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Alpha
11-18-2005, 07:43 PM
Hi. This is an idea for a TV show that I've been kicking around in my head for a while. I've finished the first act, and made an outline for the second and third. Some constructive criticism would be nice, but try to be gentle. Thanks. :)

JOHNNY DARK
PILOT - "The Spying Game"
ACT ONE


EXT. CITY STREETS; NIGHT

Establishing shot of a dark city resembling Los Angeles. Everything looks very supernatural, as though there’s a certain electricity in the air. Perhaps this scene is… a dream? A large crowd has gathered as the city mayor, an old man with a coat hanger still in his shirt, is giving a public speech.

MAYOR
In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

The crowd cheers. Suddenly, we cut to a view of the mayor as seen through the aiming sight of a sniper rifle. On a nearby rooftop, a sniper has the mayor directly in his sight.

SNIPER
Amazing. The very moment I pull this trigger, the town will fall to chaos. I feel so powerful. And how will I end this perfect night? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll order a pizza or something.

As the mayor walks into the sniper’s sight, he prepares to pull the trigger. Suddenly, the gun is knocked out of his hands and slides waaaay across the rooftop. He looks up in shock to see what happened and finds himself face to face with Johnny Dark, a tall man in a spy suit. His hair and uniform are as black as the night sky, and twice as stylish. A “JD” logo sits on his chest.

SNIPER (Startled)
Johnny Dark!

JOHNNY
Buddy, you picked a bad day to be the bad guy.

He thinks for a moment.

JOHNNY
Well, actually, I guess there really is no good day to be the bad guy, but you picked an especially bad one.

A fight ensues. Eventually, Johnny overpowers the sniper, knocking him to the ground. As he scrambles to his feet, he is stopped when Johnny turns on him with his own weapon. That was cool.

SNIPER
Curses! Foiled again!

Their struggle has attracted the attention of the crowd below. They cheer. After a moment, their applause morphs into the buzzing of an alarm clock. We fade to:

INT. JOHNNY’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM

As we fade out of this little dream sequence, we see Johnny asleep at a cluttered desk inside a messy apartment, looking much less dynamic than he did in his dream. He must have fallen asleep studying the night before. He stirs awake and shuts off his alarm, then notices the papers and books in front of him and reacts in panic.

JOHNNY
Holy snap! I’m going to be late for class!

He jumps up from the desk and begins frantically shoveling materials into his backpack. A narrator fills the audience in on what’s happening.

NARRATOR
Meet Johnny. A college student, just like many of you. But while you may go to school to learn Algebra, Literature, or some other garbage, Johnny attends a special school. Because at Johnny’s school, students are instructed in the fine art of becoming secret agents.

As the narrator speaks, we see Johnny stuff his backpack with books such as “Serious Spying”, “Basic Spying” and “Spying for Dummies”.

EXT. CITY STREETS; SOON

We see Johnny’s car rolling down a busy street. The narration continues.

NARRATOR
Johnny attends a secret service agency known as The Stormers, named after its founder, veteran agent Kane Storm. Johnny is one of the many agents-in-training.

EXT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS

Johnny drives up in his car and parks in the parking lot, section 007. A sign out front reads “Secret Service Building. Please Look Away”.

INT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS, AGENTS-IN-TRAINING WING

The agents-in-training wing of the building is made up of many hallways. All the would-be spies are talking amongst themselves. In many ways, it looks kind of like an average school hallway. Two students, Bob and Jake, are talking to each other. They spot Johnny walking down the hall.

JAKE (Derisive)
Heeeeere’s Johnny.

BOB
He’s such a dork. Let’s ignore him so he knows how much his geekery offends us.

As Johnny walks up to his locker, Jake and Bob turn their backs to him and giggle. Across the hall, the sound of little footsteps running is heard. Tommy, a small blonde haired child, is rushing down the hall. He runs up to Johnny, who is slightly startled by his sudden appearance.

TOMMY
Hi, Johnny!

JOHNNY
Oh. Hey, Tommy.

As Johnny puts the last of his books in his locker, we hear the narrator once again.

NARRATOR
Tommy Storm is the grandson of Kane Storm. He has been living in the care of his grandfather ever since his father Jason Storm was killed at the hand of Coldfinger, the supervillain whose touch turns you to solid ice. He attends a special course in the academy where the young offspring of The Stormers operatives are instructed on becoming secret agents in an elementary school setting.

The narrator shuts up, and the scene continues.

TOMMY
Are you ready for the assigning today?

JOHNNY
Kind of. I’m a little worried that I might get a lousy mission.

TOMMY
Wow. The younger agents still have a few days before our assigning. And I’d really hate to get partnered up with some loser, like Joey.

Tommy points across the room to Joey, a schizophrenic boy with a “Pass Gas” t-shirt. He is talking to a stuffed rabbit.

JOEY
But Mr. Bunny, setting people on fire is wrong. The very soul of my toenails would weep with shame!

Johnny and Tommy stare at the bizarre child. A bell is heard, and a voice comes over the building‘s intercom.

VOICE (Over intercom)
Attention, operatives. All older agents are to report to the upper building immediately for the assigning. As for the younger agents, we have naptime in five minutes. And remember: enemies are everywhere, so sleep with your eyes open. That is all.

The message ends, and the hall is flooded with people making their way to the upper building.

TOMMY (Yelling through the crowd)
See you later, Johnny! Good luck!

EXT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS, UPPER BUILDING

A huge mass of agents-in-training are trying desperately to squeeze in through the doors. Some of them resort to crawling through the windows.

INT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS, UPPER BUILDING

The room is packed with operatives awaiting news of their various missions. Some of them are sitting in seats. Some of them have to stand. Some of them even have to stand on the people in seats. Johnny is in the back of the room, looking very claustrophobic. Suddenly, the lights go out, and the room falls silent. Dan Namec, a brown haired man in a button-down shirt and tie, takes the stage.

DAN
Greetings. My name is Dan Namec, and I’m the vice-president of this academy. But sadly, not the vice president of the country.

He pauses so everyone can laugh at his little joke, but nobody does. He clears his throat and continues.

DAN
Anyhow, I’m going to start this off by reading the list of how each of you agents will be paired. After this, each pair will report to the office of Kane Storm to receive the details of your mission. Now sit back and listen as I read these names in the most boring way possible.

The agents groan.

DAN (Reading from a list)
First pair: Agent Chan and Agent Thompson… Second pair: Agent Kiddo and Agent Foster… Third pair: Agent Thomas and Agent Brooke…

We fade to hours later. Johnny has fallen asleep.

DAN (Still reading names)
Four-Hundred and Ninety-Eighth pair: Agent Kat and Agent Johnny…

The sudden mention of his name wakes Johnny up. He looks around, startled. From across the room, he sees agent Kat, a female agent with brown hair. He also sees that they were apparently the last group called.

DAN
And so, for those of you still in the room - all two of you - please be sure to close the door on your way out. Thank you, and goodnight.

INT. KANE’S OFFICE

In a neatly decorated office, we see the agency’s founder, Kane Storm, an old gray haired man sitting at his desk. He is playing with an action figure when a knock at the door is heard. He quickly stuffs the toy inside his desk.

KANE
Come in.

Johnny enters the office, followed by Kat.

JOHNNY (Nervous)
Um, hello, sir.

KANE
Oh, hello there. You must be Johnny and Kat. I’ll have your assignment in a moment. Just let me check your files.

He pulls out a folder from his desk and skims through it. From the look on his face, there’s no good news in it.

JOHNNY
So, do you have anything for us?

KANE
Well… yes. In fact, it’s a very special mission, specifically designed for agents of your, um, caliber.

Johnny looks excited. Kat looks concerned.

KANE
It’s a very difficult mission! There’s a rogue agent on the loose, and only by scouring the area will you be able to locate this scoundrel.

JOHNNY
Don’t worry! We can find him!

INT. LIBRARY; LATER

JOHNNY
Geez, Kat. I don’t think we can find him.

Johnny and Kat have been given a “Where’s Waldo?” book. As Kat sits across the room, Johnny scours the pages, desperately trying to locate Waldo.

JOHNNY
Hey, there he is!

Pause.

JOHNNY
Wait. That’s not him.

KAT (Annoyed)
You just don’t get it, do you?

JOHNNY
What do you mean?

KAT
This isn’t a real mission! Dr. Storm is just putting us here so we won’t get in the way of the other agents.

JOHNNY
Oh, come on. He wouldn’t do that.

Kat sighs.

KAT
You’re too trusting, you know that?

JOHNNY
Thanks.

KAT
It wasn’t a compliment.

Johnny looks disappointed.

KAT
And by the way, Waldo’s behind the red car.

Johnny looks closer.

JOHNNY
Hey, you’re right! Let’s tell Dr. Storm right now so we can get the credit we deserve!

Johnny rushes from the room. Kat rolls her eyes.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE KANE’S OFFICE

The hallway is completely dark. A light from Kane’s office leaks through the partially open door. As Johnny walks up with the book in hand, he hears a conversation inside.

DAN (Inside office)
Yes, I know, it’s a very unfortunate mistake.

Interested, Johnny stops and listens to the conversation from outside. The camera pans through the doorway to:

INT. KANE’S OFFICE

Kane and Dan are discussing something.

DAN
It seems that, in all our effort to send our lower ranking agents on pointless missions, we failed to assign anyone to investigate the suspected plot on Ailis Island.

KANE
But where are we going to find such a brave agent this late in the process? And I hope you realize that this is a mission very dear to me.

DAN
Why is that, sir?

Kane sighs, broken hearted.

KANE
It’s suspected that this plot may in some way involve Coldfinger, the murderous man who took the life of my son, Jason.

He gives a forlorn look over to a framed portrait of Jason on the wall.

KANE
I can’t believe it’s been over three months since he was taken. It’s my absolute top priority that this cold-blooded, cold-fingered killer be brought to justice.

DAN
I understand, sir. I’ll put our best man on it.

KANE
Whoa, settle down now. Let’s not go overboard. There’s no need to put our BEST man on it.

DAN
I don’t understand. Why not?

KANE
Well, the way I see it, bringing a man like Coldfinger to justice is a bit of a suicide mission. If we’re going to send somebody to take him on, he needs to be well trained, but expendable. It’s like… we need someone strong enough to take a bullet, but worthless enough to push in front of it.

DAN
But where are we going to find a man who’s willing to reduce himself to the rank of a mere pawn and risk almost certain death just for a shot at a little respect?

JOHNNY (Off-screen)
I’ll do it! Gladly!

Johnny steps into the office.

KANE (Surprised)
Agent Johnny? How did you get in here?

JOHNNY
The door.

KANE
The door? Outrageous!

JOHNNY
Uh huh. So, about that mission you were talking about? Just to be clear, I have no objection to being a pawn on your chess set. In fact, on some chess sets, the pawns are shaped like Sean from Wallace & Gromit. How cool is that?

KANE
Not very. But if you’re willing to accept this mission… I will allow it.

JOHNNY
All right! I promise, I won’t let you down.

KANE
Yes you will. But good luck anyway. (to Dan) Go check the back room to see if there are any more Stormers uniforms. (to Johnny) What size do you take?

JOHNNY
I’m a medium and proud of it. But do you have any uniforms in black or something? I never liked that navy blue very much.

DAN (Sternly)
No. You’re going to wear the blue and like it.

Johnny pouts. We fade to:

EXT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS; LATER THAT NIGHT

Establishing shot of the building.

INT. KANE’S OFFICE

Kane is working at his computer. Onscreen, we see a holographic interface of what seems to be a monorail. Dan enters.

DAN
I sent agents Johnny and Kat on their missions, sir.

KANE
Good work. I’ve almost finished programming the new Stormers monorail system. Who would have guessed that building a transport system for a secret service agency would be so hard?

DAN
I suppose. But it will all be worth it tomorrow when the agents can finally travel to our new underground laboratories.

KANE
True. So, what hunk-of-junk transportation vessel have you sent Johnny and Kat on their mission in?

DAN
I sent them in the SpyPod, sir.

KANE
The SpyPod? I didn’t even know that those were still operational.

DAN
Kind of. They run on an alternative power source.

EXT. THE OCEAN; MEANWHILE

Johnny and Kat are hovering across the ocean in a SpyPod, a transportation vehicle that resembles a very junky-looking science fiction thingy. Apparently, the “alternative power source” that it runs on involves the pilots pumping bicycle pedals as they ride. Although both sides of the car are equipped with these, it looks like Kat is the only one who’s actually pedaling. They are both dressed in navy blue uniforms with an “S” logo on them.

KAT (Exhausted)
So… tired…

JOHNNY (Annoyed)
Yeah, yeah. I know. You don’t have to keep whining about it. Geez, you’re like a female Hilary Clinton.

EXT. AILIS ISLAND; SOON

Establishing shot of a tropical but dangerous looking island. The SpyPod flies in and lands on the shore. Johnny jumps out, ready for action. Kat collapses on the dashboard in exhaustion.

JOHNNY
Come on, hurry up! We’ve got to track down Coldfinger. It’s not like he’s just going to walk up and introduce himself. Although, if he does, that would be very convenient.

KAT
You go ahead… I’m going to stay here for a minute and catch my breath…

JOHNNY
Fine. (mutters) Lazy.

He begins to walk away. We fade to:

EXT. AILIS ISLAND, FOREST

Johnny is searching through the forest, humming to himself.

JOHNNY (Humming to the tune of “Goldfinger”)
Coldfinger… his is a heart that’s made of ice. He’s really not that nice…

A sound is heard. Johnny jumps back.

JOHNNY (Startled)
Who’s there? Who are you?

VOICE (In the distance)
It’s time for you to DIE!

Pause.

JOHNNY
Grandma?

Suddenly, a dart is shot into Johnny’s neck. He quickly yanks it out, but then begins to feel dizzy.

JOHNNY (Losing consciousness)
Oh… snap.

He collapses. The dark shadow of a man looms over him.


END ACT ONE

Semaj
11-19-2005, 08:54 PM
I don't know if you're shooting for the kids market or the adults market, but that's very good. :thumbsup

Gatorgod
11-19-2005, 10:47 PM
Throw in a Court room scene and its a Keeper! :aww:

manashima
11-20-2005, 08:50 PM
This show is aimed at 16+ right, cause I can definately see this show as the next adultswim show right?

By the way, Johnny is a very funny character, i dont know kat yet, but she's stale so far...Good Job though! :D

mad_hair60
11-21-2005, 07:03 AM
Very good.

homer5000
11-21-2005, 04:23 PM
Really good! I would love to see Act Two. Though I really don't get the target. Throw out the Hilary Clinton joke and the entire thing is suitable for Nickelodeon broadcast. I hate to say it, but toss in a few swears and a few more mature jokes to get the point across that this is a show for adults. I know, swears and sex jokes don't make a good TV show, but a few might get the point across more...

Alpha
11-21-2005, 05:27 PM
Wow! Thanks a lot guys. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback. :D

Act 2 is coming soon. Your comments have really inspired me.

Paul
11-21-2005, 06:47 PM
Excellent work Alpha! I've loved your previous work but you've really outdone yourself this time. Keep it up.

Alpha
11-30-2005, 02:05 PM
Thanks, Paul. :) Here's the next act. Hope you guys enjoy it.


ACT TWO


EXT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS; THE NEXT MORNING

The brand new Stormer monorail system is docked outside the building. Kane and Dan are standing onstage before all the Stormers to christen the new transit system. A banner hanging above them reads “Our ‘Rail Won’t Fail”.

KANE
And so, it is with great pride that I present the future in secret agent transportation. This monorail rides on a direct course to our new underground research facilities, where each and every new agent of the Stormers will be equipped with any materials needed for their various missions.

DAN
That’s right. And you in the crowd today are going to have the honor of being the first agents in this academy to use it. Does anybody have any questions?

ARNOLD (In crowd)
Well, somebody keeps poking me with a pen or something and it really hurts.

KANE
That’s not really a question. But, um, good luck with that.

Tommy rushes onstage. Kane is surprised by his sudden appearance.

TOMMY
Hi, grandpa!

KANE
Oh. Hello, Tommy. Shouldn’t you be in class?

TOMMY
I wanted to see if Johnny was back from his mission yet. Is he?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the SpyPod crashes from the sky.

KANE
Looks like it.

The SpyPod’s hatch opens. However, it isn’t Johnny or Kat at the controls, it’s a character we haven’t met yet. A tall, skinny man with slicked back blonde hair. He stumbles out of the ship and collapses.

DAN
Who is that?

KANE (Amazed)
… Xeric? Is that you?

Kane rushes to help the man (Xeric) to his feet.

DAN
Who is this, Kane?

XERIC
My name’s Xeric. Xeric Slater.

KANE
He’s a former Stormers operative. “Former Stormer” Hey, that rhymes. But Xeric, I haven’t seen you in years!

XERIC
I’ve been held prisoner in Coldfinger’s base. I escaped when I found this vehicle on the Ailis Island shoreline.

KANE
But I sent agents Johnny and Kat in that Pod. Where are they?

TOMMY (Concerned)
You don’t think they’re hurt, do you?

XERIC (In a sympathetic tone)
Oh, no. I’m sure they’re not hurt… They’re probably just dead.

KANE
Oh, what have I done?

XERIC
What do you mean “What have you done”? Your indifference has sent two innocent agents to an early grave.

Kane scowls at him.

XERIC
Sorry. I thought you were asking me.

TOMMY (Devastated)
Grandpa…

He runs off in tears. We fade to:

EXT. COLDFINGER’S BASE; MEANWHILE

Establishing shot of Coldfinger’s laboratory.

INT. COLDFINGER’S BASE, LOWER CHAMBERS

An unconscious Johnny is chained to the wall of a dungeon. He stirs awake, then notices his surroundings and reacts in panic.

JOHNNY
Where am I?

KAT (Off screen)
Coldfinger’s base.

He sees Kat next to him.

JOHNNY
They got you too?

KAT
Yeah. I was too exhausted to put up a fight.

Johnny sighs.

JOHNNY
This seriously has to be one of the worst Saturdays of my life.

Suddenly, the door opens and the dark shadow of a man from earlier looms over them. The camera then pans back, revealing that the shadow is actually being cast by a short nerdy man named Tech.

JOHNNY
(Gasps) It’s Coldfinger!

TECH
I’m not Coldfinger.

JOHNNY
(Gasps) It’s not Coldfinger!

KAT
Who are you?

TECH
I’m Tech, Coldfinger’s technology expert. I built this laboratory. But right now, I have a more important mission: to make you suffer!

KAT
But you’re, like, four feet tall. What are you going to do?

Tech removes two pieces of Styrofoam from his pocket and holds them out menacingly.

KAT
You wouldn’t…

He rubs the Styrofoam pieces together, creating a horrible screeching noise. Johnny and Kat writhe in discomfort as the sound intensifies.

INT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS, KANE’S OFFICE; MEANWHILE

Kane is slumped over his desk in a fit of depression. Dan is trying to comfort him.

KANE
Now my grandson has lost two of his role models to that Coldfinger. And this time, it was all my fault.

He opens a drawer in his desk.

KANE
I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but it looks like I’m going to have to turn to the bottle for strength.

He pulls out a bottle of chocolate syrup and begins to chug it.

DAN
Whoa. Easy there, sir. That’s the hard stuff. Dark chocolate.

KANE (Intoxicated somehow)
Oh, shut up! I’m so sick you always whining about… stuff! Get out my office!

He hurls the bottle at Dan’s head. But since it is made of plastic, it simply bounces off. Dan backs slowly out the door. Kane pulls another bottle of chocolate from his desk and begins to drink it. He turns back to the picture of Jason on his wall.

KANE
Jason. If you were alive today… you’d be so ashamed of me.

INT. COLDFINGER’S BASE, LOWER CHAMBERS; LATER

Johnny and Kat are still being tormented with squeaky noises. Suddenly, it ends. Tech checks his watch.

TECH
Well, it’s time for my shows now. But as soon as I’m done watching TV, I’ll be back! Even sooner if it’s a rerun!

JOHNNY (Cheerful)
See you then.

Tech leaves. Kat lets out a sigh.

KAT
That was unbearable.

JOHNNY
You took it well though.

KAT
Thanks! You too.

JOHNNY
Yeah. You were like Kimberly, the pink Power Ranger.

KAT
That’s a weird coincidence. My real name is Kimberly. Kimberly Ann Thompson, but everyone calls me “KAT”.

JOHNNY
Cool! I wish my initials spelled something.

KAT
Yeah… You know, we should probably be thinking of a way to escape from these chains.

JOHNNY
What? Oh, I figured that out hours ago.

Johnny simply gives the chains a tug and they shatter like cheap furniture. Kat looks amazed.

KAT
Johnny, that’s great! How did you know the chains were so poorly made?

JOHNNY
Well, duh. Read the label. “Made in Korea”

KAT
Alright then. Now all we need is an escape plan.

She glances around the room, and spots a drainage vent.

KAT
Maybe we can swim out through there.

JOHNNY
I doubt it. (joking) You’d probably have to hold your breath for a while, and I can’t imagine you keeping your mouth shut for that long.

She smiles.

JOHNNY
Hey, I know! Maybe we can tunnel out!

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some plastic sporks.

KAT
Now that’s just stupid. But it’s the best idea we have, so okay. Let’s try it.

INT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS, TOMMY‘S CLASSROOM; MEANWHILE

In a classroom, Tommy sits at a table with a look of depression on his face as his classmates are playing games behind him. His teacher, Mrs. Kweer, is sitting at her desk grading papers. Joey walks up, and begins talking to Mr. Bunny.

JOEY
Hey, Mr. Bunny, what’s Tommy so sad about? Did he not want those guys to die?

He pauses for Bunny’s response.

JOEY (Outraged)
What?? Bunny, You son of a gun! You can’t talk about my momma like that! I hate you! Will you marry me?

Joey walks off screen. A bell is heard, and a voice comes over the building’s intercom.

VOICE
Attention, Stormers. Just a reminder: a ceremony will be held tonight to honor the memory of our recently deceased agents Johnny and Kat. We request that you come dressed in funeral attire, available at your nearest Hot Topic. That is all.

INT. COLDFINGER’S BASE, LOWER CHAMBERS; SOON

Johnny and Kat have managed to dig a small hole in the floor.

KAT
Well, so far, so good. Which way should we start tunneling? Left?

JOHNNY
Right.

KAT
Right?

JOHNNY
No, left is right.

KAT
So right is wrong?

A moment of confused silence passes.

JOHNNY
I think so.

As they continue to dig, they unexpectedly unearth an underground pipe.

KAT
What is that?

JOHNNY
I don’t know. It looks dangerous… let’s smash it open!

KAT
Johnny, no!

Before she can stop him, Johnny stomps his foot onto the pipe, breaking it. A flash of light illuminates the room. We cut to:

INT. COLDFINGER’S BASE, LOUNGE; MEANWHILE

In a break room on the other side of the base, Tech is enjoying a cup of coffee and watching cartoons. An explosion is heard down the hall. He grumbles.

TECH (Yelling down the hall)
Hey, prisoners! Keep it down in there! Some people are trying to watch SpongeBob!

He turns back to the show. A wall of flames appear behind the door, but he doesn’t notice.

EXT. STORMERS HEADQUARTERS; LATER

A funeral is being held in honor of Johnny and Kat. Various agents are tearfully paying their last respects.

JAKE
They were my favorite dorks.

ARNOLD
They were too young to die!

JOEY
They were not diapers. Bunny, you’ve deceived me again!

At the front of the room, Kane is watching with an even more grieving face than his agents as Tommy is heartbroken. To ease the pain, Kane pulls a bottle of chocolate syrup wrapped in a brown bag from his coat pocket and takes a drink. Xeric comforts him.

XERIC
There, there, Kane. They’re in a better place now.

KANE
Huh? I thought they were dead.

XERIC
Well, yes. They are. You sent them to their doom, remember? Oh well. Ashes to ashes, I suppose. Can I have some change for the vending machine?

Kane hands him some quarters.

EXT. COLDFINGER’S BASE; MEANWHILE

As night falls on Ailis Island, we see the chaotic state of Coldfinger’s base. Suddenly, the front door flies open and Kat rushes out, struggling to catch her breath. Johnny follows after her.

JOHNNY (Panting)
Kat…. Are you okay?

KAT
I think so.

Suddenly, a loud noise is heard inside the base. Johnny and Kat turn to see what it was, and see Tech rushing toward them.

TECH (Angry)
Fools! What have you done?!

JOHNNY
Dang. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.

TECH
Xeric is not going to be happy about this.

KAT (Confused)
Xeric?

TECH
Yes, Xeric. It’s Coldfinger’s real name.

A dramatic tone plays.

JOHNNY (Amazed)
What?? You mean to tell me that Xeric was Coldfinger all along?? Outrageous!

Pause.

JOHNNY
Wait… who’s Xeric?

TECH
Xeric Slater. He’s a former Stormers operative. “Former Stormer” Hey, that rhymes. When he was kicked out of the agency for illegal use of snack money, he vowed revenge on the Storm family. Thus, Coldfinger was born. I don’t know why he went so far. Maybe he’s a little insane. Either way, he’s already killed off Jason Storm, and he has nasty plans for Kane Storm and Tommy Storm. He’s recently infiltrated their base. Nobody knows that he’s Coldfinger, so there’s a chance that he’s won over their trust.

JOHNNY (Concerned)
Well, what’s his plan?

TECH
He told it to me earlier, but I wasn’t really listening. Something about sabotaging a monorail and turning it into a deathtrap.

JOHNNY
Oh man! My dog did that once… Well, not really.

KAT
We’ve got to do something! Do you have a backup ship we can travel back to the Stormers base in?

TECH
Give me one good reason why I should help you.

JOHNNY
We’re bigger than you.

Pause.

TECH
Okay. I’ll help. But I won’t be happy about it!

JOHNNY
Good enough. Now, let’s hurry! Before it’s too late!

They rush off to Coldfinger’s backup lab. We fade to:

EXT. STORMERS BASE; LATER THAT NIGHT

Xeric is sabotaging the monorail. He takes a look at his blueprints. It shows a map of the town with the monorail’s course outlined. However, it also shows a point where he has it set to go off the track and crash into a place labeled “Rusty Metal Pit”. An evil grin comes across his face. He exits and we fade to:

EXT. AILIS ISLAND; SOON

Xeric’s backup ship rises into the sky.

INT. XERIC’S SHIP

Tech is sitting at the controls. Johnny and Kat are sitting in the seats behind him.

KAT (Impressed)
Wow. This ship is amazing.

TECH (Proud)
Well, of course it is. I created it.

Johnny is looking around at all the ship’s various gadgets.

JOHNNY
Hey, what’s this thing? I’ve never seen one of these before.

TECH
It’s an airbag.

JOHNNY
Cool! Now nobody has to bang their head on the dashboard! Brilliant!

EXT. SKY

The ship sails off into the distance, destined for town. We fade to:

EXT. CITY STREETS; MEANWHILE

Xeric walks down the dark streets, singing to himself.

XERIC (Singing to the tune of “Itsy Bitsy Spider”)
The itsy bitsy spy dorks climbed on the monorail. When it went all haywire, the fools were soon impaled!

He disappears into the night, cackling like a demon. From across the street, he is spotted by a random child and his father.

CHILD
Ooh, daddy! Is that man going to kill somebody?

FATHER
Why, yes, son. I believe he is.

Pause.

CHILD
I think my arm is broken.

FATHER
Okay.


END ACT TWO (Final act coming soon)

Paul
11-30-2005, 02:12 PM
That was even funnier than your last entry. :D I can't wait for the third act.

homer5000
11-30-2005, 03:00 PM
So, just to make this clear: you are going for a family-friendly angle? Because it's hilarious, but most of is, well, clean.

I'd say it's a perfect fit for ABC, but I'm going to still say this: If you're aiming for Adult Swim, you're gonna, well, have to "adult" it up a little.

Other than that, this is fantastic, keep going...

Alpha
11-30-2005, 03:10 PM
Thanks, guys. Your feedback means a lot to me. :)

And homer5000, this is intended as a PG show which deals with mature/dark themes but is still fairly okay for kids. And I never said I was aiming for Adult Swim, although that could be a good place for it. It would probably air early in the lineup, though (probably around the spot that Home Movies had in its early days on the network), since, as you said, it's more family-friendly that most of the stuff they show.

Anyway, yeah. Third act coming soon. And then I'm going to start posting the episode ideas for the series (I have the first five done already).

TriforceBun
11-30-2005, 08:15 PM
Don't feel the need to alter your work to fit a demographic. True, to some extent it's necessary if the idea is TOO out-there, but this seems like it'd be fine for most networks you're aiming at. Since I have similar "tones" in stuff I've done (no swearing, but some deep themes and darker moments), I say stick with what you know and keep writing.

EDIT: Finally read it all, it's very well-done. The style of the gags reminds me of Fairly Oddparents, and I mean that as a compliment.

Wavy Gravy
12-01-2005, 06:08 AM
Alpha, you are a funny, funny man. It's clear you've been inspired by Jhonen Vasquez and Craig McCracken, two of the funniest cartoonists in the business. Can't wait to see the rest of this!

P.S. Ever thought about writing the script for an episode of "Pokémon: Intensity"? I've been working on some new episodes for another forum, and I've always kinda wondered how you'd interpret one of my episode ideas. Feel free to PM me if you've got the time and the interest.

StarskyMaxwell
12-02-2005, 11:11 AM
Hilariously wonderful. Alpha, you rock.

ppoi307
12-02-2005, 02:41 PM
great job

Alpha
06-16-2006, 11:56 AM
BIG BUMP

After a huge break, I've finally found some time to work on this. Here's the final act. It's a little shorter than the first two, but it contains an action scene which will be much longer in episode than in script so it evens out. Hope you enjoy!

ACT THREE


EXT. CITY; MORNING

As the sun rises on the city, Xeric’s ship sails across the sky.

INT. XERIC’S SHIP

Tech sits at the controls while Johnny and Kat attempt talk to him.

JOHNNY
I don’t understand. Why does Xeric still want revenge over something that happened so long ago?

TECH
Villains never forget these things. They hold lifelong grudges, just like women.

KAT (Offended)
Hey! That is such a stereotype. I can’t believe you think women hold grudges like that. You’re just like that girl who called me fat in kindergarten. Geez, I’ll always hate her.

An awkward moment of silence passes.

JOHNNY
Did you go to kindergarten at the Stormers academy, Kat?

KAT
Yeah. Did you?

JOHNNY
No, I went to public school.

KAT (Dryly)
Big surprise.

EXT. STORMERS ACADEMY; MEANWHILE

INT. MRS. KWEER’S CLASS

Tommy and all the other students are seated at their desks. Mrs. Kweer enters.

KWEER
Good morning, class.

KIDS (In unison)
Good morning, Mrs. Kweer.

Mrs. Kweer walks up to the blackboard.

KWEER
Alright, class. Today we’re going to learn some algebra.

The kids groan as Mrs. Kweer begins to write on the board. Except for Tommy. His mind is racing with too many worries over Johnny and Kat. Mrs. Kweer continues the lesson.

KWEER
So you see, we simply divide the number 18 into the value of RU, giving us the simplified expression, “RU over 18”…

Before she can continue, the intercom in her room buzzes and the voice from earlier in the episode is heard.

VOICE
Mrs. Kweer, can you please send Tommy to the monorail port for the maiden voyage?

Tommy stands up and begins to leave.

VOICE
Because, you know, we’ve kind of been waiting for a while for him to get there…

KWEER
Well, he’s coming! Keep your pants on.

Pause.

VOICE
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken off my pants.

EXT. MONORAIL STATION; MEANWHILE

The Stormers are packed into the monorail’s seats. Kane and Dan stand outside, waiting for Tommy. They are talking.

DAN
So… you really think we can trust that Xeric guy?

KANE
I don’t know. Years back, I trusted Xeric like a brother, but he betrayed me like a sister.

DAN
Well, I think you made the right move when you didn’t invite him on the monorail today.

KANE
Yeah.

Tommy is seen running up from the distance.

KANE
Ah, here he is. Now we can get started.

CUT TO:

INT. MONORAIL; MOMENTS LATER

The Stormers are packed into their seats. Dan’s voice comes over the intercom.

DAN (On intercom)
Alright, agents. Welcome to the first ever journey of the new monorail system. Please sit back and enjoy the ride. (Repeating in Spanish) El que no lo hace es un tonto.

EXT. MONORAIL STATION

The monorail takes off from its port and begins sailing down the tracks. In the cockpit, we can see Kane, Dan and Tommy at the helm. The vessel disappears into the distance.

INT. XERIC’S SHIP; NEARBY

From a distance, Johnny spots the monorail leaving the port.

JOHNNY
Oh no! We’re too late!

KAT
Tech, can we catch them? Maybe if we can pull up next to them, we can stop them before they crash.

TECH
No! Xeric will see us.

JOHNNY
Don’t worry. There’s no chance of that.

TECH
What makes you so sure?

JOHNNY
He already sees us.

Down on the ground, we see that Xeric has spotted them, and is apparently furious.

KAT (Terrified)
Oh… snap.

INT. MONORAIL; MEANWHILE

Kane pilots the monorail down the track. Dan and Tommy sit in the co-pilot seats.

KANE (Satisfied)
Ah, I’d say this thing runs rather nicely. Some nice engineering if I do say so myself.

DAN
It is nice. But what exactly is this loose part here?

We see that a piece of the dashboard is ripped out, apparently by Xeric.

KANE
I don’t know. Why don’t you rip it out?

DAN
Is that safe?

KANE
As far as I know.

Dan hesitates for a moment, then rips the piece loose. A brief moment of silence follows. Suddenly, the whole monorail begins to shake violently. Emergency lights flash. A red light reads “Brakes Out”.

KANE (Panicking)
Dan, what have you done?

EXT. CITY

The monorail begins to speed out of control. Tech is piloting Xeric’s ship in a desperate attempt to catch them.

This begins an extended action scene which will be written loosely. In it, Xeric activates a pair of hover boots and grabs hold of his ship, pounding on the side. Tech continues to pilot bravely, eventually reaching the monorail. Kat climbs into the cockpit to reassure the passengers as a fight ensues between Xeric and Johnny. Tech begins to try and use the weight of Xeric’s ship to slow the monorail’s speed. Eventually, he manages to do so and the monorail stops, putting an end to this very hard-to-animate sequence.

As the monorail skids to a stop, Xeric is thrown from the back of his ship, but is saved by the hover boots before he hits the ground. Seeing the Stormers climbing from the monorail, he knows that he’s outnumbered.

XERIC
Curses! You Stormers may have won the war, but you haven’t won the, um… war! I’ll be back, and stronger that ever! You’ll see!

A tear begins to form in his eye.

XERIC (Breaking up)
I hate you!

He flies off into the distance like a child running home to his mother. The Stormers look relieved to be safe, and just as relieved to see that Johnny and Kat are still alive. Tommy hugs them.

TOMMY
Johnny, you’re alive!

KAT
Hey, what about me?

JOHNNY (Confused)
What about you?

Kat glares at him.

JOHNNY
No, really. I wasn’t paying attention.

Kane walks up and shakes his hand.

KANE
Johnny, Kat, I’m so glad to see that you’re alive!

KAT
So are we.

JOHNNY
Yeah. And believe us when we say that we’ve learned something from this experience! From now on, we’re going to work harder and become better agents! We’re not going to be the worst students anymore! Mark my words.

Cut to:

INT. JOHNNY’S APARTMENT; THE NEXT DAY

Johnny is sitting on his couch, watching TV. His homework hasn’t been finished, but he pays no mind to it. He hasn’t really learned a lesson, has he?


END EPISODE

StarskyMaxwell
06-17-2006, 05:17 AM
Fantastic work. Here's hoping you write more of it one of these days.

homer5000
06-17-2006, 11:38 AM
Terrific ending, however belated as it may be. So, last question: Are you aiming to have the series be a Kim Possible-esque affair, with every week a new villain? Or will there be some episodes with out a big mission, just a simple sitcom plot involving the already established characters? Just a thought...

Alpha
06-17-2006, 12:05 PM
Thanks, guys. :D
Are you aiming to have the series be a Kim Possible-esque affair, with every week a new villain? Or will there be some episodes with out a big mission, just a simple sitcom plot involving the already established characters? Just a thought...The latter. I've already written synopsis for the first few episodes, which I will post soon.

Sniper Squirrel
06-20-2006, 02:56 PM
I think you may have something, but if you are trying to go family friendly you may need to think about changing ms. kweer's name