GrandmaBird!!!
05-07-2006, 04:43 PM
Here is my second Simpsons script along with some “screen shots.” I hope you enjoy it.
The Simpsons Episode
“Homer: Texas Stranger”
By Trenton Noack
FADE IN:
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
HOMER sits on the couch beside BART, who is reading a comic book. MARGE enters the room with all of her outdoor accessories: coat, car keys, MAGGIE.
MARGE
(To Homer)
Now, while I’m off visiting my mother in the hospital
I want you to finish the chore list I left for you.
HOMER
(Obviously lying)
Oh, rats. I left the list at Lenny’s.
MARGE
(Aggravated)
I just taped the list to the refrigerator, Homer.
HOMER
I still might have trouble finding it.
MARGE
Just do it. I’ll tell my mother you said "hi".
HOMER
(Concerned)
Don’t lie to her, Marge.
Marge exits the house. Homer leans back on the couch and switches on the TV with the remote. Static fills the TV screen.
HOMER
Hey, what’s the deal?
BART
Cable’s out.
Homer sits in silence while Bart flips through the pages of his comic book.
HOMER
I think I’ll get a beer.
Homer gets up and walks a few feet into the kitchen before noticing the chore list taped to the refrigerator. He lets out a small SCREAM then runs back to his ass groove on the couch.
He sits for a few seconds more in silence.
HOMER
There’s no way to describe how
drunk I wish I was right now.
BART
Why don’t you just go to Moe’s?
HOMER
It’s wet t-shirt night. And I don’t feel
like getting my clothes wet.
BART
Well if you want to get drunk,
I’ll sling suds for you, Dad.
HOMER
Really? Where did you learn to mix drinks?
BART
You taught me.
HOMER
(Reminiscing)
Oh, yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen table and chairs have been converted in a way resembling a bar. Bart, draped with an apron, stands behind the table polishing a glass. Homer sits drunk in a chair.
HOMER
(Drunk)
The new millennium was a total rip-off.
We paid good tax money for Y2K and
it never came. We deserve a Y2K!
BART
I think you’ve had enough.
HOMER
No I haven’t. I can still see.
BART
Good point.
He pours Homer another drink. LISA then enters the kitchen. Shocked, she runs over and takes the drink from Bart’s hand.
LISA
Bart, what are you doing! You know Dad’s
not supposed to drink when he’s watching over us.
I’m calling Grandpa’s cell phone.
She goes over to the phone and picks up the receiver.
BART
Oh Lis, you know Grandpa and “Drunk-Homer”
are pretty much the same thing.
LISA
Hmmm…Well, Grandpa will do a lot
less involuntary vomiting.
She dials the number. RINGING is heard coming from the backyard. Lisa opens the door and walks out.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
She finds GRANDPA on his back in the bushes.
GRANDPA
(Depressed)
I’ve been here for a week and that’s
the first call I’ve got.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – NIGHT
Grandpa is standing angrily over Homer, who is sitting angrily below Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Homer, this is your father. So, listen up.
You’re drinking too much beer!
HOMER
No, I’m not! (He takes a swig from a bottle)
You’re taking too much medication!
GRANDPA
No, I’m not! (He opens a container and pops a few pills)
HOMER
You can’t tell me what to do, old man.
You’re just an old man. It’s
not like you’re my old man.
BART
That’s it. I’m closing up for the night.
HOMER
Fine, I’m leaving!
Homer pushes himself up and staggers to the front door.
GRANDPA
What th…Hey!
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN
Homer slams through the door and sloppily makes his way to his car. Grandpa, Bart, and Lisa rush to the doorway.
GRANDPA
That does it! No allowance for one week!
HOMER
(Scoffs) I make almost double your allowance at work.
Homer opens the car door and sits down in the driver’s seat.
LISA
(Concerned)
Dad, don’t drive drunk. What if you have an accident?
HOMER
(Sincerely)
Oh, Honey, I can always buy new pants.
He backs the car out of the driveway and speeds off.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Homer’s pink car speeds along down the dark road. He is struggling to stay awake.
HOMER
Where am I? It’s so dark I can hardly
make out any of the signs.
He squints to read the signs as he passes them.
HOMER
(Reading)
Exit 121. Exit 350. Yield. Stop. They have speed limits now!
A fire engine. A line of ducks. Two kids on a see-saw.
Homer then falls fast asleep while driving by the sign with the see-saw on it. Being asleep, he doesn’t notice the see-saw that is actually in the middle of the street. He runs it over as two KIDS run screaming.
FADE TO:
EXT. TEXAS – BY ALAMO – MORNING
Homer is just coming back into consciousness as two MEN angrily stand above him.
MAN 1
Hey you! Get up!
MAN 2
Yer lying on a historical landmark –
the spot where Ozzy peed.
On the Alamo wall is a plaque with Ozzy Osborn’s picture engraved into it. The text reads: “Lest we forget”.
Homer rubs his head, rises to his feet, and looks back at the Alamo.
HOMER
What th…The Alamo. Where am I, Scotland?
MAN 1
(Sternly)
No. Yer in Texas.
Homer lets out a loud, horrifying SCREAM, then shyly puts his fingers together.
HOMER
Sorry, I thought I saw a spider.
END OF ACT I
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EXT. ALAMO - MORNING
A sober, but confused Homer stands in front of the two men.
TIM (MAN 1)
Well, judgin’ by yer out-of-state license plate and
the fact that you have no idea of where the hell you are,
I’d guess you weren’t from around here. My name’s Tim,
this is my good buddy Colby.
HOMER
Hi, I’m Homer. Are you sure this is Texas? I thought at least
I would have seen a cowboy or be executed by now.
COLBY (MAN 2)
(Rudely)
It ain’t 1875.
HOMER
It ain’t?! (Groans)
TIM
Texas has changed. We’re about more than just
cowboys and killin’ folk, despite the impression
you’d get from some people.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEAR ALAMO
RICH TEXAN, who is jumping, hollering, and shooting his guns in the air, stops his normal routine to say:
RICH TEXAN
(Emotional)
That really hurts.
He then, instantly returns to hollering, jumping, and shooting.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALAMO
Homer, Tim, and Colby continue to converse.
COLBY
The industrial revolution made it possible for farmers and
ranchers to move into the city and get jobs that could actually
benefit in our nation’s growth. Like oil minin’ and debt collectin’.
TIM
So, what were ya plannin’ on doin’ in Texas?
HOMER
I don’t really remember. My memory is a little fuzzy.
TIM
Well, you should come hang out with us. There’s plenty a way
to soak in the cultural heritage of the Lone Star State.
HOMER
(Sarcastically)
Like what, rodeo?
TIM
Yes.
HOMER
(Excited)
Oh boy, rodeo!
CUT TO:
EXT. RODEO BLEACHERS – DAY
An exited Homer, now with a cowboy hat on his head, boots on his feet, and bandana tied around his neck, sits beside his new Southern buddies (Tim and Colby) watching the action.
After a BULL RIDER is thrown off of his BULL, a RODEO CLOWN jumps in between him and the angry bull and starts dancing.
HOMER
(Giggles) Look at ‘em dance. Hey…
Homer Simpson the rodeo clown!
The rodeo clown then jumps into a barrel with the bull immediately charging over to him and smashing the barrel to pieces with his two front hooves.
HOMER
Eh, I’ll just save myself the hospital visit.
TIM
So, how are ya enjoying yerself, Homer?
HOMER
Oh I’m loving it, Tim. I can’t believe I’ve never
realized how great Texas really is.
COLBY
Yep, it’s far superior to any other state
in this country, I’ll tell you what.
TIM
Yep.
COLBY
Yep.
HOMER
And I conquer with that statement.
TIM
Homer, would you like to join us at our group
meeting tonight? I think you’d fit it just fine.
HOMER
Sure, I’d love to.
BARNEY (OS)
Hey Homer.
BARNEY sits a few rows ahead of them looking especially dazed and confused.
HOMER
Barney? What are you doing here?
BARNEY
I was in your trunk.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Marge is pacing angrily back and forth. Bart and Lisa sit on the couch beside their aunt SELMA. Grandpa sits in the armchair looking as dazed and confused as Barney
MARGE
I can’t believe he could do something so
irresponsible twice in the same week.
SELMA
Homer is selfish, fat, and lazy; and he only cares about
one thing. And that thing is selfish, fat, and lazy.
MARGE
Look, I’m mad at him too but I’m not
going to sit here and bad talk him.
The phone rings. Marge answers it.
MARGE
Hello? Homer, where on earth are you?!
CUT TO:
EXT. A PAY PHONE IN TEXAS
Homer is on the other line.
HOMER
Marge, there’s no need to be worried. I’m safe and sound
here in Texas. And I gotta tell you, it’s nothing at all like that
one movie we saw about that chainsaw massacre. There’s rodeos,
Alamos, cowboy hats, belt buckles the size of pumpkins. Its way
better than whatever state we live in.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
MARGE
(Angry)
I’m not worried, Homer. I’m angry. You just left our children
practically home alone with no one at all capable of protecting them.
Grandpa lets out a depressed sigh and lowers his head.
We continue to CUT in-between their phone conversation.
HOMER
(In Texas)
What? (Remembering) Oh. Look, I’m sorry. Okay?
MARGE
It’s like you don’t even care about
your own family, Homer.
HOMER
I care. How is your mom doing in the hospital?
MARGE
I bet you don’t even know why she’s there.
Homer takes a second to ponder.
HOMER
Face transplant?
MARGE
(Murmurs) Lucky guess. Just come home
right now, okay?
HOMER
But Marge, I like it here. It’ll just be
a few days longer.
MARGE
(Furious)
Well if you like it so much in Texas,
why don’t you just live there?!
HOMER
(Also Furious)
Fine! Maybe I will!
MARGE
Fine!
Marge slams down the receiver and storms off.
SELMA
Texas. I once dated a girl from Texas. It didn’t work out.
BART
(Confused)
Aunt Selma? I thought Patty was gay.
SELMA
I am Patty.
The REAL SELMA walks into the living room. Both of them looking exactly the same.
REAL SELMA
I told you to stick with your old hair style.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLUB HOUSE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Homer, Tim, and Colby are walking in for the club meeting. Homer is twirling a pistol on his finger.
HOMER
I can’t believe that it’s legal here to twirl a
loaded pistol around on your finger.
TIM
It ain’t.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer, Tim, and Colby enter into the loud, boisterous crowd where Southern accents roam free. Dozens of MEN are there, all dressed in western attire. Tim and Colby both put on cowboy hats.
HOMER
(Amused)
Hey, you do have cowboy hats.
COLBY
Homer, help yerself to a beer.
HOMER
(Blissfully)
I love this place more and more every second.
TIM
So, ya still think Texas is far superior to any other state?
HOMER
(Agitated)
I don’t know. Just give me a beer.
COLBY
Homer, Tim is tryin’ to tell ya what our club is really about.
HOMER
(Groans) You’re not, like, gay cowboys, are you?
TIM
Well, we are about to do a quick musical number.
HOMER
As long as it’s quick.
An up-tempo version of Yellow Rose of Texas begins to play.
*listen to it here (http://www.lsjunction.com/midi/yellowr.mid)
Tim and Colby start to bob up and down with the other members behind them doing the same. They begin to sing:
TIM
An uprisin’ in Texas, that’s what I want to see.
With enough ammunition, to rewrite history.
COLBY
We’ll all band together, with pride and confidence.
And become our own country, neither state nor providence.
ALL
Come on Southern brothers, sing this song with me!
And succeed from this nation, so we can all be free!
Raise your shotguns high, and your flamin’ torches too!
We’ll show those Yankee bastards what a real country can do!
TIM
In the film about the Alamo, Crockett was John Wayne.
Portrayin’ his emotions, loyalty, and pain.
COLBY
Two great Southern heroes, daring, strong, and brave.
I guess that’s why we took ‘em both, and rose ‘em from the grave.
The zombie corpses of DAVY CROCKETT and JOHN WAYNE step out from the crowd.
ALL
(Reprise)
Come on Southern brothers, sing this song with me!
And succeed from this nation, so we can all be free!
Raise your shotguns high, and your flamin’ torches too!
We’ll show those Yankee bastards what a real country can do!
TIM
Our state representatives, won’t return our calls.
They do not have the vision, they do not have the balls.
COLBY
So we’ll teach ‘em all a lesson, it’ll happen so damn soon.
That we’ll drink some Southern Comfort, and be back in bed by noon.
ALL
Be back in bed by noon! Yee Haw!
The music stops. Tim looks over to a timid and confused Homer.
TIM
So, are ya in or are ya out?
HOMER
Do I have to sing my answer?
TIM
Only if you want to.
HOMER
(Singing)
I am out!
TIM
(Singing)
Then you are dead!
HOMER
(Singing)
D’oh!
END OF ACT II
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INT. CLUB HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer is the center of attention in the drunken rally, though he is neither drunk nor rallying.
HOMER
(Scared)
Okay, you’ve convinced me. I’ll join
you’re stupid, crazy mob.
TIM
(Pleased)
That’s the spirit.
HOMER
(Slyly)
Let me just get something out of my car real quick.
TIM
We sold yer car. You won’t be needin’ it. All you’ll need
is the shirt on yer back and a good weapon. Colby,
get our friend here a weapon.
COLBY
You want a shotgun, or what?
TIM
Surprise me.
Colby hands Tim a shotgun.
TIM
(Annoyed)
You expect this to surprise me.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGE & HOMER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Marge is asleep in bed when the telephone rings. It is Homer.
MARGE
Hello?
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB HOUSE HALLWAY
Homer covers his mouth with his hand as he talks into the telephone, which is mounted on a wall beside the bathroom.
HOMER
(Whispering)
Marge, you gotta come pick me up, now.
We CUT in-between their phone conversation.
MARGE
(Sarcastically)
Well well well, if it isn’t Mr.
I’m-In-Love-With-Texas.
HOMER
No, Marge. It’s me. Homer.
You gotta come get me.
MARGE
I’m not coming all the way over there just
to pick you up. You got yourself there, now you
can just find a way back again.
HOMER
(Pleading)
But Marge, I lost my car and these crazy guys with guns
are forcing me to join their crazy club with guns and I’m not
sure if I’ll make it out alive…
A large CLUB MEMBER approaches Homer from behind.
CLUB MEMBER
(Sternly)
Hey! That better be a local call.
HOMER
(To Marge)
Gotta go.
Homer hangs up the telephone.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB BEDROOM – NIGHT
The room is dark and filled with bunk beds which are all occupied by club members, much like the room in Full Metal Jacket. A worried Homer lies in a top bunk holding his shotgun. Tim walks by with his arms crossed behind his back.
TIM
I want ya’ll to get a good nights rest. You don’t
want to be cranky for the big massacre tomorrow.
Tim walks out of the room and shuts the door.
Homer opens his eyes and glances around nervously at all of the sleeping club members.
CUT TO:
EXT. A HILL NEAR TEXAS STATE CAPITOL – BEFORE SUNRISE
Tim, Colby, Homer, and the rest of the club stand atop the hill with shotguns in hand and cowboy hats on head.
A TRUMPETER finishes playing an old tune.
The group looks like a rogue army awaiting their target. Homer looks like a French army awaiting defeat. Tim approaches Homer.
TIM
Alright, when Senator Stemmons approaches the entrance to
The State Capitol building, that’s when you’ll make the first shot.
HOMER
(Scared)
Me?! But I can’t hit a moving target.
I’ve tried, honest.
TIM
Ah, quit actin’ like such a New Yorker!
A car approaches the capitol parking lot.
COLBY
There he is. Everybody get down.
Everyone drops to their stomachs and watches as SENATOR STEMMONS exits his car and approaches the building. Homer points his gun at him.
TIM
Get ready, Homer. This’ll be the shot
heard round our own little world.
As the Senator gets closer and closer, Homer’s finger on the trigger gets shakier and shakier. Homer is visibly sweating. He pulls the trigger and the gun FIRES.
The Senator grabs his stomach and bends over. The club members all CHEER.
Then, The Senator bends back up revealing a splash of green goop on his shirt.
CLUB MEMBER
He’s an alien! I knew it!
Tim inspects Homer’s gun.
TIM
Wait, these are just paintballs.
CLUB MEMBER
He’s not an alien! I’m an idiot!
Homer triumphantly stands up in front of them.
HOMER
That’s right! I switched out all of your precious bullets
during the night with paintballs. And I did it to teach you all a
lesson! (Sincerely) Sure, you all have your differences with the
people who have power over you, who doesn’t? And I think it’s
great that you want improvement, but our country didn’t get
where it is today by violently overthrowing anyone and everyone
that stood in its path.
TIM
Yeah, it did.
HOMER
Whatever. You guys are on your own.
Homer begins to walk away.
TIM
Hold it, partner! There’s one gun you didn’t find.
Tim pulls a small pistol from his sock and aims it at Homer’s heart.
TIM
And here’s a little lesson for you.
Don’t…mess…with…DANG IT!
Marge suddenly rams Tim to the ground with her car.
MARGE
Homer! Get in!
Homer jumps into the car and they drive off. Tim gets up and shoots at them a few times as they leave sight.
TIM
Dang it, they got away.
Tim looks back to find a hoard of POLICEMEN along with the unhappy Senator standing right behind him.
TIM
(Groans) Where’s Davy Crockett when ya need ‘em?
The zombie corpse of Davy Crockett approaches Tim.
CROCKETT
Sorry, I was in the can.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGES CAR
Marge and Homer are safely on the road back to Springfield.
HOMER
Marge, you saved my life! I thought you didn’t care?
MARGE
I care, Homer. But do you?
Marge looks sympathetically into Homers eyes. Homer then lowers his head.
HOMER
(Ashamed)
I’m sorry, Marge. I know that abandoning my children
probably wasn’t the best choice I could have made.
And, I promise, I won’t ever do it again.
MARGE
Thank you, Homer.
Homer looks out the window at the picturesque landscape.
HOMER
You know, in spite of it all, I think I’m
gonna miss this country.
MARGE
Texas is a state.
HOMER
Not for long it isn’t.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN – SUNRISE
Homer is leaving the house for work. Bart and Lisa are waiting for the school bus.
MARGE (OS)
Have a good day at work, Homie!
Homer reaches his car, takes out his key, but stops. He looks up with a sly smile and shifts his eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN
Homer, wearing his cowboy hat and boots, bursts out of the garage on the back of a HORSE and gallops out of the driveway.
Lisa stands astonished next to Bart.
LISA
(Astonished)
Where did Dad get that horse from?
BART
Lis, we’ve had so many horses over the years,
I don’t even bother asking anymore.
Homer rides off into the sunrise on his mysterious steed and bellows out his mighty exit call:
HOMER
Don’t mess with Springfield!
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT III
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Also, I’m not sure what I want to do next, so I put up a poll of my ideas. Whichever one gets the most votes – I’ll write.
"BART DYLAN" - Bart discovers folk music and becomes a very praised singer.
“MY COUSIN LENNY” – Homer, Moe, and Carl help Lenny reunite with his estranged family.
“A SIMPSON WICKED THIS WAY COMES” - Marge’s aunt visits and the family thinks she is a witch.
“TREEHOUSE OF HORROR” – Ralph gets revenge on the other students, Homer accidentally marries a corpse as in “Corpse Bride,” and I’m not sure what else.
The Simpsons Episode
“Homer: Texas Stranger”
By Trenton Noack
FADE IN:
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM – EVENING
HOMER sits on the couch beside BART, who is reading a comic book. MARGE enters the room with all of her outdoor accessories: coat, car keys, MAGGIE.
MARGE
(To Homer)
Now, while I’m off visiting my mother in the hospital
I want you to finish the chore list I left for you.
HOMER
(Obviously lying)
Oh, rats. I left the list at Lenny’s.
MARGE
(Aggravated)
I just taped the list to the refrigerator, Homer.
HOMER
I still might have trouble finding it.
MARGE
Just do it. I’ll tell my mother you said "hi".
HOMER
(Concerned)
Don’t lie to her, Marge.
Marge exits the house. Homer leans back on the couch and switches on the TV with the remote. Static fills the TV screen.
HOMER
Hey, what’s the deal?
BART
Cable’s out.
Homer sits in silence while Bart flips through the pages of his comic book.
HOMER
I think I’ll get a beer.
Homer gets up and walks a few feet into the kitchen before noticing the chore list taped to the refrigerator. He lets out a small SCREAM then runs back to his ass groove on the couch.
He sits for a few seconds more in silence.
HOMER
There’s no way to describe how
drunk I wish I was right now.
BART
Why don’t you just go to Moe’s?
HOMER
It’s wet t-shirt night. And I don’t feel
like getting my clothes wet.
BART
Well if you want to get drunk,
I’ll sling suds for you, Dad.
HOMER
Really? Where did you learn to mix drinks?
BART
You taught me.
HOMER
(Reminiscing)
Oh, yeah.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen table and chairs have been converted in a way resembling a bar. Bart, draped with an apron, stands behind the table polishing a glass. Homer sits drunk in a chair.
HOMER
(Drunk)
The new millennium was a total rip-off.
We paid good tax money for Y2K and
it never came. We deserve a Y2K!
BART
I think you’ve had enough.
HOMER
No I haven’t. I can still see.
BART
Good point.
He pours Homer another drink. LISA then enters the kitchen. Shocked, she runs over and takes the drink from Bart’s hand.
LISA
Bart, what are you doing! You know Dad’s
not supposed to drink when he’s watching over us.
I’m calling Grandpa’s cell phone.
She goes over to the phone and picks up the receiver.
BART
Oh Lis, you know Grandpa and “Drunk-Homer”
are pretty much the same thing.
LISA
Hmmm…Well, Grandpa will do a lot
less involuntary vomiting.
She dials the number. RINGING is heard coming from the backyard. Lisa opens the door and walks out.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
She finds GRANDPA on his back in the bushes.
GRANDPA
(Depressed)
I’ve been here for a week and that’s
the first call I’ve got.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – NIGHT
Grandpa is standing angrily over Homer, who is sitting angrily below Grandpa.
GRANDPA
Homer, this is your father. So, listen up.
You’re drinking too much beer!
HOMER
No, I’m not! (He takes a swig from a bottle)
You’re taking too much medication!
GRANDPA
No, I’m not! (He opens a container and pops a few pills)
HOMER
You can’t tell me what to do, old man.
You’re just an old man. It’s
not like you’re my old man.
BART
That’s it. I’m closing up for the night.
HOMER
Fine, I’m leaving!
Homer pushes himself up and staggers to the front door.
GRANDPA
What th…Hey!
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN
Homer slams through the door and sloppily makes his way to his car. Grandpa, Bart, and Lisa rush to the doorway.
GRANDPA
That does it! No allowance for one week!
HOMER
(Scoffs) I make almost double your allowance at work.
Homer opens the car door and sits down in the driver’s seat.
LISA
(Concerned)
Dad, don’t drive drunk. What if you have an accident?
HOMER
(Sincerely)
Oh, Honey, I can always buy new pants.
He backs the car out of the driveway and speeds off.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT
Homer’s pink car speeds along down the dark road. He is struggling to stay awake.
HOMER
Where am I? It’s so dark I can hardly
make out any of the signs.
He squints to read the signs as he passes them.
HOMER
(Reading)
Exit 121. Exit 350. Yield. Stop. They have speed limits now!
A fire engine. A line of ducks. Two kids on a see-saw.
Homer then falls fast asleep while driving by the sign with the see-saw on it. Being asleep, he doesn’t notice the see-saw that is actually in the middle of the street. He runs it over as two KIDS run screaming.
FADE TO:
EXT. TEXAS – BY ALAMO – MORNING
Homer is just coming back into consciousness as two MEN angrily stand above him.
MAN 1
Hey you! Get up!
MAN 2
Yer lying on a historical landmark –
the spot where Ozzy peed.
On the Alamo wall is a plaque with Ozzy Osborn’s picture engraved into it. The text reads: “Lest we forget”.
Homer rubs his head, rises to his feet, and looks back at the Alamo.
HOMER
What th…The Alamo. Where am I, Scotland?
MAN 1
(Sternly)
No. Yer in Texas.
Homer lets out a loud, horrifying SCREAM, then shyly puts his fingers together.
HOMER
Sorry, I thought I saw a spider.
END OF ACT I
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EXT. ALAMO - MORNING
A sober, but confused Homer stands in front of the two men.
TIM (MAN 1)
Well, judgin’ by yer out-of-state license plate and
the fact that you have no idea of where the hell you are,
I’d guess you weren’t from around here. My name’s Tim,
this is my good buddy Colby.
HOMER
Hi, I’m Homer. Are you sure this is Texas? I thought at least
I would have seen a cowboy or be executed by now.
COLBY (MAN 2)
(Rudely)
It ain’t 1875.
HOMER
It ain’t?! (Groans)
TIM
Texas has changed. We’re about more than just
cowboys and killin’ folk, despite the impression
you’d get from some people.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEAR ALAMO
RICH TEXAN, who is jumping, hollering, and shooting his guns in the air, stops his normal routine to say:
RICH TEXAN
(Emotional)
That really hurts.
He then, instantly returns to hollering, jumping, and shooting.
CUT TO:
EXT. ALAMO
Homer, Tim, and Colby continue to converse.
COLBY
The industrial revolution made it possible for farmers and
ranchers to move into the city and get jobs that could actually
benefit in our nation’s growth. Like oil minin’ and debt collectin’.
TIM
So, what were ya plannin’ on doin’ in Texas?
HOMER
I don’t really remember. My memory is a little fuzzy.
TIM
Well, you should come hang out with us. There’s plenty a way
to soak in the cultural heritage of the Lone Star State.
HOMER
(Sarcastically)
Like what, rodeo?
TIM
Yes.
HOMER
(Excited)
Oh boy, rodeo!
CUT TO:
EXT. RODEO BLEACHERS – DAY
An exited Homer, now with a cowboy hat on his head, boots on his feet, and bandana tied around his neck, sits beside his new Southern buddies (Tim and Colby) watching the action.
After a BULL RIDER is thrown off of his BULL, a RODEO CLOWN jumps in between him and the angry bull and starts dancing.
HOMER
(Giggles) Look at ‘em dance. Hey…
Homer Simpson the rodeo clown!
The rodeo clown then jumps into a barrel with the bull immediately charging over to him and smashing the barrel to pieces with his two front hooves.
HOMER
Eh, I’ll just save myself the hospital visit.
TIM
So, how are ya enjoying yerself, Homer?
HOMER
Oh I’m loving it, Tim. I can’t believe I’ve never
realized how great Texas really is.
COLBY
Yep, it’s far superior to any other state
in this country, I’ll tell you what.
TIM
Yep.
COLBY
Yep.
HOMER
And I conquer with that statement.
TIM
Homer, would you like to join us at our group
meeting tonight? I think you’d fit it just fine.
HOMER
Sure, I’d love to.
BARNEY (OS)
Hey Homer.
BARNEY sits a few rows ahead of them looking especially dazed and confused.
HOMER
Barney? What are you doing here?
BARNEY
I was in your trunk.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Marge is pacing angrily back and forth. Bart and Lisa sit on the couch beside their aunt SELMA. Grandpa sits in the armchair looking as dazed and confused as Barney
MARGE
I can’t believe he could do something so
irresponsible twice in the same week.
SELMA
Homer is selfish, fat, and lazy; and he only cares about
one thing. And that thing is selfish, fat, and lazy.
MARGE
Look, I’m mad at him too but I’m not
going to sit here and bad talk him.
The phone rings. Marge answers it.
MARGE
Hello? Homer, where on earth are you?!
CUT TO:
EXT. A PAY PHONE IN TEXAS
Homer is on the other line.
HOMER
Marge, there’s no need to be worried. I’m safe and sound
here in Texas. And I gotta tell you, it’s nothing at all like that
one movie we saw about that chainsaw massacre. There’s rodeos,
Alamos, cowboy hats, belt buckles the size of pumpkins. Its way
better than whatever state we live in.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM
MARGE
(Angry)
I’m not worried, Homer. I’m angry. You just left our children
practically home alone with no one at all capable of protecting them.
Grandpa lets out a depressed sigh and lowers his head.
We continue to CUT in-between their phone conversation.
HOMER
(In Texas)
What? (Remembering) Oh. Look, I’m sorry. Okay?
MARGE
It’s like you don’t even care about
your own family, Homer.
HOMER
I care. How is your mom doing in the hospital?
MARGE
I bet you don’t even know why she’s there.
Homer takes a second to ponder.
HOMER
Face transplant?
MARGE
(Murmurs) Lucky guess. Just come home
right now, okay?
HOMER
But Marge, I like it here. It’ll just be
a few days longer.
MARGE
(Furious)
Well if you like it so much in Texas,
why don’t you just live there?!
HOMER
(Also Furious)
Fine! Maybe I will!
MARGE
Fine!
Marge slams down the receiver and storms off.
SELMA
Texas. I once dated a girl from Texas. It didn’t work out.
BART
(Confused)
Aunt Selma? I thought Patty was gay.
SELMA
I am Patty.
The REAL SELMA walks into the living room. Both of them looking exactly the same.
REAL SELMA
I told you to stick with your old hair style.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLUB HOUSE ENTRANCE – NIGHT
Homer, Tim, and Colby are walking in for the club meeting. Homer is twirling a pistol on his finger.
HOMER
I can’t believe that it’s legal here to twirl a
loaded pistol around on your finger.
TIM
It ain’t.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer, Tim, and Colby enter into the loud, boisterous crowd where Southern accents roam free. Dozens of MEN are there, all dressed in western attire. Tim and Colby both put on cowboy hats.
HOMER
(Amused)
Hey, you do have cowboy hats.
COLBY
Homer, help yerself to a beer.
HOMER
(Blissfully)
I love this place more and more every second.
TIM
So, ya still think Texas is far superior to any other state?
HOMER
(Agitated)
I don’t know. Just give me a beer.
COLBY
Homer, Tim is tryin’ to tell ya what our club is really about.
HOMER
(Groans) You’re not, like, gay cowboys, are you?
TIM
Well, we are about to do a quick musical number.
HOMER
As long as it’s quick.
An up-tempo version of Yellow Rose of Texas begins to play.
*listen to it here (http://www.lsjunction.com/midi/yellowr.mid)
Tim and Colby start to bob up and down with the other members behind them doing the same. They begin to sing:
TIM
An uprisin’ in Texas, that’s what I want to see.
With enough ammunition, to rewrite history.
COLBY
We’ll all band together, with pride and confidence.
And become our own country, neither state nor providence.
ALL
Come on Southern brothers, sing this song with me!
And succeed from this nation, so we can all be free!
Raise your shotguns high, and your flamin’ torches too!
We’ll show those Yankee bastards what a real country can do!
TIM
In the film about the Alamo, Crockett was John Wayne.
Portrayin’ his emotions, loyalty, and pain.
COLBY
Two great Southern heroes, daring, strong, and brave.
I guess that’s why we took ‘em both, and rose ‘em from the grave.
The zombie corpses of DAVY CROCKETT and JOHN WAYNE step out from the crowd.
ALL
(Reprise)
Come on Southern brothers, sing this song with me!
And succeed from this nation, so we can all be free!
Raise your shotguns high, and your flamin’ torches too!
We’ll show those Yankee bastards what a real country can do!
TIM
Our state representatives, won’t return our calls.
They do not have the vision, they do not have the balls.
COLBY
So we’ll teach ‘em all a lesson, it’ll happen so damn soon.
That we’ll drink some Southern Comfort, and be back in bed by noon.
ALL
Be back in bed by noon! Yee Haw!
The music stops. Tim looks over to a timid and confused Homer.
TIM
So, are ya in or are ya out?
HOMER
Do I have to sing my answer?
TIM
Only if you want to.
HOMER
(Singing)
I am out!
TIM
(Singing)
Then you are dead!
HOMER
(Singing)
D’oh!
END OF ACT II
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INT. CLUB HOUSE – NIGHT
Homer is the center of attention in the drunken rally, though he is neither drunk nor rallying.
HOMER
(Scared)
Okay, you’ve convinced me. I’ll join
you’re stupid, crazy mob.
TIM
(Pleased)
That’s the spirit.
HOMER
(Slyly)
Let me just get something out of my car real quick.
TIM
We sold yer car. You won’t be needin’ it. All you’ll need
is the shirt on yer back and a good weapon. Colby,
get our friend here a weapon.
COLBY
You want a shotgun, or what?
TIM
Surprise me.
Colby hands Tim a shotgun.
TIM
(Annoyed)
You expect this to surprise me.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGE & HOMER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Marge is asleep in bed when the telephone rings. It is Homer.
MARGE
Hello?
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB HOUSE HALLWAY
Homer covers his mouth with his hand as he talks into the telephone, which is mounted on a wall beside the bathroom.
HOMER
(Whispering)
Marge, you gotta come pick me up, now.
We CUT in-between their phone conversation.
MARGE
(Sarcastically)
Well well well, if it isn’t Mr.
I’m-In-Love-With-Texas.
HOMER
No, Marge. It’s me. Homer.
You gotta come get me.
MARGE
I’m not coming all the way over there just
to pick you up. You got yourself there, now you
can just find a way back again.
HOMER
(Pleading)
But Marge, I lost my car and these crazy guys with guns
are forcing me to join their crazy club with guns and I’m not
sure if I’ll make it out alive…
A large CLUB MEMBER approaches Homer from behind.
CLUB MEMBER
(Sternly)
Hey! That better be a local call.
HOMER
(To Marge)
Gotta go.
Homer hangs up the telephone.
CUT TO:
INT. CLUB BEDROOM – NIGHT
The room is dark and filled with bunk beds which are all occupied by club members, much like the room in Full Metal Jacket. A worried Homer lies in a top bunk holding his shotgun. Tim walks by with his arms crossed behind his back.
TIM
I want ya’ll to get a good nights rest. You don’t
want to be cranky for the big massacre tomorrow.
Tim walks out of the room and shuts the door.
Homer opens his eyes and glances around nervously at all of the sleeping club members.
CUT TO:
EXT. A HILL NEAR TEXAS STATE CAPITOL – BEFORE SUNRISE
Tim, Colby, Homer, and the rest of the club stand atop the hill with shotguns in hand and cowboy hats on head.
A TRUMPETER finishes playing an old tune.
The group looks like a rogue army awaiting their target. Homer looks like a French army awaiting defeat. Tim approaches Homer.
TIM
Alright, when Senator Stemmons approaches the entrance to
The State Capitol building, that’s when you’ll make the first shot.
HOMER
(Scared)
Me?! But I can’t hit a moving target.
I’ve tried, honest.
TIM
Ah, quit actin’ like such a New Yorker!
A car approaches the capitol parking lot.
COLBY
There he is. Everybody get down.
Everyone drops to their stomachs and watches as SENATOR STEMMONS exits his car and approaches the building. Homer points his gun at him.
TIM
Get ready, Homer. This’ll be the shot
heard round our own little world.
As the Senator gets closer and closer, Homer’s finger on the trigger gets shakier and shakier. Homer is visibly sweating. He pulls the trigger and the gun FIRES.
The Senator grabs his stomach and bends over. The club members all CHEER.
Then, The Senator bends back up revealing a splash of green goop on his shirt.
CLUB MEMBER
He’s an alien! I knew it!
Tim inspects Homer’s gun.
TIM
Wait, these are just paintballs.
CLUB MEMBER
He’s not an alien! I’m an idiot!
Homer triumphantly stands up in front of them.
HOMER
That’s right! I switched out all of your precious bullets
during the night with paintballs. And I did it to teach you all a
lesson! (Sincerely) Sure, you all have your differences with the
people who have power over you, who doesn’t? And I think it’s
great that you want improvement, but our country didn’t get
where it is today by violently overthrowing anyone and everyone
that stood in its path.
TIM
Yeah, it did.
HOMER
Whatever. You guys are on your own.
Homer begins to walk away.
TIM
Hold it, partner! There’s one gun you didn’t find.
Tim pulls a small pistol from his sock and aims it at Homer’s heart.
TIM
And here’s a little lesson for you.
Don’t…mess…with…DANG IT!
Marge suddenly rams Tim to the ground with her car.
MARGE
Homer! Get in!
Homer jumps into the car and they drive off. Tim gets up and shoots at them a few times as they leave sight.
TIM
Dang it, they got away.
Tim looks back to find a hoard of POLICEMEN along with the unhappy Senator standing right behind him.
TIM
(Groans) Where’s Davy Crockett when ya need ‘em?
The zombie corpse of Davy Crockett approaches Tim.
CROCKETT
Sorry, I was in the can.
CUT TO:
INT. MARGES CAR
Marge and Homer are safely on the road back to Springfield.
HOMER
Marge, you saved my life! I thought you didn’t care?
MARGE
I care, Homer. But do you?
Marge looks sympathetically into Homers eyes. Homer then lowers his head.
HOMER
(Ashamed)
I’m sorry, Marge. I know that abandoning my children
probably wasn’t the best choice I could have made.
And, I promise, I won’t ever do it again.
MARGE
Thank you, Homer.
Homer looks out the window at the picturesque landscape.
HOMER
You know, in spite of it all, I think I’m
gonna miss this country.
MARGE
Texas is a state.
HOMER
Not for long it isn’t.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN – SUNRISE
Homer is leaving the house for work. Bart and Lisa are waiting for the school bus.
MARGE (OS)
Have a good day at work, Homie!
Homer reaches his car, takes out his key, but stops. He looks up with a sly smile and shifts his eyes.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON FRONT LAWN
Homer, wearing his cowboy hat and boots, bursts out of the garage on the back of a HORSE and gallops out of the driveway.
Lisa stands astonished next to Bart.
LISA
(Astonished)
Where did Dad get that horse from?
BART
Lis, we’ve had so many horses over the years,
I don’t even bother asking anymore.
Homer rides off into the sunrise on his mysterious steed and bellows out his mighty exit call:
HOMER
Don’t mess with Springfield!
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT III
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Also, I’m not sure what I want to do next, so I put up a poll of my ideas. Whichever one gets the most votes – I’ll write.
"BART DYLAN" - Bart discovers folk music and becomes a very praised singer.
“MY COUSIN LENNY” – Homer, Moe, and Carl help Lenny reunite with his estranged family.
“A SIMPSON WICKED THIS WAY COMES” - Marge’s aunt visits and the family thinks she is a witch.
“TREEHOUSE OF HORROR” – Ralph gets revenge on the other students, Homer accidentally marries a corpse as in “Corpse Bride,” and I’m not sure what else.