|Bob: Dear "Life in these United States," a funny thing happened to me---(thunk)
Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
|Sideshow Bob's Laugh
|Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency! He called me Chief Piggum! (laughter) Oh, now I get. He he he, that's good.
Smarmy Lawyer: If released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: (Fake Surprised) Bart Simpson?! (Chuckle) The spirited little scamp who (Bitter) twice foiled my evil schemes, and sent me to this (More bitter; Ominous) dank, urine-soaked hell hole?
Parole Board Member #1: Ah, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell hole", when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck hole".
Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Lawyer: Well, what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart die?"
Sideshow Bob: No! That's German for "The Bart, the."
(Parole Board Chuckles; Talks among themselves)
Parole Board Member #2: (To friend) No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Last Parole Board Member: Parole granted!
|Bob: Take care Snake. May the next time we meet be under more felicistous circumstances.
Bob: Take care.
Homer: Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
|Ernest: Wow! Pu-blic Libary. Let's stay here for a while Vern. (Bob laughs)
|Homer: If you don't mind, we're trying to watch the movi---
Ernest: Hey Vern! Help me get my head out of this toilet! (flush)
(Homer bursts out laughing) Bob: Oh really now that's too much!
Bart and Lisa: Ahhhh! Sideshow Bob!!
|Marge:You awful man! Stay away from my son.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I'll stay away...all right. Stay away forever.
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait, that's no good. Wait! I've got a good one, now. Marge, say 'Stay away from my son' again.
Sideshow Bob: (groans)
|Bob: The following nieghborhood residents will ~not~ be killed by me: Ned Flanders. Maude Flanders.
Ned: Aw, isn't that nice?
Bob: Homer Simpson. Marge Simpson. Lisa Simpson. That little baby Simpson. That is all.
Homer: Woohoo! Did ya hear, Bart!? Hey---Oh.
|Detective: Now don't you fret, when I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive.[loads gun, scene change] Oh, c'mon. Leave town.
Sideshow Bob: No.
Detective: I'll be your friend.
Sideshow Bob: No.
Detective: Oh, you're mean.
|Guy: We have places where your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville.
Homer: Ooo! IceCreamville!
Guy: No, "Screamville." (Homer screams)
|Guy: Tell you what sir. From now on you'll be--ahh,
Mr. Homer-- Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "Hi."
Guy: Hello, Mr. Thompson. (silence) Remember now-- your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Guy: Hello, Mr. Thompson...(silence) *sigh* Now, when I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Guy: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (silence)
Homer: I think he's talking to you!
|29 Seconds of Bob stepping on rakes.
Homer: Come on. Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: Dad! I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Homer: Why? (INNOCENTLY) Oh, right! The S-deshow B-b thing, ho ho I'm sorry boy --- BARTDOYOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Homer: Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?
Sideshow Bob: (Evil) Bart! Any last requests?
Bart: Well, there is one, but-- nah.
Sideshow Bob: (Encouraging) No, go on.
Bart: Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
Sideshow Bob: (Proud) Guilty, as charged.
Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "HMS Pinafore".
Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven--before I send you to Hell... and a two, and a three and a-- (Sings the whole thing)
|Chief Wiggum: "Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob! You're under arrest."
Bob: "By Lucifer's beard!"
Chief Wiggum: "Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!"
Bart: Take him away, boys!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief, here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Just do what the kid said.