20 and moved on. I could just envision a really awkward moment (like the one in the script) if I tried to make change.

For some reason, making change in the offering does seem kinda tacky. I'm not sure why.

[Fox Executive]

It just keeps getting better! You nailed the "Curb" style.

exactly. If you check my avatar, you'll know that Curb is one of my favourite show, so it's awesome to see you write in its style.

[Jims]

INT, Moe's Tavern.

Homer is sitting at the bar, still wearing his church clothes. Other barflies, as usual, are slouched slovenly on several nearby barstools. These include the usual crew: LENNY, CARL, BARNEY, as well as MOE standing behind the counter serving drinks.

LENNY (finishing a story)
...And that's how I became emperor of Paraguay.

All the barflies cheer appreciatively.

MOE
What a story!

LENNY
It was full of plot twists and humorous situations. I wish everyone could've seen it.

CARL
Yeah, our lives are pretty boring.

Everyone sighs.

HOMER (proudly)
Well, I found two hundred dollars today.

MOE
What a story!

LENNY
Where'd you find it? The church offering plate?

HOMER
No, outside the church on the sidewalk. How'd you hear about that potluck offertory? You weren't even in church this morning.

BARNEY
We all heard about it. We subscribe to Helen Lovejoy's Twitter Feed.

Barney pops open his cellphone, and it features a small avatar of Helen Lovejoy's face, with the words next to it, "HOMER TOOK $$$ OUT OF GOD MONEY PLATE :("

HOMER
I was making change! Gawd, why didn't she include that part in the message?

LENNY
You can't include that much in a Twitter posting.

MOE
Geez.

All the barflies rolls their eyes condescendingly.

CARL
Besides, you can't make change in the offering plate. Everyone knows that. It's like saying, "I have this money, but I'm too cheap to donate the full amount." It's tacky.

HOMER
I could've just not put any money in at all, you know.

CARL
Maybe that would've been better.

HOMER
I don't think the church would agree.

MOE
It beats you putting your hands all over their money... How would you like it if I got out your wallet and started feeling up your money?

HOMER
You're my bartender. You handle my money all the time.

MOE
Yeah, that's my favorite part. Handling the money.

BARNEY (awkwardly)
Um, what are you guys talking about?

LENNY
Homer is a chronic change-maker and Moe is a filthy money pervert.

BARNEY
Oh.

HOMER
Anyway, I've still got $100 left over from the envelope, as well as two front-row tickets to see "Rent"!

CARL (dismissively)
"Rent"? I'd rather see "Fiddler on the Roof".

HOMER
Yeah, me too. But I'm into trendy New York culture as well.

Suddenly, all the electricity goes out in the tavern. A match is lit, and Moe begins setting up several scented candles on the bar counter.

LENNY
And to think we laughed when you bought all those scented candles.

BARNEY
Hmmmmm, Musky Lumberjack. My favorite scent.

MOE (leadingly)
I'm a little behind on some of my bills. Maybe... If someone loaned me a hundred dollars, I could pay them... Wink, wink, gesture, gesture. (he actually says this)

BARNEY (as if he thought of something no one considered)
Hey, Homer's got a hundred dollars still.

HOMER
Lenny's emperor of Paraguay. Why don't you bother him?

Lenny is suddenly nowhere to be seen.

MOE
Look, it's either that or I recall your bar tab.

Moe grabs an old-fashioned scroll of paper and it unfurls all the way across the room.

HOMER (getting up)
Fine, whatever. I obviously wasn't meant to keep this money anyway.

Homer hands over the remaining $100 to Moe and departs. After he departs, Moe claps his hands twice, and the electricity returns again.

BARNEY
You installed The Clapper?

MOE (sneaky)
Yep, works every time. It just earned me one hundred bucks.

CARL
But you didn't clap earlier when the lights went out.

MOE
What?

The electricity suddenly goes out again.

[Jims]

Writer's note: Had a little trouble making this scene work. That, and finishing the podcast was eating up my time. It's tough keeping such a talky plot going forward without repeating everything too much.

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INT, Simpsons household, kitchen.

Homer and Marge are sitting at the kitchen table. Homer is gesticulating wildly with his hands and Marge is just looking somewhat disappointed and bewildered, as usual, which shall be known as "disawildered."

HOMER (finishing his story)
...So now, the Lovejoys think I was stealing from the offering plate.

MARGE
Where'd you get that $200 anyway? You can't even get hundred-dollar bills in Springfield anymore.

HOMER
Oh, that. The sidewalk. Found it after parking the car.

MARGE
Why didn't you turn it in to the church?

HOMER
Finders keepers?

MARGE
Instead, you started a fight with the Lovejoys over money that doesn't even belong to you. We have to figure out a way to fix this.

HOMER
We could have them killed. I know a guy.

MARGE
You don't know him. You saw him on TV.

HOMER (plotting with his fingers)
So you're saying we need to get the Lovejoys in the TV...

MARGE (ignoring him)
I know! We'll just invite them out for dinner. Then, we can turn in the $200 and show them what good model citizens we are. You'll have to get $100 from the bank to cover what you spent already, but we can handle that.

HOMER
Uh, make that two hundred dollars.

MARGE
You didn't fall for Moe's Clapper trick again, did you? Last time, he convinced you he was the Electric Jesus.

HOMER
If you saw Electric Jesus, wouldn't you donate to his church offering?

MARGE
Would you take money back out, like you did with the Lovejoys?

HOMER
That's just mean, Marge.

MARGE
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the Lovejoys of accusing my family of stealing from the church. Remember Bart's girlfriend from the sixth season?

HOMER
Sixth season?

MARGE
Remember, The Sixth Season? That was the boarding school Jessica Lovejoy came from.

HOMER (grumbling)
How could I forget...

MARGE
Anyway, I'll call the Lovejoys and invite them to lunch. You go get $200 from the bank.

HOMER
Let's go!

Homer claps his hands twice like a pumped-up football player, and the kitchen lights immediately go out.

HOMER (in the dark)
Wow, I'm the Electric Jesus too! I gotta tell Moe!

MARGE (in the dark, but not figuratively)
We installed the Clapper two months ago, Homer.

HOMER
(annoyed grunt)

[Jims]

Writer's note: A long scene, but possibly the most important scene in the story. It's a very classic "Curb Your Enthusiasm" setup, with two couples going to dinner together.

INT, The Singing Sirloin.

Homer and Marge are sitting at a lavish round dinner table with Reverend Lovejoy and his wife. Dinner has been served already, and each table member is enjoying their meal.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
This steak is absolutely fantastic. "Well done" has never been so well done.

MARGE (playing along)
I agree. "Rare" steak done this deliciously is pretty rare.

HOMER (abruptly)
Mine should've been called Medium Crappy.

Reverend Lovejoy and Helen stare at Homer awkwardly.

MARGE (tactfully)
It's been so nice to be able to dine with you both this evening. We simply should do this more often.

HELEN
This dinner has been a treat. I feel a little bad about judging Homer so harshly. I should have realized he didn't understand what he was doing was wrong.

HOMER
Well, actually, I don't...

MARGE (cutting him off)
And Homer's definitely re-thought his position and realizes he was wrong in that situation.

Marge gives Homer a hard look, and the Lovejoys look at him expectingly.

HOMER (grudgingly)
I was wrong.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Thank you, Homer.

MARGE
Homer's also got something else to show you.

Homer pulls the white envelope out of his pocket and hands it to Helen Lovejoy.

HELEN (opening the envelope)
Oh my! You got us tickets to see "Rent"! And two hundred dollars!

HOMER
Well, actually...

The table shakes suddenly.

HOMER
Why are you kicking me, Marge? Anyway, we actually found that outside of the church and we wanted to turn it in. I felt like it was the right thing to do.

HELEN (disappointedly)
Oh. Well, I'll be sure to add it to the Lost & Found.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You know, Homer, now that this unpleasantness is behind us... We need someone to read the scripture this week, as our scheduled person unexpectedly canceled.

HELEN (gossipy)
I heard Lenny became a drug lord in South America.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Helen... Please. What do you think, Homer? It just requires reading two or three scripture verses.

HOMER
Well, I'd like to, but...

MARGE
Homer is happy to accept your offer.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Excellent.

MARGE
By the way, how is the new stain glass window coming along? Did you make enough money at the potluck to complete it.

HELEN
It's fantastic. We had just enough money. It will be finished for Sunday. I'm so excited!

The waiter walks by their table and drops the bill at the table. Reverend Lovejoy picks it up and examines it.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That's odd. Our waiter didn't split the bill in half like we instructed. It just totals to $60.12.

MARGE
That's okay. How much did our half end up being?

REVEREND LOVEJOY (handing over the bill)
About $32.00.

HOMER
I've got that covered. You got a couple one-dollar bills, Marge?

Marge hands Homer a couple bucks and Homer combines it with his cash. He passes the bill back to the Lovejoys. Reverend Lovejoy opens his wallet and inspects it.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Hmmmmmm.

Reverend Lovejoy drops three $20s on the pile and scoops up the $32 already sitting there.

HOMER (observing)
What are you doing?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Paying the bill. All I had was twenties, so I made some change.

HOMER
I didn't see a deposit. I just saw you take our money out.

HELEN (pointing)
There's clearly sixty dollars on the tray, Homer.

HOMER (not bothering to look)
That may be, but I find that highly inappropriate.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's not even your money! It's going to The Singing Sirloin!

HOMER (mockingly)
You see, Tim... When you put money in the bill, it becomes The Singing Sirloin's money. Now, do you want to take money from The Singing Sirloin?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Are you still upset about the potluck? That was a completely different situation!

HOMER
It's the exact same thing and you know it!

MARGE
It is kinda similar...

HOMER (cutting her off)
Look, I just want you to admit that you were wrong just now.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I'm not saying that, because I did nothing wrong.

HELEN (hailing the waiter)
Look, here's how we'll find out. Waiter, they put their money on the tray, but we didn't have exact change... So we just paid the whole bill and took their portion back out. Do you mind?

WAITER
Meh, I don't care. As long as the bill is paid.

HELEN (handing over the bill)
Exactly. Thank you.

HOMER (dejectedly)
Well, maybe I should ask God what he thinks about the potluck.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I hope you do.

Awkward pause.

MARGE
Well, thanks again for coming to dinner with us tonight.

HELEN
I want to go home, Tim.

All four of them get up from their seats and depart, neither couple talking to each other.

[Fox Executive]

Very good script, much love for it here. Said it before, but here goes again: As a Curb fan, this is awesome

[Jims]

Writer's Note: This scene wasn't in the original plot outline, but I needed to lengthen the plot a little because it's going too quickly. I don't know how people may feel about this scene, because it's extremely surreal and out there. I wanted to try something different with this scene.

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INT, Homer and Marge's bedroom.

Homer and Marge are both lying in bed with the sheets over them. Both of them are staring at the ceiling.

HOMER
Marge, what did you think Reverend Lovejoy meant when he said I should talk to God about the potluck?

MARGE
I think he's encouraging you to pray. He's our minister, after all.

HOMER
I dunno... The way he said it. It was almost as if he were daring me.

MARGE
Don't be ridiculous, Homey.

HOMER
Do you think he already talked to God about it? And God took his side?

MARGE
I think you're worrying too much. Just get some sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

HOMER (sleepily)
You're probably right...

Homer falls asleep and the camera dissolves away to reveal Homer's dreamworld.

INT, Moe's Tavern, dream world.

The interior of Moe's Tavern is entirely grayscale. It is completely desolate, save for an unknown figure seen behind the counter. The entrance door swings open and Homer, the only figure in full color, enters the room.

HOMER (sitting on a stool)
Moe, pour me a beer. It's been a long day.

The camera pans around to reveal LISA SIMPSON standing behind the counter.

LISA (grabbing a stein)
One Duff Beer, coming right up!

HOMER
Honey, what are you doing here? You don't have a liquor license.

LISA
I'm here to answer your moral and spiritual inquiries. Reverend Lovejoy told you to see me.

HOMER
Lovejoy told me to talk to God. You're just my daughter.

LISA
Not according to your subconscious. It seems that you regard me as a spiritual beacon.

HOMER
But you're a Buddhist!

LISA
Hey, it's your subconscious. I can't explain it.

HOMER
Well, this is awkward.

LISA
Do you want me to switch to someone else? I can do that, you know.

HOMER
Okay.

From now on, as the camera goes back and forth, Homer's "God figure" keep changing to different personalities in Springfield.

SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS
I heard about that situation at the church potluck. I'd expect Skinner to do something like that, but not you.

HOMER
How did you know about the potluck?

DUFFMAN
I'm everywhere, Homer! Oh yeah!

HOMER
What do you think?

NELSON MUNTZ
It's like this, dingus. When people put money in the offering, they expect it to go to the church. What you did was replace their money with your money.

HOMER
But I put in more money.

COOKIE KWAN
It doesn't matter! It's the church's money, not yours! You need change, you ask church first!

HOMER
The church wouldn't care anyway! That's a stupid argument.

RALPH WIGGUM
Mean words make my eyes leak.

HOMER
I don't care! You're just taking Lovejoy's side because he works for you. You're like two peas in a pod!

ANOTHER HOMER SIMPSON
Reverend Lovejoy and I aren't the same person, you know.

HOMER
You may as well be.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (dramatically)
Fine. Homer Simpson, you have a made a terrible mistake, and you will reap the terrible consequences! I accepted your apology and you turned around and called me a hypocrite! This upcoming Sunday, all of your prior transgressions shall strike you down before your fellow church members!

HOMER (trembling)
Okay, Lisa, you can come back now... Daddy wants to see you again.

Reverend Lovejoy opens his mouth wide and hundreds of tattered white envelopes come fluttering out, showering them upon Homer. The tavern quickly begins filling with white envelopes. Homer quickly tries to make it to the door, but the sea of envelopes begin to envelope him (no pun intended, I swear). It's too late. The top of Homer's head is slowly disappearing from view as he sinks lower and lower into the sea...

Fade to black.

[Gatorgod]

Another good simpson fan script to help me get over all these untimely celebrity passing's

[Jims]

Writer's Note - Another added scene not in the original plot. I really enjoyed writing this scene, for some reason. Maybe I like silly non-sequitur dialogue. It's weird how one's mood can affect one's writing. Bonus points for whoever gets the obscure movie quote (slightly changed).

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INT, The Simpsons kitchen, the following morning.

Homer, Bart, and Lisa are sitting around the breakfast table. Maggie is sitting in a high seat next to Homer. Marge is wandering around the kitchen busily. The kids both have bowls of cereal before them, while Homer simply has a donut on a plate. The children are carrying on as usual, both studying the backsides of their respective cereal boxes. Homer's beard is shaggy and he is struggling to keep his eyes open.

BART
Had a couple too many Duff Beers last night, Homer?

HOMER (extremely tired)
Not this time... Papa's trip to Dream Land was an angry waffle last night...

LISA
Had a bad dream, dad?

HOMER (sleepily)
Yeah... And you were threre (pointing to Lisa)... And you were there... (pointing to Lisa again)... And you were there (pointing to Lisa a third time)...

LISA
Why do you keep pointing at me?

HOMER (still exhaustedly)
You were the only one who was there...

BART
No wonder it was a nightmare.

MARGE
Did you ever ask God what he thought about the potluck situation?

HOMER (ridiculously tired)
I did... He sided with the man... And then he called me Mr. Meanie Genie... And then I drowned in envelopes...

BART
Makes sense to me.

MARGE
Well, at least you're only out $100. You can still get the other $100 back from Moe.

HOMER (yawning)
You're so pretty, Midge...

BART
Hey, you should call him right now, and demand your money back.

LISA
But his brain isn't even fully functional right now.

HOMER (another adverb meaning "sleepy")
No, the spiky pachyderm is right... I'm giving Moe a piece of my forehead... Hand me the dialy-ringy.

Homer dials and puts the phone to his ear, upside-down. Lisa helpfully turns the phone the correct way up. The camera cuts to Moe, already at his tavern, who picks up the phone. The camera alternates between the two speakers, much like any crappy sitcom would.

MOE
This is Moe.

HOMER
Moe? That's your name...

MOE
Homer? Is that you?

HOMER
Moe? That's your name...

MOE
What do you want?

HOMER
Here's the jelly jam, Smelly... I want my hundred baked potatoes back...

MOE
Baked potatoes? You mean the hundred dollars, right?

HOMER
That's the monkey's uncle, Eyebrows Man...

MOE
I already spent it, Homer. I don't have the cash anymore.

HOMER
Look here... If you don't gimme my potatoes... I'm telling Porky about your illegitmate pancake factory...

MOE (startled)
Whaaaaa?

The camera zooms out from Moe, to reveal hundreds of frying pans and grills setup around Moe's Tavern. Each frying pan contains several sketchy-looking pancakes with unsavory-looking chefs attending each griddle.

MOE
Fine, you'll get your money this Sunday. Is that what you want?

HOMER
What I want? I want you to do your funky job...

MOE
What are you talking about? Are you okay?

HOMER
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Homer has fallen asleep. Marge gently takes the phone from him and puts it back on the wall.

LISA (to Bart)
You think he got the money?

BART
Either that or a hundred baked potatoes.

MARGE (walking to the fridge)
I'll put extra butter on the grocery list. Just in case.

[Capt Hammer]

Haha, Very good script!

[Jims]

EXT, First Church of Springfield.

Helen Lovejoy is kneeling near the church sign, with a box of plastic letters in her hand. She has finished applying the last letter and the sign now reads, "MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL" with a subtitle that says, "FOUND - $200, INQUIRE WITHIN." Reverend Lovejoy approaches and takes a cursory look at the sign.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Looks great, dear.

HELEN (looking it over, pleased)
Thank you. I think the letter spacing came out really well.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I wonder if anyone will claim the money?

HELEN
Oh, I'm sure more than a few people will come forward.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (scoldingly)
Come now, Helen, you're accusing the town of being dishonest...

Several cars have now pulled into the church parking lot. The drivers have begun exiting their cars while rubbing their hands together greedily.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (sighing)
...I'll be in my office.

He departs.

INT, First Church of Springfield, Reverend Lovejoy's office.

A lengthy line has formed to the Reverend's office, which includes a healthy cross-section of Springfield's denizens. Reverend Lovejoy is sitting behind his desk, holding the tattered white envelope in his hand. The two $100 dollar bills are sitting on the desk before him. Snake enters the room and awkwardly sits in the chair facing the Reverend's desk.

SNAKE
Yo... I understand you found my hundred clams...

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That's right.

SNAKE
Can I have it back now? I totally have a thing later today.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
You forgot about the extra item that we found with the money, right? You remember what that was, right?

SNAKE
Oh, yeah... It was... Um... A pack of smokes. I'd like that back too.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (putting the money in a drawer)
I'm sorry, this isn't your money.

SNAKE (awkwardly)
Hmmmm... I must've... Um, lost $200 somewhere else... Sorry.

Snake quickly departs and Comic Book Guy enters the room. From now on, the camera skips most of the above conversation (which is repeated each time) and skips to the townspeople's guesses.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
We found something else with the $200. Can you tell me what that was?

COMIC BOOK GUY
A mint edition copy of Issue 47 of "Radioactive Man Versus Walter Mondale." A classic.

***

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE
Ach! A "broiled haggis" recipe!

***

PRINCIPAL SKINNER
Mother's knitting needles.

***

AGNES SKINNER
Seymour's crappy needlepoint!

***

OTTO
Two tickets...

Reverend Lovejoy leans forward expectedly.

OTTO
...To paradise!

Otto begins air-guitaring wildly in his chair.

***

EDNA KRABAPPEL (smoking)
My ex-husband and the last four years of my life.

***

MR. BURNS
A double-corrigated Finnish victrola.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Mr. Burns, what are you doing here? You're already a millionaire.

MR. BURNS
I like to carry around a few small bills for everyday use. It saves time at the Caviar Emporium drive-thru.

Reverend Lovejoy gets up from behind his desk and walks into the hallways.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
If you're all going to keep making random guesses, you can make them at the church service on Sunday. We'd love to see you there!

Everyone in the crowd walks away disappointedly.

[Jesse Pinkman]

man, these are great! I can't wait for you to continue! This is really great stuff, Jims!

[sung]

dunno much about curb your enthusiasm, but the script i gotta say is very good so far. keep it up!

[Jims]

Writer's Note - We have begun heading down the stretch to the ultimate conclusion. This scene isn't particularly jokey or anything, but some of the important pieces are sliding into place now. Now that I read it, it's kind of like a mystery, taking all the established pieces of the story and trying to guess how it's going to explode. There are a lot of small clues throughout the earlier scenes that will fit it all together.

If you're pretty sure you know where the story's going, don't spoil it in the thread. We're literally 2 (maybe 3 or 4) scenes away from the conclusion.

-------------------------------------------------------------

EXT, First Church of Springfield.

The entire Simpson family, all dressed in their church gear, are crossing the parking lot and heading toward the church. Bart and Lisa are engaged in some sort of shoving match. Homer, meanwhile, is staring at the ground searchingly.

MARGE
Homer, you're not going to find another $200 on the sidewalk this week.

HOMER
You told me that last week, and look what happened!

MARGE
I didn't tell you that. You're confusing last week with just now.

HOMER
So when's the church potluck?

LISA (pityingly)
No potluck, dad.

The family enters the church, and Helen Lovejoy approaches them.

HELEN LOVEJOY
Hello Marge, Lisa, Bart, and Maggie. Homer, the reverend wants to see you in his office.

BART (as if Homer's in trouble)
Oooooooooooo...

Homer heads down the hallway anxiously, wondering what Reverend Lovejoy could possibly want from him. As he traverses the church hallway, various church member whisper quietly and flee from his path. He reaches Lovejoy's office, knocks once on the door, and goes inside.

HOMER (standing halfway in the doorway)
Uh, you needed me?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I've been waiting for you. Here's the scripture passage I need you to read today during the service.

Reverend Lovejoy pushes an open Bible on his desk toward Homer, who steps forward and picks it up. The moment Homer looks at the words in the book, his expression changes immediately to a scowl. The camera does not reveal what's on the page.

HOMER
What's this?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's the scripture today. Just a few verses from the book of Genesis.

HOMER
This is ridiculous! You expect me to read this passage?

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's not nearly that bad.

HOMER
I'm not reading it. I'm not. You can get Flanders or someone.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Your name is already in the bulletin as Scripture Reader. We made two hundred copies of it, which we've already started handing out to the congregation. If we amend that part, people just won't know what to believe anymore.

HOMER (grudgingly)
Fine, whatever. I don't think picking this particular scripture verse is a coincidence, you know.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
By the way, did you remember to pray this week about that disagreement we had over the potluck offering?

HOMER (braggingly)
Actually, God came to me in a dream to answer my questions.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
And???

HOMER
He, um... Agreed with me. He said he doesn't mind if someone makes change.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (stroking his chin)
He agreed with you?

HOMER
That's right.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (suspiciously)
Very interesting...

HOMER
What? You don't believe me?

Reverend Lovejoy stares at Homer intently, his eyes narrowed to tiny slits, much like a poker player who is determining whether another is bluffing. Homer stares back awkwardly, trying to appear as natural as possible. Eventually, Reverend Lovejoy relents.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's fine. We'll figure this out later. Make sure to come up to the altar for the scripture reading. It's right after the silent prayer.

Homer leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Left alone now, Reverend Lovejoy folds his hands at his desk and closes his eyes.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (in prayer, murmuring to himself)
Dear Lord... I was just wondering... Homer came in here just now, and said...

Suddenly, he hears two loud knocks at his door.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (interrupted, opening his eyes)
Come in.

Moe enters the room and sits down in the chair facing him.

[Jesse Pinkman]

continue Jims! this is my favorite fanscript i have read here!

[Jims]

Moe enters the room and sits down in the chair facing him.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Moe, I told you last week... We're not doing away with the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings here, no matter what you say.

MOE
Oh, this isn't a political visit. I'm here to collect the $200 that I lost near the church last week.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
It's not just $200 that was found, you know.

MOE
You didn't let me finish. I was walking to church last week, helping several lepers along the way... I had just come from the entertainment district, to pick up two tickets to the musical "Rent" for a sick neighbor of mine. I thought it was an opportunity to both cheer a friend up and support the arts.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
That's wonderful, Moe. And you lost the envelope on the way to church?

MOE
Exactly. It was when I kneeled down to get an extra prayer in before church.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (handing over the envelope)
Fantastic. You better get these tickets to your neighbor soon.

MOE (confused)
My neighbor? What?

Short pause. The Reverend gives what one from the 1920s would call "a look."

MOE (remembering)
Oh, yes. My neighbor. Thanks for keeping the tickets safe, reverend.

With his ill-gotten prize in his hand, Moe leaves the room and heads down the hallway toward the sanctuary. As he enters, the camera pans over to the front of the room, featuring a beautiful stain glass window behind the pulpit. Moe scans the crowd, looking for the Simpson family. He spies them sitting in the second row on the left side. Homer has the aisle seat, with Marge sitting to his left.

MOE (abruptly)
Hey, can I sit here?

Without warning, Moe plops himself down between Homer and Marge, barely fitting in the small space between them. Marge, disturbed by her close proximity to Moe, moves over to make room.

MOE (getting a bill from the envelope)
I brought your $100 that you demanded, Homer. It's not in baked potato form, sorry.

HOMER (taking the cash and pocketing it)
Baked potatoes? What?

MOE
Nevermind.

MARGE (leadingly)
Where'd you get that white envelope from, Moe?

MOE
You wouldn't believe it! I found it on the sidewalk on the way to church.

HOMER
Yeah, right. You don't just find money on the ground!

MARGE
Shhhhhh.

Religious organ music begins playing. The crowd immediately quiets and Reverend Lovejoy enters the sanctuary dramatically. He reaches his place behind the pulpit and begins the service.

----------------------------------------------------

Writer's note - One more scene to go. It'll be a fairly long one, but I can't think of a place to cut it in half. All the pieces are officially in place now! What's going to happen during this church service? It's obvious to me, because I know what all the little plot clues are, but it's hard to tell how obvious things look. Either way, the suspense is killing me.

(Well, not really. But it sounded cool to say.)

Expect it either Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I'm doing.

[Capt Hammer]

No Joke, i'm excited. Brilliant Fan-script that keeps people begging for more

And it's your first one! congrats to Jims!

[Jesse Pinkman]

great Jims! this is fantastic!

[Jims]

Writer's Note - No, this isn't the final post because I found a good cut for the final scene. It's a little more fair this way, since I was holding back a little information in an earlier scene. The final entry will be tomorrow night. It's only appropriate to finish this on a Sunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Religious organ music begins playing. The crowd immediately quiets and Reverend Lovejoy enters the sanctuary dramatically. He reaches his place behind the pulpit and begins the service.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
God's blessings to you all. Let us praise this beautiful day in which we can gather together and celebrate God's love. And now we can shine the light of God inside this place, with the installation of our new stain glass window. Thank you to everyone who donated so generously to the potluck, which allowed us to bring such beauty to our church.

Reverend Lovejoy steps aside and raises his hand to the window behind him, which sparkles with religious love.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (stepping behind the pulpit again)
And now, let us sing the opening hymn. It's Number 49 in your hymnals.

The organ begins playing, and camera fades out. That typical "some time passes" musical cue plays to indicate that some time has passed. Which seems like an overly appropriate music cue, but whatever. The point is that some time has passed, because it's not interesting to listen to them sing a hymn. Unless you're talking about the beginning of "Bart Sells His Soul." But it's not, so deal with it.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (still behind the pulpit)
...And now, let us join together in silent prayer.

Everyone in the pews close their eyes, as well as Reverend Lovejoy. The camera, initially focused on Lovejoy, fades away from the scene to reveal Lovejoy walking among the clouds. He arrives at a large posh house that says "GOD'S PLACE - NO LOITERING." Reverend Lovejoy knocks on the door and it is opened by a bearded man, the same image of God that Homer saw in "Homer the Heretic." As usual, you cannot see his face.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Dear Lord, I have a question for you. Did you talk to Homer about the potluck situation?

GOD
Oh, yeah. I talked to him a couple days ago.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
What did you tell him?

GOD
I told him you were right. You're not supposed to make change in the offering.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I knew that's what you would say! Homer tried to tell me you said otherwise.

GOD
He lied to you. It's disappointing to me, but I forgive him.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Thanks for clarifying that for me, Lord.

GOD
Well, there's always the possibility that I am merely a figment of your subconscious self, just telling you what you want to hear.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Now why would you suggest something like that?

GOD
I'm God. I work in mysterious ways.

REVEREND LOVEJOY
Hmmmm. That's true.

GOD
By the way, shouldn't you be getting back to your congregation now? You've been in silent prayer for several minutes now.

The camera fades away and brings us back to earth. Lovejoy is still poised at the podium with his eyes closed, while the whole congregation, having given up on this lengthy prayer, are staring at him expectingly.

REVEREND LOVEJOY (unfolding his hands and opening his eyes)
Amen. And now for today's scripture reading from the book of Genesis, Chapter 10, verses 10 through 28... Read by our very own Homer Simpson.

Homer, Bible in hand, slowly walks up to the pulpit. Reverend Lovejoy steps aside and gives Homer an angry look. Hesitatingly, Homer opens in Bible to his bookmark and begins to read the passage before him.

[Capt Hammer]

Ooo So Excited!

The only bit that seemed weird was the wording of this:

GOD
You've been in silent prayer now for several minutes now.

the two 'now's were a little odd.

Anyway, brilliant story, brilliant writing looking forward to the conclusion!

[Jims]

the two 'now's were a little odd.

Oops. Thanks for the notice. I've noticed in schooling, of all the writing mistakes I make, redundancies are my most frequent. I've corrected it now.

[Jesse Pinkman]

this is fantastic! i eagerly await the conclusion!

[Jims]

Writer's Note - Finished! This took a long time to write! A lot of stage directions in the finale. It makes the reading kinda choppy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Homer, Bible in hand, slowly walks up to the pulpit. Reverend Lovejoy steps aside and gives Homer an angry look. Hesitatingly, Homer opens the Bible to his bookmark and begins to read the passage before him.

HOMER (reading, stumblingly)
These are the generations of... Shem. Shem was a hundred years old, and begat... Arph... Arphacks... Arphaxad... Two years after the flood... And Shem lived after he begat... Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and... Sons and... Sons and daughters.

The congregation is becoming impatient with Homer's stumbling reading of the scripture. Hushed whispers are now audible in the background. Reverend Lovejoy looks on in the background with a smug expression upon his face.

HOMER
And... Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat... Sally... Uh... Salah... And... Arphaxad lived after he begat... Salah four hundred... four hundred and three... years... and begat sons and daughters.

Murmurs of laughter is beginning to emanate from the congregation.

WISE GUY (offscreen, sarcastic)
Great job, only 15 more verses to go!

This remark brings even more snickering, and several church members have begun pointing at Homer and whispering to their neighbors. The laughter in the room has crescendo'd to a fever pitch, with Homer's reading barely audible over the microphone system. Homer is perspiring now, leaning into the pulpit, just trying to get through the passage. As the voices get louder, he stumbles even further.

HOMER
And... Salah lived... thirty months... No, years... And begat Eber. And Salah lived...

Homer continues to dredge through the verses, while Marge has now covered her face in humiliation. And the laughter still hasn't subsided...

INT, Krusty's limo.

Krusty is sitting in the backseat of his limo, looking somewhat sullen and depressed. Driving him today is a generic-looking chauffeur.

KRUSTY
I told you to run all those red lights, you idiot. Now "Rent" is completely sold out and I had to settle on getting my father stupid "Fiddler on the Roof" tickets.

CHAUFFEUR
Why didn't you just go yesterday? You were off all day.

KRUSTY
On the Sabbath? You shmuck.

CHAUFFEUR
Do you talk to your TV co-workers this rudely too?

KRUSTY
Only on Sundays.

The limo is now passing by First Church of Springfield. Krusty looks out the window and sees the giant sign out front that says, "MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL" with the subtitle "FOUND - $200, INQUIRE WITHIN." Krusty considers this proposition and he suddenly flashes back to last Sunday.

SIDESHOW MEL (flashback'd)
You should give them a chance.

(The flashback fades away.)

KRUSTY (grudgingly)
Oh, all right...

CHAUFFEUR
What?

KRUSTY
Pull over into that church parking lot.

The limo pulls into the parking lot...

INT, Church sanctuary.

HOMER (still reading frantically)
And... Terah... lived seventy years... and begat... Abram... Nahor... and Haran. Now these... are the gen... generations of Terah...

The large sanctuary doors suddenly swing open. Krusty the Clown enters the room. Before him, he sees Homer at the pulpit fumbling his way through the Book of Genesis, with the entire congregation laughing at him in contempt. The camera, initially at a distance, zooms in mega-quickly on Krusty's face (a la the food critic at the end of the film "Ratatouille").

And we go to another flashback.

INT, Synagogue classroom (flashback).

A young Herschel Krustofski, aged ten, is standing in the front of a classroom, where ten to twenty other children are seated. Herschel is standing at the podium reading in Hebrew, while Rabbi Krustofski looks on.

HERSCHEL (reading Hebrew, with great difficulty)
Aaaa... Avin... Avinu. Shebash... Shebashama... Shebashamayin.

The children in the classroom begin to laugh at Herschel, who is becoming more and more nervous. Herschel gives his father a pleading look.

RABBI KRUSTOFSKI
You can do this, Herschel. I believe in you.

HERSCHEL (continuing)
Shebash... amayin. Yit... Yit... Yitkadesh...

More and more laughter from the other children. Herschel closes the book in front of him, and covers his face in his hands in shame.

HERSCHEL (sobbing)
I quit! I'm never going to be a good reader! It's too hard!

RABBI KRUSTOFSKI
Don't say that...

Herschel runs from the room abruptly, tears still streaming down his face. Rabbi Krustofski begins scolding the children and the flashback fades away...

INT, Church sanctuary, present-day.

The congregation, too focused on the scripture reading, has not even noticed Krusty's entrance. They are too busy pointing and laughing at Homer, who is continuing through the scripture miserably.

HOMER (doggedly)
Terah begat... Begat Abr... Abam... Nah... Nahor... and Haran... and Haran begat... Lot.

KRUSTY (yelling at the top of his lungs)
Stop mocking me! I wasn't a strong reader back then! It's not funny!

Complete and total silence falls upon the sanctuary. Krusty, still reliving a traumatic event, looks as though he is about to crumble to pieces. Everyone stares at him, not saying a single word. Except...

NELSON (from the crowd, pointing)
Ha-ha!

And that was the final straw. Krusty's self-control has completely disappeared now, as he once again re-lives this humiliating moment from his childhood. Reacting in the only way a small child would, he quickly snatches a hymnal from one of the pews.

KRUSTY (chucking the hymnal)
Stop it!

With all his might, Krusty angrily throws the hymnal in the direction of the pulpit where Homer is standing. The camera switches to dramatic slow-motion as the hymnal comes flying in. Homer just barely dodges the hymnal flying toward his head. The hymnal continues on its trajectory, heading straight for the new stain glass window behind Homer. Reverend Lovejoy, like an action star, tries jumping in the way as a shield, but it's too late. The hymnal strikes the stain glass window and it shatters into thousands of multicolored pieces.

The sanctuary is now deathly silent. Everyone is simply awestruck by Krusty's freak-out. Krusty, having seen what he has done, is scanning the faces in the crowd.

MOE (stepping forward)
Krusty the Clown? You're Jewish. What are you doing in our sanctuary?

Faced by this statement, Krusty shudders and runs from the room.

HOMER (from the podium, as if nothing has happened)
And... Haran died before his father Terah...

REVEREND LOVEJOY (nudging him away from the podium)
Give it up, Homer. Go back to your seat.

Homer, relieved that this torture is over, returns to his seat. Reverend Lovejoy walks to a glass emergency case that reads, "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS." He breaks the glass, and withdraws an ordinary-looking offertory plate.

REVEREND (back at the pulpit)
My friends... A terrible calamity has befallen our church. Our brand new window has been utterly destroyed. We must hold an Emergency Offering right now, to right how we have been wronged.

The offertory plate begins making its rounds throughout the pews. The various church members grumble as they reach into their wallets for another donation. Eventually, the offering plate reaches the Simpson family's row. Moe and Homer simultaneously open their wallets, which both only contain a single bill... The $100 bills from the envelope.

Both men stare at the pile of cash sitting in the offering plate before them.

MOE (thinking)
Hmmmmm, this is bad...

HOMER (whispering)
Don't worry. I asked the Big Man himself, and he told me it was fine.

MOE
Really? And you told Lovejoy?

HOMER
Yep.

Both Moe and Homer simultaneously drop their $100 bills in the offertory and begin fishing through the various bills to make change.

HELEN LOVEJOY (at the end of the pew, watching)
Tim! It's happening again!

REVEREND LOVEJOY (walking over)
What? And now Moe's doing it too? That's it! You both need to leave right now!

HOMER
But God said it was cool...

REVEREND LOVEJOY
I don't want to hear your lies anymore! Out!

Reverend Lovejoy snaps his fingers, and various congregation members surround Homer and Moe, both of which are still clutching several dollar bills in their hands. The mob of church members wrestle away the money from their hands, and begin forcing Homer and Moe to the exit. Both of them fight against the crowd, but it's too much. They are eventually pushed out of the church and the door is slammed behind them.

Now barred from the church, both men sit on the street curb sadly. Moe pulls the white envelope from his pocket and reveals what's left of his ill-gotten reward... Two "Rent" tickets.

MOE
So, uh... You want to see "Rent"?

HOMER (sighing)
Yeah, whatever.

EXT, Springfield Entertainment District, the following Saturday night.

Homer, Moe, and a large crowd are quickly exiting a theater with a large "Rent" banner overhead. Everyone is standing around in the lobby, chatting about the show. Homer and Moe are chatting with a nondescript young couple.

HOMER
Thank goodness for intermission. I need to stretch my legs.

RANDOM MAN
That's for sure.

MOE
That was an amazing first act. The singing, the acting... It was fabulous!

HOMER (looking at Moe's suit)
Moe, you got a big piece of lint on your jacket. Here, I got it.

Homer picks off the piece of lint, and the young couple watches carefully.

RANDOM WOMAN
So... Um, how long have you two been together?

HOMER
We're not together.

RANDOM WOMAN
Oh, I just thought...

HOMER (sarcastic)
What, because two middle-aged men seeing "Rent" just have to be gay. Because two straight men couldn't possibly have good taste in musical theater. No, we can't have that.

MOE
You disgust me, lady.

The couple leaves them awkwardly.

MOE (to Homer)
We should've seen "Fiddler on the Roof" instead.

HOMER (numbly)
Yeah...

Fade to black.

(A "Curb"-esque version of The Simpsons theme plays as the credits roll.)

[Jesse Pinkman]

i have the sudden urge to pay you money... that was fantastic!

[Capt Hammer]

Brilliant stuff!