GrandmaBird!!!
03-09-2006, 12:14 AM
This is my completed script for The Simpsons – Moe the Moe. I drew up some “screen shots” for it too (mostly just for my own amusement) Enjoy!
The Simpsons Episode
“Moe the Moe”
By Trenton Noack
ACT I
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
HOMER sits on the couch literally on the edge of his seat in anticipation. BART enters from the kitchen carrying a bowl of popcorn.
HOMER
I can’t wait to see McBain number nine.
Bart hands the bowl of popcorn to Homer.
BART
I heard that McBain’s death scene at the end
of the movie was Rainier Wolfcastle actually being killed
on the set by a stage light.
MARGE enters the house and into the living room. She’s carrying her purse.
MARGE
Now I know you both wanted me to rent
the new McBain movie.
Homer and Bart both nod their heads.
MARGE
But…
HOMER
I’ll be at Moe’s!
Homer throws the popcorn into Bart’s arms and runs out the front door.
MARGE
(Cont.) I had a coupon so I rented the entire series.
She pulls out a stack of video cassettes from her purse. Bart’s mouth opens with joy; he walks over to her.
BART
Mom, have I ever told you how much I love you.
MARGE
(Flattered)
Oh Bart…
BART
Because it doesn’t compare to my love for violent movies.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Moe stands behind his counter cleaning a glass amidst his line of regulars; consisting of Homer, Barney, Barfly 1, and of course Barfly 2.
MOE
Sorry guys, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave. I’m
closing early tonight.
BARNEY
Huh? Why?
MOE
I gotta date tonight and she’s comin' over to the bar.
BARNEY
You have a date?! With a woman?!
MOE
(Irritated)
Yes, with a woman. Is that so hard to believe? That I
could get a date? Now get the hell out!
BARNEY
(Groans) I guess its sobriety again for me.
Barney exits the tavern. Homer approaches Moe.
HOMER
So, who’s the dame Moe?
MOE
Her name’s Maurine, Moe for short. I met her on a website
dedicated exclusively to people with my name:
moepeople.com. But don’t confuse it for molepeople.com.
That’s a completely different kind of website.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Moleman sits in front of a computer.
MOLEMAN
She’s like a naked version of me.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Moe and Homer continue to converse.
MOE
Sorry to just kick you out like this Homer.
HOMER
That’s okay. At least I got to miss whatever lousy movie Marge rented.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Bart lies on the floor munching on popcorn in the room lit only by the glow of McBain number nine.
CUT TO:
INT. MCBAIN MOVIE – VILLIAN HIDEOUT – NIGHT
MCBAIN is squaring off against his nemesis DOCTOR DEADLY in his lair.
MCBAIN
You’ll never get away with this Doctor Deadly.
DR DEADLY
Oh, on the contrary McBain. You see, I hadn’t counted
on Jimmy’s confession in the courtroom, but what I had
counted on was the ongoing pursuit…
A light suddenly falls from above, crushing MaBain. Startled, Doctor Deadly puts his hand over his mouth.
The movie then cuts to a black screen with the text Directed by Dirk McAlister.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
All the drunks have left and Moe has set up candlelit atmosphere. He is dressed in his crummy grey suit and is nervously adjusting his bowtie. A knock at the door is heard.
MOE
Oh God, there she is. Ok, just take a deep breath, be calm,
and hope to God that the cheap deodorant actually works.
He takes the deep breath and opens the door for Maurine. She stands at the entrance in an enticing pink dress.
MAURINE
Hi Moe. It’s great to finally meet you.
They hug each other.
MOE
It’s great to meet you too Moe. You look great. That
picture you e-mailed me doesn’t do you justice.
MAURINE
That was a picture of the possum I found living in my
attic.
MOE
Then I guess you can see my expectations were very low.
Maurine giggles as she takes a tour of the bar.
MAURINE
Oh, this place is so great. I’ve always wanted to run my
own bar; ever since I was a little girl. I used to line my
dolls up in a row and serve them all apple juice.
MOE
Ha! I did the same thing. Only instead of dolls, I used
stray cats. And instead of apple juice, I used paint thinner.
MAURINE
Only I could never afford to own my own business.
Honestly, I’ve been having a pretty rough time lately.
MOE
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Maurine smiles slightly.
MAURINE
Oh, Moe. You got it all.
A hopeful grin comes across Moe’s face.
MOE
Huh, you know what, I never thought of it like that.
Maurine playfully hops behind the bar counter. She picks up a couple of bottles of alcohol.
MAURINE
What’ll you have? Whiskey? Everclear?
MOE
No, I don’t usually drink. Mostly because I know half the
stuff I sell is tainted.
MAURINE
Come on Moe. It’s a fifty-fifty shot.
Moe contemplates for a few seconds.
MOE
I’ll bet on that!
Maurine pours him a drink of something and he downs the whole glass. From Moe’s POV, everything becomes hazy.
FADE TO:
EXT. AN OFFSIDE FIELD – MORNING
Moe lays unconscious in a muddy ditch. The light from the rising sun shines on his thin, tattered body. He then wakes up and puts his hand on his forehead.
MOE
(Groans) My head. It feels like it’s caught in a vice…again.
I gotta get back to the bar.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Moe runs up and into the bar
MOE
What the…
Moe runs inside.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Moe slams open the door and feverishly scans the room. His whole tavern is slightly off kilter. It’s brighter, cleaner, and the mice are well hidden. Maurine stands behind the bar counter.
MOE
Maurine, what the hell happened to my bar?
MAURINE
Oh, I just dressed it up a little. And in the future, could
you please refer to it as my bar.
MOE
Your bar?
She passes him a handful of papers
MAURINE
Don’t you remember? Last night you signed the whole
building over to me.
Moe skims through the papers.
MAURINE
I guess you were too drunk to remember.
Moe looks up at her very disjointed.
MOE
Moe, I thought we had a special bond goin' on?
MAURINE
You thought wrong. I don't date losers. Now I’m going to half to ask you to
leave. You’re on the banned list.
On the wall is a group of pictures labeled “Moe’s Banned List”. Moe’s picture has been placed alongside those of Lenny, Principal Skinner, Gil, Nelson, Sober Barney, and Nelson with a fake moustache.
MOE
(Groans) I’ve been placed on my own list. Well the jokes on
you Sweetie! The only business I get is from my regulars
and they’d never betray me.
Homer enters the tavern and takes a seat on a bar stool.
HOMER
(To Maurine)
Hey Moe. Give me a Duff.
MOE
Homer!
HOMER
Oh, hey Moe. Give me a Duff.
END OF ACT 1
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ACT II
EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY
A depressed Moe sits on a sidewalk.
MOE
I can’t believe it. She took everything: my bar, my dignity, my pickled eggs. Not to mention I got no place to live now. I was sleepin’ on the pool table. (Sighs) Where am I gonna sleep? How am I gonna eat? I just don’t know what to do.
A zoom back reveals Moe is talking to a little girl selling lemonade.
GIRL
Do you want some lemonade or not?
MOE
(Grumbles) How much is it?
GIRL
Fifteen cents.
MOE
Screw You!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Bart sits alone on the couch watching television. The phone RINGS and as he’s accustomed to, Bart answers it.
BART
Hello.
MOE
(On the other end)
Hey, is Homer there.
BART
No. He said he was going to work but judging by the
number of playing card decks he had with him, I suspect
otherwise.
MOE
(Discouraged)
Oh.
BART
What did you want?
MOE
Oh, nothin'. I was just wonderin' if, you know, I could
sleep over.
BART
Well, okay. But you have to bring your own sleeping bag. I
don’t want to deal with another “Milhouse” incident.
MOE
Hey! I’m a grown man, okay! I known to bring my own bag!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN– DAY
Bart is leading Moe, with his suitcase and sleeping bag, out to the backyard. LISA sits at the kitchen table feeding MAGGIE some porridge. Moe stops when he sees them.
MOE
Hey Maggie, long time no see. How you been cutie?
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
MOE
(Laughs) That’s…that’s adorable.
LISA
Bart, why is Moe staying with us?
MOE
Well, I had a few problems over at the bar and, long story
short, all women are the spawn of Satan.
LISA
(Angered)
That statement is so glib and sexist – I’m not even going
to dignify it with a response.
Bart and Moe stand unflinching.
MOE
(To Maggie)
If you turn out like that, I’m breakin' off all contact.
CUT TO:
INT. BART’S TREE HOUSE
Moe drops his belongings onto the floor as Bart shows him around.
BART
You can stay up here. There’s some food stashed away in
that cupboard. And if you get bored, I’ve got some bottle
rockets aimed at Rod and Todd’s bedroom. Feel free to
light them.
MOE
Thanks. Hey, what’s that?
Moe points to a wall with a group of pictures labeled “Bart’s Banned List”. Moe’s picture is alongside those of Ralph, Martin, Nelson, Lisa, and Nelson with a fake moustache.
BART
I’ll just take that off.
Bart takes down Moe’s picture.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Homer chuckles as he enters wearing a new fur coat and smoking a cigar. Marge approaches him looking frustrated.
MARGE
Homer, did you tell Moe he could sleep in Bart’s tree
house?
HOMER
What makes you say that?
MARGE
Because Moe is sleeping in Bart’s tree house.
HOMER
(Pondering)
Makes sense.
CUT TO:
INT. BART’S TREE HOUSE
Moe sits in his sleeping bag when Homer enters the tree house.
HOMER
Hey Moe. I brought you up some comic books.
MOE
Thanks…I guess.
Homer drops the comic books on the floor.
HOMER
So, how long do you plan on staying up here?
MOE
It all depends really. I suppose when I find a job and get
back on my feet again. Hey maybe I can work with you
down at the laundry mat.
HOMER
Moe, I work at the nuclear power plant.
MOE
Really? Since when?
HOMER
Since the 80’s.
MOE
(Dumbfounded)
Huh, you learn something new everyday.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN
Marge stands with her arms crossed as Homer walks into the room and opens the refrigerator.
MARGE
Well?
HOMER
Well what? Oh, right. Moe. Just give him a few
days Marge. He’s going through a hard time right now.
MARGE
Homer, I just don’t…
HOMER
Just give him a chance to find a new job.
You’ll hardly even notice he’s here.
GUN SHOTS are heard in the background. Seen through the kitchen window, a group of birds fly out of the tree house with Moe coming up behind them.
MOE
And take your freakin’ eggs with you!
Moe throws a couple of blue eggs at the birds.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD – DAY
Bart stands below his tree house as Milhouse trots over to him.
BART
Hey Milhouse, guess what.
MILHOUSE
What?
BART
I caught a gremlin last night and he’s living inside my tree
house.
MILHOUSE
Don’t lie Bart. My Mom says that’s what causes head lice.
BART
If you don’t believe me go check for yourself.
Milhouse climbs up the ladder.
INT. TREE HOUSE
Milhouse pokes his head in and sees Moe crouching down in his tank top and boxers eating a bowl of cereal. Milhouse screams.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
Milhouse quickly climbs down the tree and runs off screaming. Bart laughs to himself but his laughter changes to disgust as he looks up at Moe eating.
BART
Eeewww.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Homer is sitting on the couch watching TV. Marge approaches him frustrated again.
MARGE
Homer, I thought you said Moe would only be staying with
us until he got a new job.
HOMER
That’s right Marge.
MARGE
Well, it’s been over a week and he hasn’t even left the
tree house. Plus he’s been cursing at everything that
moves. He threatened to kill Ned Flanders just because he
thought the new drapes he bought looked funny. Go talk
to him.
CUT TO:
INT. TREE HOUSE – DAY
Moe stands angrily in the corner as the SOUND of Homer coming up the ladder is heard.
MOE
Hey! I already told you! I don’t have your damn chew toy!
Homer enters the tree house. Moe’s anger resides.
MOE
Oh, it’s you Homer.
Moe drops the chew toy he’d been holding.
HOMER
Are you okay Moe?
MOE
I’m not going to lie to you Homer, I feel terrible.
HOMER
I thought you were going out to look for a job?
MOE
Oh, I was but I got so much goin' on right here. What
with your neighbor’s drapes and all. (Pause) Plus my feet
hurt.
HOMER
Hey, I thought you said you weren’t going to lie to me.
MOE
(Sighs) I’m sorry Homer. It’s just (Pause) runnin' that bar
was the only thing I was good at. Take that away
(Pause) and I got nothin'.
Moe begins to tear up. Homer looks sympathetically at him.
HOMER
That’s enough! We have to get you your bar back!
MOE
Homer, I can’t…
HOMER
I didn’t want to have to use this, but you’re the cause of
my alcoholism. So you owe it to yourself to go and get
your bar back so I can stay like this.
MOE
You’re right! First thing tomorrow, Moe is gonna show Moe
which Moe really owns Moe’s.
HOMER
Yeah! (Pause) You’re gonna do what now?
END OF ACT II
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ACT III
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN –DAY
Moe sits at the kitchen table writing on a notepad. Homer and Bart sit beside him.
MOE
The one thing I know for sure about my bar
is that if one more big robbery happens, the place will
be bankrupt. And I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – DAY
Maurine stands behind the counter as CARL enters the tavern. He walks over to the bar looking quite stoic, sits down, and has a drink.
A straight-faced LENNY then enters the tavern with a flower box in his hands. Carl looks over at Lenny and Lenny at Carl. Lenny then rips open the flower box to reveal a bouquet of flowers. Carl walks over to him.
CARL
Where’s the gun, you moron?
LENNY
What gun?
CARL
You really are stupid, you know that?
The SOUND of a shotgun cocking is heard. Maurine is pointing Moe’s shotgun at Lenny and Carl. They both back up slowly and out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – DAY
Moe, Homer and Bart gather again at the kitchen table. Moe rips a piece of paper out of the notepad, crumples it up, and throws it aside.
MOE
So much for plan B.
BART
What happened to plan A?
MOE
There was no plan A.
HOMER
Well, how ‘bout we try my plan.
MOE
Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work.
Moe holds up a sketch of Homer’s plan. Homer has drawn Moe in a Superman costume holding his tavern up in the air and dumping out Maurine.
BART
I know what you can do. Annoy her out of their.
The Bart Simpson way!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Homer, Moe, and Bart stand together around the telephone. Bart picks it up and begins dialing.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN
Maurine serves a man a drink as the phone rings. She answers it.
MAURINE
Moe’s tavern.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
Bart has handed the phone off to Moe.
MOE
Yes, I’m looking for a Mr. Gayman, first name – Eneada.
MAURINE
I’m sorry, what was that name?
MOE
Mr. Gayman, first name – Eneada.
MAURINE
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. One more time.
MOE
(Aggravated)
Eneada Gayman okay? Just ask around.
Eneada Gayman and I need him on the phone right now…
INT. MOE’S TAVERN
Maurine has put the call on speaker phone and is holding the receiver up in the air. All the drunks are laughing.
MOE
(On speaker phone)
…or else I’m gonna go berserk over here.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
Bart and Homer are both laughing hysterically. Moe then catches on and hangs up the phone. Bart and Homer force themselves to stop.
MOE
It’s no use. She’s too smart. Oh God, what am I gonna do?
HOMER
You can always try suicide again.
Moe stares blankly at him.
MOE
(Dryly)
Thanks for your support Homer.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD – DAY
Moe climbs down Bart’s tree house for the last time. With his suitcase and sleeping bag in hand he begins to walk away.
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN
Marge is washing dishes while Lisa is drying them. Lisa notices Moe out the window and sees how sad he looks.
Lisa runs out of the Kitchen.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
As Moe is walking away Lisa, Homer and Bart run up to him.
HOMER
Moe, wait.
Moe stops walking as the Simpsons catch up with him.
MOE
What do you want – to laugh at me again?
LISA
Look, I originally wasn’t going to help you
because of what you said to me, but I just can’t
stand to see you so sad.
MOE
All I want is to steal my life back.
LISA
And that’s just what you’re going to do.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Maurine is serving someone a drink when a blonde, handsome MAN walks in. He sits down on a barstool.
MAN
(To Maurine)
Gee, I always thought this place was run by
some sort of gargoyle, but you’re gorgeous.
Maurine giggles.
MAURINE
Why, thank you. You’re about the handsomest
guy who’s said that today. How about a beer on the house?
Maurine hands him a glass and he takes a swig.
MAN
So, what are you doing later tonight?
MAURINE
I don’t know. What did you have in mind?
MAN
I was thinking you could close early so we could
get to know each other a little better.
Maurine giggles.
MAURINE
Sounds good.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. AN OFFSIDE FIELD – MORNING
Maurine now lays unconscious in the muddy ditch. She wakes up, puts her hand on her forehead, and gasps.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Maurine runs inside the tavern.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Maurine bursts through the door. The blonde man, Moe, and Homer are waiting for her.
MAURINE
My bar.
MOE
You mean my bar.
Moe passes her a handful of papers.
MOE
Don’t you remember? Last night you signed the
whole bar back over to me, with a little help
from my friend Jerry. He’s an acting student.
JERRY (MAN)
I want to be an acting student.
MOE
I guess you were just too drunk to remember.
Maurine examines the papers.
MAURINE
These aren’t the proper forms.
This is just a work application for the Kwik-E-Mart.
Moe grabs the papers and scans through them.
MOE
Homer, you idiot! This isn’t the right form!
HOMER
Huh?
Homer digs through his pocket and pulls out some papers and hands them to Maurine.
HOMER
Oh, here you go.
MAURINE
How pathetic is this? You really are a loser Moe.
A POLICE SIREN is heard in the background.
MOE
Oh no, the cops!
Police Chief WIGGUM, EDDIE, and LOU enter the tavern.
WIGGUM
Alright Moe, You have the right to remain silent.
Moe closes his eyes.
MOE
(Sighs) I’m goin’ to jail again. Oh well. At least I
can see how big the rats have gotten.
Moe hears the handcuffs click, but not onto himself. The police are arresting Maurine.
MOE
Hey, what’s goin’ on?
WIGGUM
As it turns out, Maurine, AKA Moe, is wanted for
arson and triple homicide.
MAURINE
Up yours pig.
WIGGUM
(Offended)
Hey, I got nothing against you.
MOE
Hey, a wanted criminal doesn’t have the legal right to own
a business. That means the bar is mine again!
WIGGUM
That’s right.
LOU
Are you sure, chief?
WIGGUM
(Whispering)
Quiet, he gives good bribes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
The place has returned to its normal appearance. Homer, Barfly 1, and Barfly 2 sit on their barstools drinking their beers. Moe takes his picture off of the “Banned List”, crumples it up, and throws it aside. He walks back over to the bar.
Barney then softly opens the squeaky tavern door. He stands with a shy grimace on his face. Moe smiles.
MOE
Welcome back.
The theme music to Welcome Back, Kotter plays as Barney walks over to the bar and Moe serves him a drink.
FADE OUT:
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The Simpsons Episode
“Moe the Moe”
By Trenton Noack
ACT I
INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
HOMER sits on the couch literally on the edge of his seat in anticipation. BART enters from the kitchen carrying a bowl of popcorn.
HOMER
I can’t wait to see McBain number nine.
Bart hands the bowl of popcorn to Homer.
BART
I heard that McBain’s death scene at the end
of the movie was Rainier Wolfcastle actually being killed
on the set by a stage light.
MARGE enters the house and into the living room. She’s carrying her purse.
MARGE
Now I know you both wanted me to rent
the new McBain movie.
Homer and Bart both nod their heads.
MARGE
But…
HOMER
I’ll be at Moe’s!
Homer throws the popcorn into Bart’s arms and runs out the front door.
MARGE
(Cont.) I had a coupon so I rented the entire series.
She pulls out a stack of video cassettes from her purse. Bart’s mouth opens with joy; he walks over to her.
BART
Mom, have I ever told you how much I love you.
MARGE
(Flattered)
Oh Bart…
BART
Because it doesn’t compare to my love for violent movies.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Moe stands behind his counter cleaning a glass amidst his line of regulars; consisting of Homer, Barney, Barfly 1, and of course Barfly 2.
MOE
Sorry guys, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave. I’m
closing early tonight.
BARNEY
Huh? Why?
MOE
I gotta date tonight and she’s comin' over to the bar.
BARNEY
You have a date?! With a woman?!
MOE
(Irritated)
Yes, with a woman. Is that so hard to believe? That I
could get a date? Now get the hell out!
BARNEY
(Groans) I guess its sobriety again for me.
Barney exits the tavern. Homer approaches Moe.
HOMER
So, who’s the dame Moe?
MOE
Her name’s Maurine, Moe for short. I met her on a website
dedicated exclusively to people with my name:
moepeople.com. But don’t confuse it for molepeople.com.
That’s a completely different kind of website.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Moleman sits in front of a computer.
MOLEMAN
She’s like a naked version of me.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Moe and Homer continue to converse.
MOE
Sorry to just kick you out like this Homer.
HOMER
That’s okay. At least I got to miss whatever lousy movie Marge rented.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Bart lies on the floor munching on popcorn in the room lit only by the glow of McBain number nine.
CUT TO:
INT. MCBAIN MOVIE – VILLIAN HIDEOUT – NIGHT
MCBAIN is squaring off against his nemesis DOCTOR DEADLY in his lair.
MCBAIN
You’ll never get away with this Doctor Deadly.
DR DEADLY
Oh, on the contrary McBain. You see, I hadn’t counted
on Jimmy’s confession in the courtroom, but what I had
counted on was the ongoing pursuit…
A light suddenly falls from above, crushing MaBain. Startled, Doctor Deadly puts his hand over his mouth.
The movie then cuts to a black screen with the text Directed by Dirk McAlister.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
All the drunks have left and Moe has set up candlelit atmosphere. He is dressed in his crummy grey suit and is nervously adjusting his bowtie. A knock at the door is heard.
MOE
Oh God, there she is. Ok, just take a deep breath, be calm,
and hope to God that the cheap deodorant actually works.
He takes the deep breath and opens the door for Maurine. She stands at the entrance in an enticing pink dress.
MAURINE
Hi Moe. It’s great to finally meet you.
They hug each other.
MOE
It’s great to meet you too Moe. You look great. That
picture you e-mailed me doesn’t do you justice.
MAURINE
That was a picture of the possum I found living in my
attic.
MOE
Then I guess you can see my expectations were very low.
Maurine giggles as she takes a tour of the bar.
MAURINE
Oh, this place is so great. I’ve always wanted to run my
own bar; ever since I was a little girl. I used to line my
dolls up in a row and serve them all apple juice.
MOE
Ha! I did the same thing. Only instead of dolls, I used
stray cats. And instead of apple juice, I used paint thinner.
MAURINE
Only I could never afford to own my own business.
Honestly, I’ve been having a pretty rough time lately.
MOE
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Maurine smiles slightly.
MAURINE
Oh, Moe. You got it all.
A hopeful grin comes across Moe’s face.
MOE
Huh, you know what, I never thought of it like that.
Maurine playfully hops behind the bar counter. She picks up a couple of bottles of alcohol.
MAURINE
What’ll you have? Whiskey? Everclear?
MOE
No, I don’t usually drink. Mostly because I know half the
stuff I sell is tainted.
MAURINE
Come on Moe. It’s a fifty-fifty shot.
Moe contemplates for a few seconds.
MOE
I’ll bet on that!
Maurine pours him a drink of something and he downs the whole glass. From Moe’s POV, everything becomes hazy.
FADE TO:
EXT. AN OFFSIDE FIELD – MORNING
Moe lays unconscious in a muddy ditch. The light from the rising sun shines on his thin, tattered body. He then wakes up and puts his hand on his forehead.
MOE
(Groans) My head. It feels like it’s caught in a vice…again.
I gotta get back to the bar.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Moe runs up and into the bar
MOE
What the…
Moe runs inside.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Moe slams open the door and feverishly scans the room. His whole tavern is slightly off kilter. It’s brighter, cleaner, and the mice are well hidden. Maurine stands behind the bar counter.
MOE
Maurine, what the hell happened to my bar?
MAURINE
Oh, I just dressed it up a little. And in the future, could
you please refer to it as my bar.
MOE
Your bar?
She passes him a handful of papers
MAURINE
Don’t you remember? Last night you signed the whole
building over to me.
Moe skims through the papers.
MAURINE
I guess you were too drunk to remember.
Moe looks up at her very disjointed.
MOE
Moe, I thought we had a special bond goin' on?
MAURINE
You thought wrong. I don't date losers. Now I’m going to half to ask you to
leave. You’re on the banned list.
On the wall is a group of pictures labeled “Moe’s Banned List”. Moe’s picture has been placed alongside those of Lenny, Principal Skinner, Gil, Nelson, Sober Barney, and Nelson with a fake moustache.
MOE
(Groans) I’ve been placed on my own list. Well the jokes on
you Sweetie! The only business I get is from my regulars
and they’d never betray me.
Homer enters the tavern and takes a seat on a bar stool.
HOMER
(To Maurine)
Hey Moe. Give me a Duff.
MOE
Homer!
HOMER
Oh, hey Moe. Give me a Duff.
END OF ACT 1
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ACT II
EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY
A depressed Moe sits on a sidewalk.
MOE
I can’t believe it. She took everything: my bar, my dignity, my pickled eggs. Not to mention I got no place to live now. I was sleepin’ on the pool table. (Sighs) Where am I gonna sleep? How am I gonna eat? I just don’t know what to do.
A zoom back reveals Moe is talking to a little girl selling lemonade.
GIRL
Do you want some lemonade or not?
MOE
(Grumbles) How much is it?
GIRL
Fifteen cents.
MOE
Screw You!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Bart sits alone on the couch watching television. The phone RINGS and as he’s accustomed to, Bart answers it.
BART
Hello.
MOE
(On the other end)
Hey, is Homer there.
BART
No. He said he was going to work but judging by the
number of playing card decks he had with him, I suspect
otherwise.
MOE
(Discouraged)
Oh.
BART
What did you want?
MOE
Oh, nothin'. I was just wonderin' if, you know, I could
sleep over.
BART
Well, okay. But you have to bring your own sleeping bag. I
don’t want to deal with another “Milhouse” incident.
MOE
Hey! I’m a grown man, okay! I known to bring my own bag!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN– DAY
Bart is leading Moe, with his suitcase and sleeping bag, out to the backyard. LISA sits at the kitchen table feeding MAGGIE some porridge. Moe stops when he sees them.
MOE
Hey Maggie, long time no see. How you been cutie?
Maggie sucks her pacifier.
MOE
(Laughs) That’s…that’s adorable.
LISA
Bart, why is Moe staying with us?
MOE
Well, I had a few problems over at the bar and, long story
short, all women are the spawn of Satan.
LISA
(Angered)
That statement is so glib and sexist – I’m not even going
to dignify it with a response.
Bart and Moe stand unflinching.
MOE
(To Maggie)
If you turn out like that, I’m breakin' off all contact.
CUT TO:
INT. BART’S TREE HOUSE
Moe drops his belongings onto the floor as Bart shows him around.
BART
You can stay up here. There’s some food stashed away in
that cupboard. And if you get bored, I’ve got some bottle
rockets aimed at Rod and Todd’s bedroom. Feel free to
light them.
MOE
Thanks. Hey, what’s that?
Moe points to a wall with a group of pictures labeled “Bart’s Banned List”. Moe’s picture is alongside those of Ralph, Martin, Nelson, Lisa, and Nelson with a fake moustache.
BART
I’ll just take that off.
Bart takes down Moe’s picture.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Homer chuckles as he enters wearing a new fur coat and smoking a cigar. Marge approaches him looking frustrated.
MARGE
Homer, did you tell Moe he could sleep in Bart’s tree
house?
HOMER
What makes you say that?
MARGE
Because Moe is sleeping in Bart’s tree house.
HOMER
(Pondering)
Makes sense.
CUT TO:
INT. BART’S TREE HOUSE
Moe sits in his sleeping bag when Homer enters the tree house.
HOMER
Hey Moe. I brought you up some comic books.
MOE
Thanks…I guess.
Homer drops the comic books on the floor.
HOMER
So, how long do you plan on staying up here?
MOE
It all depends really. I suppose when I find a job and get
back on my feet again. Hey maybe I can work with you
down at the laundry mat.
HOMER
Moe, I work at the nuclear power plant.
MOE
Really? Since when?
HOMER
Since the 80’s.
MOE
(Dumbfounded)
Huh, you learn something new everyday.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN
Marge stands with her arms crossed as Homer walks into the room and opens the refrigerator.
MARGE
Well?
HOMER
Well what? Oh, right. Moe. Just give him a few
days Marge. He’s going through a hard time right now.
MARGE
Homer, I just don’t…
HOMER
Just give him a chance to find a new job.
You’ll hardly even notice he’s here.
GUN SHOTS are heard in the background. Seen through the kitchen window, a group of birds fly out of the tree house with Moe coming up behind them.
MOE
And take your freakin’ eggs with you!
Moe throws a couple of blue eggs at the birds.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD – DAY
Bart stands below his tree house as Milhouse trots over to him.
BART
Hey Milhouse, guess what.
MILHOUSE
What?
BART
I caught a gremlin last night and he’s living inside my tree
house.
MILHOUSE
Don’t lie Bart. My Mom says that’s what causes head lice.
BART
If you don’t believe me go check for yourself.
Milhouse climbs up the ladder.
INT. TREE HOUSE
Milhouse pokes his head in and sees Moe crouching down in his tank top and boxers eating a bowl of cereal. Milhouse screams.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
Milhouse quickly climbs down the tree and runs off screaming. Bart laughs to himself but his laughter changes to disgust as he looks up at Moe eating.
BART
Eeewww.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Homer is sitting on the couch watching TV. Marge approaches him frustrated again.
MARGE
Homer, I thought you said Moe would only be staying with
us until he got a new job.
HOMER
That’s right Marge.
MARGE
Well, it’s been over a week and he hasn’t even left the
tree house. Plus he’s been cursing at everything that
moves. He threatened to kill Ned Flanders just because he
thought the new drapes he bought looked funny. Go talk
to him.
CUT TO:
INT. TREE HOUSE – DAY
Moe stands angrily in the corner as the SOUND of Homer coming up the ladder is heard.
MOE
Hey! I already told you! I don’t have your damn chew toy!
Homer enters the tree house. Moe’s anger resides.
MOE
Oh, it’s you Homer.
Moe drops the chew toy he’d been holding.
HOMER
Are you okay Moe?
MOE
I’m not going to lie to you Homer, I feel terrible.
HOMER
I thought you were going out to look for a job?
MOE
Oh, I was but I got so much goin' on right here. What
with your neighbor’s drapes and all. (Pause) Plus my feet
hurt.
HOMER
Hey, I thought you said you weren’t going to lie to me.
MOE
(Sighs) I’m sorry Homer. It’s just (Pause) runnin' that bar
was the only thing I was good at. Take that away
(Pause) and I got nothin'.
Moe begins to tear up. Homer looks sympathetically at him.
HOMER
That’s enough! We have to get you your bar back!
MOE
Homer, I can’t…
HOMER
I didn’t want to have to use this, but you’re the cause of
my alcoholism. So you owe it to yourself to go and get
your bar back so I can stay like this.
MOE
You’re right! First thing tomorrow, Moe is gonna show Moe
which Moe really owns Moe’s.
HOMER
Yeah! (Pause) You’re gonna do what now?
END OF ACT II
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ACT III
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN –DAY
Moe sits at the kitchen table writing on a notepad. Homer and Bart sit beside him.
MOE
The one thing I know for sure about my bar
is that if one more big robbery happens, the place will
be bankrupt. And I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – DAY
Maurine stands behind the counter as CARL enters the tavern. He walks over to the bar looking quite stoic, sits down, and has a drink.
A straight-faced LENNY then enters the tavern with a flower box in his hands. Carl looks over at Lenny and Lenny at Carl. Lenny then rips open the flower box to reveal a bouquet of flowers. Carl walks over to him.
CARL
Where’s the gun, you moron?
LENNY
What gun?
CARL
You really are stupid, you know that?
The SOUND of a shotgun cocking is heard. Maurine is pointing Moe’s shotgun at Lenny and Carl. They both back up slowly and out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN – DAY
Moe, Homer and Bart gather again at the kitchen table. Moe rips a piece of paper out of the notepad, crumples it up, and throws it aside.
MOE
So much for plan B.
BART
What happened to plan A?
MOE
There was no plan A.
HOMER
Well, how ‘bout we try my plan.
MOE
Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work.
Moe holds up a sketch of Homer’s plan. Homer has drawn Moe in a Superman costume holding his tavern up in the air and dumping out Maurine.
BART
I know what you can do. Annoy her out of their.
The Bart Simpson way!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM – DAY
Homer, Moe, and Bart stand together around the telephone. Bart picks it up and begins dialing.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN
Maurine serves a man a drink as the phone rings. She answers it.
MAURINE
Moe’s tavern.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
Bart has handed the phone off to Moe.
MOE
Yes, I’m looking for a Mr. Gayman, first name – Eneada.
MAURINE
I’m sorry, what was that name?
MOE
Mr. Gayman, first name – Eneada.
MAURINE
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. One more time.
MOE
(Aggravated)
Eneada Gayman okay? Just ask around.
Eneada Gayman and I need him on the phone right now…
INT. MOE’S TAVERN
Maurine has put the call on speaker phone and is holding the receiver up in the air. All the drunks are laughing.
MOE
(On speaker phone)
…or else I’m gonna go berserk over here.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
Bart and Homer are both laughing hysterically. Moe then catches on and hangs up the phone. Bart and Homer force themselves to stop.
MOE
It’s no use. She’s too smart. Oh God, what am I gonna do?
HOMER
You can always try suicide again.
Moe stares blankly at him.
MOE
(Dryly)
Thanks for your support Homer.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD – DAY
Moe climbs down Bart’s tree house for the last time. With his suitcase and sleeping bag in hand he begins to walk away.
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN
Marge is washing dishes while Lisa is drying them. Lisa notices Moe out the window and sees how sad he looks.
Lisa runs out of the Kitchen.
EXT. SIMPSON BACKYARD
As Moe is walking away Lisa, Homer and Bart run up to him.
HOMER
Moe, wait.
Moe stops walking as the Simpsons catch up with him.
MOE
What do you want – to laugh at me again?
LISA
Look, I originally wasn’t going to help you
because of what you said to me, but I just can’t
stand to see you so sad.
MOE
All I want is to steal my life back.
LISA
And that’s just what you’re going to do.
CUT TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
Maurine is serving someone a drink when a blonde, handsome MAN walks in. He sits down on a barstool.
MAN
(To Maurine)
Gee, I always thought this place was run by
some sort of gargoyle, but you’re gorgeous.
Maurine giggles.
MAURINE
Why, thank you. You’re about the handsomest
guy who’s said that today. How about a beer on the house?
Maurine hands him a glass and he takes a swig.
MAN
So, what are you doing later tonight?
MAURINE
I don’t know. What did you have in mind?
MAN
I was thinking you could close early so we could
get to know each other a little better.
Maurine giggles.
MAURINE
Sounds good.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. AN OFFSIDE FIELD – MORNING
Maurine now lays unconscious in the muddy ditch. She wakes up, puts her hand on her forehead, and gasps.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Maurine runs inside the tavern.
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – MORNING
Maurine bursts through the door. The blonde man, Moe, and Homer are waiting for her.
MAURINE
My bar.
MOE
You mean my bar.
Moe passes her a handful of papers.
MOE
Don’t you remember? Last night you signed the
whole bar back over to me, with a little help
from my friend Jerry. He’s an acting student.
JERRY (MAN)
I want to be an acting student.
MOE
I guess you were just too drunk to remember.
Maurine examines the papers.
MAURINE
These aren’t the proper forms.
This is just a work application for the Kwik-E-Mart.
Moe grabs the papers and scans through them.
MOE
Homer, you idiot! This isn’t the right form!
HOMER
Huh?
Homer digs through his pocket and pulls out some papers and hands them to Maurine.
HOMER
Oh, here you go.
MAURINE
How pathetic is this? You really are a loser Moe.
A POLICE SIREN is heard in the background.
MOE
Oh no, the cops!
Police Chief WIGGUM, EDDIE, and LOU enter the tavern.
WIGGUM
Alright Moe, You have the right to remain silent.
Moe closes his eyes.
MOE
(Sighs) I’m goin’ to jail again. Oh well. At least I
can see how big the rats have gotten.
Moe hears the handcuffs click, but not onto himself. The police are arresting Maurine.
MOE
Hey, what’s goin’ on?
WIGGUM
As it turns out, Maurine, AKA Moe, is wanted for
arson and triple homicide.
MAURINE
Up yours pig.
WIGGUM
(Offended)
Hey, I got nothing against you.
MOE
Hey, a wanted criminal doesn’t have the legal right to own
a business. That means the bar is mine again!
WIGGUM
That’s right.
LOU
Are you sure, chief?
WIGGUM
(Whispering)
Quiet, he gives good bribes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MOE’S TAVERN – NIGHT
The place has returned to its normal appearance. Homer, Barfly 1, and Barfly 2 sit on their barstools drinking their beers. Moe takes his picture off of the “Banned List”, crumples it up, and throws it aside. He walks back over to the bar.
Barney then softly opens the squeaky tavern door. He stands with a shy grimace on his face. Moe smiles.
MOE
Welcome back.
The theme music to Welcome Back, Kotter plays as Barney walks over to the bar and Moe serves him a drink.
FADE OUT:
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