Favorite Onion Headlines

[lolpenis_taco]

Figured I'd make this after seeing the Onion-related thread in Media Discussion. I'm obviously an avid Onion reader. Seriously, nothing makes me laugh harder. If you read The Onion, post your favorite headlines here. If you don't, let's never be friends.

Asshole Even Shoots Pool Like An Asshole
Everytime Area Man Drops By, Friend is Watching The Big Lebowski
Gay Couple Enjoys Banal Sex
Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride to Concert From Mom
20 Percent of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically
Family Feud Continues Years After Gameshow Appearance
McDonalds Employee Just In It For The Money

There's about 8,000 but I'm too tired.

[billi vanilli]

CRUST OF BREAD FOUND!

[DotheBartman]

Scientology Losing Ground to New "Fictionology"
Dolphins Grow Opposable Thumbs; "Oh Shit" Says Humanity
Pharmaceutical Says Its New Anti-depressant is "Worthless and Dumb" ("So's Our Whole Stupid Company" Says CEO)
Zombie Nutritionist Reccomends "All Brain Diet"
Archaelogist Tired of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils
Suicide Note Full of Simpsons References
Ronald Reagan's Body Dies
Oh, Area Man's Aching Back
I Can't Seem to get a hang of this Whole "Cat Breeding" Thing
I Have to Admit: I Love the Nuts (By Danny the Squirrel)
Point Counterpoint: You The Man/No, You the Man
Bush Determined to Find Warehouse Where Ark of Covenant is Stored
Starbucks Begins Sinister "Phase Two" of Operation

And so, so many more....

Along with the books, I have a whole stack of printed copies. They print them in Denver (one of the few cities that does so), and once a week I pick up the latest copy and save it.

[Dead Nigga Storage]

Gay Couple Enjoys Banal Sex
as soon as i saw your custom title a few days ago, i knew it was the onion.

Christopher Reeve Placed Atop Washington Monument
Janitory Puts in Request to Work out of Homet
Opinion: It's Funny How What You're Saying Relates to My Novel
HOLY FUCKING SHIT MAN WALKS ON GODDAMN MOON!
School Board Approves New Gay Ass Uniforms
Bush to Iraqi Militants: "Please Stop Bringing it On"
U.S. Finishes A 'Strong Second' In Iraq War
Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'
Report: Majority of Iraqis Not Dead
Family Recalls Man's Cowardly Battle with Cancer
World's Largest Metaphor Strikes Iceberg, Sinks
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole at the Center of His Marriage
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People
American Way of Life Becomes Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Film (9/11)
North Dakota Not Heard from in 48 Hours

[DotheBartman]

Martin Luther King: "I had a Really Weird Dream Last Night"
Clinton Deploys Very-Special Forces to Iraq
Clinton Goes Back in Time; Teams Up with New Age Clinton
Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion
Ghost of Christmas Future Taunts Children with Images of Playstation 5
Christmas Brought to Iraq By Force
Democrats Somehow Lose Primaries
Show About Idiots Who Watch MTV Hit with Idiots Who Watch MTV (picture of Beavis and Butthead)
Bush Diagnosed with Attention-to-Deficit Disorder
Cheney Caught Moonlighting Again
Report: Cheney was "Determined" To Shoot Old Man in Face
U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan
Senate Carpool "Forgets" To Pick up Feingold Again
Deciding Vote On Wetlands Preservation Bill Rests with Littlest Senator
Dad Keeps Dropping Hits About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

Too many....once I start thinking of them I can't stop

[Dead Nigga Storage]

Congress Approves of $250 Million
Retards take Field Trip to McDonald's
Duke University Equestrian Team Hoping To Avoid Investigation Into Their Sex Scandal
Mexicans Sweeping the Nation
Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country
Who Would Leave A Perfectly Good Fabric Softener Sample In My Mailbox?
My Anti-Drug is Alcohol

[Ignignot]

Funyons still outselling Responsibilityons.

[George]

Assasin Finds New Way To Kill.

[blueduck37]

Mason-Dixon Line Renamed IHOP-Waffle House Line

[Radioactive Man]

Man Has Amazing Ass
Women: Why Don't They Lose Some Weight?

[bluemoose]

Sean Penn Demands to Know What Asshole Took "SeanPenn@gmail.com" (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44460)
Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46226)
U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All Time High (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39680)
Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45792)
Overcrowding Reaches Crisis Level At Yellowstone National Parking Lot
Final Installment Of Frogger Trilogy Poised To Sweep Oscars
Not a headline - just one of those things on the side: Unregistered Sex Offender Decides To Notify Neighbors In His Own Way

[ehren]

Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player in Major League Baseball
Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor
High Times Website Cached
Area Man Outperformed by Own Watch
No Jennifer Lopez News Today
Microsoft Patents Ones and Zeroes

[lolpenis_taco]

as soon as i saw your custom title a few days ago, i knew it was the onion.

I thought that article was too damn funny not to be custom title-worthy. And I made a mistake, it's supposed to be "Gay Couple Has Banal Sex." Really makes more sense the correct way, if you think about it.

Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'
Local Man Gets Cocky With Ladder
Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating
Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going
Local Man Casually Mentions Upcoming Birthday

[H Thompson]

O.J Finds Killer (partly because of how it combines with the picture)
New Starbucks opens in restroom of exsisting Starbucks
Protestors Ignored

and one of the horoscopes "Your irrational fear of doctors will finally disappear this week and be replaced by a very rational, justified fear of them"

[billi vanilli]

whisman's new sig made me laugh.

edit: Cancer June 22 - July 22

You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."

[Dead Nigga Storage]

all 3 of your's remind me of these 3:

O.J. Begins Hunt for Real Killer on Golf Course
Starbucks to Begin Sinister Phase Two of their Operation
Protest Finishes One Protestor Short of Success

all of the horoscopes are possibly the funniest part of the website...and the sidewalk interviews, especially because of the people's photos they use.

[DotheBartman]

I'm Like a Chocoholic, But for Booze!


And how could I have possibly forgotten this one:

McDonald's Drops "Hammurderer" Character From Advertising

The paragraph in there about Kool-Aid's "The Grapist" (a giant purple monster who sodomizes thirsty chilrden) made me literally hurt from laughter for at least several minutes.

[StrideR]

Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

[lolpenis_taco]

And now for my favorite "Local Man" headlines:

Man As Surprised As Anyone That He Knows All The Members Of N'Sync
Area Man's Pop Culture References Stop At 1988
Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With "I Love You"
Man With Friend With Cancer "Going Through A Rough Time"
No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change
Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password
Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend

[Dead Nigga Storage]

Man's Purchase of Generic Brand Cereals Not Received Well at Home
Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides
According To Nutritional Information, Local Man Just Had 16 Servings Of Fritos
Local Man Can Finally Take 'Buy Socks' Off To-Do List
The Thinkable Happens To Local Man
Salvadoran Earthquake Registers 0.2 On Local Man's Consciousness

[Ignignot]

Cedar Rapids library beefs up security after 9/11

[Wasteland]

I saw this article hanging on the wall of a bookstore in Knoxville, Tennessee.

South Postpones Rising For Yet Another Year. (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28559)

[My Little Needle]

from memory

Orgy a Logistical Nightmare
It's Not a Crack House, It's a Crack Home
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
Gum In Our Schools!

[Dead Nigga Storage]

Surgeon General: Americans Have Big Fat Asses

[box elder]

i forgot i had the onion page up when i was away from my computer for about an hour today and upon my return i actually thought Tiffani Thiessen was dead for a few seconds.

[StrideR]

World death rate holding steady at 100 percent
Secondhand smoke linked to secondhand coolness
Local man would like fries with that
AIDS Awareness campaign spreads awareness, AIDS
Area 15-Year-Old Only Homosexual In Whole World
Special X-Games End In Extreme Tragedy

[vox]

Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving
Suicide Not Actually The Easy Way Out For Area Quadriplegic
Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related
Christian Science Pharmacist Refuses To Fill Any Prescription