|Barlow: All right my friends, let's go to the phones, first up is Bob from South Springfield. Welcome to you sir.
Bob: Hello Birch. Long time listener, first time caller. Kudos for bringing the ~public~ back to the republican party. It's high time people
realize we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charley Biblethumps or even god forbid, George Bushes.
Lisa: That sounds like Sideshow Bob!
Homer: Yes ma'am! Sideshow Bob! Yakin' it up on the old Yak Box!
Lisa: Dad, I'll spare you the embarassment of admiting you don't know who Sideshow Bob is.
|Lisa: Bart! Your mortal enemy is on the radio!
Dr. Demento: It's time for more demension with Doctor Demento!
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob!
Bart: Sideshow Bob!? Awww, I'm only 10 and I already got 2 mortal enemies.
|Bob: But it would be terribly myopic of me to blame all of my current woes on one spiky haired little Simpson.
Barlow: Mm-hm. Myopic to say the least. Or intangetent. Now, you mentioned some walls there?
Bob: Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcirated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit! Attempted murder? Now honestly what is that? Do they
give a noble prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?! (toilet smashes above him) Oh really now! This is a personal call!
|Barlow: Well, I've had it. I'm going to make it my mission to see that our friend
Bob is set free!
Mrs. Krabable: Well, dispite Bart's objection, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic election.
|Bob: Hello children, hello Bart. Young friends, my opponent, Joe Quimby, is confused
about your school system. Do you what he does? He flip flops! Sometimes, he doesn't know whether he's coming or going!
He wants to sell your future short!
Lisa: Hmmm. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denomenator.
Bart: I can do that.
|(mayor Quimby's Campain song) Singers: Without a Mayor Quimby, our
town would really stink! We wouldn't have a tire yard, or a mid-size roller rink! We wouldn't have our gallows, or a shinny
Big-Foot trap! It's not the mayors fault that the stadium callapsed!
Voice: Quimby: If You Were Running For Mayor, He'd Vote For You. Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor
|Bart: Hey, four eyes! Vote Quimby! Hey, beardo! Vote Quimby!
Lisa: This time he's the lesser of two evils!
Jimbo: Yeah, yeah I love Crimmby. Can I have some more bumper sticker, please dude? --- Allright! The
mummy is ready for his mystical journey!
Milhouse: Ahhhhhhh!!! What's happening!?!?!
|Grandpa: That Quimby fellow promised to build us the Mattlooooooccckkkkk Expressway. How you gonna top that, smart guy?
Bob: Hmmm. Oh, how's this? I'll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patienently listening to your impearmeable attitudes.
Grandpa: Hot diggity damn! Me fiiiiiirrrssstttt!!! Not many people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren't much
on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "AAAAAAA" he'd say. Then "BBBBB."
|(Sideshow Bob's Mayoral Compain Commercial) Voice: Mayor Quimby
supports revolving door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob. A man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can
you trust a man like mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor.
|Barlow: Sideshow Bob, consellman Less Whinein says that you're not experianced enough to
be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
Bob: I'd say that 'Less Whinein' ought to do more thinkin and less whining. (laughter)
Lisa: There's no consellman Less Whinein!
Bart: Heh heh, good line though.
|Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you're well known for your lienient stance on crime. But
suppose for a second that ~your~ house was ransacked by thugs, ~your~ family tied up in the basement, with socks in their mouths!
You try to open the door, but there's too much blood on the knob!!
Quimby: Ah, er, what is your question?
Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir. (Quimby groans)
|Homer: Hmmm. I don't agree with his Bart Killing policy. But I do approve of
his Selma Killing policy.
|Brockman: And the results are in: for Sideshow Bob, 100%. For Joe Quimby, 1%. And we remind you that there
is a 1% margin of error.
|Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking the construction
of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man, you will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house
and any remaining Simpsons.
Marge: Homer! We've got to stop them!
Homer:I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwiggiger and no one in my family is gonna stand for it!
Grandpa: Move your gone durn house son!
|Lisa: Oh! My poor dead kitty, please not you too! (sees 'Snowball I' on list) Alright, Bob! No it's personal!
Bart: Hey, um, he did try to kill me.
|Hutz: Mister Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Bob: No I did not.
(long silence) Hutz: Kids, help.
|Bob: You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!
Judge: Will you get to the point?
Bob: Yes! Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it! Here! Just look at these!
Each one a work of Machivellian art!
|Judge: But why?
Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down
inside you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king! That's why I did this!
To protect you from yourselfs! Now if you don't mind, I have a city to run.
Judge: Ballifs, place the mayor under arrest.
Bob: What?! Oh, yes, all that stuff I did.
|Bob: Someday I'll have my vengence! Someday! When I find my way
out of this savage roach ridden cesspool!
Guy: Say, Terwilliger a livly. Bob, come along. We need an 8th to row against the Prinston Alums.
Bob: Prinston?! (groan)
Guy: Stroke, stroke.