Ralph_Wiggum

(Part 1)

(Lois walks outside, she instantly gasps as she sees the truck)

LOIS:

Peter! What is this?

PETER:

What are you blind? Oh, no Lois. We’re just getting a couple of boxes of books for your reading club. We stole beer. From Pawtucket’s.

LOIS:

Why did you…?

BRIAN:

Go look in the fridge, Lois.

LOIS:

I know well there’s no beer in there.

PETER:

Yeah, and why go out and buy a 6 pack that’ll last 2 days when we can get a lifetime supply for free?

LOIS:

Because you’re stealing.

PETER:

Don’t think of it that way Lois, think of it as…a reward for all my….hard work.

LOIS:

Hard work.

PETER:

Yes. A reward. A reward for my hard work.

LOIS:

Wait until the brewery hears about this, Peter. Then we’ll see who’s working hard.

PETER:

Oh please, the brewery’ll never find out.

(Peter’s phone rings. He answers.)

PETER:

Hello? What?! No, the bottom shelf. Anyway, I’m fired?!

LOIS:

Told ya.

BRIAN:

So who’s working hard, Lois?

(Stewie walks by in a builder’s outfit.)

STEWIE:

Don’t mind me, just working hard.

(Brian and Lois look at eachother. Cut to outside The Drunken Clam. Cut to inside. Peter, Quagmire, Mort and Joe having a conversation.)

PETER:

I just can’t belive I got fired, guys.

QUAGMIRE:

Wait, why are we at the Clam? Don’t you have a lifetime supply of beer?

JOE:

We confiscated it from him.

QUAGMIRE:

Then don’t you have a lifetime supply of beer?

(Joe’s eyes dart from side to side.)

JOE:

Erm…no. What’d make you think that Quagmire? It’s in the police’s hands. I DON’T HAVE IT I TELL YOU!

MORT:

I remember the first time I got fired, it was very bad. I was 14. I had misplaced a book in the bookstore. Oh yes, I put The Theory of Evolution under Non-Fiction by mistake. My Mother took away my inhaler for a week because of it. It was very bad. I nearly died.

PETER:

I just don’t know where I’m gonna get a job now, I mean Lois doesn't have one, Meg’s too ugly to get a job anywhere and Chris is spending all the money from the paper route on himself.

MORT:

Well maybe you could come and work at the Pharmacy?

(Peter looks upwards, thoughtfully. Inside a thought bubble we see him behind the counter with Mort talking to him.)

MORT:

Now, Peter. I need to go to James Woods High, Neil forgot to bring in his maths assignment and due to family rules, he may not watch any National Geographic if it isn’t handed in.

PETER:

Yeah whatever just go.

(Fade in to later, the shelves are empty and bottles and packets are on the floor, emptied. Peter is lying down in a pile of them.)

PETER:

Lois? Lois? Lois, I think I left the gate open. Get the dragon in, PLEASE! It’ll take my grandparents! Lois?

(Back to Peter in the Drunken Clam.)

PETER:

Nah, I don’t see that happening.

JOE:

We don’t want you on the police force.

PETER:

Why?

(Joe gives him a “are you really asking that?” look.)

QUAGMIRE:

What about if you became a pilot?

PETER:

Let’s see…any flaws with that?

(Once again to Peter’s thoughts. He’s in the cockpit of a plane with many bags of peanuts surrounding him. A stewardess comes in.)

STEWARDESS:

Excuse me, Mr.Griffin. A passenger wants some peanuts and you have them all.

PETER:

Noooo! They’re mine! MINE!

STEWARDESS:

A-alright. I’ll tell him we’re out.

(She walks off. Peter laughs to himself)

PETER:

That showed her. Oh. Wait. Holy crap, I’m allergic to peanuts!

(Peter puffs up to the size of the cockpit. View of the outside of the plane.)

PETER:

Errrm, attention passengers, we need to make an emergency landing.

(Back to Peter again in the Clam.)

PETER:

I’ll take it! Peter Griffin is now a pilot!

ALL:

Yay!

QUAGMIRE:

Actually you’re not a pilot yet. You need to take flying lessons.

PETER:

Oh...right.