"O Father, Where Art Thou?"
Spooky Jim-boo! the 13th
It’s Halloween in Springfield and the year’s spooky festivities are in full swing. A number of residents are dressed in ghastly costumes, standing onstage at an outdoor award presentation.
QUIMBY: (holding envelope) ...And this year’s winner for scariest Halloween mask goes to … Moe Syslack.
The crowd cheers loudly.
MOE: But I keep tellin’ ya. I’m not wearing a mask!
QUIMBY: And as your prize, (reaches into pocket and begins to count money in his hand) thirteen dollars and fifty three cents, a rubber band and a condom.
Moe gleefully accepts his prize, and cracks a huge grin. A woman in the crowd screams and faints. Moe runs off the stage, passing a trick or treating Homer, Bart and Lisa.
HOMER (Creeped out): Boy, Moe’s masks just get scarier every year.
Lisa compares her bag of Halloween treats to Bart’s.
LISA: Looks like I beat your haul this year, Bart.
BART: Oh yeah? Don’t be so sure.
Bart makes a quick commanding whistle signaling a weary cart pulling Milhouse to pick up the pace.
MILHOUSE: I thought you said that you’d hire a mule, Bart.
BART: Quiet you!
LISA: Dad, where’s your candy?
HOMER: You know, amongst all my tricking, I actually forgot the treating. Wait here kids; I’ll be back in twenty minutes.
BART: We already cleaned out every house on the block.
LISA: Yeah, the only place we didn’t visit was that creepy looking castle up on haunted hill...
Lightning crashes as we get a shot of this sinister looking castle.
LISA: ...But only a complete imbecile would go up there.
In the background Homer is seen hastily making his way up the hill.
Homer arrives at the castle door. He rings the doorbell and Professor Frink answers.
HOMER (Holding bag out): Trick or treat?
FRINK: I’m... not following you.
HOMER: See, you give me loads of candy; otherwise I pelt your house with rotten eggs. It’s a standard holiday law.
FRINK: I don’t have any candy.
HOMER: Hmm, and I’m all out of eggs.
FRINK (Eager to close door): Well, goodnight then.
Frink goes to close the door as a mechanical clink followed by a tortured moan is heard from inside the castle. Homer stops the door.
HOMER (Suspicious): Hey, what the hell was that?
FRINK (Nervous): I didn’t hear anything.
HOMER: It came from inside.
FRINK: Oh, yes... well, uh, I’ve got a gimp in there, nnn-hey!
HOMER (Appeased): Oh. Okay then.
Homer turns to leave as the same scary noise is heard again.
HOMER (Suspicious): Wait a minute… that’s no gimp!
Homer nudges past Frink and enters the castle. Inside the castle we see a horrifying octopus/ monkey hybrid, writhing in pain on an operating table.
HOMER (Shocked): I knew it! (Pause) You DO have candy!
Homer bypasses the creature and rushes over to a cobweb covered candy machine that again makes a “clinking” noise. The machine houses many assorted treats.
FRINK: Oh, yes, this thing. I guess you can take it. But I must warn you; (dramatic close-up) this machine carries a horrible deadly curse! (Quickly adding) Plus it’s out of cheeto’s, nnn-hey.
HOMER (Concerned): Hmm, cheeto’s you say? Looks pretty heavy... but I think I can manage.
CUT TO the Simpson’s house entrance as an exhausted Milhouse carries the candy machine in on his back. He then collapses on the floor.
HOMER: Etta boy.
MARGE: Homer, where have you been? The kids said you were killed.
BART (To Lisa): I owe you some candy.
HOMER: Jeez, I was only trick or treating at the mad scientist’s castle on haunted hill, Marge. And besides, look what I got!
Homer lifts the candy machine into an upright position. Bart and Lisa approach it, impressed.
MARGE: Homer, you didn’t steal this machine, did you?
HOMER: I didn’t have to; the scientist gave it to me for free. Though, he did warn me that it was out of cheetos. Oh, and something about a horrible curse.
LISA (Examining coin slot): Looks like this machine only accepts satanic currency.
HOMER: Bart, get me a coin and a piece of string. I have an idea…
CUT TO Homer swinging a large coin tied to a length of string like a mace. He then forcefully smashes the machine’s glass guard with the coin. Candy and cans of soft drink come pouring out.
HOMER (Getting on his knees): Now let’s see what we’ve got here. (Rummaging through the candy) Choke-a-Cola, Ice Scream bar, candy snake (the snake hisses and Homer bites its head off), a Butterfinger? Eww, Bart can have that. (Tosses away) (Picks up a can of soft drink) Mmm, invisible Cola.
Homer opens the can and begins drinking.
BART: How is it, dad?
HOMER (Holding stomach): Ohh, I’m getting an odd tingling sensation through my entire body and my stomach feels like it’s on fire. Otherwise, great! (Drinks more cola)
MARGE: Homer, you know I don’t approve of you eating so much candy.
HOMER: Marge, with warnings like “May cause immediate heart failure” and “Harmful to your sperm count”, I’d say that nightmares are the least of my worries. (Continues drinking and eating the candy)
Marge groans disapprovingly.
Later that night, Homer is still awake eating candy and watching The Friday night horror movie; “Chucky vs. Leather face” on TV.
Tired of the movie and sick of candy, Homer decides to go to bed. He makes his way upstairs muttering “Oww, I don’t feel right” as he enters the upstairs bathroom. He turns on the light and stands in front of the mirror where he sees no reflection.
HOMER (Horrified): Hey, is this mirror broken? (Looks closer) Wait a minute… I’m a vampire!
Marge rushes into the bathroom.
MARGE: Homer, what’s the matter?!? (Sees a floating shirt and pants standing in front of the mirror) (Frightened) Homer, is that you?
HOMER: Marge, I don’t have a reflection. I think I’m a vampire!
MARGE: It’s not just your reflection Homer, I can’t see you either!
HOMER: Then, I’m not a vampire?
MARGE (Slightly annoyed): No.
HOMER: (Relieved) Phew.
Bart and Lisa enter and ask what all the noise is about.
MARGE: Kids, your father’s completely disappeared.
BART (Unsurprised): I knew one day his gambling debt would catch up with him.
MARGE: What gambling debt?
BART: His debt with the Mafia.
HOMER (Enraged): I’ll give you debt with the mafia!
Homer lifts Bart into the air and begins strangling him.
BART (Half relieved): Dad, (choke) you’re (choke) not dead.
HOMER (Deranged): We’ve both discussed this and we think it’s time for you to leave!
BART: I’ll (choke) move out (choke) tomorrow.
MARGE: Homer, that’s enough. Bart’s going from blue to indigo!
LISA: Dad, stop it!
Both Marge and Lisa tackle Homer in an attempt to get him under control but he throws them off and continues strangling. Marge heroically pulls the medicine cabinet out of the wall and brings it down on Homer’s head. Homer falls to the floor unconscious. Later on in the living room, Homer comes to.
HOMER: Ohh, my head. I’m not hung-over, am I?
BART: No, but you did try to kill me.
HOMER: Oh, I’m sorry boy, but it wasn’t me, honest. This strange feeling came over me. A feeling of immense anger that I’ve only ever felt before while watching Will and Grace.
LISA (Examining candy wrappers): Well, you certainly ate a lot of this strange candy last night. Maybe that could explain your behavior and apparent lack of visibility.
Lisa picks up an empty can of Invisible Cola.
LISA: A-ha, right here. (Reading) “May cause invisibility”
HOMER: Oh yeah, that soda was awful.
LISA (Adding): “If more than eight cans are consumed”
HOMER: Awfully addictive.
MARGE: Well, I’m not having my husband be invisible and murderous. I’m going to get the antidote from that evil mad scientist. One of you kids come with me, the other stay and watch your father.
LISA: I’ll go with you mom.
BART: But you can’t leave me with this monster!
MARGE: Now now, Bart. Lisa asked first.
Lisa sticks her tongue out childishly as she and Marge leave.
HOMER (Reassuringly): Don’t worry son, I won’t kill you… on purpose.
At Frink’s castle, Marge and Lisa stand at the door. They hear odd whipping noises as they ring the doorbell. Frink answers wearing a dominatrix outfit.
FRINK (Annoyed): Mmm, yes? What is it?
MARGE: You gave my husband candy that made him invisible and he tried to murder my son.
FRINK: Oh, I suppose you want the antidote then?
Marge nods sternly.
FRINK (Sigh): Oh, for glayvin's... I’ll be back in a minute.
Frink leaves the door slightly ajar. Inside Marge and Lisa see the monkey/ octopus hybrid dressed in a gimp outfit. They both exchange a concerned glance.
Marge and Lisa arrive home to see Flanders’s house ablaze. They run inside their own home and see Bart sprawled across the living room floor unconscious.
LISA: Oh no! Bart’s dead!
BART (Awakening): Huh, what?
MARGE: Bart, what happened? Did your father drug you?
LISA: Did he outsmart you somehow?
BART: No, I uh, fell asleep.
LISA (Angry): You fell asleep!?!
BART (Defensive): Hey, anybody would feel drowsy after such a traumatic strangling.
MARGE: Well, we’ve gotta find him. That pervert professor Frink said that if we don’t administer this shot before midnight, he’ll be like this forever.
LISA: But how will we find him?
BART: Wait, I’ve got an idea.
Bart turns on the television. On the TV Kent Brockman is reporting live.
BROCKMAN: Kent Brockman here, reporting live from Lard Lad Donuts where just moments ago, witnesses claim that an invisible man raided the store, devouring hundreds of fatty treats. Young man, did you get a good look at the assailant?
SQUEAKY VOICED TEEN: No, I did not. I saw nothing. Nothing at all.
BROCKMAN: You heard it here first folks, live testimony that the invisible man does indeed exist. (Holding hand to earpiece) Now, I’ve just recieved word that the invisible man was last “seen” at the woman’s locker room in the Springfield gym.
MARGE: You heard the man. Let’s roll!
LISA: Bart, how did you know that there’d be a live report about dad on TV?
BART: I didn’t. I turned it on to watch Spongebob.
MARGE (In the car): Let’s go already! (Honks horn)
Meanwhile in the police station, Chief Wiggum sighs despondently.
LOU: Hey, what’s the matter Chief?
WIGGUM: This is the lamest Halloween ever, Lou. It’s almost midnight and so far, there hasn’t been one report of a chainsaw wielding maniac, or a werewolf or an alien or anything cool.
LOU: Well, I’m sure things will pick up soon.
Eddie enters hurriedly.
EDDIE: Chief, we’ve got a report of an invisible man terrorizing a woman’s locker-room downtown.
LOU (Encouraging): Hey, there you go, Chief.
WIGGUM: Does this invisible man have any special powers? Like laser shooting eyeballs or a really long tongue?
EDDIE: I don’t think so.
LOU: But hey Chief; invisible man. I mean, come on!
WIGGUM: Yeah, yeah, I guess that’s still… pretty cool… (Determined) Let’s roll.
At the gym the camera begins to zoom in on the female shower room but then shifts left to the men’s. Homer stands singing in the shower.
HOMER: This is great! I’m free to shower nude without the fear of other men judging me while at the same time, am able to pass judgment on them. (To Hans Molemen) Pee wee.
MOLEMEN (Depressed): I am as god made me…
Meanwhile, Wiggum and his boys enter the gym. They each carry large guns and are wearing infer-red goggles.
WIGGUM: Now remember your training, boys. This is a stealth mission so we’re gonna be using the element of surprise.
A tiny mouse scurries across the room.
WIGGUM (Freaked out): What the hell was that!?! Fire! Give him everything you’ve got and more!
Eddie, Lou and Wiggum all begin firing their weapons aimlessly. Wiggum’s machine gun bullets quickly decimate the establishment. Eddie fires off round after round of shotgun ammo. Lou pulls out a bazooka and fires it into the air. They manage to shoot out all the lights. Nearby, Homer hears the commotion.
HOMER: Oh no, the Mafia have come to exact revenge!
Homer hastily exits the men’s locker room and runs past Wiggum and his boys and out the exit.
WIGGUM: Boy, I hope the wind blew that door open.
LOU (Examining wet footprints): Not unless the wind leaves footprints.
Chief Wiggum waits for confirmation.
LOU: The wind doesn’t leave footprints, Chief.
Outside the gym Homer cackles wildly.
HOMER: Ha-ha, I’m invincible! Nothing can stop me!
At that moment, Marge and the kids come speeding up in the car.
HOMER (Shocked): What the---
Homer is hit by the car as Marge comes to a halt. Marge and the kids get out to inspect the damage. They see a large indentation of Homer’s body on the front of the vehicle. Homer lays on the road ahead, moaning in pain.
MARGE: Oh no, we hit your father!
Bart and Lisa both jump around in celebration.
MARGE: Quick, kids, the antidote!
At that moment, Wiggum and his boys come bursting out of the gym.
WIGGUM: It’s okay m’am, we’ll take it from here.
Wiggum and his crew pick up Homer and stuff him in the back of the wagon.
MARGE: But you can’t take him away! I’ve got to administer this antidotal shot before midnight or else he’ll never change back.
WIGGUM: Do you know how crazy that sounds? Okay boys; let’s haul this invisible scumbag off to juvie.
The wagon begins to drive off. Homer, in the back screams out for Marge.
BART: What are we gonna do now, mom?